Beginning of recovery - my own experience.

I've been thinking about a question that most of my viewers/readers ask me : "How did your own recovery begin?" Prior to this moment I haven't been up to discussing that because it opens up another, even more personal layer of my life. However, my desire to find and share the truth has been my saving grace so far and so I am going to continue. I will describe exactly what happened to me and in doing so, hopefully, point to a way out of seemingly never-ending cycle of pain that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The biggest clue I have been able to find is the source of identity and the way it relates to their "true self." Now this must be very confusing for many people (I know it was for me) and dreadful as it is, I am going to tackle explaining this the best I can.

Many people identify with the predominant "voice" in their head  - the constant stream of thoughts, judgments, anticipations, worries and references to the past in an attempt to determine the future - as their main source of knowing who they are. Some go so far as to completely identify with that "voice" and treat it as the only source of credible information about themselves and the world. Everyone is familiar with that part of their existence, but there are people who completely equate themselves with the voice and do not let even the moment of quiet, direct experience of the world to come through unobstructed by their "analysis." In a case of Narcissist, there is a very definite reason for this guarded, inflexible, fear-based attitude, and in my view it lies at the very core of the disorder.

Now, lets examine where does this so-called "voice" come from? Omitting all of the professional jargon that does more to confuse than to explain :) I will venture out and say that it internalized rules, views and ideas of our parents and/or other significant caregivers as well as societal norms and ideas we have been raised to adsorb has much to do with the content of our inner "talk." It looks like we have first grown accustomed to and then "appropriated" the same ideas and underlying emotional tone of the people ans circumstances that had played a significant role during our childhoods. Think that is a little far-fetched? See if you catch yourself unawares when you are running a familiar "script" in your mind when you are reacting to a particular person or situation, or even to your own behavior. Then try and put the last few words you can remember on a piece of paper. Look at the words with as impartial attitude as you can manage - where do they seem to come from? Are they as loving, friendly or even truthful as you would want them to be if they came from your real self? (A little "test" that someone mentioned in a self-help Q&A and that stuck in my mind was to take your typical verbalized criticism of yourself and imagine you were talking to your best friend that way. Are you horrified? Is that kind of talk is absolutely out of the question? Than why are you treating yourself that way?) And more to the point of our earlier hypotheses: "who is talking down to you in those moments?"

For myself, epiphany struck when I finally realized I kept criticizing myself and treating myself exactly the way my abusive Narcissistic mother did, down to seething contempt of my real feelings, and persistent neglect of my physical and emotional needs - and this is decades after I have left my parental family's household. I unconsciously continued the same script to run, perpetuating the abuse and sense of profound sadness and despair that I felt growing up.

Horrifying as it was, this wasn't the main point that struck me in that discovery, although, of course, it was crucial. Even deeper point was "If the voice who is doing the abuse is against me, then WHO IS "ME?" Now, from an intellectual point of view this strange question may seem quite bizarre or even ridiculous, but if you go with the moment and try to imagine what I was going through, then perhaps you will see it - I clearly had completely relinquished a big part of myself, and so completely identified with the punishing voice in my head, taking its view of the world as a total, complete and unwavering reality, that I hadn't even been aware another part of myself existed! Talk about being deformed - I hadn't even been allowing any of my true needs or feelings to surface - so beaten down and unworthy I had been judging that part of myself to be! I was utterly shocked when it first came to me. Then I start feeling so much compassion for a little sweet child that had to go through years of emotional starvation, feeling unacknowledged and lost. No wonder I had been feeling hopelessly depressed and so awkward, ill-fitted for society and for life itself.

I had been wounded, betrayed, stifled in my growth and sacrificed on the altar of my Mother's immense ego, and worse of all I have been perpetuating the abuse by believing in what my mother told me, by still holding her standards and her ideas as basic rules of how to relate to myself and how to live my life. I had to at once acknowledge and apologize to that little trusting, vulnerable part of myself that endured so many years of maltreatment. And at that moment I felt like I had found something worth finding, something very important and real, something that held a key to a better existence.

This story can perhaps illustrate an idea I have been meaning to share: much of our suffering comes from a misidentification- a misalignment with the voice (internalized, perpetuated experience) of our abusive past that we take to be more valid and real than our neglected core self. As long as we are unaware that the other part of us is still suffering, starved for energy and care, we will continue to lash out at ourselves and others, driving hard in a never-ending strive for greater control, more ardent approval, bigger achievements and so on, wondering why does it feel like our life had lost its meaning long ago.

To begin a journey back, we need not add anything to ourselves - we have to take away,  we must tame that abusive voice within us in order to feel who we really are.

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers: my best wish for you is to find your own light

As daughters of Narcissistic mothers, we have been challenged to a fit that seems to be very hard to pull off: we must find the way to nurture ourselves, instead of looking for our mothers to assist us our growing, learning and gaining confidence. Whereas other babies and then kids have the luxury of their loving and caring parents "holding them up" to grow and develop to their best, we must do the difficult work of "growing up" internally, on our own.

As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us.  And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being  - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...

The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.

Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that  - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it  - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you)  has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.

And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.

Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you! 

Narcissistic Mother

Today's topic is particularly difficult for me to discuss, because it lies at the heart of my struggle with Narcissism. It is the topic of Narcissistic mothers, and their nothing short of devastating effects on her children's life. This topic is important to so many, that I decided to work on it even if it more personally disturbing than usual. I want to apologize in advance, since I am going to use my own experience to illustrate what it is like to be brought up by a Narcissistic mother, and some of the details can be  intense and unpleasant.

It has been said that being raised by a Narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. The negative effects of emotional abuse are so severe that a person often struggles with extremely low opinion of themselves, unsatisfying relationship and rocky, difficult romantic partnerships for their entire lives. Worst yet, realization that your mother did not really care or loved you at all is such a difficult one, that many people spend most of their energy trying to run away from that notion, blocking the very path that could bring some relief and begin the process of recovery.

I know from my own first-hand experience just how harmful being brought up by a Narcissistic mother can be. To make matters worse, ours was a one-parent household and my mother didn't bother to keep good relationship with most of her own family, and so we did not have a benefit of a presence of another, more level-headed and caring adult. Taxing and abusive as she was, our mother was all we had, and, being small kids, we loved her dearly, so we never could imagine that she was at fault. It is only after I have lived on another continent for many years, and had a chance to observe all the supportive, caring relationship other families had, that I began to realize just what was missing from my childhood experience.

Gradually I started to understand why it was so difficult for me to feel like I belong, have value and can contribute something positive to the world. For the longest time I have been treated as unfortunate nuisance, something to be barely tolerated, and constantly reminded of what great sacrifice it was having to raise me. Of course, all of that was done underhandedly, in a way that made sure the message came through loud and clear, yet others could not easily detect it.

     
It makes me furious even now to remember all the times my mother would completely destroy me emotionally in private, than come out smiling, good-humored, if a little patronizing toward me, and start telling all present about my latest achievements in school so that everyone would realize what an exceptional mother she was. Honestly, at the time I was so confused and so reliant on other people's opinions that I took everyone else's world for it and believed that I should be grateful for a mother like her. Only after years and years of working through severe depression, hurt and deep sense of inadequacy I started  to realize that I actually can not even remember experiencing anything other than a sense of shame, guilt, discomfort, and even some kind of repulsion toward my mother, along with an intense urge to move away from her physically. 

Never once I remember being lovingly looked at or embraced by my mother - not once in my entire childhood! Imagine my bewilderment, then when she acted completely betrayed and devastated when I took the first chance I had to moved out from her house at 16. Here was the same woman who made an awful scene almost everyday, crying and wailing about how ungrateful, useless and callous I am, how she should have had an abortion and never have bothered bringing me into this world, and how she would be better off dead, and perhaps she will still consider hanging herself and she wished an alcoholic mother on both of me and my brother so that we would learn to appreciate what she had to give and on and on. She routinely cursed and shamed me, calling me every disgusting word in the book without any proportion to a supposed "offence" I was guilty of - like not saying a "thank you" quick enough after a meal or something. When I was smaller 6 or 7, I rushed to her, cried with her and swore that I cared and I loved her and I would do anything she wanted just for her to stop crying, and made profuse apologies and amends for whatever set her off at the time.

Then, when I reached my teenage years, I started questioning what have I done to deserve such a severe response and even tell her that I do not remember asking her to bring me into this world, and therefore can not be held responsible, and that, come to think about it, I would rather her not given me birth at all than having to live this way. All of the surface bolstering and teenage rebelling aside, I nevertheless suffered terrible shame and guilt every time I saw my mother upset, as well as felt deeply inadequate because I couldn't help her and make her happy. While wisecracking on the surface, I was very disturbed and, of course, nowhere near discovering the true reason behind those scenes - a power trip, plain old desire to emotionally destroy and control. Only much later I started to realize that regardless of what she said and how hard she tried to portray herself as caring and self-sacrificing, my mother routinely made many decisions and acted in a way that betrayed her lack of concern for her kid's well-being. Though I was completely blind to that hurtful truth as a child, I now can clearly see it. Perhaps one of most telling of such decisions was her constant moving herself and her two small children to city after city, across the whole country, uprooting us from our schools, our friends, familiar environments time and time again just to have the last word in her numerous romantic relationships. My mother literally could not stand any length of time without being romantically involved with somebody, anybody - no matter how unsuitable to her life situation the person might be.

She has found herself in all kinds of trouble time and again, and the fact that she had two small children never stopped her from" "asserting herself" through fighting, ignoring or leaving her partner, which meant loosing our fathers for both me and my brother (we each had a different one), and it also meant less and less financial and physical security with every such episode. Even so, I have never questioned my mothers judgement while living through this. Ironically, is when I was once trying to re-establish our connection as an adult that she volunteered a reason for one particularly traumatic move, where I was robbed of any contact with my loving farther by virtue of us moving across the country, and where I forever lost any chance to go to a decent school and have a musical and performance art education for which I showed a lot of promise. 

At age of 7 I had a good school, a lot of caring teachers around me and contact with my estranged farther and his family. Suddenly we had moved to a some god-forsaken town where I spend next 8 years weeding plants and feeding animals (not that there is anything wrong with that), loosing any chance at a decent education and professional career. And, of course, I, in effect lost my farther once more, since I was not able to have any contact with him. I had always assumed there was a very good reason for us suddenly uprooting and moving like that. Imagine  my surprise, when in our adult conversation my mother confided that her then-lover got cold feet being involved with a woman older than him who had already had two kids of her own (that's my mother), and left for about a year to make up his mind, leaving her suddenly, without a chance to make her case and assuming she will be there when he gets back. Wrong move! To spite him and assert her independence, my mother yanked me and my brother out of school and from the place we knew, and moved from a big city to an agricultural heartland since that's where she could easily find a place to live.

And the kicker is, that I don't think my mother realized, not then, not now, not as she was telling me the story, that she has dramatically affected both of our worlds, and forever changed her kids life without giving it any consideration whatsoever. Just to prove a point!

Neither did she worry about her then lover's true feelings, which she demonstrated when the poor fellow showed at our new location just to find her married again, or her previous husbands for that matter, whom she also deemed "defective" and discarded with no second thought.

While we were too young to understand, subconsciously my mother must have realize something was amiss with her parenting style, and would have most definitely received those signals form other people, so she worked extra hard to keep our view on her and on life in general under very tight control. She had to make sure there is no way we would be able to realize that the mental and emotional abuse we were experiencing wasn't normal, that were other happy, healthy families around us. She kept talking to us about how so and so was inferior intellectually, or morally, how their joyful disposition was only a pretense  and how that parent was drinking, and another too pushy and so on. 
She continuously made fun of her sister's parenting skills, even though her sister was the only one trying to help her at the time. My mother was always quick to point out everyone else's weaknesses, which, she thought, made her look even more infallible  Of course, when she played with our impressionable children's minds we believed her - it is only natural for a little girl or a boy to look up to their mother. She was so successful with this "mind control" game that I did not even begin to realize what really has happened to me until I was well into my adulthood. And even then that was just the very beginning of the recovery.

This video recaps the same info that you have read in this post, but I thought I'd still share it so you can have an access to many kind and insightful comments it received, as well as other people's personal accounts of being raised by Narcissistic parents.

Learn more about the topic of Narcissistic mothers here

Thank you for visiting! I sincerely appreciate your time, attention, and comments! Stay well!

Learn more about the topic here