Narcissists "hurt" by not hurting enough.

One viewer of my vlog-  NPDrecovery on youtube-  has recently asked these questions:

"... Why is a person with NPD so easily hurt, yet can not comprehend how their own words and actions hurt others? And if they become self-aware of this (temporarily), what happens? Thank you again, you are very brave and have provided invaluable insight."

Here is my attempt to answer: 

From my experience, what basically happens is the Narcissist reacts more to YOUR raw emotions when she or he are getting "hurt"(perhaps the absence of their own emotional phone is to blame for this extra sensitivity, sometimes also combined with being hyper-alert after having to rely on that trait to survive abusive childhood)- so they just "catch" what you feel and start feeling it and then experience this violent reaction of having to "push" it out and resist feeling unwanted emotions that they perceive as a weakness, and then also the emotions that come as a reaction to those,  like shame, guilt and so that manifests outwardly as rage at you for "making" them experience those emotions.

Suppose you came to them wanting more intimacy, some empathy or when you were saddened or upset by something. Internally, they view vulnerability and emotional openness as a weakness and then also a threat. Often having survived abuse in their childhood they mistakenly attribute the predicament to themselves being too "trusting", vulnerable  open and so on and so they fear and so try to avoid experiencing those emotions to avoid re-experiencing the trauma (which they often consciously "forgot") or even having to witness and therefore being reminded of those emotions and therefore of that perceived weakness.*  It seems they can not react in a healthy way to your hurt or reaching out for empathy - to them it is just an attempt to shame them, to show them how they are to at fault. Once they catch those emotions and perceived implications of those, they will, of course, will try and avoid feeling the pain by turning around and "defending" against you, blaming you and making it all about themselves.

(I can only imagine how puzzling and discouraging it is to be treated like this when you came to a person for empathy or understanding... :/ )

Now, In case when the Narcissist is the one who is hurting someone, they do not really feel anything inside (I know, kind of a horrible thing to say - but do see my point, it is not quite the "usual" implication) - in a sense that they do not really "set out" to hurt you the way they inevitably think you are doing when they are getting "hurt". They do it by NOT caring, by NOT showing emotions, by making sure you are not able to experience them in that way. In their mind they are almost giving you a favor by being so "shut down" and removed, because to them if they do not "bring" their emotions to the table then you can not be affected, since their only mechanism of experiencing discomfort is by "catching" your emotions. In a way it's like they are lacking initiative in the most basic way - they write themselves off as a person who can experience true emotions and therefore also as a person who can AFFECT  other's true emotions. You see what I mean?   (I don't blame you if you don't at first, I bet it is a puzzle for any regular person to think that way) They have not been really 'hear" or "seen" as an actual person when they were forming as persons, so they got used to the idea that their actions and feelings DO NOT truly matter. And in the rare event that they become for a second aware of those buried (and by now totally destructive  feelings, they think the dutiful thing      to do is to "shove it down" as deep as possible and pretend they do not exist.  So if they do not "impose" their feelings on you which, they figure, should make you happy and they are genuinely puzzled when you feel dissatisfied with that.

Narcissism is like a delicate dance of constantly having to re-balance internally, and get the best hold you can of all those explosive feelings and blaming, harsh, criticizing voices in you, while out worldly trying to present a composed, impenetrable  nearly perfect "front". It is exhausting, thoroughly dissatisfying and incredibly persistent - one can not simply stop and catch themselves for any length of time - once they are aware their frightened tiny inner being pushes them back into the "game' since there is not enough psychic energy to confront whatever the person fears feeling through.

As for being temporary aware, I can only speak from my experience and that "realization" always catches me speechless, and I become quiet and kind of (very mutely  sad, because I honestly have not an earthly clue how to stop behaving that way towards the very same people who care about me most. Just a rational realization in my mind, while better than nothing, does not amount to much - to re-condition one's behavior, or in this case,  their whole personality - their entire perception of the world and of themselves - that takes much more than a moment of intellectual awareness.

I attribute the limited progress that I made to the dogged determination to "dig deep"and figure out what had happened to me as a child and why am I experiencing this combined with the willingness to get through as much emotional pain as needed in order to see the truth, the reality of what IS my familiar situation and my make-up as a human being. It is the almost scientific curiosity coupled with the love of discovering the true "motive" behind things that lead me there initially, not necessarily the effect I was having on other people (pardon), though it did play a role later if only by intellectually realizing my responsibility towards others, without the "stick" of corresponding emotions to really make it, well, felt...

Please don't forget that all people are different, and Narcissism IS, after all, a spectrum disorder (even if this was said so many times it lost its original meaning lol)) I hope this helps to a degree, though I feel a little bad that I did not have more encouraging view. Thank you again for your initial question and please do feel free to ask again, comment and share what you think. 

Best wishes to you!

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers: my best wish for you is to find your own light

As daughters of Narcissistic mothers, we have been challenged to a fit that seems to be very hard to pull off: we must find the way to nurture ourselves, instead of looking for our mothers to assist us our growing, learning and gaining confidence. Whereas other babies and then kids have the luxury of their loving and caring parents "holding them up" to grow and develop to their best, we must do the difficult work of "growing up" internally, on our own.

As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us.  And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being  - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...

The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.

Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that  - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it  - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you)  has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.

And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.

Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you!