This is a transcript of my new video, you can find it and all of my other videos on my youtube channel called NPDrecovery.
Hello, everyone! Thank you for joining me again!
Since I am using this new way to make the videos, I am feeling much better about being able to maintain a steady flow of new material for the channel, as I am in total control of all the elements of the process, except for uploading and playing the videos, which were all fine so far.
Now to the main topic of the video. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a Narcissist can attest to the feeling of underlying unease, something unwholesome and even dangerous lurking under the surface even in the very beginning and in the so-called "love-bombing" phase of the relationship. Now, charmed and overly trusting partners of the Narcissists are not always consciously aware of those inner alarm signals in the moment, but later on, while recovering from the abusive relationship, many of us will remember all the times those signals went off, but we were somehow magically distracted from fully realizing them and implications they hold.
It is worth mentioning that this state of cognitive dissonance when we have two conflicting sets of data and we do our best to ignore the one that we are not ready to see, can bring a lot of damage to our own ability to trust and have a good relationship with ourselves, but that is the topic for another recording.
For now, let us consider why do we have those signals, why do we keep feeling tense and "on guard" even when everything seems to be perfect on the outside? I think that is not only because our inner self says "stay away' or even "run for your life" since it knows the truth even if it directly contradicts what we can perceive on the surface. It is also because, being sincere, open and compassionate individuals, we can pick up the inner tension the Narcissist experiences when he or she interacts with us.
And let me attest to the fact as I am fairly certain that deep down the state of unease and downright misery never leaves the Narcissist. Not even for a moment. That is because they are convinced they can not afford to show their hated inner self to anyone, because if they did everyone would put them down or reject and abandon them right away. Of course, having to constatntly put on the show and appear much stronger, more in control and put together then they really are is taxing and deeply unhealthy, and, unable to self-reflect, Narcissist are more likely to transfer the blame for their inner state on you - their partner, even though you can do absolutely nothing to ease the pain(even if you really want to do that.) We can now remember the axiom "Hurt people hurt people," and see why it is not easy for the narcissist to keep up the pretense for too long considering the actual state they are in.
And let me attest to the fact as I am fairly certain that deep down the state of unease and downright misery never leaves the Narcissist. Not even for a moment. That is because they are convinced they can not afford to show their hated inner self to anyone, because if they did everyone would put them down or reject and abandon them right away. Of course, having to constatntly put on the show and appear much stronger, more in control and put together then they really are is taxing and deeply unhealthy, and, unable to self-reflect, Narcissist are more likely to transfer the blame for their inner state on you - their partner, even though you can do absolutely nothing to ease the pain(even if you really want to do that.) We can now remember the axiom "Hurt people hurt people," and see why it is not easy for the narcissist to keep up the pretense for too long considering the actual state they are in.
So I hope by now you can see how this all connects to the topic of the video. Though they can appear very confident and strong on the surface, Narcissits will never trust you to accept their inner self and will do anything to prevent you from even seeing it. That is because they themselves learned to deeply dislike and reject their inner self. When their parents or primary caregivers treated them in cold, punishing, overly demanding or aloof and disinterested way these children concluded that they must be inherently flawed and unworthy. Then they had worked all their life to create the impeccable self that will be deserving of love and approval, even if it was just a facade. They never had a chance to realize that beynd our childhood experiences, each of us is responsible for own self-love and acceptance and other people will simply take our own attitude as a guide, not knowing and not being able to affect what goes on deep inside of us.
And that is where first part of the Narcissist-codependent dilemma comes in: as codependents, we can not affect the fundamental lack of self-worth that Narcissist experiences. It is actually the other way around: our inner settings, our innermost beliefs and attitudes that determine our reality in a sense that we will justify, rationalize and perceive events in accordance to those. For example, if a Narcissist really feels they are not deserving of real love and acceptance in the relationships, they will devalue the partner who is giving them that type of nconditional love and acceptance. In other words, they will sooner conclude that there is something wrong with the partner for loving such a flawed, no-good person than they will believe that they are actually good based on the type of feedback they get from their partner. Now, remember this all happens on deeper, subconscious level, you will never hear the Narcissist say: I feel like I do not deserve your love, No, right the opposite - they will rage, and insult amd make you feel like you are the one who does not deserve to be with them. This is the process known as the projection, where the Narcissist, unable to face their own grim reality will instead project those issues on you as their partner. Nevertheless, deep inside they are hurting and desperate to experience that same deep self-love and acceptance they are denying themselves. It is very sad.
So, the bottom line: the Narcissist can never truly relax and trust their partner in the relationship, because they are unable to believe their real selves are worthy of good treatment. So they will pretend to be something bigger and better: all powerful, flawless, incredibly hard-working, talented, perfect mom, impeccable dresser - whatever it is they feel equals "great", and can help them earn their place and fit in. They can never get the concept that they already belong simply because they are here and they are human; there is something good and something not so good in all humans and that is alright, that is just how it goes.
Being unwilling to stay vulnerable, to connect, to trust - all of that stems from first very traumatic experience they had growing up. Some people conjure up enough energy and strength to re-calibrate and gain their confidene and self-acceptance later in life, and some were just so deeply hurt and confused by those first experiences with intimacy and trust that they have not been able to recover yet.
Once we have been through the incredible trauma that is a relationship with a Narcissist we become a lot more careful, and for a good reason: I think we can all agree that it is best to be vigilant and keep a safe distance from anyone like that in the future.
However, if you are still stuck in the relationship and for whatever reason can not yet distance yourself, perhaps knowing the inner dynamcs behind their confusing and seemingly irrational behavour will be of help. I do hope though that you will use this knowledge to comfort yourself and balance your own inner view on the stuation, and not to try and change how the Narcissist feels or behaves. As was mentioned earlier, your best efforts are not going to penetrate deep enough, where the Narcissist holds the unseemly truth under lock and key even from their own conscious awareness. Avoid needless conflict that becomes inevitable once you trigger Narcissit's defenses by implying they may need your help and compassionate (as opposed to worship-like) attention. Consider the situation privately, get used to seeing the real state of things in safety, and then do your best to come up with new sets of attitudes based on the newfound insight.
However, if you are still stuck in the relationship and for whatever reason can not yet distance yourself, perhaps knowing the inner dynamcs behind their confusing and seemingly irrational behavour will be of help. I do hope though that you will use this knowledge to comfort yourself and balance your own inner view on the stuation, and not to try and change how the Narcissist feels or behaves. As was mentioned earlier, your best efforts are not going to penetrate deep enough, where the Narcissist holds the unseemly truth under lock and key even from their own conscious awareness. Avoid needless conflict that becomes inevitable once you trigger Narcissit's defenses by implying they may need your help and compassionate (as opposed to worship-like) attention. Consider the situation privately, get used to seeing the real state of things in safety, and then do your best to come up with new sets of attitudes based on the newfound insight.
This is all I have to say on the subject for now, Thank you for being a part of this discussion! Feel free to share your thoughts and questions, and be aware that you can reach out to me privately, too. If you would like to get more consistent content if the future, please take a minute to support this blog or my channel by using "donate" or "support" features on both sources respectively.
Best of wishes to you guys and talk to you again!
