Hello, everyone!
Thank you for joining me. Today I am going to discuss a topic that may ruffle a few feathers, but, nevertheless, it is extremely important to at least consider for anyone who is genuinely looking to heal and, hopefully, grow after they have been traumatized in the Narcissistic relationships.
To be honest, questioning these very topics moved me to start this channel in the first place, and I still see them as the most useful and important to consider out of the multitude of subtopics of discussion on Narcissism. However, consideration of those topics requires some courage, a maximally honest evaluation, and a strong intention to take charge and move on, and it probably comes as no surprise that many of the Narcissist's counterparts are not ready to venture that far just yet.
Before you think that I am trying to assign responsibility or even blame where it does not belong, let me clarify.
Everyone who has been abused by a Narcissist is very familiar with an overwhelming sense of anger and with desire to vilify your abuser if only to take care of all of the confusing painful emotions you experience and channel all that angst in a simple and genetically well-primed way that will bring about clarity and relief, even if short-lived. Please do not misunderstand me: I know how inevitable and indeed even natural that kind of reaction toward your abuser can be. I am pushing 40, but there are still days when I remember my mother's past deeds and all I can do is rage. I have not spoken to my mother for over 5 years, but in those moments my memories ARE my reality and I can not escape it. So just to be clear I am not judging anyone for that reaction by any means, which would be not only hypocritical but also quite useless.
What I am trying to say is that my motive for bringing this topic is purely utilitarian.
When I considered everything that has happened to me mentally and emotionally over the years of trying to untangle the mess my Narcissistic relationship left me with,
I came to realize that there are some valuable insights that can be gained out of the process. And, naturally, I wanted to share those with others who are having to do with similar pain.
But when I considered how I can communicate that subtle shift in understanding, I realized that it is going to be hard to do not only because of the nature of psychological change and growth, but also because some of this may come across as my trying to shift the blame away from one party in the dysfunctional relationship and put it on the other. So I want to say: this is not about the blame, or about trying to devalue or prohibit some of your feelings. I possess no such powers and neither would I want them.
As I said, those feelings are very familiar to me and they still present a formidable challenge at times, and I do not presume to have a right to judge anyone's response to a terribly traumatic situation. On the contrary, I always say it is you and you alone who decides what your inner truth is, what feelings and words communicate that truth the best and if and when and how you are ready to move on from those responses toward something new. I just want to share this concept because it made a difference to me. And, of course, you are free to choose if that make sense and to use any part of it if you so choose to your own advantage.
OK, with no further ado here it is: for the codependent, the real healing begins with shifting the focus from their abuser to themselves in a way that assumes maximum responsibility for their own well-being and happiness, and completely excludes their abuser as a factor. Yeah, I said it (and I am sure some of you are not happy that I did) - it is counterintuitive for the most codependence, but I am convinced that that is actually the clearest and fastest way out. Before you dismiss it as unrealistic let me illustrate it in this little allegory.
Imagine, you are traveling to some remote country, and you have to stay in a little tiny hotel for a while. You have never been to the place before. Your tour agent promised you that your host will speak perfect English so that you can communicate clearly and get all your practical needs taken care of. When you arrive, however, you discover that the person who is supposed to help you does not speak a word in English, and also appears to be partially blind, hard of hearing and always busy. You are stuck with them for the night with no one to call and there is no way to get through to them about the fact you need some food and a few other items. You shout and point all you can, but they are not getting it, nor they are particularly interested. You ask for an iron, they give you a pen. You ask for shampoo, they give you someone else's bill. You need a Wi-Fi password, they say "One minute!" then disappear. Now, what would you do in this situation? I am sure you can see what I am getting at here. Just how much of the energy would you devote to trying to get your host to cooperate, and after learning they can not - how much time and power would you spend blaming them and raging at them. and how much of it would you reroute to getting your needs met on your own? Remember, they are not actively preventing YOU from getting what you need, they are just not playing the "good host" part and refuse to understand or supply what you need. Given this circumstance, I am sure most of us would fairly quickly arrive at the point where we just went ahead and searched for the food and other items on our own or went without some and then left the wretched place as soon as we could manage. It is hard to imagine anyone spending the entire night (let alone years) trying to get the host to understand, to cooperate and to provide them with the things they needed.
Yet when it comes to a relationship people routinely do just that. They can not simply acknowledge the fact that their partner is not capable of understanding or caring about their needs, let alone of fulfilling them. Somehow it is so hard for some to accept the fact they were stuck with a person who is in a way incapacitated when it comes personal relationship that they would rather believe in some kind of demonic, satanic nature of the person conspiring to inflict that much pain on them, instead of seeing that the person they demonize also suffers greatly from not being able to relate naturally and from constantly being on the receiving end of other people's disapproval and judgement.
Remembering all of the encounters that hurt me so (if I am being completely honest) I can see that most of the time my "enemy" genuinely did not know how to give me what I need, or in some cases how to even want to give it to me. And blaming and raging at the people like that may seem righteous and bring a bit of a relief, but ultimately it only means that next time we will not see the same situation coming on. We will still be convinced that some people OWE us certain kind of treatment or actions only because it suits us. In a way, we will be exhibiting the same kind of behavior we blame the Narcissist for, as we have no interest and almost deny the experience of the other person as it does not suit us. Now, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this, but if among the listeners there are some people who are ready to at least consider what I am saying for a second, then it all was worth it.
So just to illustrate what I am trying to say here. Suppose you are in a romantic relationship with a man, and everything is coming along swimmingly. You go on the dates, he brings you flowers, you go on a trip together (here we ould ask ourselves what makes him act so perfect, but that is another topic)... THEN one of your conversation turn into a slight disagreement and he completely flips out. He is raging, chairs are flying - you are feeling scared and confused. A few moments later, realizing that he has gone way too far, he apologizes and promises that that would never happen again. A classic setup for a domestic violence situation, right?
At that moment when he apologizes and asks you to forgive him, you have several choices: you can make an exit as soon as it is safe to do so, and never look back. You can flare up two, give him back what he dished out and then some, and then it would be a battle of the wills and volatile relationship. You can smile, accept his offer at a consolation gift/dinner whatever and pretend that nothing happened and you can try and question what triggered this kind of the reaction and how does see himself when he acts that way.
I would venture to say that the choice number one is the best one as far as your safety is concerned, But we also know that it not probably one a codependent person would pick. Consider the second choice - to rage and fight back feels very powerful, but still gives too much of control over your feelings to the other person. If you really found the behaviour he had shown earlier unacceptable, you would do your best to distance from the person. not try and connect with them more by explaining your feelings and expecting a reaction from them The third choice would be also popular among codependence - to pretend that nothing is wrong and that was just a fluke is to choose to protect your illusion and disregard the painful reality that was just shown to you as plain as day. It is not being nice and does no favors to the other person at all. Contrary to what most ppl think, a dysfunctional relationship destroys both people and makes them suffer greatly in the long run. Just as you do no favors to the alcoholic by accepting their lies about how much they drink, you can not help an abusive person by pretending their terrible behavior is not real or very easy to quit. So it is a lose-lose situation and both people will pay the price if they decide to go down this "pretend" path together. Now, the fourth choice was a bit of a trick. To remind you, I worded it this way: you can try and question what triggered this reaction and how does he see himself when he acts that way. If you assume that by "question" I meant literally asking a question of that person, it may sound just like another set-up for a codependent person, focusing on their partner and letting them control the narrative and shape the story as they will, and let their illusions and defenses cover it up.
But what if I did not mean to ask THEM a question. What if I meant "consider" what triggered it etc. And not so that you can excuse them, but so you can truly SEE them, not your fantasy and not your (unmet) needs and your ruined romantic story. Once you see the true person - who is not completely in control, broken and aggressive it would be very easy to get to the option number 1, and not just automatically screening out unwanted behaviour but consciously realizing the whole depth of the situation and learning from it, so that you do not have to repeat it in the future. THIS IS what I am getting at. I am not saying accept who they are in a sense that you let them abuse you - of course not! I am saying see who they truly are and not your own illusion, your idea which can only overpower your judgment if you do not truly care about who the person is as long as they fulfill their assigned role in your scenario. Oh. my God, I feel like I am going to be hated for this, but yeah, I am saying it. I do not think it is possible to be sucked deep into a romantic situation with a Narcissist if you are willing to actually pay attention to their whole person, not their assigned role in your life. And it is not possible to take responsibility if you do not have the true picture.
Coming back to our earlier analogy, if you are in denial about your host condition, if you are thinking they are pranking you or worse, do it to you on purpose in some cruel plot, you are in for much more pain and a lot more wasted attempts to get something out of a hopeless situation. Once you know they are not coming through for you the solution is clear. Similar thing can be said about an abusive partner, still in your life in the flesh or as haunting memory in your mind and heart - as long as you see them as actually incapable, emotionally and mentally unfit to fulfill your (or anybody else's) needs then you are more likely to chalk it up to an unfortunate occurrence (not unlike a natural disaster) and focus your attention on what YOU can do to feel better.
The elusive closure can be easily had without your ex-partner having to clear up the mess (which is fortunate because there was a very slim chance that they would every do that) - and it feels amazing to finally resolve to quit expecting others to do things differently and simply allow yourself to take care of things.
As a conclusion, I want to say that I did have an opportunity to revisit this lesson again when I run into a very difficult situation and once again ended up feeling powerless and sad. Although there were many components to the situation that had me feeling down, I realized that there were many of them I could not control and I decided to consciously focus on what I could do, and making one step toward a better situation for myself no matter how small. I chose one simple action to take, and even before I actually did it my mood had shifted for the better.
Often times focusing on circumstances and people's power over us has us feeling completely powerless and afraid, or angry. Shifting focus to what YOU can do, even if it just taking a walk, cleaning up your space or eating a fruit instead of a cake can do a lot for our self-esteem and mood. And that is something that your abuser can not control (unless you let them.)
Dear friends - I thank you so much for staying with me until the conclusion! It is important for me to get it out as I care immensely about all the people who are suffering and are in search for the good information and practical solutions so that they could feel better once again, I still remember my own quest for the truth and how gut wrenching the first steps toward these insights were. I thank you all and I love you all, I care very much about how you feel and wish you all the best. I just want you to know that as I am telling you the things that might be hard to take at first - I only do it because I genuinely care.
On that note, please be well and we will speak again soon!
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