Beginning of recovery - my own experience.

I've been thinking about a question that most of my viewers/readers ask me : "How did your own recovery begin?" Prior to this moment I haven't been up to discussing that because it opens up another, even more personal layer of my life. However, my desire to find and share the truth has been my saving grace so far and so I am going to continue. I will describe exactly what happened to me and in doing so, hopefully, point to a way out of seemingly never-ending cycle of pain that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The biggest clue I have been able to find is the source of identity and the way it relates to their "true self." Now this must be very confusing for many people (I know it was for me) and dreadful as it is, I am going to tackle explaining this the best I can.

Many people identify with the predominant "voice" in their head  - the constant stream of thoughts, judgments, anticipations, worries and references to the past in an attempt to determine the future - as their main source of knowing who they are. Some go so far as to completely identify with that "voice" and treat it as the only source of credible information about themselves and the world. Everyone is familiar with that part of their existence, but there are people who completely equate themselves with the voice and do not let even the moment of quiet, direct experience of the world to come through unobstructed by their "analysis." In a case of Narcissist, there is a very definite reason for this guarded, inflexible, fear-based attitude, and in my view it lies at the very core of the disorder.

Now, lets examine where does this so-called "voice" come from? Omitting all of the professional jargon that does more to confuse than to explain :) I will venture out and say that it internalized rules, views and ideas of our parents and/or other significant caregivers as well as societal norms and ideas we have been raised to adsorb has much to do with the content of our inner "talk." It looks like we have first grown accustomed to and then "appropriated" the same ideas and underlying emotional tone of the people ans circumstances that had played a significant role during our childhoods. Think that is a little far-fetched? See if you catch yourself unawares when you are running a familiar "script" in your mind when you are reacting to a particular person or situation, or even to your own behavior. Then try and put the last few words you can remember on a piece of paper. Look at the words with as impartial attitude as you can manage - where do they seem to come from? Are they as loving, friendly or even truthful as you would want them to be if they came from your real self? (A little "test" that someone mentioned in a self-help Q&A and that stuck in my mind was to take your typical verbalized criticism of yourself and imagine you were talking to your best friend that way. Are you horrified? Is that kind of talk is absolutely out of the question? Than why are you treating yourself that way?) And more to the point of our earlier hypotheses: "who is talking down to you in those moments?"

For myself, epiphany struck when I finally realized I kept criticizing myself and treating myself exactly the way my abusive Narcissistic mother did, down to seething contempt of my real feelings, and persistent neglect of my physical and emotional needs - and this is decades after I have left my parental family's household. I unconsciously continued the same script to run, perpetuating the abuse and sense of profound sadness and despair that I felt growing up.

Horrifying as it was, this wasn't the main point that struck me in that discovery, although, of course, it was crucial. Even deeper point was "If the voice who is doing the abuse is against me, then WHO IS "ME?" Now, from an intellectual point of view this strange question may seem quite bizarre or even ridiculous, but if you go with the moment and try to imagine what I was going through, then perhaps you will see it - I clearly had completely relinquished a big part of myself, and so completely identified with the punishing voice in my head, taking its view of the world as a total, complete and unwavering reality, that I hadn't even been aware another part of myself existed! Talk about being deformed - I hadn't even been allowing any of my true needs or feelings to surface - so beaten down and unworthy I had been judging that part of myself to be! I was utterly shocked when it first came to me. Then I start feeling so much compassion for a little sweet child that had to go through years of emotional starvation, feeling unacknowledged and lost. No wonder I had been feeling hopelessly depressed and so awkward, ill-fitted for society and for life itself.

I had been wounded, betrayed, stifled in my growth and sacrificed on the altar of my Mother's immense ego, and worse of all I have been perpetuating the abuse by believing in what my mother told me, by still holding her standards and her ideas as basic rules of how to relate to myself and how to live my life. I had to at once acknowledge and apologize to that little trusting, vulnerable part of myself that endured so many years of maltreatment. And at that moment I felt like I had found something worth finding, something very important and real, something that held a key to a better existence.

This story can perhaps illustrate an idea I have been meaning to share: much of our suffering comes from a misidentification- a misalignment with the voice (internalized, perpetuated experience) of our abusive past that we take to be more valid and real than our neglected core self. As long as we are unaware that the other part of us is still suffering, starved for energy and care, we will continue to lash out at ourselves and others, driving hard in a never-ending strive for greater control, more ardent approval, bigger achievements and so on, wondering why does it feel like our life had lost its meaning long ago.

To begin a journey back, we need not add anything to ourselves - we have to take away,  we must tame that abusive voice within us in order to feel who we really are.

Narcissism - getting out of fantasy word...

It has been a while since I wrote any "personal experience" posts, and there is a reason for it  - some of these personal growth experiences are so hard not only to go through but also make sense of- your established mind patterns do not really want to give up so easily, and that almost always results in a kind of "mental block" or confusion and "fog" that some of my readers also describe. Good news - we are aware of it. Bad news - we have no idea how to make sense of things that just don't :)

The reason I am writing all this is that today I had kind of an interesting break through and, in a way, it has to do with getting around established mental patterns. As many of this kind  of experiences, this one happened in the morning, while I was still lounging somewhere in between dream world and "reality" but my mind was already starting to run its usual script. It had to do with what would happen if I had control and opportunity to affect the world in more direct way (if you ever looked at NPD diagnosis criteria,, then you know that preoccupation with fantasies of success, power etc. is one of those) and then something unexpected happened... Right in  the middle of the tirade about how I'd fix everything if only I, and not some bunch of idiots and thieves were in charge (heh) another line of thinking had come in and basically asserted  that I have no business wasting my morning  hours fantasizing about stuff that sure is not going to happened and that it was just a plot to divert my attention and avoid the messy task of paying attention to my real self and my real life and what really needed to be done. Immediately after realizing that "message" I felt a physical sensation of what could only be described as satisfaction deep inside my body, and I have to say that I, like many affected people, struggle mightily with ever feeling connected to my body, let alone experiencing it in such a profound way.  I guess I am trying to let you guys know that most people who "live in their head" and so associate with their "upper", cultivated persona that they downright shun and neglect the imperfect, human part of themselves - those people would do well to try and develop a better relationship with their body - the physical side of their being, which should help them to integrate their "upper" knowledge into something more "real" and workable.

Of course, theoretically I knew all about that diagnosis criteria for a long time, and I even spoke and though about and analyzed it quite a bit. But never before did I experience real integration of that knowledge to the point of self-reflecting like that. 
I am sure that other factors were involved as well, but I am particularly excited and hopeful about being able to relate to my real self, my body included, and being able to receive that "feedback" and therefore establish what is "real" and healthy, taking care of the confusion and disconnect so many affected people have to deal with and try to overcome.

Another look on therapy for Narcissism

While conducting research for my book, I came across this interesting work on the subject:

http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf

Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.

I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.

More on psychopathy and its relationship with Narcissism

Here is a quote from Hervey Milton Cleckley, M.D. famous book - The Mask of Sanity, that describes the difficulty psychopathic people experience with deriving meaning from their lives the way a normal people do. While psychopathy is a deeper and more troubling condition than Narcissism (though lines are blurry when we are talking about extreme cases of NPD.) I can not help but see some parallels when it comes to socially appropriate behavior:

"He (the psychopath - NPDrecovery note) cannot achieve true and abiding loyalty to any principle or any person.

He is not adequately moved and he does not find subjective stimuli to make the major issues of life matter sufficiently to promote consistent striving."

In other words, the difficulty lies with not being able to connect and produce emotional satisfaction (or distress) from upholding (or violating) one's values, since values and by extension, rules that protect those values are not given serious consideration in the first place.

What most people find hard to understand is, in effect, a very simple concept: psychopaths and, to some extend, Narcissist behave in a certain way because there is no "barrier" to hold them from violating particular principles. In fact, they do not see it as violating at all, since there are no such values/principles in their world... 

For us breaking someone's heart, betraying trust or taking advantage of a person's kindness is unthinkable, but for them it is just a matter of opportunity to fulfill their needs.

Once again, I see a big difference between psychopathy and NPD, but they are, in effect, within one spectrum (if on the different areas) of a disturbed mind and so one can perceive similarities even when equating the two would be too much of an assumption... 

Q&A: Why do Narcissists sabotage themselves?

Here is a request I received recently:

"(...) Can you explore this subject further in your writing/posts: Narcissists need/want admiration, but the big irony is that when they treat others badly, or fail to show authentic remorse or gratitude, they undermine the very admiration they seek. If they showed true remorse or gratitude, they would build trust and gain deep admiration, rather than pushing people away. When confronted, if instead of saying "I'm so terrible" in a sarcastic tone and feeling threatened by criticism, they instead used some objectivity, offered some sign of caring, of fairness, they would create a reciprocity, and get all they needed! It seems unfortunate that they don't learn this, and keep repeating the pattern. Once again, I really appreciate your work and willingness to put it out there."

Here is a short way to answer it, and I promise  to explore  this further in my book/future posts :

"(...) I guess the difficulty in understanding Narcissist's behavior comes from persistent myth (in my opinion) that Narcissist can make a rational choice in how to react and relate to people. It is called a disorder for a reason (and recent changes do not really cancel that as much as acknowledge overlap of certain conditions) Narcissists can no more control the way they really relate to people than a limping person can control the way they step. That is to say the real reaction to outside stimuli is deeply hardwired in their brain and is hardly a matter of a rational "picking" one view over another. 

Their actions is a whole another story. Many Narcissists, of course, can and do alter their behavior (for a while) to suit their ultimate purpose. However that type of 'surface" adjustment is seen as manipulative and misleading, and only serves to further harden the resentment toward them. But I assure you, this type of concealment of their true relations with people is all they can muster in even most honest attempt to behave in more acceptable way. 

It almost seems like you are proposing that kind of "cost-benefit" analysis when you wonder why they sabotage their own needs. Of course, should the Narcissist heed your advice, there would be many people ready to call them calculating monsters.

Truth is - at least the way I know it - that a Narcissist can not easily change their ways authentically - most of them are far from acknowledging that they even have an issue (in other words they are in complete denial in order to protect themselves from further trauma), let alone setting on a hard road toward finding a solution. The roots of the disorder are far deeper and more intertwined than most people realize. I am sorry I fail to provide you with an easy solution or answer, but I must remain honest, and I fear such a (simple) answer does not exist... (...)"

Upcoming eBook.

Thank you for visiting! Sadly, my video project, the results of which you can find on youtube NPDrecovery channel, has to come to a pause until I find an alternative way of producing similar videos. In a place of the videos, I am currently working on an eBook titled "The desert within - the inner workings of a Narcissist" Please let me know whether you would be interested in receiving the book once it is available. First 10 readers get it at no cost, though I would ask them for a brief (and completely authentic) review in exchange for a copy. Please let me know what you think of the idea and whether you have any questions or requests. Thank you!

Narcissist's biggest fear.

What is it that makes a Narcissist feel truly uncomfortable - what is their biggest fear?

If we were to guess, what would be the first few answers that were likely to appear in our mind? Let's see: first, Narcissist craves attention therefore he must fear being left alone and ignored. Alright, this seems fitting. Also, a Narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth, which means he hates being treated as a common, unremarkable person as much as he loathes being put down and humiliated. This observation seems fair as well. A Narcissist, in fact, can have very many fears - big and small, all branching out of their distorted view on themselves and reality around them, the "fantastic" view that gets challenged almost at every turn. Then what might we consider to be their biggest, their ultimate fear?

After much digging into my own mind, further researching the topic and considering those who are suspected (or diagnosed) Narcissists, I had to conclude that the fear of all fears for a Narcissist is the fear of losing control.

If you have dealt with a Narcissist in the past, this may at once confirm your experience and challenge it. We do know that a Narcissist loves being in control, craves it and indeed will go to great lengths to make sure he has as much of it as possible. But can that really be IT - the ultimate, the most important factor in his life? To illustrate why I really think so I must explain and expand the definition of the term. Of course, being in control often means having a position of power and influence over other people's feelings and behavior, and Narcissists are notorious for being very persistent in trying to gain and secure this type of control over their family and other people who are close to them. Indeed, the most egregious incidents are known to happen when the Narcissist is lead to believe he or she is losing their control of their partners.  

Setting that aside for a minute however, we can consider the broader definition of control - being in control of one's own emotions, behavior - one's life. As children, Narcissists are often made to feel powerless while simultaneously put in the position where they must prove their self-worth by performing better than an average person. This teaches them too lessons: lesson number one - your survival (because for a child approval and affection of their parent equals being able to survive) depends on how well you perform, not how you feel and only people who perform well are worthy of affection, and lesson number too - you are powerless unless you are not in full control of other people's feelings. Therefore, the power and search for control are placed externally, not internally, since controlling one's "audience's" emotions can keep one out trouble, while one's own feelings hardly matter at all.

So it is little wonder then, when a grown-up (in terms of physical form, at least) Narcissist places such great value on their ability to control other people's emotions and their actions toward the Narcissist. Because one's own feelings are rarely considered and explored, they become, by enlarge, an enigma to a Narcissists - and the further he moves away from his core, the scarier that enigma becomes. So when I say a Narcissist is most scared of losing control, I want to point out that this also means their fear of losing themselves in their own scary, uncontrollable emotions. They would much prefer to keep those locked away and would rather not open that "Pandora's box." Hence the fixation on keeping a steady stream of external stimuli, and ever more persistent attempts to control other people's view of them in hope of bringing some sense of balance in their world. 

However, there is another layer to his same fixation on control and being terrified of losing it. I would put it simply as a "fear of life". This may sound kind of absurd. But if we think about it, it is merely the extension of the same old fear of losing control. 

Every truly developed, well-functioning adult knows, and has learned to deal with the reality that life is messy, unpredictable and full of surprises - in summary - it is pretty much uncontrollable. Despite your best efforts, you never really know what is around the corner - people once madly in love get divorced, babies get born and loved ones die, and there are myriads of other things that we do not control but still have to learn how to deal with. I am convinced that the Narcissist is not truly capable of accepting this reality, and a lot of "mysterious" behavior that boggles their partner's mind can be explained by this simple fact. They are terrified of the truth - the outside world is not subject to any rational law, and therefore their life is never fully under their control. Observe anyone who you believe to be a Narcissist and I guarantee you that you will soon spot their inability to let go and let the life come to them as it will. 

Possibly due to their childhood experiences, they are convinced the the world is full of danger, ready to hurt them, nothing is as it seems and that they must be alert and up in arms at all times. They can not live with the fact that they will gain some advantages, relationship, things and lose the others, as well as accept the truth that they will lose their prime physical shape, age and die some day, just like everyone else. Their building the fantastic alter ego is just an attempt to shield themselves form unsettling reality - that they are rigid, inflexible structures that are not at ease with the ever-changing unpredictable life. All of the free-willing and smooth talking in the world can not hide away the relentless grip of control that is behind all that "charm". When they do not have anyone to control, the Narcissist are left with the cold truth: they do not know how to be at peace with themselves, their life and the fact that they do not know what is coming next. That is the most terrifying place of all.

I'd  would like to conclude with this: many people ask me how to "make" a Narcissist understand what they are going through, or how to make them feel a certain way. I am guessing there are some disgruntled victims who, at least for a time, would like to see the Narcissist suffer the consequences, than at least realize the magnitude of their (N's) issues. I say, if you want a Narcissist to finally fully face the enormity of their problem - do not try and "make" them feel a certain way - just leave them alone face to face with their own reality and they will be forced to confront the beast they have been trying so hard to escape. 

As for the people who suspect they may have Narcissistic traits, as hard as it may seem, allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up in the moment and just breathing, observing it and letting it happen, then noticing that your fear of that process is largely unfounded is the only way that I know of for reversing the construction of the "wall" that keeps you isolated and incensed to real life. Judging from my own experience, being brave enough to go down this road will give you new and uniquely satisfying way to feel at peace with yourself.

 

Thank you for reading and for your support! You are welcome to check out my NPDrecovery youtube channel and share this blog to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on our lives.