Trust and Narcissistic personality.

Just a little note before I start on the main topic: through the research I am doing for my book I found that in reality Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial disorder have the same key core components, but the outwardly expressions of the states those components create differ in quality and in a degree of strength.

For example, after going through a lot of studies, clinical data, scientific articles, journal entries of individuals with a confirmed diagnoses and also taking into account my own personal experience, I can conclude that the basis for Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial personality disorder is an overwhelming, out-of-control sense of FEAR, or better TERROR which we also can define as the absence of trust. While Borderline individual will cope with this by begging and clinging and doing everything possible to avoid a sense of separation from an individual who they count as significant (while at the same time exposing that individual to such strong bouts of rage that can only be perceived as hate by the unfortunate recipient), Narcissistic personality will cope by erecting the wall of false persona to hide behind and sometimes by emotionally manipulating and seeking excessive signs of approval in order to feel more affirmed and protected, and Antisocial personality will deal with the overwhelming sense of horror by completely disassociating from the whole spectre of emotions, by presuming everyone in the whole world is psychologically organized the same way they are therefore expecting the worse, and sometimes by ignoring or even seeking out obviously dangerous situations as in equal measure a stimuli and a relief, as they will never compare to the inner world of silent horror the individual is forced to occupy.

This, of course, brings us to the main topic of this entry. Keeping in mind the request of my brave readers who suspect they bear many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and would like to remedy the situation as best they can to share my thought on what particular steps could be taken, I am happy to share that I do indeed have another concrete piece of advice (btw, I also put it on my personal agenda, and if there will be anything useful to say I will share my experience in the later entries.)

So the advice is quite simple (but only in form of a phrase, not as an action :) ): consciously train yourself to trust more. If you notice, I did put in a few particulars: I didn't simply say "trust more" or even "learn to trust more" as it would imply a simplistic, as well as a somewhat too finite quality of the process. As I said before, as an action it is not as easy as simply hearing and intellectually processing the advice. Somewhere deep inside of you there is an imprint of a certain state and/or situation or perhaps (and more likely) a whole succession of situations and connected to them emotional states, that convinced you that the world and/or the people inside the world are inherently unsafe and can not be trusted. You lived with this internal "setting" for some time, and in some cases it served you really well, so there is a very slim chance that your unconscious (or even conscious :) ) side will agree to part with that deep inner perception easily.

Here is the dreaded (yet almost unavoidable) cliche: training yourself how to trust is a process. You are almost definitely going to experience bewilderment and a feeling that you do not even know that you do not know (typical for almost any kind of real learning), then frustration at the pace of the progress, and the fact that most people have no idea what you are going through (not all that new for people with NPD) and then also setbacks, wanting to forget it and give in and just hold on to what is familiar and also that (personally dreaded by me) sense of not having clear, sensible reason for going through all that mess, as we never even experienced the feeling and states of greater integration and true intimacy that supposedly should serve as a stimuli, an end goal and a "prize."

And no one but you will ever know what exact choices you should make to ever reach that goal, as you could only see the pointers from withing, yet, of course, some of us are not accustomed to feeling what is going on inside of us so well, and so we are bound to make a few wrong turns (if not go in circles) more than a few times.

Well, I do not blame you if all of this does not sound too appealing. :)

I, personally, decided to give it a go. Here I will share some of what I concluded, though I do want to say that I suspect this type of work varies a lot from person to person and I would sincerely encourage you to look within and decided how YOU going to go about it and what goals and priorities you as an individual will bring to this process.

So, for myself I think it is worth it to start by acknowledging that part of me that withstanded all the immense trauma I had to go through and still is protecting me in a way that is somewhat effective. I admire its loyalty, its will to endure and its honesty in a face of hostile circumstances.

Then I recognize that despite my still feeling like that wounded little child inside my outer circumstances have changed dramatically and that there is no reason for me to keep feeling like that right now.

Then I personally start working on my view of the whole world, not the specific person or situation that perhaps generated that reaction in the first place. In my opinion, when we go through a seriously traumatizing situation, our inner perception of the whole world as a (formerly) secure and friendly place changes - we feel betrayed not only (and perhaps not as much) by person as by our entire means of existence, our greater environment. For me personally it seems like it is the most significant, and perhaps the most difficult bond to repair.

So I started with my inner relationship with the world as a whole, and perhaps more importantly with the force, the main idea and the deepest meaning (for the lack of a better, more dynamic expression) of this existence and my life within it. I am not sure whether I am making myself clear, and perhaps I will edit this (out?) later, but those experiences are beyond words and so are often difficult to put in the inflexible frames of verbal expression.

All I can offer at the moment that I concluded that nature of our human existence is in unison with any other form of nature that we see: it is to grow and to strive and often in a very unkind if not downright brutal circumstance that we are challenged to survive or to yield to someone whose will to survive is stronger. In Eastern philosophical and spiritual traditions God is often depicted as someone who created the entire Universe to, in effect, entertain him- or herself, or, perhaps, to experience himself (or herself) in a capacity that is more controversial and polarized than his (her) usual all-encompassing, almighty and homogeneous state. :) It is a very cute theory, no? I always liked it and often came back to it in my mind. So it is if she (or he) just made a puzzle out of her (his) own existence.

What I am trying to say is that perhaps we should presume that a state where we are missing something is actually a norm within the circumstance we live in, and then a strive through a (sometimes overwhelming) difficulty is still an innate process and that by this means we are learning, growing and experiencing our ever-changing qualities. And though we do not always see meaning of this through our Ego-limited view, in a greater, infinitely more fluent, powerful scheme of things, a part of which we still embody, the strives and the challenges we are going through make a lot of sense.

All of this elaborate thought-structure was created to get around the fact that defenseless little creatures like children or kind, trusting people are often brutalized and traumatized in this strange world we all live in. If we were to learn to trust it, we must make a conscious choice to trust it despite the obvious inconvenience we have experienced before. And the more consciousness, good will and willingness to give up our little-minded Ego views we bring to the proces, the better the chances of us thriving. Of course, for some this whole assertion will not make any sense, and I have been there and thus perfectly understand them. However, this is what I personally "unearthed" when I decided to dig up my mistrust, my hurts and insecurities, and I could honestly say this brought the whole new quality to my perception of this world.

P.S. There will be a continuation of this topic. Please forgive me if this post reads a little uneven. I am going through a very painful situation and today I decided to write despite feeling more than a little upset :) (that is because if I was waiting until I feel fine I may never write a post :) ) Anyway, I will have more to share on this and a similar topic and so I am looking forward to seeing you soon!

Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!

Narcissism - getting out of fantasy word...

It has been a while since I wrote any "personal experience" posts, and there is a reason for it  - some of these personal growth experiences are so hard not only to go through but also make sense of- your established mind patterns do not really want to give up so easily, and that almost always results in a kind of "mental block" or confusion and "fog" that some of my readers also describe. Good news - we are aware of it. Bad news - we have no idea how to make sense of things that just don't :)

The reason I am writing all this is that today I had kind of an interesting break through and, in a way, it has to do with getting around established mental patterns. As many of this kind  of experiences, this one happened in the morning, while I was still lounging somewhere in between dream world and "reality" but my mind was already starting to run its usual script. It had to do with what would happen if I had control and opportunity to affect the world in more direct way (if you ever looked at NPD diagnosis criteria,, then you know that preoccupation with fantasies of success, power etc. is one of those) and then something unexpected happened... Right in  the middle of the tirade about how I'd fix everything if only I, and not some bunch of idiots and thieves were in charge (heh) another line of thinking had come in and basically asserted  that I have no business wasting my morning  hours fantasizing about stuff that sure is not going to happened and that it was just a plot to divert my attention and avoid the messy task of paying attention to my real self and my real life and what really needed to be done. Immediately after realizing that "message" I felt a physical sensation of what could only be described as satisfaction deep inside my body, and I have to say that I, like many affected people, struggle mightily with ever feeling connected to my body, let alone experiencing it in such a profound way.  I guess I am trying to let you guys know that most people who "live in their head" and so associate with their "upper", cultivated persona that they downright shun and neglect the imperfect, human part of themselves - those people would do well to try and develop a better relationship with their body - the physical side of their being, which should help them to integrate their "upper" knowledge into something more "real" and workable.

Of course, theoretically I knew all about that diagnosis criteria for a long time, and I even spoke and though about and analyzed it quite a bit. But never before did I experience real integration of that knowledge to the point of self-reflecting like that. 
I am sure that other factors were involved as well, but I am particularly excited and hopeful about being able to relate to my real self, my body included, and being able to receive that "feedback" and therefore establish what is "real" and healthy, taking care of the confusion and disconnect so many affected people have to deal with and try to overcome.

Another look on therapy for Narcissism

While conducting research for my book, I came across this interesting work on the subject:

http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf

Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.

I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.

Q&A: Why do Narcissists sabotage themselves?

Here is a request I received recently:

"(...) Can you explore this subject further in your writing/posts: Narcissists need/want admiration, but the big irony is that when they treat others badly, or fail to show authentic remorse or gratitude, they undermine the very admiration they seek. If they showed true remorse or gratitude, they would build trust and gain deep admiration, rather than pushing people away. When confronted, if instead of saying "I'm so terrible" in a sarcastic tone and feeling threatened by criticism, they instead used some objectivity, offered some sign of caring, of fairness, they would create a reciprocity, and get all they needed! It seems unfortunate that they don't learn this, and keep repeating the pattern. Once again, I really appreciate your work and willingness to put it out there."

Here is a short way to answer it, and I promise  to explore  this further in my book/future posts :

"(...) I guess the difficulty in understanding Narcissist's behavior comes from persistent myth (in my opinion) that Narcissist can make a rational choice in how to react and relate to people. It is called a disorder for a reason (and recent changes do not really cancel that as much as acknowledge overlap of certain conditions) Narcissists can no more control the way they really relate to people than a limping person can control the way they step. That is to say the real reaction to outside stimuli is deeply hardwired in their brain and is hardly a matter of a rational "picking" one view over another. 

Their actions is a whole another story. Many Narcissists, of course, can and do alter their behavior (for a while) to suit their ultimate purpose. However that type of 'surface" adjustment is seen as manipulative and misleading, and only serves to further harden the resentment toward them. But I assure you, this type of concealment of their true relations with people is all they can muster in even most honest attempt to behave in more acceptable way. 

It almost seems like you are proposing that kind of "cost-benefit" analysis when you wonder why they sabotage their own needs. Of course, should the Narcissist heed your advice, there would be many people ready to call them calculating monsters.

Truth is - at least the way I know it - that a Narcissist can not easily change their ways authentically - most of them are far from acknowledging that they even have an issue (in other words they are in complete denial in order to protect themselves from further trauma), let alone setting on a hard road toward finding a solution. The roots of the disorder are far deeper and more intertwined than most people realize. I am sorry I fail to provide you with an easy solution or answer, but I must remain honest, and I fear such a (simple) answer does not exist... (...)"

Upcoming eBook.

Thank you for visiting! Sadly, my video project, the results of which you can find on youtube NPDrecovery channel, has to come to a pause until I find an alternative way of producing similar videos. In a place of the videos, I am currently working on an eBook titled "The desert within - the inner workings of a Narcissist" Please let me know whether you would be interested in receiving the book once it is available. First 10 readers get it at no cost, though I would ask them for a brief (and completely authentic) review in exchange for a copy. Please let me know what you think of the idea and whether you have any questions or requests. Thank you!

Narcissist's biggest fear.

What is it that makes a Narcissist feel truly uncomfortable - what is their biggest fear?

If we were to guess, what would be the first few answers that were likely to appear in our mind? Let's see: first, Narcissist craves attention therefore he must fear being left alone and ignored. Alright, this seems fitting. Also, a Narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth, which means he hates being treated as a common, unremarkable person as much as he loathes being put down and humiliated. This observation seems fair as well. A Narcissist, in fact, can have very many fears - big and small, all branching out of their distorted view on themselves and reality around them, the "fantastic" view that gets challenged almost at every turn. Then what might we consider to be their biggest, their ultimate fear?

After much digging into my own mind, further researching the topic and considering those who are suspected (or diagnosed) Narcissists, I had to conclude that the fear of all fears for a Narcissist is the fear of losing control.

If you have dealt with a Narcissist in the past, this may at once confirm your experience and challenge it. We do know that a Narcissist loves being in control, craves it and indeed will go to great lengths to make sure he has as much of it as possible. But can that really be IT - the ultimate, the most important factor in his life? To illustrate why I really think so I must explain and expand the definition of the term. Of course, being in control often means having a position of power and influence over other people's feelings and behavior, and Narcissists are notorious for being very persistent in trying to gain and secure this type of control over their family and other people who are close to them. Indeed, the most egregious incidents are known to happen when the Narcissist is lead to believe he or she is losing their control of their partners.  

Setting that aside for a minute however, we can consider the broader definition of control - being in control of one's own emotions, behavior - one's life. As children, Narcissists are often made to feel powerless while simultaneously put in the position where they must prove their self-worth by performing better than an average person. This teaches them too lessons: lesson number one - your survival (because for a child approval and affection of their parent equals being able to survive) depends on how well you perform, not how you feel and only people who perform well are worthy of affection, and lesson number too - you are powerless unless you are not in full control of other people's feelings. Therefore, the power and search for control are placed externally, not internally, since controlling one's "audience's" emotions can keep one out trouble, while one's own feelings hardly matter at all.

So it is little wonder then, when a grown-up (in terms of physical form, at least) Narcissist places such great value on their ability to control other people's emotions and their actions toward the Narcissist. Because one's own feelings are rarely considered and explored, they become, by enlarge, an enigma to a Narcissists - and the further he moves away from his core, the scarier that enigma becomes. So when I say a Narcissist is most scared of losing control, I want to point out that this also means their fear of losing themselves in their own scary, uncontrollable emotions. They would much prefer to keep those locked away and would rather not open that "Pandora's box." Hence the fixation on keeping a steady stream of external stimuli, and ever more persistent attempts to control other people's view of them in hope of bringing some sense of balance in their world. 

However, there is another layer to his same fixation on control and being terrified of losing it. I would put it simply as a "fear of life". This may sound kind of absurd. But if we think about it, it is merely the extension of the same old fear of losing control. 

Every truly developed, well-functioning adult knows, and has learned to deal with the reality that life is messy, unpredictable and full of surprises - in summary - it is pretty much uncontrollable. Despite your best efforts, you never really know what is around the corner - people once madly in love get divorced, babies get born and loved ones die, and there are myriads of other things that we do not control but still have to learn how to deal with. I am convinced that the Narcissist is not truly capable of accepting this reality, and a lot of "mysterious" behavior that boggles their partner's mind can be explained by this simple fact. They are terrified of the truth - the outside world is not subject to any rational law, and therefore their life is never fully under their control. Observe anyone who you believe to be a Narcissist and I guarantee you that you will soon spot their inability to let go and let the life come to them as it will. 

Possibly due to their childhood experiences, they are convinced the the world is full of danger, ready to hurt them, nothing is as it seems and that they must be alert and up in arms at all times. They can not live with the fact that they will gain some advantages, relationship, things and lose the others, as well as accept the truth that they will lose their prime physical shape, age and die some day, just like everyone else. Their building the fantastic alter ego is just an attempt to shield themselves form unsettling reality - that they are rigid, inflexible structures that are not at ease with the ever-changing unpredictable life. All of the free-willing and smooth talking in the world can not hide away the relentless grip of control that is behind all that "charm". When they do not have anyone to control, the Narcissist are left with the cold truth: they do not know how to be at peace with themselves, their life and the fact that they do not know what is coming next. That is the most terrifying place of all.

I'd  would like to conclude with this: many people ask me how to "make" a Narcissist understand what they are going through, or how to make them feel a certain way. I am guessing there are some disgruntled victims who, at least for a time, would like to see the Narcissist suffer the consequences, than at least realize the magnitude of their (N's) issues. I say, if you want a Narcissist to finally fully face the enormity of their problem - do not try and "make" them feel a certain way - just leave them alone face to face with their own reality and they will be forced to confront the beast they have been trying so hard to escape. 

As for the people who suspect they may have Narcissistic traits, as hard as it may seem, allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up in the moment and just breathing, observing it and letting it happen, then noticing that your fear of that process is largely unfounded is the only way that I know of for reversing the construction of the "wall" that keeps you isolated and incensed to real life. Judging from my own experience, being brave enough to go down this road will give you new and uniquely satisfying way to feel at peace with yourself.

 

Thank you for reading and for your support! You are welcome to check out my NPDrecovery youtube channel and share this blog to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on our lives.

Narcissistic mothers: mental manipulation and control.

Hi, everyone! Thank you for joining me again. 
Today, at last, we are going to continue discussion on Narcissistic mothers,  thanks to one viewer's persistent reminders. I could no longer find the comment and the name, but you know who you are - thank for your request, and thanks to all my viewers as well.

Now, to the main topic of this post: Narcissistic Mother's propensity to manipulate and control her own children.

First, let us take a look at how precisely does this manipulation occurs, and why. Let us remember a few predominant characteristics of a person with NPD. They are focused on their own view on their personality and desire to uphold that view, as well as get as much attention and praise for it as possible. Now, compare that with the normal function of a Mother: mothers are the most selfless, caring and loving human beings, because, if normal, once they have a baby, they answer the call of nature to relinquish their focus on themselves, and concentrate on doing everything possible to assure their baby's survival and well-being. 

This fundamental traits of a mother are not really compatible with the NPD-affected person't view of the world. Narcissists have never had a chance to experience nurturing and love in their own childhoods, and so they are not developed enough to be able to provide it for anyone, even their children. What they do instead is try and use their own children as sources of care and attention, as well as using them as props for getting more praise and feeling proud when interacting with other adults. So, if you unfortunate enough to be a biological child of a Narcissist, you are deprived of opportunity to experience the loving, nurturing attention we all need in order to grow and develop into functional, well-adjusted, confident and happy adults - instead you are, in turn, are a prime candidate for being yourself affected with NPD or swinging to another extreme and becoming co-dependent, and most likely entangled with another Narcissist in your adult relationships. 

Not a very happy picture, huh? Well, the good news is that you are listening to this, which means you took the time to look for solutions to the conflicts you are experiencing withing yourself, and with the right attitude and persistence there is a good chance that you will find your way to a better place in your life. Now, back to the main topic: knowing about Narcissistic mother's (or father's) inability to give love and nurturing, and their tendency to instead expect and demand it from their children, we now can take a look at a few real-life scenarios that are all too familiar to the ones who had to deal with this problem in their own childhood. 

First: golden child, naughty child scenario. It is not unusual for a Narcissistic parent to pick one child as their favorite, and concentrate all their energy on defending that choice through slandering and alienating the other "naughty child" and ostracizing them from the entire family. Now, the initial reasons for this could be very simple: chances are, the "golden" child had inadvertently provided more adoration, praise and proved their willingness to do whatever the Narcissistic parent wanted them to do. For the Narcissist, that is the dream come true, and, of course, with their inherent tendency to only focus on their own benefit, they have no qualms about openly favoring the "well behaved" child among the others. Another reason for picking the favorite could be that the child is a source of pride and added prestige to the Narcissist as a parent. 

For example, in my own family, I was always doing really well in school, while my brother was a constant source of trouble and shaming for my mother from school administrators, teachers etc. Uncomfortable as it was for me, I was always sighted as the "proper" student, while my brother was cast off as something of a troublemaker. The truth was that he has had an incredibly hard time growing up without his biological father and having to put up with constant abuse of both his step father (who was my biological father) and my mother, while both of them concentrated their attention on me as a baby and have completely fail to even try to understand how hard all of this was on my brother. Is it any wonder he has faltered in school? Of course, he has got zero compassion or understanding from my mother, while he has been berated and shamed almost daily. 

Now, as we try to understand what looks like extreme lack of compassion, as well as inability to accept real responsibility (it was, after all, my mother who was largely, though not solely, responsible for the turmoil our family was in), let us try and take a closer look at the Narcissist's way of thinking: in their world, they are already entitled to all of good things happening to them ALL the time, while any deviation from that script perceived as a glaring injustice and the Narcissist sees themselves as a center-most victim of this unfair persecution. Now, this is the particular point I would like to highlight, though I do not expect everyone to agree with me, I do believe that would be the correct way of looking on this particular disorder. 

The Narcissist's dismissal of everyone else's interest, feelings or circumstances in relation to their, Narcissist's, actions are not fully intentional. Now, most of the people who love to hate those Narcissistic quote unquote "monsters" are probably not going to like this assertion, as much as they prefer to believe that Narcissists "know exactly what they're doing" etc. etc. Well, the cold hard truth is that they are not likely to know what they are doing to you simply because they do not know how to consider the situation from your angle, so you may say they do not even begin to know how would you feel simply because it never occurs to them to consider that part.  Now, you would say how disgusting and monstrous etc. Yes, from the perspective of a healthy individual it is, however, consider this situation: would you hold a person who have never been exposed to Western civilization, say, a native in Papua New Guinea, to the same standard of table side etiquette as you would everyone else you know from your own upbringing? 

Truth is, the Narcissist never learned how to be compassionate simply because they have never reached that level of personal development, so as sad as it is, expecting them to perform as a full-functioning adult is as futile of a pursuit as to expect the member of Toulambi tribe to know how to use knife and fork. The Narcissists who are truly affected by NPD are simply incapable of conceptualizing any real emotions or feelings outside of themselves. 

Remember yourself last time you were really angry, practically livid at someone. Remember how that made you feel about other person's emotions, perspectives or what they they had to say at that moment. If you were worked up enough, chances are you couldn't care less about how they felt and what they said. Now transfer that temporary loss of ability for compassion to Narcissist's entire psyche - because while normal people revert to a lower stage in development in extreme, what their self perceives as life-threatening situations, where your own survival is of foremost importance, the Narcissist live in the world that everything is threatening and their focus is on their own self, because they can not trust the "outer" world and can not connect to it in any other way.

So, it is not like they premeditate and revel in your agony, it is just that they are incapable of perceiving it as real. Now, back to the same topic - as horrifying as it is, the same goes for Narcissist's own children - they are also perceived as a part of "other", dangerous world that needs to be arranged and controlled, in order for the ego to survive. So if the quest calls for pitting one of the children against the other, or telling lies in order to get a certain outcome or behavior - that is all acceptable, because the outcome is always what matters most. In my case, my mother told me the most horrifying stories about how my father abused her - kicked her in the belly when she was pregnant with me, once he knew she could not abort, how he beat and abused my older brother, while always dotting on me - I am sorry if this makes you feel bad now, and remember - she was not sorry when she was saying it to a 7 year old - me - when I was still missing my father terribly. She instilled in me that I should be  eternally grateful to my brother for not abusing me in turn, especially when she finally left my father 7 years later. Now, what was I supposed to do with all of this when I was that young? She was hoping that I would start hating my father and cut him off, which I did - only now realizing she just did it to spite and punish my father, and the way I felt (I still find that traumatic to think about those things even now) - that didn't matter at all... She has achieved her goal and that what was truly important. 

Now, if she really appreciated the impact that it has on me, she would also try and brainwash me into believing that was the best thing to do somehow, and she was right to bring it all up to me, but she never did such a thing, simply because she did not know and never considered the impact, and she never does even now, when she is over 60 years old. 

The main point I want to make in the video, then, while is that the outcomes of such awful behavior can scar a person for life, they were probably not intentional in a sense that a Narcissistic parent would simply dismiss the emotional impact as non-existent, rather than knowingly causing it to you. While Narcissists are really shrewd at planning their mental and verbal strategies, they are not as good in appreciating the extend of the damage their actions wreck on the feelings of their nearest and dearest. 

Here is the corresponding video for this post, that goes over the same material we have discussed here:

Thank you for visiting and I will see you in the next post!

Translation from "Narcissist speak" + a few words on upcoming ebook

Delusion Dispeller, another youtube voice on the subject of Narcissism, had a couple of videos made where she attempted to explain what a Narcissist really thinks when they say something (you can search for her on youtube to find out more) That gave me a pause and made me think what is it that I routinely say (or, rather, what I used to say when I was a lot less conscious of my emotions and motivations) and what those message would really mean if I could translate them from "Narcissist speak." I looked back at the time when emotional manipulation and blackmail were a big part of my act, and these are main "offenders" I came up with: 

When a Narcissist says:  "You are..." - insert offensive term, they really  mean:  "My Ego is threatened by your demeanor and/or behavior and so I jump into "attack" mode in order distract myself from painful realizations about my true place in the world, as well as re-direct my anger at an external source, namely - you."

When he or she says: "I can no longer trust you", they really mean "I feel like I am loosing control over you and can not easily manipulate you into doing what I want, and so I feel powerless, resent and looking to punish you through making you feel less privy to my confidence. Now give me assurances and make me feel like I am on top again" Needless to say - do not take the bait and try to explain yourself to win their trust over again - simply take the statement as a given and move on. Watch them try to conceal their displeasure or confusion, then just keep on keeping on.

When a Narcissist says: "I love you" that may mean many things, for example they are looking to flatter you in order to fool you into doing what they want, or they need some time to think their next step over, but even assuming that they themselves half-believe what they say, they really just mean: 
"I feel good around you and I want more of that feeling."

When a Narcissist says: "I am going to destroy you", which could be a surprisingly quick leap from the previous statement, they are really saying "I feel like the only way to support my disintegrating ego is to  try and humiliate, intimidate and control you. I will do what I can to diminish you so I can recover from the wound I feel you caused me." 

Finally, if the Narcissist says: "Please don't leave me" that means "I am too desperate for attention right now, but I resent how helpless that makes me feel, so I will make you pay for that humiliation as soon as I feel better"

These are the most significant phrases that came to mind when I was pondering that question the original video posed for me.  If you have any more habitual phrases from Narcissist's  repertoire, or some that you are curious about, please feel free to share it! As always, I am looking forward to hearing from you guys. 

Here is the corresponding video for this post that goes over the same material we have discussed here:

Thank you again for your interest and support! Best wishes and I hope to see you again soon!

Cheat sheet for dealing with a Narcissistic person

Hello, everyone! Thank you so much for your patience and support - I am glad I can finally make another post. In this one we will discuss a few important things that help you stay safe when dealing with Narcissist. I will list the main points and then briefly summarize the essence of each one.  As usual, I hope that you do let me know what you think and add your own points based on your experience and thoughts - I thank all viewers who share their own wisdom and help others overcome difficult times, your input is much appreciated and are always welcome to the discussion.

Now, moving on to our first point. This one is most likely understood by you since you are reading this, but I will underline it anyway, as it is important and it is also good to point out you are already making proactive choices in bettering your future interactions. The first points is to educate yourself, so you can tell a Narcissist beforehand and avoid him or her. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? I guess so, but for the sake of completion, I included this as well.


The second point is - make yourself Narcissist-proof by understanding true self-esteem. I think the best way to describe true self esteem is as profound belief that EVERY living being has intrinsic value as a unique expression of the creative power, and every one of us is to be treated with respect, no matter what is our status or appearances. In other words, there is no need to think that you are better or less than anyone else. IF you make this your real life motto and avoid engaging Ego-driven people on the level that will suck you into their drama, than it is very unlikely that you are going to appeal to, and as a consequence, be hurt by a Narcissist. Their egos thrive on completion-driven drama, and if you are over those games, than they will not find anything to draw you in.


The third point I would like to discuss is a very important one, and though I have talked about it in my other videos, I feel compelled to highlight it again. Please, DO NOT ignore or excuse warning signs. IF you notice something that doesn't feel or sound right - take time to honestly evaluate it. It will save you lots of grief and time in the future. If you see the person treating a waiter or a sub-ordinate condescendingly, if you see them kicking their pet or telling insensitive jokes - take notice. What a person does when they think it is of no consequence says a lot about them. Think about it: would a goodhearted, compassionate person really laugh at another's misfortune? Would they find their "superior" position so intoxicating that they had to put others down just to feel more important? Can you really trust a person who seems to delight in feeling "better-than"? The trickiest situations will present a mixed bag of good and not-so-good qualities and opportunities all mixed up.

For example, I recently met a brilliant, energetic, driven man who also acts appallingly patronizing and disrespectful toward his girlfriend. He also finds my company very desirable and never allows such behavior towards me. Starved for intellectually stimulating company as I was, I quickly realized that should I accept his interest and his many "favors" at the start of our relationship, I will only be in for a familiar ride of "idealization-devaluation" and before long I will be treated the same way, if not worse, than his loyal girlfriend is treated now. I allowed myself no excuses and no second guesses as I made for a quick exit. MY body instantly felt more relaxed and uplifted, which had only confirmed what I already knew to be true, no matter how attractive his energy, drive and conversational skills might have been.

Time to move on to our forth point: once you have seen the "red flags" make every effort to distance yourself, do not engage in any kind of meaningful contact, even if you must interact socially, and, if you have already entered the relationship, exit as soon as possible. In most cases, there is no point in confronting the Narcissist with "the truth", as it will only lead to more engagement, confusion and emotional entanglements. Just chalk it up to be "lesson learned" an move on as quickly and efficiently as possible. Remember that your job is to protect and uplift yourself - you are not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's sole benefit.

Point number five deals with the situation when complete severance of relationship is not possible:
Be firm on your rights and boundaries, establish clear rules for what you will and will not tolerate and NEVER waiver on those. The last part is important, because Narcissists, somewhat like children, will take your being lenient once as a signal that they the rules do not really matter all that much to you, and the next time will try every trick in the book to make their way around your boundaries again. Once you said "No" it must be a complete and unwavering No, which will communicate precision and establish firm limits and consequences for breaking those limits in the future.


This brings us to point six: Document every undesirable conduct and inform future sources of support as soon as possible. Now, I know this may sound daunting, but this also is very important in cases of domestic, workplace, or pretty much any other abuse. Even if you feel assaulted and, as a consequence, very confused and traumatized emotionally (something that many abusers count on) - please make an effort of taking the incident very seriously in terms of documenting its occurrence and making it known to appropriate authorities.

 For example, if your coworker has been verbally abusive and intimidating, do not wait to inform your supervisor and, if need be, an H R specialist at your company as soon as possible. There is no point in waiting for things to "improve" on their own (they hardly ever do), and the abuser only will take your perceived compliance as a sign of weakness and as a signal to go right ahead and continue or even escalate their abuse.

Tell everyone who may be your potential sources of support when, where and how precisely the incident happened - the more people know, the more of them may act, advocate and testify on your behalf should the matter reach the level of official inquest, as it routinely does. While dealing with authorities, communicate as clearly as you can, resist the urge to "enhance" certain facts in your favor and stir clear of getting overly accusatory or emotional. Now, this last bit may not seem fair, but as a matter of practical advice it will really help you if you do stay calm. Police officers, court officials, high level managers and supervisors are dealing with untold amounts of human drama in their professional lives, and less compassionate ones may be tempted to dismiss your entire testimony if they suspect you are trying to stir events in your favor by appealing to their emotional side. Remember, they are trained to be equally discriminating of both sides of the conflict, and in the effort to do so they may sometimes appear callous, or even downright unreasonable, but this is the way they see their duty and you are better off getting prepared ahead of time and presenting your case in as impersonal and fact-based way as possible. 

It is also important to clearly understand your position on the matter, and NEVER waver from it while communicating with authorities. Leave your private ruminating and grieving to your own safe environment - there is not point in sharing your doubts and demonstrating your less-than-complete resolve to authorities. They are likely to just translate it as more of pointless work for them, and try and wiggle their way out of really addressing the matter. Classic example, of course, would be a spouse who calls police to restrain their abusive partner only to start having second thoughts at the precinct and end up not pressing charges or asking to release the offender. To the officers, such situations are a let down and a waste of time, and this is likely to be evident the next time you, or even another victim in the area contacts them. Please do yourself and others a favor and stand firm for your rights, your dignity and your safety.

Finally, if possible, avoid berating and emotionally pressuring the Narcissist, since, by the nature of the disorder, it is more likely to lead to long rage-filled denial-based tirades than to any real progress. Instead, if possible, try and express some understanding and a little bit of compassion towards them, while at the same time re-affirming your boundaries. For example, you may say something like this: "I understand the difficulties you are having, but I must repeat that this behavior is unacceptable to me, no matter what brought it on." This way you are not vilifying or pushing away the person as much as you reject their behavior, and believe it or not, it may make a difference in the amount of emotional push-back you are likely to get. Just keep asserting your right to be treated with respect and dignity and be sure that they understand that you are prepared to do what is necessary to protect those rights, while still having compassion towards them as a person having difficulties handling their emotions and perceptions of others. I think this compassionate attitude, if you are able to muster it, is best kept as a steady emotional background while interacting with the Narcissist, not as a consistently verbalized statement for them to react to. They do not have emotional maturity to handle that type of feedback and are likely to interpret it as condescending and/or patronizing and therefore insulting. However, if kept as an emotional base for every interaction, I believe this attitude can be helpful, even if just in keeping you calm and centered.

Thank you for reading! As usual, I am grateful for your comments.
Thank you for your continuous support. I am wishing you all a blessed day!

Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!

Q&A: What is the difference between a Narcissist and a Psychopath?

Question: What is the difference between a Narcissist and a Psychopath? ( I omitted some of more personal details from the original question, but the reader basically wanted to know whether a female figure that used to be a very significant part of his life would be classified as a Narcissist or psychopath and shared that this question seems to have a lot to do with his recovery) 

Answer:  The way I understand it, Narcissists are far more invested in their self-image - or, more accurately, your opinion of their image which they then translate as their own sense of self, and Psychopaths are so completely disinterested in your self besides your (very limited) function in their lives and also so socially incompetent that they can not even fake their way into any kind of lasting relationships for too long - they just get what they want by whatever means necessary and then move on. So if she is trying to deny wrongdoing/maintain her "positive" image and appears to be saddened or angered by your less than encouraging feedback, she is an N in my book, as I believe a Psychopath wouldn't care either way once they got what they wanted out of you. This is, however, a view of the person who has studied and explored the scientific take on the subject - the popular "conversation" often equates and/or confuses too types, and they sometimes overlap in one person's view and then differ a lot in another. I hope this helps, and I also wish realization that the past ought not to control your life right now. It is extremely difficult to separate your past experiences from your current perceptions of yourself and your relationships and requires a lot of healing- I realize that-  but a spirited attempt to do so is imperative to recovery and the better future. 

Q&A: Breaking the "Narcissistic" pattern.

Here is a message I have recently received (after requesting and receiving permission to publicize our conversation, I am provided a lightly edited version here)

"Thank you for posting your videos. They are cogent and insightful and make a very difficult subject much easier to understand. I imagine lots and lots of people out there owe you a debt of gratitude for helping them.

I found your videos because I began to question my own behaviors and patterns in life and recognized that I might be a narcissist with NPD.

A lot of your videos are emphatic with the struggles of people with NPD. I was wondering if you could direct me to some resources for moving forward and overcoming these disordered behaviors. I have lost good people from my life because of my behaviors and feel wracked with guilt when I think of how I must have hurt them, so I think I genuinely want to change. Do you have any advice you can offer?
(...)."

First off, I would like to thank the author of this letter for his kind and encouraging words - I always feel great when I receive positive feedback from people, as it makes me re-focus on the main thing I aim to achieve with my work : to help people discover new ways to get in touch with the power of com[passion and insight within them.

Here is the answer I sent to this person:

"Hi, Neil! :) Thank you for writing! Recently I realized that the best way I know to really "ease" the behaviors that wound our own and many other people's lives is to try and gain some perspective on the WHOLE situation by stepping away from the "drama" of being a person the way our society defines it  - when you are identified with your "role" of a friend, father, husband etc. 

The best way I found to go ahead and submerge in the totality of the human experience  beyond the roles we play is to dis-identify with those through meditation or any other spiritual practice that lets you feel the unity with the entire existence, not just your own body and mind.

If you are OK with it, you can start by sitting down for a few brief moments and paying "non-verbal" attention to some object or process outside your midstream. Many advise to pay attention to your breath, but really anything would do as long as you aim to *perceive* it rather than analyze it and categorize it and criticize it :) in your mind. If you just see it for what it is then you achieved the needed state (no need to strain though, of course, you understand - just "ease" into it) So then gradually you can expand your awareness (with no actual thinking) to feel a different kind of depth and connection to everything, and then your previous patterns of behavior will transcend as well.  

I find this a lot more effective, as well as (and may be because it is) more gentle and considerate to yourself - as oppose to trying to "will" your mind and ego into doing something other than what it wants to do and therefore assuring more resistance :) Please do ask more questions if you like or better yet simply look up more info on meditation/expanded awareness and self perception, since there are many great people who have already discussed that at length.(...) Thank you for being responsible for your behavior and looking to address it - we are all better off because of people like you! Take good care and best wishes to you! <3"

I am happy to say, Neil later wrote to let me know that he found the advice helpful and it is bringing him greater peace, which, in turn, made me feel again that this whole thing is completely if I could help one human being feel better.

Thank you all for reading -  BEST WISHES to you too!

What is self-respect, self-acceptance and self-love?

Today's topic is a little intriguing for me too, since I do not claim to know the complete answer to the questions I pose, but rather I share with you what I learned on the subject, and am looking forward to hearing what you guys think as well.

Just about every self-help and self-improvement program out there preaches self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance. However, not surprisingly, for a person who has been lacking in those areas and is coming from the background where those mental attitudes and skills were missing as well, these concepts are not easy to fully process and understand. I find that sometimes it is easier to see materials explaining why it is important, than the once telling you more about how the process of greater self-love and self-acceptance actually works.

 For the longest time it puzzled and even somewhat bothered me as well, especially the concept of self-love. "How can I love MYSELF?!" -  I used to exclaim with exasperation. Love is something you experience as coming towards you or from you. Say, someone smiles at you and looks at you lovingly - you feel like you are worthy of affection and loved. Same when you do truly appreciate someone - you express it with your actions and/or words and then they feel these good feelings reverberate. So how can you do it for yourself - it doesn't make any sense... 

If you had that emotion in you, you would already feel it without having to "send" it over to yourself, and if you are lacking it, then by default you do not have anything to send, do you? You see how my confusion played out. Because I and naturally inclined to logically work out and analyze everything, I clearly could not make head or tail out of this, until, at last I stumbled on the question of identity. 

Of course!! When I was so puzzled as to meaning of those calls for greater self-love, I failed to consider that I might have a broader concept of my own identity. Since I do not really have time to go on more about those somewhat philosophical aspects, I will leave you with this hint and hope that those you find such explorations interesting will easily pick it up from here. 

But, staying on the topic of self-love and understanding it from more practical point of view, I, at last, settled on a different expression when attempting to explain this. Instead of saying we should love ourselves more, I propose that we open ourselves up to the love that exist in the Universe, and that still nourishes and sustains us despite all of the self-doubt or self-hurt that we generate. So for me it is a question of simply allowing more of the good stuff to come in into my life, taking down the obstacles on its path. 

That also means no longer defending against any new input at all, positive or not, out of fear, which used to be my habit. Of course, once we feel loved in this more profound way, it becomes easier to radiate that kind of love from within, which set off a much more positive and fulfilling cycle than self-denial and limitation ever could. 

Now, having somewhat covered self-love (and I really would like your opinions on the subject too), moving on to sense of self-respect and self acceptance. For the latter, my opinion is that self-acceptance really involves acceptance of our shortcomings and limitations, as well as our good qualities.

We, of course, live in the culture that continuously strives for bigger, faster and better and encourages individuals to do the same.  However, as many of us learn, if left unchecked, this type of never enough attitude is more likely lead to total burn out and nervous breakdown than world domination. 

While this type of never-ending strive is good for business, it, in my opinion, lacks in respect to natural ways life operates. Every human being needs some time to recuperate and some space to be able to be less than perfect and make mistakes. Too often type "A" personalities disregard that simple truth and drive themselves too hard in the pursuit of that illusive "perfection". However, denying your own needs can have a very high price, as many of us will only find out too late. Self-acceptance then, helps to maintain healthy balance and nourishes our self enough to keep going while feeling well. That  is self-acceptance the way I see it, and much of it,  I must confess, is purely theoretical so far, as I am absolutely terrible at accepting my own limitations, and expect myself to always perform perfectly which, of course, rarely happens and then beating myself up mercilessly for every little thing that went wrong.

 In my family, my worth was always judged on my performance and so i can see where this way of behaving must have originated, and why it is so hard to get rid if it despite all of the good reasoning. The other end of this unbalanced behavior is of course, total burn out where I finally succumb to exhaustion  
and simply let everything happen as it may, relinquishing any responsibility. Of course, none of this is healthy or helpful and so learning to accept myself is high on my list. 

Alright, time to move to the last part of today's topic - self respect. I guess this one was the easiest one for me to figure out, or at least so I think. Of course, self-respect means recognizing once own value. This  did not come as easily to me, and I think we somewhat covered this topic in the previous videos. Here, I will briefly note that for me, sheer fact that we still exist and that the force that created us still sustains our daily needs and therefore believes in our ability to improve and contribute, or even the fact that we are an inseparable part of this magnificent Universe is proof enough. 

However, there is another special meaning that self-respect holds for me, and I think this particular one affected me greatly. You see, while I was able to admit I have many unpleasant and downright unhealthy tendencies of a Narcissist, concealing the truth was never a significant part of my arsenal.I simply do not tolerate myself intentionally misleading someone, unless they were first to try and take advantage of me.


I feel equally strong, or perhaps even stronger about lying to myself. For me, self-respect first and foremost means being honest with oneself. Because our cognitive function is easier understood in terms of differentiating between parts of self - we all know that other "voice" in our head that does not really feel like our core selves, but rather like some "other" part talking to another, professionals sometimes call that part  Super Ego - it was easier for me to understand how one can try and conceal certain truths from another part of self, and I strive continuously to keep as much integrity in that way as possible. 

That, of course, does not equal being a hundred percent aware of all of the "secrets" my subconscious holds - it it were the case indeed, I would not have to struggle with all the issues I have been talking about in this series. I am simply saying is that once a certain fact reaches my conscious mind I try my best to keep it in light and in focus, and do not let myself to conceal the "inconvenient truth" again, simply because it is more comfortable. 

So, to me, at the root of self-respect lies self-awareness in a way that less-than-savory parts, once discovered, are acknowledged and processed and not staffed-down. I feel like this "core" discipline, when exercised, gives one enough strength to stand up to external challenges to their self-respect as well. It is almost like our internal "cleaning" gives us stronger immune system to ward off the less-than healthy input that comes from outside. Perhaps this is the only quality that kept me from going over-the-cliff as far as Narcissism or other imbalances, because absence of at least minimal self-awareness and willingness to act on it will make one "unreachable" to any kind of new input, and by extension,  any kind of improvement indeed.

 Of course, ability to stand up for oneself, put up healthy boundaries and determine when to exit a damaging situation or relationship are all signs of healthy self-esteem and therefore also signs of respecting oneself. However, I feel that at core of it all lies an ability to see your truth and act on it. So this is my take on the three skills/ attitudes often called for when trying to reach more emotional balance. 

Until just a few days ago, I could honestly say I have never have given it much thought (other than the concept of self-love, which, as I said, used to bother me plenty). Thanks to this project and to you guys, I am once having to think-through and articulate some of the basic concepts of self-discovery and greater self-awareness, and therefore I have to thank you for this opportunity to share and learn at the same time. Thank you again for commenting and supporting this project in any way you see fit. I am grateful and impressed with you guys every time. As always, best wishes to you! Take good care!

Here is a video from NPDrecovery channel that goes over the same material discussed in this post:

- 

Thanks again for visiting - all the best to you!

For "victims" on narcissist who chose to hang on to their relationship.

This post is in honor of all of my bighearted, giving, ever-supportive readers who through all the psychological pain, abuse and heartache still are choosing to stand by their abusers and desperately looking  for a solution on how to "awaken" and change Narcissism- affected loved-one. Tonight I was thinking of many questions and personal notes I receive from these people, and I felt inspired to make a post just for them. In honor and hopefully, as a little comfort and help to them and, of course, also as a way to say thank you for being so extraordinary inspiring in your commitment to love, loyalty and compassion.

As almost all of such people who write to me quickly confirm, the most important question in their mind is how can they help their loved one see the light and what they - their partners can do to aid that change. Here is where I risk to disappoint you as my answer won't be exactly along the lines that you would probably expect and prefer, but since you already know my intention in my posting this, I hope that you trust me to have your and your loved one best interest in mind. Of course that goes without saying that I can only offer you my opinion, but I still hope some of you will find value in it. Well, without further ado I think the best way you can possibly help yourself and your loved one in such a difficult situation is... stop trying so hard to help them. 

Yes. I know it sounds a little unexpected, but there is still a good reason for my saying it. In fact, I am pretty sure I alluded to the same solution in my other video/post, but I still feel like there is a need to highlight it. So, I am basically saying that your best chance in achieving some peace of mind and seeing actual progress in your loved one is to emotionally disengage. 
Well, perhaps not fully, but still to a significant degree. I will explain... As I said in other videos, long term partners of Narcissist are likely to exhibit codependent tendencies, that is to say to have a deep sense of investment in the way your partner feels, acts and, basically, in the way they choose to live their life. 

Of course, I understand that it is difficult not to care about how they feel and therefore behave when you are living under the same roof and often share children together. Please be assured - that is fully appreciated by me. However, what I am trying to say is that the partners of Narcissist have sense of responsibility and, by extension, a sense of control over how Narcissist acts and sees the world. Of course, you can not feel responsible for something you can not control, and therefore if you do have a sense of responsibility and are looking for different ways to influence your partner further, than, certainly you do believe you can indeed control their moods and their actions. Furthermore, this assumptions of yours is not entirely without ground. The Narcissist themselves probably worked quite diligently at instilling this idea in your mind. It is typical of abusers to claim that their victims "made them" do a certain thing or react a certain way. Even more bizarre is that they are probably not consciously lying that is to say they truly do believe and experience events in a way that makes them think it is YOUR actions that produce certain moods and behaviors in them and they themselves do not have control over how they feel at that moment. What to make of it then? 

The key here is the very nature of the disorder is inability to produce and regulate stable perception of self and therefore consistent value of self-worth, one's place in the world and the relationship to the world. 
This is precisely what drives the Narcissist crazy - the maddening inability to pull off something that everyone else on the planet takes per granted: basic feeling of security and stable feelings, and knowledge about themselves and the broader world.

So where then does your overwhelming desire to "help out" comes in? By your very kindhearted insistence on taking care of your loved one feelings and deficiencies you are not only highlight and reinforce the fact that they must depend on you for such functions, you are also perpetuating their own lack of such competence. You see how that is important, right? So it is one-two punch here - you are at once displaying your distrust in Narcissist ability to handle their own issues which probably leads to fits of rage since they resent that very dependency the most, but then you also insist on handling their issues for them so than they do not have any motive to change int he first place. 

Think about it: if you give a baby a thing they were trying to reach for every time that happens, how is the baby to learn how to do that for themselves? Or if you insist on carrying a small child around just so they do not have to run and fall, then it is not exactly a service to them  - and neither to yourself - is it? Of course, that is a rather exaggerated example, but there are distinct similarities. Now, believe me, I fully realize that you feel like you are acting out of love and concern (and sometimes your need for self-preservation), though if you are really honest, perhaps you would admit that there is some fear, mistrust and as a result desire for greater control in the mix. What I am trying to say is the only hope for a person as a Narcissist to ever learn how to handle themselves better is if the people around them will remove the "safety net" of artificially propping them out from outside, while ideally also displaying very trusting, loving (from afar), and supportive attitude towards their struggle. Just like you would with a baby that is trying to learn how to walk.

Do not imagine that your ever-forgiving or even submissive attitude will somehow resolve the Narcissist problem.  It may bring about much needed truce, but the emotional slew of their deeply held self-hate and mistrust is sure to erupt sooner or later.

You are neither responsible for nor equipped to handle this situation - I really urge you to try and feel that through. All the love and support in the world can not cure a person who doesn't trust their SELF, does not accept their SELF, runs away from their SELF. It is, indeed, between them and their inner SELF. What you can do is provide a safe and non-judgmental background for their inner "battle" to play out until they finally notice they have beating up on their own deepest sense of what is real and what is true. Also you can model for them a better way to relate to your true SELF and therefore practice your own self-acceptance and love. 

Just like children learn about life through watching what their parents do and how they feel much more than by listening to their "lectures", the Narcissist - being not much more themselves than a lost, stunted child, will only have a chance by watching people around them treating themselves better. Think about it: by insisting that your own peace of mind and happiness depends on how the Narcissist feels and behaves, you are reinforcing the same pattern you are desperately trying to avoid - clearly by meeting their needs through your feeding them with your attention and concern, they will have neither an intensive nor a clear blueprint for change. Many of them grew up in dysfunctional households where both partners were locked in that proverbial dance, and believed that they must depend on each other's emotional "moves" in order to be happy. 

I encourage you to try a different approach. Instead of focusing on your partner's apparent shortcomings, try and nurture your own strength and power to a point that you are no longer interested in feeding that same-old dynamic. There will come a point when you see yourself AND your partner through the new set of eyes, and who knows, that might just be enough of a push for them to try something new as well. So here we have our singular set of paradoxes: you can help someone by withdrawing your usual "help" and then you can help yourself by trusting them enough to be their own rescuer and their own hero.  Which, sure enough, was what they wanted to be all along... 

In many ways Narcissism, as well as codependency is no more than a set of agreements that allows one to believe they do not have the power to  achieve what they want and so they concluded they require someone else in order to fulfill their needs. In fact - as we saw just now - the opposite is true:each of us have what we need to be a perfectly secure and happy human being, and once there, we are so much better equipped to be a real partner to some one else. Of course, it is not that easy to apply this rule to our everyday relationship, and if it was, the whole world would be different then. However, one can try and try we must, especially when turning away from this truth has landed us in places where seemingly no one would want to be stuck in for too long. 
I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this. Not many people would like to face up and see that solution lies within them - it seems easier and more comfortable to see what is not right with our counter party. However, the clue lies within us, and once we come to truly appreciate it - there is no turning back. A new, brighter world awaits and even the past trouble seem like a good thing once you know where they have been really leading. Well, my most sincere wish for you is that you reach that place. For my part, I will wish you well and trust that you have what it takes to get there. If you wish, check the corresponding video description on my channel (below) and see the song the lyrics of which I would like to share with you guys to help you think it through and forgive me this naive gesture if you are not into that style of music. I truly thank and love you guys! All the best to you!

Dealing with calculating, manipulative Narcissist.

As promised, this post is also on the subject of manipulative, calculating Narcissist.

This time we will discuss the ways to counteract their choices, and a few ways to try and minimize the damage and possibility of future attempts to manipulate you. 

Fair warning: many of you may find this tactics a little less than scrupulous and I will be first to admit that in the ideal world none of us should ever stoop down to behaving that way. However, as in my video about leaving a Narcissistic partner, I do want to remind you that you are dealing with extremely self-centered, unfeeling human being who can and will make you feel very sorry indeed if you fail to appreciate who you are dealing with, equip yourself with knowledge and behave accordingly. 

Make no mistake - manipulative and calculating Narcissist will not think twice about ruining your reputation, breaking ties with your family members or friends or grinding your self respect and even your very soul to pieces, if that suits their purpose. Such a situation is hardly a time to be overly magnanimous. Anyway, with this preamble taken care of, let us go to the core of the issue. 

The situation as follows: you have found out that you are being "played", manipulated or otherwise controlled based on your trust and emotions you have invested in a certain person. As it usually the case, the realization came too late, and you find yourself quite involved in their "plot". What now? 

Well first let me back up for a second and discuss the meaning of "manipulation" as I use it here. In my view, manipulation is an elaborate and quite deliberately chosen or constructed plan of action for the purpose of getting a certain objective, goal or needs met. That means that a person would have to do quite a bit of analysis and planning in advance, and then do some adjusting when their scheme is set in motion. In other words, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old when their needs have not been met or when they fear being abandoned does not constitute real manipulation - it is merely a knee-jerk reaction of the magnitude the "offending party" can not even control, let alone plan - and therefore they also can not control the way it would affect your relationship long term and are probably feeling at your mercy at that emotional moment, and justifiably so. 

That is quite the opposite of manipulation, in my book, since a truly skilled manipulator would never let the person they have been manipulating realize what have been going on up until the point they have attained the goal and the concealment of their real objective or persona is no longer needed. They would have to plan such a scheme well in advance, and at no point would they have elected to be out of control. Such person's behavior usually is very matter of fact and business-like and emotional outbursts generally do not figure into their schemes, unless our particular manipulative Narcissist has a flair for drama (as in all things theatrical ) and is not afraid to pull a public performance. 

Even conceding that they chose to go the "emotional" route, they would still fake it just to the point of attaining a particular goal and not a second further. Consider the following scenario: your partner realizes that their antics have all but destroyed the bond between you and you are getting ready to call it quits. Here is what I would not consider being manipulative behavior, although I know many others would choose to see it as such: your partner makes a huge emotional scene, try to convince you they can not possibly live without you and that if you do leave they may have no other choice but to hurt themselves in order to terminate their misery. Now, they may be exhibiting traits of BPD and may genuinely believe they can not survive without you. In my book, that does not constitute manipulative behavior, even if most level headed adults would be tempted to view it as such. Truly manipulative person would never allow themselves to disintegrate in the pool of tears and beg at your feet not to leave them as some poor lost little child would. The person we are discussing in this first instance is in genuine pain at the moment, and though they might tax your own energy and freedom at their limit, that feeling of burden is not by itself a proof of being manipulated. 

Consider another scenario that may look similar to an unsuspected spectator, but which, contrary to the first example, bear all the signs of manipulation. The premise is the same: your spouse or partner realize that you are about to leave them, yet they are depended on you financially or otherwise, and they do not wish to relinquish their cozy situation without a fight. They may try and make their case with you, plainly stating that they do not intend to let you get off easily. Note, unlike in the first example, the partner is in total control of themselves, and, indeed, very likely in control of the whole situation. Suppose you counter that you are set on leaving this time. They act cold and composed while you are saying this, yet dissolve in the state of uncontrollable grief/panic or feigned remorse once your family, pastor or any other influential person in the community or in your life enters the picture. This is a clear case of manipulation and deceit. 

Despite of the optics of the situation being very similar - we have seemingly uncontrollably grieving person begging their partner not to leave them - in this second example we have all the signs of real manipulation - the conduct is clearly premeditated, the person has not acted impulsively and is in total control of their own emotional state, behavior and the situation at large - though you may end up looking like an ass for trying to leave such a dedicated, loving spouse at their most vulnerable moment, you know for a fact that you have been played and there is not a drop of truth in what they are trying to "sell" others in order to advance their own goals. That would constitute a clear case of manipulation. 

Though, as I said, In my experience most skilled manipulators tend to stay away of emotional displays altogether, and deal instead in cold hard facts and logic. Anyway, thank you for enduring, such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it does help understand what I am about to try and parse for the remainder of the post. As we said, when dealing with skilled manipulator, the first hurdle is that you generally learn about their true intentions and objectives much too late. 

Even so, once you are aware of them your only chance of making it out with least damage possible, in my opinion, is to play your cards very close to your chest. At no point you are to confront such a person and demand an honest explanation - you would only be exposing yourself and inviting more deceit and manipulation or even outright intimidation and other unpleasant stuff to follow. Instead, you are advised to play dumb and play along. 

Let me explain:

First, you need to privately do the same thing the Narcissist does: you are to assess the situation coldly, with analytical state of mind,  and try to figure out the best you can their true ultimate objective and what is it that they are trying to get out of you in the process. Your "contribution" is not always the end result, and so you need to understand both very well. Once you are clear on what is it that the Narcissist wants to get out of you, your job is to convince them that you are incapable of providing it to them to a degree they have hoped, despite your undying loyalty and foremost admiration for them (sarc.)

You see, we are truly doing what Narcissist do when they set out to exploit other people's weaknesses: we are going to exploit their own. By the very nature of their disorder, the Narcissist are prone to believing that they are by far the smartest and shrewdest person around, as well as the one deserving of unlimited praise and loyalty. So if we are to play along by pretending not to be smart enough to serve their purpose, while simultaneously feeding their ego, they will probably conclude they have made a mistake in choosing you to do their bidding and soon move on in search of the better candidate. 

Say your boss likes to use your work and present it as his own. Contact a manager to whom your boss reports and politely ask them advice on including particular data your report and which data in their opinion would be most accurate etc. or whatever else would fit your situation, making the it as specific and memorable as possible. The point is to make them aware that you are the one responsible for the report. If well received, send a copy of the report with relevant areas highlighted prior to "official" presentation for their approval. Should your boss try and present your report as his own work later on, he will end up with an egg on his face, and you will always have the cover of simply being overly eager to do a great job. Possibilities are endless, the key rule is to engage the Narcissist on his own terms since being upfront only gives him more opportunities to mess you up. 

In the example of manipulative spouse the approach would be to concede their right to forever control you and your marriage as convincingly as you can and therefore pacify them before they really start fighting. While they are resting on their laurels, you would be wise to consult a lawyer, community leader, police officer and whoever else you find applicable in the effort to precede them and therefore take away their chance to "set up" the stage the way they want. Provided, the situation involving spouses and family are among the most difficult and I did not set out to discuss it in this video, I still want to try and illustrate the same approach even in the most puzzling circumstances. 

Generally, the idea is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try and operate from the most impartial, unemotional perspective you can manage, and then be brave, keep your end objective in mind and believe that your own determination and courage will see you through!