Breaking free of the Narcissist

The nature of the Narcissistic bond and the way to unravel it...

People familiar with the topic often note on how strong, and sometimes downright unbreakable our bonds with the people who hurt us may seem. As almost anyone who has been through Narcissistic abuse will tell you, it feels like a never-ending cycle: feeling very special in the beginning, then feeling hopeful that first feeling will return, then that nagging need for care that is never quite met, being hurt and disappointed time and again and still keeping on hoping for that first "click" to come back again, and hurting, and repeating the same thing through the years of disappointments and pain. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Imagine the despair of the person who realizes they are in this unhealthy spiral, but has no earthy idea of how to come out of it.

I do not have to imagine, because I have lived through this until one particularly awful experience shook me back into being aware, and that was beginning of my recovery. But it took many twist and turns, and I urge you to be patient with yourself: you have been through an immensely traumatic experience, in many cases may times over - and in my view, you should be proud you are still strong enough to look for solutions, you really do deserve respect and acknowledgement!

Now, back to the topic: why do we form such a strong attachment with a Narcissist and how do we undo it?

Any professional will tell you that our attitudes towards love and intimacy stem from childhood. It is from our parents that we learn how to receive (or be deprived of) love, care and attention, how to process and respond to it, and how to give it in return. By the time you were an adult, the patterns of exchanging that vital energy had set in - that is why it is said that every partner brings the attitudes and expectations of their parental home into relationships and tends to view their partner through that mindset. More often than not a person will even choose a partner who will fit in the "mold" of the relationship based on their childhood home.

Let us consider for a second what does it mean for those for people who grew up in the home where one or more partners were a Narcissist. They were groomed and trained from the beginning of their life to serve to demands of the Narcissist and to neglect their own feelings.

They would grow up feeling deep in their heart that their situation is actually normal, because they never experienced truly loving and caring attention. Sadly, these wounded souls will make a perfect target for Narcissists, and they will have a particularly hard time separating themselves from their abusive partners even though "in their head" they are fully aware that it is wrong.

It breaks my heart to think about all of the sweet, loving souls who would go through life giving their best to someone who can not really appreciate, let alone reciprocate, their gifts.

Sad as this situation is, there is a solution, though as everything worthwhile, it will require real effort on our part. It will require all the strength we have to go deep into the heart of our childhood trauma and relive the hurt while seeing it for what it is with our adult minds. Sounds difficult, almost impossible, but this is the way to freedom, and it has to be done.

Let us review the theory while we summon the courage. The unusual strength of the bond we feel when we are attached to our adult life Narcissist is because we subconsciously feel the need to find a resolution to our childhood trauma. And so may your partner. That is why you two made such a "perfect" fit and in the beginning you both had nothing short of elating feeling of "right" relationship. You were "high" on a fresh chance to resolve and heal your old wounds.

But the tricky thing is that you two knew your parts by heart by then and you kept acting it out without even thinking about it. And even if you did think about it, you did not have enough energy and will to just "stop" doing whatever you were doing. Human beings do not work like that.

So what is the solution you ask? The solution is to upgrade from whole "system" that has been installed in your mind by abusive parents. You see, you were taught the rules of trust, love, loyalty, but those rules were skewed. The person who taught you, did not have your best interest in mind - they protected their own. And so those rules do not serve YOU - never did and never will. When they taught you that loyalty means never questioning anything, or that care meant constant sacrifice and neglect of your needs in order to serve them, that is not how it supposed to work - they simply wrote you out of the equation.

     

You see what is so tragic about this? The person who were entrusted with keeping you safe, nurturing you, helping you grow instead had trained you to serve and help THEM. And so you grew up thinking that if you do everything "right" (by those rules) you then will deserve care and love. Well, pardon me for being brutally honest, but how did it work out for you? Right? I only have the courage to say all this because I have been though this myself, and I know how miserable it can feel. It is about as traumatic as it gets to realize that people you were attached to and trusted for your survival were so selfish they didn't even SEE you. Many people in this world will do whatever they can to distract themselves from that horrifying reality, and as a result will put themselves through constant most terrifying abuse to keep running away from that thought. They do not want to see the world can be so cruel - and indeed, how unbearably cruel is that?

BUT! I have a little extra note that could help, and it only came to me after years of working through my own experience:
There is something bigger and more profound than this that has sustained you until this moment, that insisted that you were beautiful and valuable enough to keep alive through it all. It still keeps you living, breathing, loving, wanting to learn more. Think about this.

Then get back to your parents, or your caregivers who "set up" the game in your head where you would continuously share your energy and get nothing in return, and they would string you alone with high words and principals. As an adult, you probably realize that teaching you to keep a secret or deny how you feel against your better instincts was anything but love, not matter how many "right" words they said. Once you see that first lie, you are going to see them all. One after one, they will begin falling like Dominoes.

Following normal grief and sadness comes liberation. You can now clearly see what loving relationship really includes and what it does NOT, you can also see what kept you locked into cycle of abuse for so long. They were the old rules you followed so loyally, the ones instilled in you by your abuser.

    

What do trust, loyalty, love and care really mean, what do they involve? Go through those old agreements and upgrade them based on what you now know about the world and relationships. If you need help finding better sources an "role models", you will find plenty - just look. The most important step is to see your primal relationship in the new light, all other things will follow.

I believe you are strong enough. Please do not hesitate to comment and share what your experience has been and what you feel and think.

It is a difficult subject to even think about let alone discuss, but through those conversations we are experiencing healing, and by healing ourselves we heal the whole world. So live with your heart open and be brave. 

Best wishes to you!

Here is a link to the original lens on the topic, complete with polls, highlights and related videos (as well as few helpful books) here

Here is the original video on the same topic - as usual, I post it here so you have a chance to see the comments and join the discussion on my channel. Thank you!

I appreciate your shares and comments! All the best!