Recently I was fortunate to work with a wise and sharp-minded therapist.
Among other things, she has drawn my attention to this quality of a human mind/personality:
practically all of us had an experience when we felt perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our actions, and felt strong and competent. The context for this assertion was that most people coming to therapy expect to work on their childhood experiences, wounds and the deep-held believes that were, for the most part, results of those wounds. I, too, came to therapy with that notion, and in all honesty I still believe that a lot of our present problems do depend on our experiences as children. This therapist, however, did not share this believe and in fact she told me that she downright denies her clients' frequent requests to work with their childhood wounds.
And this is the part that picked my interest: she stated that in her view every human being has what she called a 'healthy personality' and also a 'wounded personality', and all of us at one point or another used one of those as a platform for our actions, or, as she put it 'leaned' on it.
Now, I see no need to 'split' out internal world on two separate personalities :) and I would say instead that we all have separate 'sets' of certain states, beliefs, emotional, mental and behavioral patterns that we had accumulated at different stages of our lives, and that sometimes one of those 'sets' gets activated at the 'expense' of the other.
For example: you have agreed to meet your friend, came to a place of a meeting and have waited for her for a long time. She is obviously late and haven't called. You have a couple of different ways to react:
You may get frustrated and angry, feel disrespected by her lack of communication and storm out of that place, promising yourself to ignore any of her future attempts to connect.
Or perhaps you would feel worried, or sad and alone; or may be you would just assume she had her reasons for behaving that way and wait until you have more information to react.
Of course it is not hard to notice that one of these possibilities sounds a lot healthier and more balanced than others. Human beings can react in variety of ways. My therapist asserted that all of us choose healthy behaviors at times. The trick, she said, is to 'lean' on the healthy part as much as you can and put less attention on the wounded part. I liked that idea for its optimism, though, as I said, I personally still believe in the necessity of working with our childhood hurts.
A few days later I had an opportunity to test my therapist's idea in action. A friend of mine who I came to rely on had suddenly proved less trustworthy a few times on the row. The 'offenses' were relatively minor, but I, with my tendency to blow everything that has to do with my persona :) out of proportion, was cycling in my usual "she has betrayed me therefore she must be cut off from my life" mental rut, and then I suddenly 'heard' another part of me say: "Well, she trusted you enough to invite you to her house and let you sleep in her place, and she cared enough to be there when you were sick and lonely, so clearly she loves you and cares about you and deserves your trust and good will as well."
May be it is the usual thing for most people, but let me tell you, nothing of the sort has EVER happened in my mind. Nearly all of my interactions are organized around immediate benefits that I can get out of people, and I manage my connections very tightly exactly from the perspective of the most precise and beneficial gain. It is awful, but this is honestly how my mind operates and my life goes... The time that I do not spend persuading, managing and/or manipulating someone directly, I spend pretending that I care and showing off my good thoughts and deeds in hopes of giving the people enough reasons to give what I need in return. :/
Getting back to the main thought: I guess the idea that there is another, healthier part of my mind, of which I simply haven't made much use, had somehow stayed with me and later got 'highlighted' in such an unusual way. :) I am very pleased with the result and so I share it with you guys on hopes it can be of help.
I was able to honestly more deeply relate to my friend that night, be genuinely grateful, connect and forgive her meager slip ups.
If I didn't have that little 'breakthrough' I would probably have to talk myself into not cutting off yet another connection because I still might need that person's help in the future or simply going with my darker feelings and ignoring her... :/
Yes, this is how sad and barren NPD-affected individual's interpersonal relationships really are... BUT there is hope, and I invite everyone who is looking for solution and reading this right now to try and imagine, or better yet, connect with a healthier part of their Self. Perhaps it would help to remember times when you felt more real and connected to yourself and others as a result of a different choice of pattern in thought and/or behavior.
From my experience I can tell you that being in your 'healthy' state feels like you are in touch with your body, energized, stronger, more connected to the present moment and your surroundings.
The physical sensation is unmistakable in a sense that you know you are right where you supposed to be.
I hope this can point you to the place where you too can find an authentic and empowering connection with yourself and others.
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