Narcissist's "up and down" cycle and a proposed way to bring it in balance.

In this post I will try to allude to the reason for Narcissist's up and down cycles, as well as the solution to bringing peace to this seemingly hopeless inner dynamic.

To regular people Narcissist's sudden shift in interests and moods seems confusing, but, in my experience, there is an underlying logic behind this seemingly irrational behavior. Let's remind ourselves of a few important facts: the Narcissist's internal motivation varies a great deal from that of a regular person - they act, perform, indeed even exist in a constant pursuit of further proof of their own exceptional value as a person. Please note the word "exceptional". I will explain in a moment. 

Of course, this continuous desire for approval and upholding of the Narcissist's unrealistic view on what he is, or, in his more candid moment's, what he should be, but hopelessly is not is rendered hopelessly inadequate by his own uber vigilant, punishing and persecutory superego, which is only too quick to remind the Narcissist about all of the guilt and shortcomings that he will forever have to grapple with. Because this persecuting voice that was in all likelihood internalized from the overly critical or unfeeling parents, the Narcissist never, but never is able to experience lasting relief and self-acceptance. 

The fleeting moment of joy comes when a valued and respected opponent (because the Narcissist views every living being as a threat and opponent in some way) when that counter-party furnishes some praise or heartfelt positive feedback for the Narcissist. Then the Narcissist can let himself off-guard for a minute, enjoy his moment in the light and feel good. However, if the praise keep coming, constant and assuring as it should be in a normal, stable adult relationship, the Narcissist starts noticing that his inner deeply held view of himself and the feedback he receives from another person do not square. He can not just let himself off the hook and start believing what other people believe him to be - he feels that deep inside he is undeserving, unloved, deficient little fellow who could not even secure the love of his own parents. 

So what is the Narcissist to do in this situation? He has two choices: to stand up to his internalized punishing inner voices and at last assert himself as a valuable human being, who although not perfect, is still deserving of love and acceptance - OR keep clinging to his illusory grandiose view on himself designed to match the equally disproportional and downright fantastic requirements his inner parent imposes on him and then, by continuation, to discount the opinion of the person who likes him enough to keep coming around with the same positive attitude time and again. It is like the Narcissist is caught up in never ending cycle of first trying to prove that he is so special, so outstanding, so enormously gifted and he should be accepted even with all of the inner quits and shames that he keeps carrying from his childhood, and then letting that punishing, sadistic part of personality frustrate his best efforts at being accepted. 

The moment he feels he is on the pedestal, at last - the realization comes that deep inside he knows he does not deserve it. He must take himself down by sabotaging his efforts, devaluing and insulting the person who's opinion he valued so just yesterday.  You know this sharp and very accurate joke about Narcissist not being willing to join the club that would accept him - that is about the gist of it. After performing that familiar act of self-destruction the Narcissist can find himself sinking in the quiet state of disinterest and defeat, justifiably feeling hopeless in the situation he has no idea how to control.

The Narcissist can't win - the game is set up in a way as to forever lead him on the chase that can not end until one of the main premises of this game is destroyed, pulling down and destroying the other part with it. The trick is - there is only one correct sequence in that 1-2 step of destruction of this unfortunate "setting", and nearly everyone goes about it in the other way. 

Here is how it works: as we already established, the overblown false "ego" is constructed to withstand constant vicious attacks of sadistic, grotesquely overly demanding Super ego, that was internalized to funnel the guilt, shame and sense of inadequacy the Narcissist likely felt in his formative years. So, let us think about which of those two - the oversize ego, or the vicious voice within gets damaged by social disapproval or circumstances of reality that the Narcissist can not control. The answer invariably will be - the former. It is impossible to go through life without receiving blows to your ego, especially when your requirements in that respect are rather high.

 So what happens then when the false construct gets attacked? The Narcissist has an overwhelming sense of panic of being even more inadequate and even more undeserving than he initially felt. He fights for his false ego as if his life depends on it, and, in some respect, it really does. Now, what do we have in the end: more humiliation,  deeper sense of inadequacy and MORE reasons for the shaming, humiliating voice to get stronger, and, in turn, even more vivid and determined attempts to protect the false image, that is the only shield from an overwhelming sense of shame. The cycle continues, and stronger than before. 

But what if we chose to approach the problem from the different angle? What if we chose to "take out" the credibility of the vicious voice within first? Now, clearly, it is easier said than done, and in voicing this I am talking directly to the persons affected with NPD or Narcissistic traits, because their partners can not do this work for them, as much as they would like to - this section can be of benefit for them in terms of theory and information. 

So, let's continue our theoretical exercise: what if the credibility of the voice, and, indeed, even its right to exist was questioned? If there were no need for living up to impossibly high expectations, perhaps it would result in greater sense of acceptance and compassion towards oneself. Indeed, these are the antidotes to feeling the usual suspects in Narcissist's misery: shame and guilt. Also, that would probably lead to better understanding of one's shared basic humanity, and that would give way to feeling of greater sense of belonging, community and being part of the greater social network - and there goes our last misery-producing tool - sense of inadequacy. I, therefore, would argue that any hope we have as Narcissist as to try our best to question the validity of the "basic" equation we thought we had figured out long ago: my parent's did not love and accept me,  my presence did not make them happy, or even made them decidedly unhappy - therefore I must be bad, deficient, inadequate and wrong. 

Approaching the issue from purely logical standpoint, it is fairly easy to see that our parent's could be unhappy, cold, removed or  overly anxious for any number of reasons and that their own mental and emotional state is not by any means a reflection on our worth as their children, or now as adults. Though it is quite easy to understand it intellectually, we also must drive the same conclusion to our much deeper, emotional levels, putting out the fire of negative perceptions and feelings about ourselves that has been raging unchecked for too long, consuming our selves, our humanity and indeed our very live for too long. 

The horrific cycle we have been caught in relies on the two polarities - trying to run away from self-hate by pretending we are better than it is humanly possible to be, then frustrating that construct and conceding our own helplessness. 

Take out the need to be "much better than", the need to be perfect and accept the imperfect, yet magnificent experience of living life as a human being. The doors are now open - leave your monsters behind, they will starve and dissolve once there is nothing to feed on. You have a chance to live your life the way you always wanted, and who knows, may that is what the perfect life truly means.