Q&A: Why do Narcissists sabotage themselves?

Here is a request I received recently:

"(...) Can you explore this subject further in your writing/posts: Narcissists need/want admiration, but the big irony is that when they treat others badly, or fail to show authentic remorse or gratitude, they undermine the very admiration they seek. If they showed true remorse or gratitude, they would build trust and gain deep admiration, rather than pushing people away. When confronted, if instead of saying "I'm so terrible" in a sarcastic tone and feeling threatened by criticism, they instead used some objectivity, offered some sign of caring, of fairness, they would create a reciprocity, and get all they needed! It seems unfortunate that they don't learn this, and keep repeating the pattern. Once again, I really appreciate your work and willingness to put it out there."

Here is a short way to answer it, and I promise  to explore  this further in my book/future posts :

"(...) I guess the difficulty in understanding Narcissist's behavior comes from persistent myth (in my opinion) that Narcissist can make a rational choice in how to react and relate to people. It is called a disorder for a reason (and recent changes do not really cancel that as much as acknowledge overlap of certain conditions) Narcissists can no more control the way they really relate to people than a limping person can control the way they step. That is to say the real reaction to outside stimuli is deeply hardwired in their brain and is hardly a matter of a rational "picking" one view over another. 

Their actions is a whole another story. Many Narcissists, of course, can and do alter their behavior (for a while) to suit their ultimate purpose. However that type of 'surface" adjustment is seen as manipulative and misleading, and only serves to further harden the resentment toward them. But I assure you, this type of concealment of their true relations with people is all they can muster in even most honest attempt to behave in more acceptable way. 

It almost seems like you are proposing that kind of "cost-benefit" analysis when you wonder why they sabotage their own needs. Of course, should the Narcissist heed your advice, there would be many people ready to call them calculating monsters.

Truth is - at least the way I know it - that a Narcissist can not easily change their ways authentically - most of them are far from acknowledging that they even have an issue (in other words they are in complete denial in order to protect themselves from further trauma), let alone setting on a hard road toward finding a solution. The roots of the disorder are far deeper and more intertwined than most people realize. I am sorry I fail to provide you with an easy solution or answer, but I must remain honest, and I fear such a (simple) answer does not exist... (...)"

Upcoming eBook.

Thank you for visiting! Sadly, my video project, the results of which you can find on youtube NPDrecovery channel, has to come to a pause until I find an alternative way of producing similar videos. In a place of the videos, I am currently working on an eBook titled "The desert within - the inner workings of a Narcissist" Please let me know whether you would be interested in receiving the book once it is available. First 10 readers get it at no cost, though I would ask them for a brief (and completely authentic) review in exchange for a copy. Please let me know what you think of the idea and whether you have any questions or requests. Thank you!

Narcissist's biggest fear.

What is it that makes a Narcissist feel truly uncomfortable - what is their biggest fear?

If we were to guess, what would be the first few answers that were likely to appear in our mind? Let's see: first, Narcissist craves attention therefore he must fear being left alone and ignored. Alright, this seems fitting. Also, a Narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth, which means he hates being treated as a common, unremarkable person as much as he loathes being put down and humiliated. This observation seems fair as well. A Narcissist, in fact, can have very many fears - big and small, all branching out of their distorted view on themselves and reality around them, the "fantastic" view that gets challenged almost at every turn. Then what might we consider to be their biggest, their ultimate fear?

After much digging into my own mind, further researching the topic and considering those who are suspected (or diagnosed) Narcissists, I had to conclude that the fear of all fears for a Narcissist is the fear of losing control.

If you have dealt with a Narcissist in the past, this may at once confirm your experience and challenge it. We do know that a Narcissist loves being in control, craves it and indeed will go to great lengths to make sure he has as much of it as possible. But can that really be IT - the ultimate, the most important factor in his life? To illustrate why I really think so I must explain and expand the definition of the term. Of course, being in control often means having a position of power and influence over other people's feelings and behavior, and Narcissists are notorious for being very persistent in trying to gain and secure this type of control over their family and other people who are close to them. Indeed, the most egregious incidents are known to happen when the Narcissist is lead to believe he or she is losing their control of their partners.  

Setting that aside for a minute however, we can consider the broader definition of control - being in control of one's own emotions, behavior - one's life. As children, Narcissists are often made to feel powerless while simultaneously put in the position where they must prove their self-worth by performing better than an average person. This teaches them too lessons: lesson number one - your survival (because for a child approval and affection of their parent equals being able to survive) depends on how well you perform, not how you feel and only people who perform well are worthy of affection, and lesson number too - you are powerless unless you are not in full control of other people's feelings. Therefore, the power and search for control are placed externally, not internally, since controlling one's "audience's" emotions can keep one out trouble, while one's own feelings hardly matter at all.

So it is little wonder then, when a grown-up (in terms of physical form, at least) Narcissist places such great value on their ability to control other people's emotions and their actions toward the Narcissist. Because one's own feelings are rarely considered and explored, they become, by enlarge, an enigma to a Narcissists - and the further he moves away from his core, the scarier that enigma becomes. So when I say a Narcissist is most scared of losing control, I want to point out that this also means their fear of losing themselves in their own scary, uncontrollable emotions. They would much prefer to keep those locked away and would rather not open that "Pandora's box." Hence the fixation on keeping a steady stream of external stimuli, and ever more persistent attempts to control other people's view of them in hope of bringing some sense of balance in their world. 

However, there is another layer to his same fixation on control and being terrified of losing it. I would put it simply as a "fear of life". This may sound kind of absurd. But if we think about it, it is merely the extension of the same old fear of losing control. 

Every truly developed, well-functioning adult knows, and has learned to deal with the reality that life is messy, unpredictable and full of surprises - in summary - it is pretty much uncontrollable. Despite your best efforts, you never really know what is around the corner - people once madly in love get divorced, babies get born and loved ones die, and there are myriads of other things that we do not control but still have to learn how to deal with. I am convinced that the Narcissist is not truly capable of accepting this reality, and a lot of "mysterious" behavior that boggles their partner's mind can be explained by this simple fact. They are terrified of the truth - the outside world is not subject to any rational law, and therefore their life is never fully under their control. Observe anyone who you believe to be a Narcissist and I guarantee you that you will soon spot their inability to let go and let the life come to them as it will. 

Possibly due to their childhood experiences, they are convinced the the world is full of danger, ready to hurt them, nothing is as it seems and that they must be alert and up in arms at all times. They can not live with the fact that they will gain some advantages, relationship, things and lose the others, as well as accept the truth that they will lose their prime physical shape, age and die some day, just like everyone else. Their building the fantastic alter ego is just an attempt to shield themselves form unsettling reality - that they are rigid, inflexible structures that are not at ease with the ever-changing unpredictable life. All of the free-willing and smooth talking in the world can not hide away the relentless grip of control that is behind all that "charm". When they do not have anyone to control, the Narcissist are left with the cold truth: they do not know how to be at peace with themselves, their life and the fact that they do not know what is coming next. That is the most terrifying place of all.

I'd  would like to conclude with this: many people ask me how to "make" a Narcissist understand what they are going through, or how to make them feel a certain way. I am guessing there are some disgruntled victims who, at least for a time, would like to see the Narcissist suffer the consequences, than at least realize the magnitude of their (N's) issues. I say, if you want a Narcissist to finally fully face the enormity of their problem - do not try and "make" them feel a certain way - just leave them alone face to face with their own reality and they will be forced to confront the beast they have been trying so hard to escape. 

As for the people who suspect they may have Narcissistic traits, as hard as it may seem, allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up in the moment and just breathing, observing it and letting it happen, then noticing that your fear of that process is largely unfounded is the only way that I know of for reversing the construction of the "wall" that keeps you isolated and incensed to real life. Judging from my own experience, being brave enough to go down this road will give you new and uniquely satisfying way to feel at peace with yourself.

 

Thank you for reading and for your support! You are welcome to check out my NPDrecovery youtube channel and share this blog to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on our lives.

Translation from "Narcissist speak" + a few words on upcoming ebook

Delusion Dispeller, another youtube voice on the subject of Narcissism, had a couple of videos made where she attempted to explain what a Narcissist really thinks when they say something (you can search for her on youtube to find out more) That gave me a pause and made me think what is it that I routinely say (or, rather, what I used to say when I was a lot less conscious of my emotions and motivations) and what those message would really mean if I could translate them from "Narcissist speak." I looked back at the time when emotional manipulation and blackmail were a big part of my act, and these are main "offenders" I came up with: 

When a Narcissist says:  "You are..." - insert offensive term, they really  mean:  "My Ego is threatened by your demeanor and/or behavior and so I jump into "attack" mode in order distract myself from painful realizations about my true place in the world, as well as re-direct my anger at an external source, namely - you."

When he or she says: "I can no longer trust you", they really mean "I feel like I am loosing control over you and can not easily manipulate you into doing what I want, and so I feel powerless, resent and looking to punish you through making you feel less privy to my confidence. Now give me assurances and make me feel like I am on top again" Needless to say - do not take the bait and try to explain yourself to win their trust over again - simply take the statement as a given and move on. Watch them try to conceal their displeasure or confusion, then just keep on keeping on.

When a Narcissist says: "I love you" that may mean many things, for example they are looking to flatter you in order to fool you into doing what they want, or they need some time to think their next step over, but even assuming that they themselves half-believe what they say, they really just mean: 
"I feel good around you and I want more of that feeling."

When a Narcissist says: "I am going to destroy you", which could be a surprisingly quick leap from the previous statement, they are really saying "I feel like the only way to support my disintegrating ego is to  try and humiliate, intimidate and control you. I will do what I can to diminish you so I can recover from the wound I feel you caused me." 

Finally, if the Narcissist says: "Please don't leave me" that means "I am too desperate for attention right now, but I resent how helpless that makes me feel, so I will make you pay for that humiliation as soon as I feel better"

These are the most significant phrases that came to mind when I was pondering that question the original video posed for me.  If you have any more habitual phrases from Narcissist's  repertoire, or some that you are curious about, please feel free to share it! As always, I am looking forward to hearing from you guys. 

Here is the corresponding video for this post that goes over the same material we have discussed here:

Thank you again for your interest and support! Best wishes and I hope to see you again soon!

Q&A: Breaking the "Narcissistic" pattern.

Here is a message I have recently received (after requesting and receiving permission to publicize our conversation, I am provided a lightly edited version here)

"Thank you for posting your videos. They are cogent and insightful and make a very difficult subject much easier to understand. I imagine lots and lots of people out there owe you a debt of gratitude for helping them.

I found your videos because I began to question my own behaviors and patterns in life and recognized that I might be a narcissist with NPD.

A lot of your videos are emphatic with the struggles of people with NPD. I was wondering if you could direct me to some resources for moving forward and overcoming these disordered behaviors. I have lost good people from my life because of my behaviors and feel wracked with guilt when I think of how I must have hurt them, so I think I genuinely want to change. Do you have any advice you can offer?
(...)."

First off, I would like to thank the author of this letter for his kind and encouraging words - I always feel great when I receive positive feedback from people, as it makes me re-focus on the main thing I aim to achieve with my work : to help people discover new ways to get in touch with the power of com[passion and insight within them.

Here is the answer I sent to this person:

"Hi, Neil! :) Thank you for writing! Recently I realized that the best way I know to really "ease" the behaviors that wound our own and many other people's lives is to try and gain some perspective on the WHOLE situation by stepping away from the "drama" of being a person the way our society defines it  - when you are identified with your "role" of a friend, father, husband etc. 

The best way I found to go ahead and submerge in the totality of the human experience  beyond the roles we play is to dis-identify with those through meditation or any other spiritual practice that lets you feel the unity with the entire existence, not just your own body and mind.

If you are OK with it, you can start by sitting down for a few brief moments and paying "non-verbal" attention to some object or process outside your midstream. Many advise to pay attention to your breath, but really anything would do as long as you aim to *perceive* it rather than analyze it and categorize it and criticize it :) in your mind. If you just see it for what it is then you achieved the needed state (no need to strain though, of course, you understand - just "ease" into it) So then gradually you can expand your awareness (with no actual thinking) to feel a different kind of depth and connection to everything, and then your previous patterns of behavior will transcend as well.  

I find this a lot more effective, as well as (and may be because it is) more gentle and considerate to yourself - as oppose to trying to "will" your mind and ego into doing something other than what it wants to do and therefore assuring more resistance :) Please do ask more questions if you like or better yet simply look up more info on meditation/expanded awareness and self perception, since there are many great people who have already discussed that at length.(...) Thank you for being responsible for your behavior and looking to address it - we are all better off because of people like you! Take good care and best wishes to you! <3"

I am happy to say, Neil later wrote to let me know that he found the advice helpful and it is bringing him greater peace, which, in turn, made me feel again that this whole thing is completely if I could help one human being feel better.

Thank you all for reading -  BEST WISHES to you too!

For "victims" on narcissist who chose to hang on to their relationship.

This post is in honor of all of my bighearted, giving, ever-supportive readers who through all the psychological pain, abuse and heartache still are choosing to stand by their abusers and desperately looking  for a solution on how to "awaken" and change Narcissism- affected loved-one. Tonight I was thinking of many questions and personal notes I receive from these people, and I felt inspired to make a post just for them. In honor and hopefully, as a little comfort and help to them and, of course, also as a way to say thank you for being so extraordinary inspiring in your commitment to love, loyalty and compassion.

As almost all of such people who write to me quickly confirm, the most important question in their mind is how can they help their loved one see the light and what they - their partners can do to aid that change. Here is where I risk to disappoint you as my answer won't be exactly along the lines that you would probably expect and prefer, but since you already know my intention in my posting this, I hope that you trust me to have your and your loved one best interest in mind. Of course that goes without saying that I can only offer you my opinion, but I still hope some of you will find value in it. Well, without further ado I think the best way you can possibly help yourself and your loved one in such a difficult situation is... stop trying so hard to help them. 

Yes. I know it sounds a little unexpected, but there is still a good reason for my saying it. In fact, I am pretty sure I alluded to the same solution in my other video/post, but I still feel like there is a need to highlight it. So, I am basically saying that your best chance in achieving some peace of mind and seeing actual progress in your loved one is to emotionally disengage. 
Well, perhaps not fully, but still to a significant degree. I will explain... As I said in other videos, long term partners of Narcissist are likely to exhibit codependent tendencies, that is to say to have a deep sense of investment in the way your partner feels, acts and, basically, in the way they choose to live their life. 

Of course, I understand that it is difficult not to care about how they feel and therefore behave when you are living under the same roof and often share children together. Please be assured - that is fully appreciated by me. However, what I am trying to say is that the partners of Narcissist have sense of responsibility and, by extension, a sense of control over how Narcissist acts and sees the world. Of course, you can not feel responsible for something you can not control, and therefore if you do have a sense of responsibility and are looking for different ways to influence your partner further, than, certainly you do believe you can indeed control their moods and their actions. Furthermore, this assumptions of yours is not entirely without ground. The Narcissist themselves probably worked quite diligently at instilling this idea in your mind. It is typical of abusers to claim that their victims "made them" do a certain thing or react a certain way. Even more bizarre is that they are probably not consciously lying that is to say they truly do believe and experience events in a way that makes them think it is YOUR actions that produce certain moods and behaviors in them and they themselves do not have control over how they feel at that moment. What to make of it then? 

The key here is the very nature of the disorder is inability to produce and regulate stable perception of self and therefore consistent value of self-worth, one's place in the world and the relationship to the world. 
This is precisely what drives the Narcissist crazy - the maddening inability to pull off something that everyone else on the planet takes per granted: basic feeling of security and stable feelings, and knowledge about themselves and the broader world.

So where then does your overwhelming desire to "help out" comes in? By your very kindhearted insistence on taking care of your loved one feelings and deficiencies you are not only highlight and reinforce the fact that they must depend on you for such functions, you are also perpetuating their own lack of such competence. You see how that is important, right? So it is one-two punch here - you are at once displaying your distrust in Narcissist ability to handle their own issues which probably leads to fits of rage since they resent that very dependency the most, but then you also insist on handling their issues for them so than they do not have any motive to change int he first place. 

Think about it: if you give a baby a thing they were trying to reach for every time that happens, how is the baby to learn how to do that for themselves? Or if you insist on carrying a small child around just so they do not have to run and fall, then it is not exactly a service to them  - and neither to yourself - is it? Of course, that is a rather exaggerated example, but there are distinct similarities. Now, believe me, I fully realize that you feel like you are acting out of love and concern (and sometimes your need for self-preservation), though if you are really honest, perhaps you would admit that there is some fear, mistrust and as a result desire for greater control in the mix. What I am trying to say is the only hope for a person as a Narcissist to ever learn how to handle themselves better is if the people around them will remove the "safety net" of artificially propping them out from outside, while ideally also displaying very trusting, loving (from afar), and supportive attitude towards their struggle. Just like you would with a baby that is trying to learn how to walk.

Do not imagine that your ever-forgiving or even submissive attitude will somehow resolve the Narcissist problem.  It may bring about much needed truce, but the emotional slew of their deeply held self-hate and mistrust is sure to erupt sooner or later.

You are neither responsible for nor equipped to handle this situation - I really urge you to try and feel that through. All the love and support in the world can not cure a person who doesn't trust their SELF, does not accept their SELF, runs away from their SELF. It is, indeed, between them and their inner SELF. What you can do is provide a safe and non-judgmental background for their inner "battle" to play out until they finally notice they have beating up on their own deepest sense of what is real and what is true. Also you can model for them a better way to relate to your true SELF and therefore practice your own self-acceptance and love. 

Just like children learn about life through watching what their parents do and how they feel much more than by listening to their "lectures", the Narcissist - being not much more themselves than a lost, stunted child, will only have a chance by watching people around them treating themselves better. Think about it: by insisting that your own peace of mind and happiness depends on how the Narcissist feels and behaves, you are reinforcing the same pattern you are desperately trying to avoid - clearly by meeting their needs through your feeding them with your attention and concern, they will have neither an intensive nor a clear blueprint for change. Many of them grew up in dysfunctional households where both partners were locked in that proverbial dance, and believed that they must depend on each other's emotional "moves" in order to be happy. 

I encourage you to try a different approach. Instead of focusing on your partner's apparent shortcomings, try and nurture your own strength and power to a point that you are no longer interested in feeding that same-old dynamic. There will come a point when you see yourself AND your partner through the new set of eyes, and who knows, that might just be enough of a push for them to try something new as well. So here we have our singular set of paradoxes: you can help someone by withdrawing your usual "help" and then you can help yourself by trusting them enough to be their own rescuer and their own hero.  Which, sure enough, was what they wanted to be all along... 

In many ways Narcissism, as well as codependency is no more than a set of agreements that allows one to believe they do not have the power to  achieve what they want and so they concluded they require someone else in order to fulfill their needs. In fact - as we saw just now - the opposite is true:each of us have what we need to be a perfectly secure and happy human being, and once there, we are so much better equipped to be a real partner to some one else. Of course, it is not that easy to apply this rule to our everyday relationship, and if it was, the whole world would be different then. However, one can try and try we must, especially when turning away from this truth has landed us in places where seemingly no one would want to be stuck in for too long. 
I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this. Not many people would like to face up and see that solution lies within them - it seems easier and more comfortable to see what is not right with our counter party. However, the clue lies within us, and once we come to truly appreciate it - there is no turning back. A new, brighter world awaits and even the past trouble seem like a good thing once you know where they have been really leading. Well, my most sincere wish for you is that you reach that place. For my part, I will wish you well and trust that you have what it takes to get there. If you wish, check the corresponding video description on my channel (below) and see the song the lyrics of which I would like to share with you guys to help you think it through and forgive me this naive gesture if you are not into that style of music. I truly thank and love you guys! All the best to you!

Calculating, manipulative Narcissist

Today's topic is important, because it points to the very core of the issue most people find offensive when dealing with the Narcissist - their calculating, manipulative ways often make their close friends and family members feel used as if they were some disposable mechanical objects, not living human beings with their own feelings, goals and loyalties.

 Let me share with you what I know about calculating, manipulative tendencies of the Narcissist first hand- from my own experience. 

I now clearly realize that I engage in constant calculation and "profit and loss" kind of analysis virtually every time I am thinking about any relationship. Because I never experienced any other way of relating to people, this realization was not that easy - it simply has never occurred to me that other people could have a different way of perceiving matters. 

I tried to understand where this pattern of thinking could have originated, and concluded that it was "instilled" in me very early own, long before I could access it righteousness or even usefulness in my life. Let me explain. My mother, being a Narcissist herself, has trained both me and my brother to literally anticipate her every whim and every move. If we did what was "right"in her book, we were rewarded with praise and, however shallow and fleeting, approval from her. But if we got it wrong we were in REAL trouble - she would punish us with seemingly endless rage-filled fits, complete with shaming, threats and insults that were totally disproportionate to the supposed offense. I know to many of you this behavior sounds familiar, and you, no doubt, can appreciate what it does to even a grown person, let alone really young kids. So then you realize the incentives were pretty strong to get it right. 

To help us "learn" what we were supposed to do, we were continuously subjected to lengthy explanations about how a certain behavior, or a feeling we displayed affected our mother and how we should behave instead, in order to make her feel better. And that type of "training" did not stop with just herself either - she also coached us on how to behave around other people on order to get the best outcome (mainly for herself, of course) and she often gave us a very detailed account of how a certain person thinks and behaves, and what personal traits do they have that can be leveraged in order to achieve a certain result.

This is where an important point, in regards to today's discussion, really lies. I have no doubt that many Narcissist learned very early on (probably well before this type of knowledge should be naturally acquired) how their behavior affects and determines actions of other people, while simultaneously being discouraged from producing authentic actions based on their real state of mind. Such excessive "molding" of their mind, while traumatizing them, also taught them a valuable lesson - one can always get their objectives met if he or she knows just what buttons to push when a certain person, group of people or a situation is concerned. In our household, your ability, your intellect and indeed even your value was mainly judged on how well you understood that point and how well you could "work it" in real life. Provided, we were very poor and disadvantaged in many ways, I can see how this type of thinking in could have aroused from necessity, but I also can't help but remember my mother was quite pleased and proud of the fact she had such skill of dealing with people and thought herself much more intelligent than those who could not "get" it.

I am only recounting the story to help you get a glimpse at least at one instance of a person who by many accounts is extremely calculating (of no longer manipulative) and can give you a sense of where this pervasive patter of thinking could have started.
 With years and years of conditioning by living side by side with her and having her as a sole adult we could depend on has done its job. Both me and my brother know much better than many other people how someone mind's works and what kind of personality should we "morph" into in order to achieve our goals the quickest and most efficient way. I say that I am no longer manipulator, because unlike my mother and my brother I derive no pleasure or sense of pride from being able to "fool" other people. On the contrary, that makes me feel rather "turned off". 

The whole situation had only come to light for me when I realize that under no circumstances can I relax and simply trust a person who is next to me - I am always "running" every even remotely plausible scenario of things going wrong and make my own "contingency plans" for each one, as if I was running an endless war exercise or chess match in my head. It is exhausting, and, as you can guess, it is ultimately counterproductive to fostering any close relationship. However, I am compelled to concede - I can not really stop it. Although I can, and I consciously have stopped myself from acting on such knowledge, unless it is really necessarily as a form of defense, I can not really stop perceiving people I meet and situations I get in that way. 

Until recently, I thought that everybody had ability to "calculate" future outcomes of situations based on the facts they see, and I sometimes thought people unnaturally stupid (pardon, please) or even presumptuous for thinking that things work out in different way just for them, despite the pretty obvious facts and past instances where they clearly haven't.
I think every one of us hear of a despicably arrogant and self-centered "white collar criminal" or con artist that after tricking people out of their hard earned money and burning their best feelings of trust and high regard with the realization they have been "played" has the audacity to state that if his victims were stupid enough to believe in what he was laying before them, they were "asking for it". this is an extreme example, but it is a good example of the type of thinking many manipulative Narcissist employ.

Because of their earlier trauma, mentally they are forever "on alert", on the lookout for the next instance when someone tries to trick them or for the next kick in the teeth. So many of them genuinely can not understand how somebody else can be that blind or naive as to not see the obvious, and let them "work it" though they had all the means of seeing the situation clearly. See, in the Narcissist world trust no longer exist. Every man is out for themselves, in you are not strong enough, mentally or otherwise - it is your loss. That is their Modus Operandi and their justification. 

If they choose to engage with you at all, it is always for a reason. Make know mistake every "debit" and "credit" of your interaction (emotional or otherwise) will be carefully recorded and stored until it is time to "settle the bill" - which is forever looming on the horizon, no matter for how long you know the person and how well you think you can trust them. Because were are talking about a Narcissist, not a full-blown Psychopath, emotional, or, should I say, psychological debits and credits get recorded too. This math, however, is likely skewed in one direction: if you praise and generally treat the Narcissist as an outstanding, very special, extraordinarily talented person - you are merely "staying afloat" - that is too say not loosing, but not really gaining points either. however, should you insult the Narcissist - and of course, you know by now that imaginary or unintended insults are just as real in his book then you might just loose all of your previous "savings" and indeed get yourself indebted.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that the Narcissist by no means feel obliged to inform you about their "rules' of what constitutes an offense and how much would it mean to them in terms of the future of your alliance. They will simply put a little "check" in their mind and then make you pay for it, though you may have not the slightest idea what was the real reason behind their sudden assault. 
That will be especially true if they still need you to furnish other, more tangible rewards that were the reason for starting your relationship in the first place. Say, they still need you to supply certain information from their business competitor, or they need you to serve as a convenient "cover" and add prestige as a "stellar" spouse or a partner while they are trying to charm the public. They may be insulted by a certain gesture or off-hand remark of yours, but they will bide their time until you have served your other, utilitarian purpose - THEN they will discard you all the more ruthlessly since you dared to question their supposed grandeur. 

In conclusion, here is the analysis of two correlated currents that keep your involvement with a calculating, manipulative Narcissist alive: it is the purpose you can serve to further his goal- this is initial, and main reason for that type of Narcissist to engage with you in the first place. Then there is also the need to maintain their "uncommon" view on themselves through your admiring eyes - although this requirement is secondary, that can still wound your relationship with the Narcissist to the point of him turning vindictive. If you "wounded" his pseudo ego enough, he may opt to end the relationship right then and there, and continue searching for another, more appreciative companion. If though, the benefit you are providing in more practical sense is important enough, they may choose to still keep dealing with you, but I promise you - they will never forgive you the real or supposed insult you were unfortunate enough to be linked with.


Of course, there is another scenario where you have seized to be of use, but still provide a pleasant background with your favorable view on the Narcissist. In this case you are likely to be disposed of all the same, even though you yourself haven't done anything wrong. You see, this type of a Narcissist is truly like a calculating machine, that does not want to be stopped and bothered with any "expenditures" that will not further his goal.

There is only one exception to this rule that I am aware of: there could come a moment in the Narcissist's life where everyone inn his immediate circle has caught up to his tricks (that is not difficult to do, for once you are used you are abruptly discarded, treated in dramatically different way, and contacted only when needed again) - and so the Narcissist has exhausted the sources for his supply and will "settle" for any, even imperfect one. If, despite being used and treated badly, you are still insistent on wanting to help, change, be there for the Narcissist, and does not have more appealing options at the moment, he will then, of somewhat reluctantly, "settle" for you. For the time being, of course. 

Because the 

moment the more suitable choice arrives he will sprint in the exhilaration of the fresh chase, living you in the dust, often only to return when the new "shining star" refuses to accept the foul treatment and otherwise questionable "rewards" fo the relationship you were willing to accept. And there, perhaps, lies the secret of the serial cheaters and their long-suffering spouses, who are willing to accept the "wandering husband" back in their arms time and again, possibly viewing themselves as extra understanding and forgiving, while their spouse is likely to just see them as "not their first choice", something less than ideal, but nevertheless "OK" to fall back on, if no other more enticing choices are around.

I am well aware that might sound pretty rough, but I would much rather be open and honest in hopes of reaching the ones that are "ready" for the message, then simply feed more "fluff" to those decent and indeed long-suffering people who quite remarkably choose to stick to their Narcissist against all odds.

I will continue to explore the topic of manipulative, calculating and vindictive Narcissist in my next post, discussing few possible tactics of incurring the least possible damage while being entangled in their schemes, as well as limiting the probability of their future attempts to manipulate you.

Here is the corresponding videos for this post:

Part 1

...and Part 2

...heal thyself

So, I decided to take my own advice from the previous post, and try and renegotiated the terms on which I relate to myself, or, rather the terms on which my Superego relates to little ole me. I thought about it for a moment: what have I been doing up until now? I have been fighting that punishing, scolding inner voice the best I could, wasting most of my energy on this, ultimately, futile pursuit - trying to pretend or prove that I wasn't as bad as it was making me out to be, that I actually deserved acknowledgement and respect. Trying to hold all of that negative talk back and "hold the fort" up until the moment I suddenly couldn't anymore... Then I would give up, concede that I am indeed nothing but a sad, lost, no-good loser and therefore do not have the right to exist. 

Then, predictably, a period of withdrawal and kind of removed, disengaged attitude and depression would follow. So, that is what I have been doing up until now. If ignoring the punishing, berating voice won't do, and fighting it won't do either, than what is there left to do? Reason with it, perhaps? Well, in my experience it helps somewhat, but it does not take away the depth of the emotions its attacks produce anyway. So what then? Agree with it (Gasp!) on the merits (though, perhaps, tone down the degree a notch), but count its basic premise that being faulty automatically means not being worthy of acceptance and love out as untrue. 

It would go something like this:

Punishing voice within: You are a loser - what have you done with your life so far that is good?
I: I may be less accomplished than I could have been, but I still choose to love myself, since this basic love and acceptance is the only real way to be.

Any person who has loved, or even witnessed love in any of its forms - mother to child, lover to lover, owner to their pet will surely know one does not have to be perfect to be accepted and loved. Why, then, should you and I wait until we are flawless to feel good? We should not! Simple as that. Now, the other thing is to remember it and not slip into a familiar pattern of feeling assaulted and having to "prove" myself. There is no proof, and there is no need for the proof. I accept myself as I am and the world around me as it is - in all of its imperfection and beauty.

And I hope you know you are part of that wonderful world as well :)

This is the video I am referring to in this post:

Narcissist's "up and down" cycle and a proposed way to bring it in balance.

In this post I will try to allude to the reason for Narcissist's up and down cycles, as well as the solution to bringing peace to this seemingly hopeless inner dynamic.

To regular people Narcissist's sudden shift in interests and moods seems confusing, but, in my experience, there is an underlying logic behind this seemingly irrational behavior. Let's remind ourselves of a few important facts: the Narcissist's internal motivation varies a great deal from that of a regular person - they act, perform, indeed even exist in a constant pursuit of further proof of their own exceptional value as a person. Please note the word "exceptional". I will explain in a moment. 

Of course, this continuous desire for approval and upholding of the Narcissist's unrealistic view on what he is, or, in his more candid moment's, what he should be, but hopelessly is not is rendered hopelessly inadequate by his own uber vigilant, punishing and persecutory superego, which is only too quick to remind the Narcissist about all of the guilt and shortcomings that he will forever have to grapple with. Because this persecuting voice that was in all likelihood internalized from the overly critical or unfeeling parents, the Narcissist never, but never is able to experience lasting relief and self-acceptance. 

The fleeting moment of joy comes when a valued and respected opponent (because the Narcissist views every living being as a threat and opponent in some way) when that counter-party furnishes some praise or heartfelt positive feedback for the Narcissist. Then the Narcissist can let himself off-guard for a minute, enjoy his moment in the light and feel good. However, if the praise keep coming, constant and assuring as it should be in a normal, stable adult relationship, the Narcissist starts noticing that his inner deeply held view of himself and the feedback he receives from another person do not square. He can not just let himself off the hook and start believing what other people believe him to be - he feels that deep inside he is undeserving, unloved, deficient little fellow who could not even secure the love of his own parents. 

So what is the Narcissist to do in this situation? He has two choices: to stand up to his internalized punishing inner voices and at last assert himself as a valuable human being, who although not perfect, is still deserving of love and acceptance - OR keep clinging to his illusory grandiose view on himself designed to match the equally disproportional and downright fantastic requirements his inner parent imposes on him and then, by continuation, to discount the opinion of the person who likes him enough to keep coming around with the same positive attitude time and again. It is like the Narcissist is caught up in never ending cycle of first trying to prove that he is so special, so outstanding, so enormously gifted and he should be accepted even with all of the inner quits and shames that he keeps carrying from his childhood, and then letting that punishing, sadistic part of personality frustrate his best efforts at being accepted. 

The moment he feels he is on the pedestal, at last - the realization comes that deep inside he knows he does not deserve it. He must take himself down by sabotaging his efforts, devaluing and insulting the person who's opinion he valued so just yesterday.  You know this sharp and very accurate joke about Narcissist not being willing to join the club that would accept him - that is about the gist of it. After performing that familiar act of self-destruction the Narcissist can find himself sinking in the quiet state of disinterest and defeat, justifiably feeling hopeless in the situation he has no idea how to control.

The Narcissist can't win - the game is set up in a way as to forever lead him on the chase that can not end until one of the main premises of this game is destroyed, pulling down and destroying the other part with it. The trick is - there is only one correct sequence in that 1-2 step of destruction of this unfortunate "setting", and nearly everyone goes about it in the other way. 

Here is how it works: as we already established, the overblown false "ego" is constructed to withstand constant vicious attacks of sadistic, grotesquely overly demanding Super ego, that was internalized to funnel the guilt, shame and sense of inadequacy the Narcissist likely felt in his formative years. So, let us think about which of those two - the oversize ego, or the vicious voice within gets damaged by social disapproval or circumstances of reality that the Narcissist can not control. The answer invariably will be - the former. It is impossible to go through life without receiving blows to your ego, especially when your requirements in that respect are rather high.

 So what happens then when the false construct gets attacked? The Narcissist has an overwhelming sense of panic of being even more inadequate and even more undeserving than he initially felt. He fights for his false ego as if his life depends on it, and, in some respect, it really does. Now, what do we have in the end: more humiliation,  deeper sense of inadequacy and MORE reasons for the shaming, humiliating voice to get stronger, and, in turn, even more vivid and determined attempts to protect the false image, that is the only shield from an overwhelming sense of shame. The cycle continues, and stronger than before. 

But what if we chose to approach the problem from the different angle? What if we chose to "take out" the credibility of the vicious voice within first? Now, clearly, it is easier said than done, and in voicing this I am talking directly to the persons affected with NPD or Narcissistic traits, because their partners can not do this work for them, as much as they would like to - this section can be of benefit for them in terms of theory and information. 

So, let's continue our theoretical exercise: what if the credibility of the voice, and, indeed, even its right to exist was questioned? If there were no need for living up to impossibly high expectations, perhaps it would result in greater sense of acceptance and compassion towards oneself. Indeed, these are the antidotes to feeling the usual suspects in Narcissist's misery: shame and guilt. Also, that would probably lead to better understanding of one's shared basic humanity, and that would give way to feeling of greater sense of belonging, community and being part of the greater social network - and there goes our last misery-producing tool - sense of inadequacy. I, therefore, would argue that any hope we have as Narcissist as to try our best to question the validity of the "basic" equation we thought we had figured out long ago: my parent's did not love and accept me,  my presence did not make them happy, or even made them decidedly unhappy - therefore I must be bad, deficient, inadequate and wrong. 

Approaching the issue from purely logical standpoint, it is fairly easy to see that our parent's could be unhappy, cold, removed or  overly anxious for any number of reasons and that their own mental and emotional state is not by any means a reflection on our worth as their children, or now as adults. Though it is quite easy to understand it intellectually, we also must drive the same conclusion to our much deeper, emotional levels, putting out the fire of negative perceptions and feelings about ourselves that has been raging unchecked for too long, consuming our selves, our humanity and indeed our very live for too long. 

The horrific cycle we have been caught in relies on the two polarities - trying to run away from self-hate by pretending we are better than it is humanly possible to be, then frustrating that construct and conceding our own helplessness. 

Take out the need to be "much better than", the need to be perfect and accept the imperfect, yet magnificent experience of living life as a human being. The doors are now open - leave your monsters behind, they will starve and dissolve once there is nothing to feed on. You have a chance to live your life the way you always wanted, and who knows, may that is what the perfect life truly means.

Narcissists "hurt" by not hurting enough.

One viewer of my vlog-  NPDrecovery on youtube-  has recently asked these questions:

"... Why is a person with NPD so easily hurt, yet can not comprehend how their own words and actions hurt others? And if they become self-aware of this (temporarily), what happens? Thank you again, you are very brave and have provided invaluable insight."

Here is my attempt to answer: 

From my experience, what basically happens is the Narcissist reacts more to YOUR raw emotions when she or he are getting "hurt"(perhaps the absence of their own emotional phone is to blame for this extra sensitivity, sometimes also combined with being hyper-alert after having to rely on that trait to survive abusive childhood)- so they just "catch" what you feel and start feeling it and then experience this violent reaction of having to "push" it out and resist feeling unwanted emotions that they perceive as a weakness, and then also the emotions that come as a reaction to those,  like shame, guilt and so that manifests outwardly as rage at you for "making" them experience those emotions.

Suppose you came to them wanting more intimacy, some empathy or when you were saddened or upset by something. Internally, they view vulnerability and emotional openness as a weakness and then also a threat. Often having survived abuse in their childhood they mistakenly attribute the predicament to themselves being too "trusting", vulnerable  open and so on and so they fear and so try to avoid experiencing those emotions to avoid re-experiencing the trauma (which they often consciously "forgot") or even having to witness and therefore being reminded of those emotions and therefore of that perceived weakness.*  It seems they can not react in a healthy way to your hurt or reaching out for empathy - to them it is just an attempt to shame them, to show them how they are to at fault. Once they catch those emotions and perceived implications of those, they will, of course, will try and avoid feeling the pain by turning around and "defending" against you, blaming you and making it all about themselves.

(I can only imagine how puzzling and discouraging it is to be treated like this when you came to a person for empathy or understanding... :/ )

Now, In case when the Narcissist is the one who is hurting someone, they do not really feel anything inside (I know, kind of a horrible thing to say - but do see my point, it is not quite the "usual" implication) - in a sense that they do not really "set out" to hurt you the way they inevitably think you are doing when they are getting "hurt". They do it by NOT caring, by NOT showing emotions, by making sure you are not able to experience them in that way. In their mind they are almost giving you a favor by being so "shut down" and removed, because to them if they do not "bring" their emotions to the table then you can not be affected, since their only mechanism of experiencing discomfort is by "catching" your emotions. In a way it's like they are lacking initiative in the most basic way - they write themselves off as a person who can experience true emotions and therefore also as a person who can AFFECT  other's true emotions. You see what I mean?   (I don't blame you if you don't at first, I bet it is a puzzle for any regular person to think that way) They have not been really 'hear" or "seen" as an actual person when they were forming as persons, so they got used to the idea that their actions and feelings DO NOT truly matter. And in the rare event that they become for a second aware of those buried (and by now totally destructive  feelings, they think the dutiful thing      to do is to "shove it down" as deep as possible and pretend they do not exist.  So if they do not "impose" their feelings on you which, they figure, should make you happy and they are genuinely puzzled when you feel dissatisfied with that.

Narcissism is like a delicate dance of constantly having to re-balance internally, and get the best hold you can of all those explosive feelings and blaming, harsh, criticizing voices in you, while out worldly trying to present a composed, impenetrable  nearly perfect "front". It is exhausting, thoroughly dissatisfying and incredibly persistent - one can not simply stop and catch themselves for any length of time - once they are aware their frightened tiny inner being pushes them back into the "game' since there is not enough psychic energy to confront whatever the person fears feeling through.

As for being temporary aware, I can only speak from my experience and that "realization" always catches me speechless, and I become quiet and kind of (very mutely  sad, because I honestly have not an earthly clue how to stop behaving that way towards the very same people who care about me most. Just a rational realization in my mind, while better than nothing, does not amount to much - to re-condition one's behavior, or in this case,  their whole personality - their entire perception of the world and of themselves - that takes much more than a moment of intellectual awareness.

I attribute the limited progress that I made to the dogged determination to "dig deep"and figure out what had happened to me as a child and why am I experiencing this combined with the willingness to get through as much emotional pain as needed in order to see the truth, the reality of what IS my familiar situation and my make-up as a human being. It is the almost scientific curiosity coupled with the love of discovering the true "motive" behind things that lead me there initially, not necessarily the effect I was having on other people (pardon), though it did play a role later if only by intellectually realizing my responsibility towards others, without the "stick" of corresponding emotions to really make it, well, felt...

Please don't forget that all people are different, and Narcissism IS, after all, a spectrum disorder (even if this was said so many times it lost its original meaning lol)) I hope this helps to a degree, though I feel a little bad that I did not have more encouraging view. Thank you again for your initial question and please do feel free to ask again, comment and share what you think. 

Best wishes to you!

Breaking free of the Narcissist

The nature of the Narcissistic bond and the way to unravel it...

People familiar with the topic often note on how strong, and sometimes downright unbreakable our bonds with the people who hurt us may seem. As almost anyone who has been through Narcissistic abuse will tell you, it feels like a never-ending cycle: feeling very special in the beginning, then feeling hopeful that first feeling will return, then that nagging need for care that is never quite met, being hurt and disappointed time and again and still keeping on hoping for that first "click" to come back again, and hurting, and repeating the same thing through the years of disappointments and pain. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Imagine the despair of the person who realizes they are in this unhealthy spiral, but has no earthy idea of how to come out of it.

I do not have to imagine, because I have lived through this until one particularly awful experience shook me back into being aware, and that was beginning of my recovery. But it took many twist and turns, and I urge you to be patient with yourself: you have been through an immensely traumatic experience, in many cases may times over - and in my view, you should be proud you are still strong enough to look for solutions, you really do deserve respect and acknowledgement!

Now, back to the topic: why do we form such a strong attachment with a Narcissist and how do we undo it?

Any professional will tell you that our attitudes towards love and intimacy stem from childhood. It is from our parents that we learn how to receive (or be deprived of) love, care and attention, how to process and respond to it, and how to give it in return. By the time you were an adult, the patterns of exchanging that vital energy had set in - that is why it is said that every partner brings the attitudes and expectations of their parental home into relationships and tends to view their partner through that mindset. More often than not a person will even choose a partner who will fit in the "mold" of the relationship based on their childhood home.

Let us consider for a second what does it mean for those for people who grew up in the home where one or more partners were a Narcissist. They were groomed and trained from the beginning of their life to serve to demands of the Narcissist and to neglect their own feelings.

They would grow up feeling deep in their heart that their situation is actually normal, because they never experienced truly loving and caring attention. Sadly, these wounded souls will make a perfect target for Narcissists, and they will have a particularly hard time separating themselves from their abusive partners even though "in their head" they are fully aware that it is wrong.

It breaks my heart to think about all of the sweet, loving souls who would go through life giving their best to someone who can not really appreciate, let alone reciprocate, their gifts.

Sad as this situation is, there is a solution, though as everything worthwhile, it will require real effort on our part. It will require all the strength we have to go deep into the heart of our childhood trauma and relive the hurt while seeing it for what it is with our adult minds. Sounds difficult, almost impossible, but this is the way to freedom, and it has to be done.

Let us review the theory while we summon the courage. The unusual strength of the bond we feel when we are attached to our adult life Narcissist is because we subconsciously feel the need to find a resolution to our childhood trauma. And so may your partner. That is why you two made such a "perfect" fit and in the beginning you both had nothing short of elating feeling of "right" relationship. You were "high" on a fresh chance to resolve and heal your old wounds.

But the tricky thing is that you two knew your parts by heart by then and you kept acting it out without even thinking about it. And even if you did think about it, you did not have enough energy and will to just "stop" doing whatever you were doing. Human beings do not work like that.

So what is the solution you ask? The solution is to upgrade from whole "system" that has been installed in your mind by abusive parents. You see, you were taught the rules of trust, love, loyalty, but those rules were skewed. The person who taught you, did not have your best interest in mind - they protected their own. And so those rules do not serve YOU - never did and never will. When they taught you that loyalty means never questioning anything, or that care meant constant sacrifice and neglect of your needs in order to serve them, that is not how it supposed to work - they simply wrote you out of the equation.

     

You see what is so tragic about this? The person who were entrusted with keeping you safe, nurturing you, helping you grow instead had trained you to serve and help THEM. And so you grew up thinking that if you do everything "right" (by those rules) you then will deserve care and love. Well, pardon me for being brutally honest, but how did it work out for you? Right? I only have the courage to say all this because I have been though this myself, and I know how miserable it can feel. It is about as traumatic as it gets to realize that people you were attached to and trusted for your survival were so selfish they didn't even SEE you. Many people in this world will do whatever they can to distract themselves from that horrifying reality, and as a result will put themselves through constant most terrifying abuse to keep running away from that thought. They do not want to see the world can be so cruel - and indeed, how unbearably cruel is that?

BUT! I have a little extra note that could help, and it only came to me after years of working through my own experience:
There is something bigger and more profound than this that has sustained you until this moment, that insisted that you were beautiful and valuable enough to keep alive through it all. It still keeps you living, breathing, loving, wanting to learn more. Think about this.

Then get back to your parents, or your caregivers who "set up" the game in your head where you would continuously share your energy and get nothing in return, and they would string you alone with high words and principals. As an adult, you probably realize that teaching you to keep a secret or deny how you feel against your better instincts was anything but love, not matter how many "right" words they said. Once you see that first lie, you are going to see them all. One after one, they will begin falling like Dominoes.

Following normal grief and sadness comes liberation. You can now clearly see what loving relationship really includes and what it does NOT, you can also see what kept you locked into cycle of abuse for so long. They were the old rules you followed so loyally, the ones instilled in you by your abuser.

    

What do trust, loyalty, love and care really mean, what do they involve? Go through those old agreements and upgrade them based on what you now know about the world and relationships. If you need help finding better sources an "role models", you will find plenty - just look. The most important step is to see your primal relationship in the new light, all other things will follow.

I believe you are strong enough. Please do not hesitate to comment and share what your experience has been and what you feel and think.

It is a difficult subject to even think about let alone discuss, but through those conversations we are experiencing healing, and by healing ourselves we heal the whole world. So live with your heart open and be brave. 

Best wishes to you!

Here is a link to the original lens on the topic, complete with polls, highlights and related videos (as well as few helpful books) here

Here is the original video on the same topic - as usual, I post it here so you have a chance to see the comments and join the discussion on my channel. Thank you!

I appreciate your shares and comments! All the best!

Vilifying Narcissists

Today I wanted to discuss a topic that became important to me over the time I have been spending researching NPD online, in addition to speaking with specialists. It is the topic of Narcissist-bashing, or vilifying the Narcissists. OK, after having been through Narcissistic abuse more than once in my life, believe me, I completely understand just how incredibly painful it can be to realize the extend of the abuse and to make your first steps to recovery. By trying to look on the Narcissist's side, I am by no means looking to dispute the extend of the damage for YOU, their unfortunate partner, and neither am I looking to devalue your feelings about that abuse. I am just trying to fit what we know about NPD with the situation that has developed where ex partners hurt by Narcissist come out in force to dehumanize and label them in a way that will sure not inspire a healthy attitude towards ultimately very disordered people, and sure is not going to help those victims to recover sooner, if not hold off a recovery.

Let us consider a few key points professional psychologists know about the disorder:

Individual affected by NPD alienates her or his real self to avoid unbearable feelings of hurt and trauma that the true self has been experiencing. They lock out and deny their own real feelings, because they can no longer process the overwhelming stimuli in healthy ways. They are over capacity with other coping strategies human beings normally employ and so they resort to construction of false self.

False self is deliberately created to fence off the pain any "risky" interaction can bring, therefore it is desensitized to any emotional input. Period. The individual who is affected by NPD will flat out deny their and other people's right to validation of their emotions and feelings, and therefore will use every tick in the book to not let their own or other people's feelings reach their consciousness, aside for purely analytical, calculating part of their brain. The main message here that deep inside they are TERRIFIED of your real feelings because it would demonstrate their own inability to be honest and process their own unwanted emotions.

Now, please please understand although this is written and told to you plainly here using the data and analysis professionals have at their disposal, that does not at all mean the Narcissist has the same quality insight of their condition. Far from it! Indeed if they had a real insight into their situation, they would have made a first GIANT step toward recovery (though not the only one necessary, but still a giant step) Most Narcissists I have dealt with in my life - and I had my fair share, sadly - were not even aware they had ANY problem, let alone knowing what exactly they have difficulty with or how it is different from what normal people are experiencing. Think about it - they never HAD an experience most normal people take per granted - they never learned how to bond, how to trust and how to deal with their feelings.

Now, given all this, how do "normal" expect any kind of healthy interaction, and more importantly, why do they react so violently angry toward the Narcissist for frustrating their feelings, once they understand how this disorder works. It is just as irrational to expect healthy heartfelt interaction from such a damaged individual as it would be to expect a cactus to bear some mangoes for you.

I understand how bewildering it is to be dealing with NPD-affected individual when you do not know what is wrong with them, and when you are still looking for a guy or a gal that was perfect for you - kind, attentive and sweet, Bust once you know you are dealing with NPD as most online "Narcissist bashers" do, why do you keep treating them like an average human being in terms of standards for their behavior. The point IS that they are not normal, and chances are - never will be.

You do not shame a delusional person who thinks you are an alien and must be fought off. Neither do you get so angry with them you use terms like "monster", "animal" and such. You simply realize something is terribly wrong, take care of your own feelings and move on. Heck, you probably even feel bad for a guy, and rightly so!

Narcissism is more socially functional disorder in a sense that affected person does not betray their condition so easily. But they still do not have control over how they react to "threatening" stimuli, and by God most of them not have a slightest clue what is wrong, or even that they are not normal at all. To them this IS normal. To them your behavior is confusing, very puzzling indeed.

You see what I am trying to say here? To make an imperfect analogy, a rational human being will not get mad at a light pole, even if it falls and badly damages the body of their "victim". They are bound to feel hurt, traumatized, even pity themselves for their misfortune, but they will not embark on online campaign to stir resentment and hate  toward every light pole in the country! One thing to alert people to the danger of being traumatized and quite another is to vilify your disordered counterpart to the point where most of your audience feel like there is nothing human about that person at all. Actually, the person have been a victim of horrendous abuse themselves, and that is why they are behaving in a way they do. By all means, do NOT try to rescue them yourself - you are not equipped for it. Get out of the way, protect yourself and your loved once but also PLEASE have some compassion on for this badly damaged individual, not for him - he will never understand or accept any of it, or even acknowledge his need for it - but just to preserve your own sanity, your own human heart that have survived against all odds and does want to be forsaken in the name of pride.

This is the same material in the form of the video- please feel free to reference it and share it with your friends

It is extremely hard to deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The chaos and emotional turbulence that are at the center of the disease are often too much to bear for both the individual suffering from the disease and her/his loved ones. Trauma created by actions of a person affected with NPD is so great that attention tends to focus almost exclusively on their partner's suffering, and the other party is almost always is regarded as a kind of supernatural "monster" who is totally devoid of feelings and enjoys good people's suffering. I attribute it in part to the shock and pain of the partner once they realized the nature of the relationships they have been participants in, and partly to a tendency in homegrown "experts" on the topic to cross-reference such terms as "sociopath", "psychopath" and "narcissist".

In this blog, I set out to share my personal journey from years of almost unbearable pain and failures in relationship in every area of my life to realizing I have been affected with NPD, to very careful and slow attempts at progress and recovery. It has been years since a particularly ugly break-up forced me into discovering underworld of socio- and psychopathology and Narcissism. At the time I identified the disturbing traits in my ex-partner, and in the effort to understand what happened, I kept pursuing the knowledge in any form - from online posts to interviews with specialists and plain folks who had an encounter with the phenomena, and I had not an earthiest clue that I was affected with the disease myself.

The experience I have been through is not unlike having your world repeatedly turned upside down - from realizing the person you thought you knew is nothing at all like you imagined, to discovering there is a whole group of people you never knew existed, to realizing your own mother was affected by the same disease and that is what made your childhood so unbearably painful, to finally understanding that you yourself came to exhibit the same traits you abhorred so much! At last, because I am only now starting to seriously look at myself from the perspective of knowing about NPD and facing a challenge of recovering from it, I am trying to share whatever insight I gained into this condition with my fellow sufferers and with people who are (or were) close to them and are looking to understand the dynamics.

I do not claim to have all the answers, however I have to say that because of the reason I discuss in my first video, and for many others, mental health industry have, to a large degree, failed to make any significant progress with NPD, and so it is often up to the individual themselves to try and figure out the way out of the maize that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I intent to try my best, so that my findings can benefit not only myself but others. 

All of your comments and/or questions are appreciated, and it would truly mean a lot for the discussion if you help share these posts by, well, sharing it, liking it and posting a comment. Here is a link to my NPDrecovery vlog. Thank you and best wishes to you!