Cheat sheet for dealing with a Narcissistic person

Hello, everyone! Thank you so much for your patience and support - I am glad I can finally make another post. In this one we will discuss a few important things that help you stay safe when dealing with Narcissist. I will list the main points and then briefly summarize the essence of each one.  As usual, I hope that you do let me know what you think and add your own points based on your experience and thoughts - I thank all viewers who share their own wisdom and help others overcome difficult times, your input is much appreciated and are always welcome to the discussion.

Now, moving on to our first point. This one is most likely understood by you since you are reading this, but I will underline it anyway, as it is important and it is also good to point out you are already making proactive choices in bettering your future interactions. The first points is to educate yourself, so you can tell a Narcissist beforehand and avoid him or her. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? I guess so, but for the sake of completion, I included this as well.


The second point is - make yourself Narcissist-proof by understanding true self-esteem. I think the best way to describe true self esteem is as profound belief that EVERY living being has intrinsic value as a unique expression of the creative power, and every one of us is to be treated with respect, no matter what is our status or appearances. In other words, there is no need to think that you are better or less than anyone else. IF you make this your real life motto and avoid engaging Ego-driven people on the level that will suck you into their drama, than it is very unlikely that you are going to appeal to, and as a consequence, be hurt by a Narcissist. Their egos thrive on completion-driven drama, and if you are over those games, than they will not find anything to draw you in.


The third point I would like to discuss is a very important one, and though I have talked about it in my other videos, I feel compelled to highlight it again. Please, DO NOT ignore or excuse warning signs. IF you notice something that doesn't feel or sound right - take time to honestly evaluate it. It will save you lots of grief and time in the future. If you see the person treating a waiter or a sub-ordinate condescendingly, if you see them kicking their pet or telling insensitive jokes - take notice. What a person does when they think it is of no consequence says a lot about them. Think about it: would a goodhearted, compassionate person really laugh at another's misfortune? Would they find their "superior" position so intoxicating that they had to put others down just to feel more important? Can you really trust a person who seems to delight in feeling "better-than"? The trickiest situations will present a mixed bag of good and not-so-good qualities and opportunities all mixed up.

For example, I recently met a brilliant, energetic, driven man who also acts appallingly patronizing and disrespectful toward his girlfriend. He also finds my company very desirable and never allows such behavior towards me. Starved for intellectually stimulating company as I was, I quickly realized that should I accept his interest and his many "favors" at the start of our relationship, I will only be in for a familiar ride of "idealization-devaluation" and before long I will be treated the same way, if not worse, than his loyal girlfriend is treated now. I allowed myself no excuses and no second guesses as I made for a quick exit. MY body instantly felt more relaxed and uplifted, which had only confirmed what I already knew to be true, no matter how attractive his energy, drive and conversational skills might have been.

Time to move on to our forth point: once you have seen the "red flags" make every effort to distance yourself, do not engage in any kind of meaningful contact, even if you must interact socially, and, if you have already entered the relationship, exit as soon as possible. In most cases, there is no point in confronting the Narcissist with "the truth", as it will only lead to more engagement, confusion and emotional entanglements. Just chalk it up to be "lesson learned" an move on as quickly and efficiently as possible. Remember that your job is to protect and uplift yourself - you are not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's sole benefit.

Point number five deals with the situation when complete severance of relationship is not possible:
Be firm on your rights and boundaries, establish clear rules for what you will and will not tolerate and NEVER waiver on those. The last part is important, because Narcissists, somewhat like children, will take your being lenient once as a signal that they the rules do not really matter all that much to you, and the next time will try every trick in the book to make their way around your boundaries again. Once you said "No" it must be a complete and unwavering No, which will communicate precision and establish firm limits and consequences for breaking those limits in the future.


This brings us to point six: Document every undesirable conduct and inform future sources of support as soon as possible. Now, I know this may sound daunting, but this also is very important in cases of domestic, workplace, or pretty much any other abuse. Even if you feel assaulted and, as a consequence, very confused and traumatized emotionally (something that many abusers count on) - please make an effort of taking the incident very seriously in terms of documenting its occurrence and making it known to appropriate authorities.

 For example, if your coworker has been verbally abusive and intimidating, do not wait to inform your supervisor and, if need be, an H R specialist at your company as soon as possible. There is no point in waiting for things to "improve" on their own (they hardly ever do), and the abuser only will take your perceived compliance as a sign of weakness and as a signal to go right ahead and continue or even escalate their abuse.

Tell everyone who may be your potential sources of support when, where and how precisely the incident happened - the more people know, the more of them may act, advocate and testify on your behalf should the matter reach the level of official inquest, as it routinely does. While dealing with authorities, communicate as clearly as you can, resist the urge to "enhance" certain facts in your favor and stir clear of getting overly accusatory or emotional. Now, this last bit may not seem fair, but as a matter of practical advice it will really help you if you do stay calm. Police officers, court officials, high level managers and supervisors are dealing with untold amounts of human drama in their professional lives, and less compassionate ones may be tempted to dismiss your entire testimony if they suspect you are trying to stir events in your favor by appealing to their emotional side. Remember, they are trained to be equally discriminating of both sides of the conflict, and in the effort to do so they may sometimes appear callous, or even downright unreasonable, but this is the way they see their duty and you are better off getting prepared ahead of time and presenting your case in as impersonal and fact-based way as possible. 

It is also important to clearly understand your position on the matter, and NEVER waver from it while communicating with authorities. Leave your private ruminating and grieving to your own safe environment - there is not point in sharing your doubts and demonstrating your less-than-complete resolve to authorities. They are likely to just translate it as more of pointless work for them, and try and wiggle their way out of really addressing the matter. Classic example, of course, would be a spouse who calls police to restrain their abusive partner only to start having second thoughts at the precinct and end up not pressing charges or asking to release the offender. To the officers, such situations are a let down and a waste of time, and this is likely to be evident the next time you, or even another victim in the area contacts them. Please do yourself and others a favor and stand firm for your rights, your dignity and your safety.

Finally, if possible, avoid berating and emotionally pressuring the Narcissist, since, by the nature of the disorder, it is more likely to lead to long rage-filled denial-based tirades than to any real progress. Instead, if possible, try and express some understanding and a little bit of compassion towards them, while at the same time re-affirming your boundaries. For example, you may say something like this: "I understand the difficulties you are having, but I must repeat that this behavior is unacceptable to me, no matter what brought it on." This way you are not vilifying or pushing away the person as much as you reject their behavior, and believe it or not, it may make a difference in the amount of emotional push-back you are likely to get. Just keep asserting your right to be treated with respect and dignity and be sure that they understand that you are prepared to do what is necessary to protect those rights, while still having compassion towards them as a person having difficulties handling their emotions and perceptions of others. I think this compassionate attitude, if you are able to muster it, is best kept as a steady emotional background while interacting with the Narcissist, not as a consistently verbalized statement for them to react to. They do not have emotional maturity to handle that type of feedback and are likely to interpret it as condescending and/or patronizing and therefore insulting. However, if kept as an emotional base for every interaction, I believe this attitude can be helpful, even if just in keeping you calm and centered.

Thank you for reading! As usual, I am grateful for your comments.
Thank you for your continuous support. I am wishing you all a blessed day!

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