In Part 1 of this series we briefly discussed the nature of the disease that is depression, and its arguably the most-sited component: changes in brain structure as well as responses that are unique to depression.
Now it is time to unearth the second 'layer' to this complex condition: cognitive traits.
Before we focus on that topic in earnest, it is worth noting, once again, that all of the layers - biological, cognitive and emotional are interdependent, they affect, modify and, in case of depression it would seem more accurately, "feed" onto each other, producing more and more dire states as time goes on.
As severe altering of the brain biology can produce a drastically different states and attitudes in a person, affecting both cognitive and emotional functioning, so can prolonged state of extreme stress - whether emotional or mental - alter the biology, and indeed the very structure of the brain (as evident in case of hypothalamus and amygdala), bringing with it new level of intensity and the nature of the responses.
With that in mind, let us proceed to the cognitive part of the puzzle :)
Suppose, as in an example we were discussing earlier, one was abused as a child, which led to altering of one's brain functions and responses. How is this going to manifest in the cognitive process? If the "danger" response part of the brain is overactive - because it has been stimulated for so long it went in the overdrive - the person is going to tend to focus on anything that 'threatens' them and therefore, in their mind, jeopardizes their goal of survival.
They will inadvertently hone in on the people and situations that they deem unsafe, and will perceive every minuscule bit of data that an unaffected person would never make an effort to discern.
/In my opinion, herein lies the secret of Narcissist's and/or Psychopath's "supernatural" ability to recognize, almost intuit people's tiniest signals, their wishes and moods. It is common knowledge that a large chunk (if not a majority) of people who have NPD and/or anti-social disorder were severely abused as children, which in turn led to profound change in their emotional and cognitive processing of the outside input. Anyway, back to our example./
What do you suppose this type of hyper vigilance, an intense focus on the factors that the person deems crucial to their survival, will do to their overall ability to function and perform? There is the same 'law' to this as to accounting: If the inordinate amount of energy is spent on performing one task, this means that the energy can not be expedited elsewhere. Thus the person may appear 'spacey', unable to concentrate, loosing focus, forgetting things etc.
Given the limited 'view' from outside, people may wonder just what is going on, and even the person affected by this may not consciously realize the mechanism behind their reactions - they may have been living in such a state for so long that they perceive it as normal. In addition to having their energy tied-up in this unconscious state of hyper-alert, they themselves may feel like they have little control over their apparent lack of concentration.
What is such a person likely to think (or, more accurately, tell themselves?) "I can not believe this! - I am such an airhead. I can not f on the lesson, I get stuck where everyone gets it with ease. I must be stupid" Now, looking a little bit ahead - what emotional states such thoughts are likely to produce? How might that affect the person's behavior? And in turn, will those states and behaviors alleviate or exacerbate the problem?
When emotionally and mentally overwhelmed, many people will go into protective mode and shut out the part of themselves that seems to 'cause' pain (more accurately would be to say "the part of themselves that holds the energy of the traumatic situation, until said situation gets resolved.) In order to function in their everyday lives, they simply "package" the uncomfortable parts of themselves and pretend they can move on without really having to resolve anything. Such attitudes towards their experiences and emotions, though understandable (and very prevalent) still brings very poor results. Unresolved feelings sooner or later manifest themselves in the most troubling ways, and a habit of denying our own real feelings and experiences can lead us too far astray, sometimes in the realm of neurosys.
In case of depression, we know for a fact that as a part of coping strategy, the area of the brain responsible for processing memory and emotions literally shrinks in size. In addition, in many cases the brain cells get "conditioned" to respond disproportionately to negative stimuli, and "ignore", or have far less response to neutral and positive input. Sounds familiar? Depressed people are notorious for seeing the world in "black" - they only focus on negative and painful events to the exclusion of everything else.
What about the first part - how does reduction in size of that certain (crucial) area of the brain manifest itself? Well, first the person stops experiencing the normal fluctuation of the emotions every healthy person experiences from time to time. It gets to the point where no matter what positive or negative situations arise the affected individual simply does not experience a response at all - they get the same flat, "numb", sterilized feeling no matter what the circumstance. (this one was, and occasionally is, big for me personally).
Also, short term memory and ability to focus suffer as well. Now, this is likely to produce something like the following thoughts: "What is wrong with me? I used to be a completely different person. I can not even get any joy out of holding my grandchild (child, pet etc.) This is just not right - I am a disgrace to my family." as well as "I am always confusing/forgetting important details. I am going to get fired one of these days." Needless to say, this does only deepen the problem by making the person feel more inadequate and out of control. The more such thoughts and feelings run amok, the more one's self-esteem suffers, the more they try avoiding potentially embarrassing/ upsetting situations and so the vicious cycle is gaining momentum.
Repetitive negative, self-critical thoughts followed by feelings of deep shame and inadequacy (or numbness if the individual has gotten so overwhelmed they have opted-out of feeling altogether) are at the the heart of the disease. Worse yet, overtime they proceed to affect the brain and therefore hormonal processes further, making one sink deeper and deeper until there seems to be no way out.
It is not a pretty picture, huh? However, if we just approach it from purely antithetical point of view, what do we have? Some kind of a traumatic event (either physical or psychological, or both) altered the way one's brain is functioning, processing input. That, in turn, produced less-than-ideal perceptions and thought patterns, which then alter one's emotions. We know for a fact (it is scientifically proven) that each of the three factors - biological, cognitive and emotional, has the ability to affect the other too. If one is willing to change, where precisely do we start?
We all know what happens if we attempt to simply alter the first - biological (chemical) side of things. There are many ways to go about this, and the most common by far is to take the "missing" hormones and/or other necessary bio components in their synthetic form.
/Because I trust in your own ability to judge for yourself, I will not comment on this other than say that, in my opinion this is not an ultimate way of finding genuine and lasting relief from depression./
What else then? I do not suppose than one can do much about altering their emotional state when they are in the throws of a deep and dark depressive episode. For all of those "well-wishers" who recommend to "snap out of it" and, even more so, for those of us who are sick and tired of hearing that, I will say it again - depression is no joke. It is not some fleeting fancy one just able to wave away. There is a multi-dollar industry built on providing relief for the sufferers - and as much as I am not a fan of such solutions, it is BIG for a reason. That said, I will provide some practical steps that can be useful for natural altering of the emotional state in Part 3 of the series, and they work fabulously for me, but I will be the first one to recognize that they require an expenditure of willpower a deeply depressed person may simply be unable to muster at the moment.
/There is a little secret to jump-starting the process which I will be very glad to share with you in the future post on the emotional factor./
Supposing both of above passages are true, what are we left with? Ah, that's right! - the cognitive process - the way we consciously perceive and (key word!) verbalize said perceptions to ourselves. This we will discuss in detail in Part 3.
For now, we just want to clearly understand the three major components of the depressive state, and by that virtue open the door to the possibility of mastering it.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
Depression - three major components and why they CAN be transformed. Part 1.
Depression sucks - plain and simple. If you ever had the misfortune to be affected by the decease,
I did not have to tell you this (other than to validate your experience). Others - the ones who have never been through it, however, find it difficult to relate to a depressed person's experience, and some even go so far as to doubt that the real problem exists. "Pull yourself together" - they say - "Snap out of it!" As if the person suffering through the darkest moments of their live have simply failed to recognize the need to "snap out". Clearly, if they had what it took to get out of their miserable state, they would have done so without any reminders! You do not exactly tell a person with a broken leg to pull themselves together and start walking as everyone else does. With depression, however, as it is often the case with emotional and mental conditions, most observers simply fail to see the link.
Frustrating as it is, do not let them discourage you, or make you more feel more inadequate and likely to blame yourself. Depression is real, it requires some real work (utilizing some real science) to recover, but the best thing is - it is entirely withing your reach to start feeling better.
I am the living proof that one can overcome the darkest states without the help of pharmaceuticals, though the path by no means has been an easy one. Just to let you know that this was indeed serious,
I have been diagnosed with chronic and severe depression, and I have made a few attempts on my life early on. However, as the time went on, I learned how to overcome the worst periods, how to cope, how to function (though, sometimes, barely) and - best of all - how to slowly but surely get better over time.
Recently, my close friend had become extremely depressed, and since I have been through the state, I have clearly recognized the signals. In order to help him, I now had to clearly communicate what I have learned, as well as do more research in order to give weight (scientific back-up) to the ideas.
That got me thinking: there are a lot of folks in the similar situation all around the world. Since I am already streamlining and organizing what I have learned both through experience and research, why not share it? Though it will undoubtedly take many posts to cover the the subject, here is the first basic summary anyone who is troubled by depression should get familiar with.
It is easier to think of depression, if you underline the labyrinth of symptoms, states, effects and manifestations that it can produce with one simple structure (kind of like creating a map for a complicated natural landscape.) Here are three main areas where depressive states, once triggered, become a sort of sinister feedback loop that, if unchecked, soon transforms in a vicious cycle sucking you deeper and deeper into private hell known as depression.
So here is the first, and the most scientifically discussed factor:
1. Brain (and hormonal) composition.
Here is a fun fact: there is a certain area of the brain, called hypothalamus (which, among other things, deals with emotion and memory) that is shown to be SHRUNK up to 25% when depression is experienced. (The good new is, it is also possible to regain the normal size, if a person have successfully recovered and stayed healthy for a prolonged period of time.) So there are actual organic changes your brain that take place when you are under immense stress that prolonged depression brings. (not to be confused with the stress that actually can initiate first bouts of depression, which we will talk about later in the third component/factor.) There are also profound changes in how the nerve/brain cells transmit and process different signals/information, that, though may be of a cognitive nature (second component) at first, may overtime "materialize" themselves in the actual brain processing changes.
Before we go any further, let me introduce (or remind you of) a concept called neuroplasticity. It is both fascinating and encouraging, at least for people who have bought into science's earlier notion that mental disorders such as depression where 'hard wired' into 'faulty' brain structure, and there was nothing we could do about it, other than pop pills and bear the side effects.
Long story short neuroplasticity simply means ability, as well as tendency of our brain to change in response to input and/or environment.
Say you were abused as a kid. Every day was a chaotic, deeply terrifying ordeal. If that kind of extreme stress went on for years, it is only logical to expect that the amazing survival-oriented 'device' that is our body will find the way to adopt, take in the input that it is receiving and make changes accordingly: it will likely alter the way we respond to extreme stress and an onslaught of hormonal, and therefore emotional storms it produces, and that in turn will alter how we express ourselves, as well as how we handle our thoughts, perceptions and memories.
If we were simply to leave the individual in shell-shocked state, even when changing the environment to a safe one, we can not expect them to automatically fully recover, because the damage the extreme situation produced have altered the chemistry - indeed, the very structure of the brain, and reversing the changes will require highly focused and persistent work.
Another interesting fact is that our brain cells can attune themselves to 'highlight' and give priority to specific kind of responses. This makes complete sense as well. A soldier in combat quickly learns how to focus their attention on things that represent a threat, since their survival depends on it. In the same way, a kid that was physically abused will focus and heighten their sensitivity to particular "vibe", situations or facial expressions that can be a precursor of further abuse (though it is important to understand that creating intimidating and/or chaotic atmosphere qualifies as an emotional/mental abuse in its own right.) Growing up, without sufficient competent help the individual will likely focus on singling out similar expressions and signals from other people, and will dedicate a disproportional amount of their energy on dealing with the perceived threat and response to such signals, compared to a person who had a happy, self-affirming childhood.
In a case of depression, it is often the case that people give priority to negative input, focusing exclusively on the information that is likely to deepen their despair and/or confirm that there is indeed little to no hope for them. As for emotional response, that has been likely considerably muted, for the purpose of stopping the negative emotion's overload, and the chemical/hormonal mayhem it unleashes on the body.
The takeaway: there were likely perfectly rational, survival-oriented reasons for particular wiring of your brain in the past. Even if you do not think they were particularly traumatic experiences, your body likely had a pretty solid (from its perspective) reason to respond in a way that it did. Now that we had (hopefully) made it out of the particular environment that had called for such changes, given the awareness we gained, we are free to set up new cognitive/emotional patterns that will let us reach and remain in the state of wellness.
In the next couple of posts we will discuss:
I did not have to tell you this (other than to validate your experience). Others - the ones who have never been through it, however, find it difficult to relate to a depressed person's experience, and some even go so far as to doubt that the real problem exists. "Pull yourself together" - they say - "Snap out of it!" As if the person suffering through the darkest moments of their live have simply failed to recognize the need to "snap out". Clearly, if they had what it took to get out of their miserable state, they would have done so without any reminders! You do not exactly tell a person with a broken leg to pull themselves together and start walking as everyone else does. With depression, however, as it is often the case with emotional and mental conditions, most observers simply fail to see the link.
Frustrating as it is, do not let them discourage you, or make you more feel more inadequate and likely to blame yourself. Depression is real, it requires some real work (utilizing some real science) to recover, but the best thing is - it is entirely withing your reach to start feeling better.
I am the living proof that one can overcome the darkest states without the help of pharmaceuticals, though the path by no means has been an easy one. Just to let you know that this was indeed serious,
I have been diagnosed with chronic and severe depression, and I have made a few attempts on my life early on. However, as the time went on, I learned how to overcome the worst periods, how to cope, how to function (though, sometimes, barely) and - best of all - how to slowly but surely get better over time.
Recently, my close friend had become extremely depressed, and since I have been through the state, I have clearly recognized the signals. In order to help him, I now had to clearly communicate what I have learned, as well as do more research in order to give weight (scientific back-up) to the ideas.
That got me thinking: there are a lot of folks in the similar situation all around the world. Since I am already streamlining and organizing what I have learned both through experience and research, why not share it? Though it will undoubtedly take many posts to cover the the subject, here is the first basic summary anyone who is troubled by depression should get familiar with.
It is easier to think of depression, if you underline the labyrinth of symptoms, states, effects and manifestations that it can produce with one simple structure (kind of like creating a map for a complicated natural landscape.) Here are three main areas where depressive states, once triggered, become a sort of sinister feedback loop that, if unchecked, soon transforms in a vicious cycle sucking you deeper and deeper into private hell known as depression.
So here is the first, and the most scientifically discussed factor:
1. Brain (and hormonal) composition.
Here is a fun fact: there is a certain area of the brain, called hypothalamus (which, among other things, deals with emotion and memory) that is shown to be SHRUNK up to 25% when depression is experienced. (The good new is, it is also possible to regain the normal size, if a person have successfully recovered and stayed healthy for a prolonged period of time.) So there are actual organic changes your brain that take place when you are under immense stress that prolonged depression brings. (not to be confused with the stress that actually can initiate first bouts of depression, which we will talk about later in the third component/factor.) There are also profound changes in how the nerve/brain cells transmit and process different signals/information, that, though may be of a cognitive nature (second component) at first, may overtime "materialize" themselves in the actual brain processing changes.
Before we go any further, let me introduce (or remind you of) a concept called neuroplasticity. It is both fascinating and encouraging, at least for people who have bought into science's earlier notion that mental disorders such as depression where 'hard wired' into 'faulty' brain structure, and there was nothing we could do about it, other than pop pills and bear the side effects.
Long story short neuroplasticity simply means ability, as well as tendency of our brain to change in response to input and/or environment.
Say you were abused as a kid. Every day was a chaotic, deeply terrifying ordeal. If that kind of extreme stress went on for years, it is only logical to expect that the amazing survival-oriented 'device' that is our body will find the way to adopt, take in the input that it is receiving and make changes accordingly: it will likely alter the way we respond to extreme stress and an onslaught of hormonal, and therefore emotional storms it produces, and that in turn will alter how we express ourselves, as well as how we handle our thoughts, perceptions and memories.
If we were simply to leave the individual in shell-shocked state, even when changing the environment to a safe one, we can not expect them to automatically fully recover, because the damage the extreme situation produced have altered the chemistry - indeed, the very structure of the brain, and reversing the changes will require highly focused and persistent work.
Another interesting fact is that our brain cells can attune themselves to 'highlight' and give priority to specific kind of responses. This makes complete sense as well. A soldier in combat quickly learns how to focus their attention on things that represent a threat, since their survival depends on it. In the same way, a kid that was physically abused will focus and heighten their sensitivity to particular "vibe", situations or facial expressions that can be a precursor of further abuse (though it is important to understand that creating intimidating and/or chaotic atmosphere qualifies as an emotional/mental abuse in its own right.) Growing up, without sufficient competent help the individual will likely focus on singling out similar expressions and signals from other people, and will dedicate a disproportional amount of their energy on dealing with the perceived threat and response to such signals, compared to a person who had a happy, self-affirming childhood.
In a case of depression, it is often the case that people give priority to negative input, focusing exclusively on the information that is likely to deepen their despair and/or confirm that there is indeed little to no hope for them. As for emotional response, that has been likely considerably muted, for the purpose of stopping the negative emotion's overload, and the chemical/hormonal mayhem it unleashes on the body.
The takeaway: there were likely perfectly rational, survival-oriented reasons for particular wiring of your brain in the past. Even if you do not think they were particularly traumatic experiences, your body likely had a pretty solid (from its perspective) reason to respond in a way that it did. Now that we had (hopefully) made it out of the particular environment that had called for such changes, given the awareness we gained, we are free to set up new cognitive/emotional patterns that will let us reach and remain in the state of wellness.
In the next couple of posts we will discuss:
1 Cognitive component and 2 Emotional states that pose a challenge in depression, as well as how to bring both of those back to balance.
Thank you for reading and please know that it is possible to make it back to healthy, balanced life.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Here is a link to a free course that could be of great help to those stuck in dysfunctional relationships.
(If you can not open it, try http://www.innerbonding.com/IBWeb/downloads/free_courses/Free_Course.pdf )
I do hope all of us let more peace into our lives...
(If you can not open it, try http://www.innerbonding.com/IBWeb/downloads/free_courses/Free_Course.pdf )
I do hope all of us let more peace into our lives...
Monday, January 27, 2014
Trust and Narcissistic personality.
Just a little note before I start on the main topic: through the research I am doing for my book I found that in reality Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial disorder have the same key core components, but the outwardly expressions of the states those components create differ in quality and in a degree of strength.
For example, after going through a lot of studies, clinical data, scientific articles, journal entries of individuals with a confirmed diagnoses and also taking into account my own personal experience, I can conclude that the basis for Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial personality disorder is an overwhelming, out-of-control sense of FEAR, or better TERROR which we also can define as the absence of trust. While Borderline individual will cope with this by begging and clinging and doing everything possible to avoid a sense of separation from an individual who they count as significant (while at the same time exposing that individual to such strong bouts of rage that can only be perceived as hate by the unfortunate recipient), Narcissistic personality will cope by erecting the wall of false persona to hide behind and sometimes by emotionally manipulating and seeking excessive signs of approval in order to feel more affirmed and protected, and Antisocial personality will deal with the overwhelming sense of horror by completely disassociating from the whole spectre of emotions, by presuming everyone in the whole world is psychologically organized the same way they are therefore expecting the worse, and sometimes by ignoring or even seeking out obviously dangerous situations as in equal measure a stimuli and a relief, as they will never compare to the inner world of silent horror the individual is forced to occupy.
This, of course, brings us to the main topic of this entry. Keeping in mind the request of my brave readers who suspect they bear many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and would like to remedy the situation as best they can to share my thought on what particular steps could be taken, I am happy to share that I do indeed have another concrete piece of advice (btw, I also put it on my personal agenda, and if there will be anything useful to say I will share my experience in the later entries.)
So the advice is quite simple (but only in form of a phrase, not as an action :) ): consciously train yourself to trust more. If you notice, I did put in a few particulars: I didn't simply say "trust more" or even "learn to trust more" as it would imply a simplistic, as well as a somewhat too finite quality of the process. As I said before, as an action it is not as easy as simply hearing and intellectually processing the advice. Somewhere deep inside of you there is an imprint of a certain state and/or situation or perhaps (and more likely) a whole succession of situations and connected to them emotional states, that convinced you that the world and/or the people inside the world are inherently unsafe and can not be trusted. You lived with this internal "setting" for some time, and in some cases it served you really well, so there is a very slim chance that your unconscious (or even conscious :) ) side will agree to part with that deep inner perception easily.
Here is the dreaded (yet almost unavoidable) cliche: training yourself how to trust is a process. You are almost definitely going to experience bewilderment and a feeling that you do not even know that you do not know (typical for almost any kind of real learning), then frustration at the pace of the progress, and the fact that most people have no idea what you are going through (not all that new for people with NPD) and then also setbacks, wanting to forget it and give in and just hold on to what is familiar and also that (personally dreaded by me) sense of not having clear, sensible reason for going through all that mess, as we never even experienced the feeling and states of greater integration and true intimacy that supposedly should serve as a stimuli, an end goal and a "prize."
And no one but you will ever know what exact choices you should make to ever reach that goal, as you could only see the pointers from withing, yet, of course, some of us are not accustomed to feeling what is going on inside of us so well, and so we are bound to make a few wrong turns (if not go in circles) more than a few times.
Well, I do not blame you if all of this does not sound too appealing. :)
I, personally, decided to give it a go. Here I will share some of what I concluded, though I do want to say that I suspect this type of work varies a lot from person to person and I would sincerely encourage you to look within and decided how YOU going to go about it and what goals and priorities you as an individual will bring to this process.
So, for myself I think it is worth it to start by acknowledging that part of me that withstanded all the immense trauma I had to go through and still is protecting me in a way that is somewhat effective. I admire its loyalty, its will to endure and its honesty in a face of hostile circumstances.
Then I recognize that despite my still feeling like that wounded little child inside my outer circumstances have changed dramatically and that there is no reason for me to keep feeling like that right now.
Then I personally start working on my view of the whole world, not the specific person or situation that perhaps generated that reaction in the first place. In my opinion, when we go through a seriously traumatizing situation, our inner perception of the whole world as a (formerly) secure and friendly place changes - we feel betrayed not only (and perhaps not as much) by person as by our entire means of existence, our greater environment. For me personally it seems like it is the most significant, and perhaps the most difficult bond to repair.
So I started with my inner relationship with the world as a whole, and perhaps more importantly with the force, the main idea and the deepest meaning (for the lack of a better, more dynamic expression) of this existence and my life within it. I am not sure whether I am making myself clear, and perhaps I will edit this (out?) later, but those experiences are beyond words and so are often difficult to put in the inflexible frames of verbal expression.
All I can offer at the moment that I concluded that nature of our human existence is in unison with any other form of nature that we see: it is to grow and to strive and often in a very unkind if not downright brutal circumstance that we are challenged to survive or to yield to someone whose will to survive is stronger. In Eastern philosophical and spiritual traditions God is often depicted as someone who created the entire Universe to, in effect, entertain him- or herself, or, perhaps, to experience himself (or herself) in a capacity that is more controversial and polarized than his (her) usual all-encompassing, almighty and homogeneous state. :) It is a very cute theory, no? I always liked it and often came back to it in my mind. So it is if she (or he) just made a puzzle out of her (his) own existence.
What I am trying to say is that perhaps we should presume that a state where we are missing something is actually a norm within the circumstance we live in, and then a strive through a (sometimes overwhelming) difficulty is still an innate process and that by this means we are learning, growing and experiencing our ever-changing qualities. And though we do not always see meaning of this through our Ego-limited view, in a greater, infinitely more fluent, powerful scheme of things, a part of which we still embody, the strives and the challenges we are going through make a lot of sense.
All of this elaborate thought-structure was created to get around the fact that defenseless little creatures like children or kind, trusting people are often brutalized and traumatized in this strange world we all live in. If we were to learn to trust it, we must make a conscious choice to trust it despite the obvious inconvenience we have experienced before. And the more consciousness, good will and willingness to give up our little-minded Ego views we bring to the proces, the better the chances of us thriving. Of course, for some this whole assertion will not make any sense, and I have been there and thus perfectly understand them. However, this is what I personally "unearthed" when I decided to dig up my mistrust, my hurts and insecurities, and I could honestly say this brought the whole new quality to my perception of this world.
P.S. There will be a continuation of this topic. Please forgive me if this post reads a little uneven. I am going through a very painful situation and today I decided to write despite feeling more than a little upset :) (that is because if I was waiting until I feel fine I may never write a post :) ) Anyway, I will have more to share on this and a similar topic and so I am looking forward to seeing you soon!
Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!
For example, after going through a lot of studies, clinical data, scientific articles, journal entries of individuals with a confirmed diagnoses and also taking into account my own personal experience, I can conclude that the basis for Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial personality disorder is an overwhelming, out-of-control sense of FEAR, or better TERROR which we also can define as the absence of trust. While Borderline individual will cope with this by begging and clinging and doing everything possible to avoid a sense of separation from an individual who they count as significant (while at the same time exposing that individual to such strong bouts of rage that can only be perceived as hate by the unfortunate recipient), Narcissistic personality will cope by erecting the wall of false persona to hide behind and sometimes by emotionally manipulating and seeking excessive signs of approval in order to feel more affirmed and protected, and Antisocial personality will deal with the overwhelming sense of horror by completely disassociating from the whole spectre of emotions, by presuming everyone in the whole world is psychologically organized the same way they are therefore expecting the worse, and sometimes by ignoring or even seeking out obviously dangerous situations as in equal measure a stimuli and a relief, as they will never compare to the inner world of silent horror the individual is forced to occupy.
This, of course, brings us to the main topic of this entry. Keeping in mind the request of my brave readers who suspect they bear many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and would like to remedy the situation as best they can to share my thought on what particular steps could be taken, I am happy to share that I do indeed have another concrete piece of advice (btw, I also put it on my personal agenda, and if there will be anything useful to say I will share my experience in the later entries.)
So the advice is quite simple (but only in form of a phrase, not as an action :) ): consciously train yourself to trust more. If you notice, I did put in a few particulars: I didn't simply say "trust more" or even "learn to trust more" as it would imply a simplistic, as well as a somewhat too finite quality of the process. As I said before, as an action it is not as easy as simply hearing and intellectually processing the advice. Somewhere deep inside of you there is an imprint of a certain state and/or situation or perhaps (and more likely) a whole succession of situations and connected to them emotional states, that convinced you that the world and/or the people inside the world are inherently unsafe and can not be trusted. You lived with this internal "setting" for some time, and in some cases it served you really well, so there is a very slim chance that your unconscious (or even conscious :) ) side will agree to part with that deep inner perception easily.
Here is the dreaded (yet almost unavoidable) cliche: training yourself how to trust is a process. You are almost definitely going to experience bewilderment and a feeling that you do not even know that you do not know (typical for almost any kind of real learning), then frustration at the pace of the progress, and the fact that most people have no idea what you are going through (not all that new for people with NPD) and then also setbacks, wanting to forget it and give in and just hold on to what is familiar and also that (personally dreaded by me) sense of not having clear, sensible reason for going through all that mess, as we never even experienced the feeling and states of greater integration and true intimacy that supposedly should serve as a stimuli, an end goal and a "prize."
And no one but you will ever know what exact choices you should make to ever reach that goal, as you could only see the pointers from withing, yet, of course, some of us are not accustomed to feeling what is going on inside of us so well, and so we are bound to make a few wrong turns (if not go in circles) more than a few times.
Well, I do not blame you if all of this does not sound too appealing. :)
I, personally, decided to give it a go. Here I will share some of what I concluded, though I do want to say that I suspect this type of work varies a lot from person to person and I would sincerely encourage you to look within and decided how YOU going to go about it and what goals and priorities you as an individual will bring to this process.
So, for myself I think it is worth it to start by acknowledging that part of me that withstanded all the immense trauma I had to go through and still is protecting me in a way that is somewhat effective. I admire its loyalty, its will to endure and its honesty in a face of hostile circumstances.
Then I recognize that despite my still feeling like that wounded little child inside my outer circumstances have changed dramatically and that there is no reason for me to keep feeling like that right now.
Then I personally start working on my view of the whole world, not the specific person or situation that perhaps generated that reaction in the first place. In my opinion, when we go through a seriously traumatizing situation, our inner perception of the whole world as a (formerly) secure and friendly place changes - we feel betrayed not only (and perhaps not as much) by person as by our entire means of existence, our greater environment. For me personally it seems like it is the most significant, and perhaps the most difficult bond to repair.
So I started with my inner relationship with the world as a whole, and perhaps more importantly with the force, the main idea and the deepest meaning (for the lack of a better, more dynamic expression) of this existence and my life within it. I am not sure whether I am making myself clear, and perhaps I will edit this (out?) later, but those experiences are beyond words and so are often difficult to put in the inflexible frames of verbal expression.
All I can offer at the moment that I concluded that nature of our human existence is in unison with any other form of nature that we see: it is to grow and to strive and often in a very unkind if not downright brutal circumstance that we are challenged to survive or to yield to someone whose will to survive is stronger. In Eastern philosophical and spiritual traditions God is often depicted as someone who created the entire Universe to, in effect, entertain him- or herself, or, perhaps, to experience himself (or herself) in a capacity that is more controversial and polarized than his (her) usual all-encompassing, almighty and homogeneous state. :) It is a very cute theory, no? I always liked it and often came back to it in my mind. So it is if she (or he) just made a puzzle out of her (his) own existence.
What I am trying to say is that perhaps we should presume that a state where we are missing something is actually a norm within the circumstance we live in, and then a strive through a (sometimes overwhelming) difficulty is still an innate process and that by this means we are learning, growing and experiencing our ever-changing qualities. And though we do not always see meaning of this through our Ego-limited view, in a greater, infinitely more fluent, powerful scheme of things, a part of which we still embody, the strives and the challenges we are going through make a lot of sense.
All of this elaborate thought-structure was created to get around the fact that defenseless little creatures like children or kind, trusting people are often brutalized and traumatized in this strange world we all live in. If we were to learn to trust it, we must make a conscious choice to trust it despite the obvious inconvenience we have experienced before. And the more consciousness, good will and willingness to give up our little-minded Ego views we bring to the proces, the better the chances of us thriving. Of course, for some this whole assertion will not make any sense, and I have been there and thus perfectly understand them. However, this is what I personally "unearthed" when I decided to dig up my mistrust, my hurts and insecurities, and I could honestly say this brought the whole new quality to my perception of this world.
P.S. There will be a continuation of this topic. Please forgive me if this post reads a little uneven. I am going through a very painful situation and today I decided to write despite feeling more than a little upset :) (that is because if I was waiting until I feel fine I may never write a post :) ) Anyway, I will have more to share on this and a similar topic and so I am looking forward to seeing you soon!
Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Healthy vs. wounded part of self
Recently I was fortunate to work with a wise and sharp-minded therapist.
Among other things, she has drawn my attention to this quality of a human mind/personality:
practically all of us had an experience when we felt perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our actions, and felt strong and competent. The context for this assertion was that most people coming to therapy expect to work on their childhood experiences, wounds and the deep-held believes that were, for the most part, results of those wounds. I, too, came to therapy with that notion, and in all honesty I still believe that a lot of our present problems do depend on our experiences as children. This therapist, however, did not share this believe and in fact she told me that she downright denies her clients' frequent requests to work with their childhood wounds.
And this is the part that picked my interest: she stated that in her view every human being has what she called a 'healthy personality' and also a 'wounded personality', and all of us at one point or another used one of those as a platform for our actions, or, as she put it 'leaned' on it.
Now, I see no need to 'split' out internal world on two separate personalities :) and I would say instead that we all have separate 'sets' of certain states, beliefs, emotional, mental and behavioral patterns that we had accumulated at different stages of our lives, and that sometimes one of those 'sets' gets activated at the 'expense' of the other.
For example: you have agreed to meet your friend, came to a place of a meeting and have waited for her for a long time. She is obviously late and haven't called. You have a couple of different ways to react:
You may get frustrated and angry, feel disrespected by her lack of communication and storm out of that place, promising yourself to ignore any of her future attempts to connect.
Or perhaps you would feel worried, or sad and alone; or may be you would just assume she had her reasons for behaving that way and wait until you have more information to react.
Of course it is not hard to notice that one of these possibilities sounds a lot healthier and more balanced than others. Human beings can react in variety of ways. My therapist asserted that all of us choose healthy behaviors at times. The trick, she said, is to 'lean' on the healthy part as much as you can and put less attention on the wounded part. I liked that idea for its optimism, though, as I said, I personally still believe in the necessity of working with our childhood hurts.
A few days later I had an opportunity to test my therapist's idea in action. A friend of mine who I came to rely on had suddenly proved less trustworthy a few times on the row. The 'offenses' were relatively minor, but I, with my tendency to blow everything that has to do with my persona :) out of proportion, was cycling in my usual "she has betrayed me therefore she must be cut off from my life" mental rut, and then I suddenly 'heard' another part of me say: "Well, she trusted you enough to invite you to her house and let you sleep in her place, and she cared enough to be there when you were sick and lonely, so clearly she loves you and cares about you and deserves your trust and good will as well."
May be it is the usual thing for most people, but let me tell you, nothing of the sort has EVER happened in my mind. Nearly all of my interactions are organized around immediate benefits that I can get out of people, and I manage my connections very tightly exactly from the perspective of the most precise and beneficial gain. It is awful, but this is honestly how my mind operates and my life goes... The time that I do not spend persuading, managing and/or manipulating someone directly, I spend pretending that I care and showing off my good thoughts and deeds in hopes of giving the people enough reasons to give what I need in return. :/
Getting back to the main thought: I guess the idea that there is another, healthier part of my mind, of which I simply haven't made much use, had somehow stayed with me and later got 'highlighted' in such an unusual way. :) I am very pleased with the result and so I share it with you guys on hopes it can be of help.
I was able to honestly more deeply relate to my friend that night, be genuinely grateful, connect and forgive her meager slip ups.
If I didn't have that little 'breakthrough' I would probably have to talk myself into not cutting off yet another connection because I still might need that person's help in the future or simply going with my darker feelings and ignoring her... :/
Yes, this is how sad and barren NPD-affected individual's interpersonal relationships really are... BUT there is hope, and I invite everyone who is looking for solution and reading this right now to try and imagine, or better yet, connect with a healthier part of their Self. Perhaps it would help to remember times when you felt more real and connected to yourself and others as a result of a different choice of pattern in thought and/or behavior.
From my experience I can tell you that being in your 'healthy' state feels like you are in touch with your body, energized, stronger, more connected to the present moment and your surroundings.
The physical sensation is unmistakable in a sense that you know you are right where you supposed to be.
I hope this can point you to the place where you too can find an authentic and empowering connection with yourself and others.
Among other things, she has drawn my attention to this quality of a human mind/personality:
practically all of us had an experience when we felt perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our actions, and felt strong and competent. The context for this assertion was that most people coming to therapy expect to work on their childhood experiences, wounds and the deep-held believes that were, for the most part, results of those wounds. I, too, came to therapy with that notion, and in all honesty I still believe that a lot of our present problems do depend on our experiences as children. This therapist, however, did not share this believe and in fact she told me that she downright denies her clients' frequent requests to work with their childhood wounds.
And this is the part that picked my interest: she stated that in her view every human being has what she called a 'healthy personality' and also a 'wounded personality', and all of us at one point or another used one of those as a platform for our actions, or, as she put it 'leaned' on it.
Now, I see no need to 'split' out internal world on two separate personalities :) and I would say instead that we all have separate 'sets' of certain states, beliefs, emotional, mental and behavioral patterns that we had accumulated at different stages of our lives, and that sometimes one of those 'sets' gets activated at the 'expense' of the other.
For example: you have agreed to meet your friend, came to a place of a meeting and have waited for her for a long time. She is obviously late and haven't called. You have a couple of different ways to react:
You may get frustrated and angry, feel disrespected by her lack of communication and storm out of that place, promising yourself to ignore any of her future attempts to connect.
Or perhaps you would feel worried, or sad and alone; or may be you would just assume she had her reasons for behaving that way and wait until you have more information to react.
Of course it is not hard to notice that one of these possibilities sounds a lot healthier and more balanced than others. Human beings can react in variety of ways. My therapist asserted that all of us choose healthy behaviors at times. The trick, she said, is to 'lean' on the healthy part as much as you can and put less attention on the wounded part. I liked that idea for its optimism, though, as I said, I personally still believe in the necessity of working with our childhood hurts.
A few days later I had an opportunity to test my therapist's idea in action. A friend of mine who I came to rely on had suddenly proved less trustworthy a few times on the row. The 'offenses' were relatively minor, but I, with my tendency to blow everything that has to do with my persona :) out of proportion, was cycling in my usual "she has betrayed me therefore she must be cut off from my life" mental rut, and then I suddenly 'heard' another part of me say: "Well, she trusted you enough to invite you to her house and let you sleep in her place, and she cared enough to be there when you were sick and lonely, so clearly she loves you and cares about you and deserves your trust and good will as well."
May be it is the usual thing for most people, but let me tell you, nothing of the sort has EVER happened in my mind. Nearly all of my interactions are organized around immediate benefits that I can get out of people, and I manage my connections very tightly exactly from the perspective of the most precise and beneficial gain. It is awful, but this is honestly how my mind operates and my life goes... The time that I do not spend persuading, managing and/or manipulating someone directly, I spend pretending that I care and showing off my good thoughts and deeds in hopes of giving the people enough reasons to give what I need in return. :/
Getting back to the main thought: I guess the idea that there is another, healthier part of my mind, of which I simply haven't made much use, had somehow stayed with me and later got 'highlighted' in such an unusual way. :) I am very pleased with the result and so I share it with you guys on hopes it can be of help.
I was able to honestly more deeply relate to my friend that night, be genuinely grateful, connect and forgive her meager slip ups.
If I didn't have that little 'breakthrough' I would probably have to talk myself into not cutting off yet another connection because I still might need that person's help in the future or simply going with my darker feelings and ignoring her... :/
Yes, this is how sad and barren NPD-affected individual's interpersonal relationships really are... BUT there is hope, and I invite everyone who is looking for solution and reading this right now to try and imagine, or better yet, connect with a healthier part of their Self. Perhaps it would help to remember times when you felt more real and connected to yourself and others as a result of a different choice of pattern in thought and/or behavior.
From my experience I can tell you that being in your 'healthy' state feels like you are in touch with your body, energized, stronger, more connected to the present moment and your surroundings.
The physical sensation is unmistakable in a sense that you know you are right where you supposed to be.
I hope this can point you to the place where you too can find an authentic and empowering connection with yourself and others.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
One new (somewhat unexpected) skill to learn while getting over Narcissistic Personality DIsorder
I was going over some material related to NPD and found one interesting thought (I am hesitant to quote because this particular excerpt is in Russian, and it is rather long and academical which makes it difficult to translate...) Anyway - the main idea is that a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder possesses a false sense of their own importance and entitlement, as well as a tendency to mistrust and (here is the interesting part) therefore finds it difficult to ask for what they need directly. I am assuming that is because they feel like people around them should realize what is it that they need and put that agenda front and center. In addition to that, some of their deeper emotional needs, are intimidating, as they make an NPD sufferer feel extremely vulnerable and confused. It's a, small wonder than that a Narcissist avoids discussing their needs directly, hoping and fantasising about a special time and persons who would be able to figure it all out.
Of course, in real life such "ideal" state of things is hardly possible, yet Narcissists find it extremely challenging, even humiliating to come out and say out loud what is it that they are requesting. NPD-affected people routinely resort to manipulation, lies, all sorts of tricks in order to bring about fulfilment of their supposed needs and goals without having to ask and therefore expose themselves (and their fragile pseudo-egos) to the risk of being denied (read humiliated.)
I found this view both fresh and helpful. It certainly rings true for me. I immediately concluded that I should challenge myself more to talk about my needs and feelings in the open and therefore expose myself to a natural outcome, rather than trying to plan, scheme and control my way into a guaranteed result regardless of the needs and wishes of the other person.
On my channel's discussion boards and in private messages, I often get questions from people who recognise certain Narcissistic traits in themselves. The most common one is - how can I deal with it and make it less hard on myself and others? I feel like this is a rare chance for me to give a clear "prescription" - do challenge yourself to express more of your real needs, feelings and thoughts even if that means to expose yourself to less-than-desirable (immediate) outcomes. Because in the long run you clear out your own inner "backed up" mental and emotional debris - the ones prevent you from healthy relating to your own self and that of others.
Of course, in real life such "ideal" state of things is hardly possible, yet Narcissists find it extremely challenging, even humiliating to come out and say out loud what is it that they are requesting. NPD-affected people routinely resort to manipulation, lies, all sorts of tricks in order to bring about fulfilment of their supposed needs and goals without having to ask and therefore expose themselves (and their fragile pseudo-egos) to the risk of being denied (read humiliated.)
I found this view both fresh and helpful. It certainly rings true for me. I immediately concluded that I should challenge myself more to talk about my needs and feelings in the open and therefore expose myself to a natural outcome, rather than trying to plan, scheme and control my way into a guaranteed result regardless of the needs and wishes of the other person.
On my channel's discussion boards and in private messages, I often get questions from people who recognise certain Narcissistic traits in themselves. The most common one is - how can I deal with it and make it less hard on myself and others? I feel like this is a rare chance for me to give a clear "prescription" - do challenge yourself to express more of your real needs, feelings and thoughts even if that means to expose yourself to less-than-desirable (immediate) outcomes. Because in the long run you clear out your own inner "backed up" mental and emotional debris - the ones prevent you from healthy relating to your own self and that of others.
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