Beginning of recovery - my own experience.

I've been thinking about a question that most of my viewers/readers ask me : "How did your own recovery begin?" Prior to this moment I haven't been up to discussing that because it opens up another, even more personal layer of my life. However, my desire to find and share the truth has been my saving grace so far and so I am going to continue. I will describe exactly what happened to me and in doing so, hopefully, point to a way out of seemingly never-ending cycle of pain that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The biggest clue I have been able to find is the source of identity and the way it relates to their "true self." Now this must be very confusing for many people (I know it was for me) and dreadful as it is, I am going to tackle explaining this the best I can.

Many people identify with the predominant "voice" in their head  - the constant stream of thoughts, judgments, anticipations, worries and references to the past in an attempt to determine the future - as their main source of knowing who they are. Some go so far as to completely identify with that "voice" and treat it as the only source of credible information about themselves and the world. Everyone is familiar with that part of their existence, but there are people who completely equate themselves with the voice and do not let even the moment of quiet, direct experience of the world to come through unobstructed by their "analysis." In a case of Narcissist, there is a very definite reason for this guarded, inflexible, fear-based attitude, and in my view it lies at the very core of the disorder.

Now, lets examine where does this so-called "voice" come from? Omitting all of the professional jargon that does more to confuse than to explain :) I will venture out and say that it internalized rules, views and ideas of our parents and/or other significant caregivers as well as societal norms and ideas we have been raised to adsorb has much to do with the content of our inner "talk." It looks like we have first grown accustomed to and then "appropriated" the same ideas and underlying emotional tone of the people ans circumstances that had played a significant role during our childhoods. Think that is a little far-fetched? See if you catch yourself unawares when you are running a familiar "script" in your mind when you are reacting to a particular person or situation, or even to your own behavior. Then try and put the last few words you can remember on a piece of paper. Look at the words with as impartial attitude as you can manage - where do they seem to come from? Are they as loving, friendly or even truthful as you would want them to be if they came from your real self? (A little "test" that someone mentioned in a self-help Q&A and that stuck in my mind was to take your typical verbalized criticism of yourself and imagine you were talking to your best friend that way. Are you horrified? Is that kind of talk is absolutely out of the question? Than why are you treating yourself that way?) And more to the point of our earlier hypotheses: "who is talking down to you in those moments?"

For myself, epiphany struck when I finally realized I kept criticizing myself and treating myself exactly the way my abusive Narcissistic mother did, down to seething contempt of my real feelings, and persistent neglect of my physical and emotional needs - and this is decades after I have left my parental family's household. I unconsciously continued the same script to run, perpetuating the abuse and sense of profound sadness and despair that I felt growing up.

Horrifying as it was, this wasn't the main point that struck me in that discovery, although, of course, it was crucial. Even deeper point was "If the voice who is doing the abuse is against me, then WHO IS "ME?" Now, from an intellectual point of view this strange question may seem quite bizarre or even ridiculous, but if you go with the moment and try to imagine what I was going through, then perhaps you will see it - I clearly had completely relinquished a big part of myself, and so completely identified with the punishing voice in my head, taking its view of the world as a total, complete and unwavering reality, that I hadn't even been aware another part of myself existed! Talk about being deformed - I hadn't even been allowing any of my true needs or feelings to surface - so beaten down and unworthy I had been judging that part of myself to be! I was utterly shocked when it first came to me. Then I start feeling so much compassion for a little sweet child that had to go through years of emotional starvation, feeling unacknowledged and lost. No wonder I had been feeling hopelessly depressed and so awkward, ill-fitted for society and for life itself.

I had been wounded, betrayed, stifled in my growth and sacrificed on the altar of my Mother's immense ego, and worse of all I have been perpetuating the abuse by believing in what my mother told me, by still holding her standards and her ideas as basic rules of how to relate to myself and how to live my life. I had to at once acknowledge and apologize to that little trusting, vulnerable part of myself that endured so many years of maltreatment. And at that moment I felt like I had found something worth finding, something very important and real, something that held a key to a better existence.

This story can perhaps illustrate an idea I have been meaning to share: much of our suffering comes from a misidentification- a misalignment with the voice (internalized, perpetuated experience) of our abusive past that we take to be more valid and real than our neglected core self. As long as we are unaware that the other part of us is still suffering, starved for energy and care, we will continue to lash out at ourselves and others, driving hard in a never-ending strive for greater control, more ardent approval, bigger achievements and so on, wondering why does it feel like our life had lost its meaning long ago.

To begin a journey back, we need not add anything to ourselves - we have to take away,  we must tame that abusive voice within us in order to feel who we really are.

Upcoming eBook.

Thank you for visiting! Sadly, my video project, the results of which you can find on youtube NPDrecovery channel, has to come to a pause until I find an alternative way of producing similar videos. In a place of the videos, I am currently working on an eBook titled "The desert within - the inner workings of a Narcissist" Please let me know whether you would be interested in receiving the book once it is available. First 10 readers get it at no cost, though I would ask them for a brief (and completely authentic) review in exchange for a copy. Please let me know what you think of the idea and whether you have any questions or requests. Thank you!

Translation from "Narcissist speak" + a few words on upcoming ebook

Delusion Dispeller, another youtube voice on the subject of Narcissism, had a couple of videos made where she attempted to explain what a Narcissist really thinks when they say something (you can search for her on youtube to find out more) That gave me a pause and made me think what is it that I routinely say (or, rather, what I used to say when I was a lot less conscious of my emotions and motivations) and what those message would really mean if I could translate them from "Narcissist speak." I looked back at the time when emotional manipulation and blackmail were a big part of my act, and these are main "offenders" I came up with: 

When a Narcissist says:  "You are..." - insert offensive term, they really  mean:  "My Ego is threatened by your demeanor and/or behavior and so I jump into "attack" mode in order distract myself from painful realizations about my true place in the world, as well as re-direct my anger at an external source, namely - you."

When he or she says: "I can no longer trust you", they really mean "I feel like I am loosing control over you and can not easily manipulate you into doing what I want, and so I feel powerless, resent and looking to punish you through making you feel less privy to my confidence. Now give me assurances and make me feel like I am on top again" Needless to say - do not take the bait and try to explain yourself to win their trust over again - simply take the statement as a given and move on. Watch them try to conceal their displeasure or confusion, then just keep on keeping on.

When a Narcissist says: "I love you" that may mean many things, for example they are looking to flatter you in order to fool you into doing what they want, or they need some time to think their next step over, but even assuming that they themselves half-believe what they say, they really just mean: 
"I feel good around you and I want more of that feeling."

When a Narcissist says: "I am going to destroy you", which could be a surprisingly quick leap from the previous statement, they are really saying "I feel like the only way to support my disintegrating ego is to  try and humiliate, intimidate and control you. I will do what I can to diminish you so I can recover from the wound I feel you caused me." 

Finally, if the Narcissist says: "Please don't leave me" that means "I am too desperate for attention right now, but I resent how helpless that makes me feel, so I will make you pay for that humiliation as soon as I feel better"

These are the most significant phrases that came to mind when I was pondering that question the original video posed for me.  If you have any more habitual phrases from Narcissist's  repertoire, or some that you are curious about, please feel free to share it! As always, I am looking forward to hearing from you guys. 

Here is the corresponding video for this post that goes over the same material we have discussed here:

Thank you again for your interest and support! Best wishes and I hope to see you again soon!