Dealing with calculating, manipulative Narcissist.

As promised, this post is also on the subject of manipulative, calculating Narcissist.

This time we will discuss the ways to counteract their choices, and a few ways to try and minimize the damage and possibility of future attempts to manipulate you. 

Fair warning: many of you may find this tactics a little less than scrupulous and I will be first to admit that in the ideal world none of us should ever stoop down to behaving that way. However, as in my video about leaving a Narcissistic partner, I do want to remind you that you are dealing with extremely self-centered, unfeeling human being who can and will make you feel very sorry indeed if you fail to appreciate who you are dealing with, equip yourself with knowledge and behave accordingly. 

Make no mistake - manipulative and calculating Narcissist will not think twice about ruining your reputation, breaking ties with your family members or friends or grinding your self respect and even your very soul to pieces, if that suits their purpose. Such a situation is hardly a time to be overly magnanimous. Anyway, with this preamble taken care of, let us go to the core of the issue. 

The situation as follows: you have found out that you are being "played", manipulated or otherwise controlled based on your trust and emotions you have invested in a certain person. As it usually the case, the realization came too late, and you find yourself quite involved in their "plot". What now? 

Well first let me back up for a second and discuss the meaning of "manipulation" as I use it here. In my view, manipulation is an elaborate and quite deliberately chosen or constructed plan of action for the purpose of getting a certain objective, goal or needs met. That means that a person would have to do quite a bit of analysis and planning in advance, and then do some adjusting when their scheme is set in motion. In other words, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old when their needs have not been met or when they fear being abandoned does not constitute real manipulation - it is merely a knee-jerk reaction of the magnitude the "offending party" can not even control, let alone plan - and therefore they also can not control the way it would affect your relationship long term and are probably feeling at your mercy at that emotional moment, and justifiably so. 

That is quite the opposite of manipulation, in my book, since a truly skilled manipulator would never let the person they have been manipulating realize what have been going on up until the point they have attained the goal and the concealment of their real objective or persona is no longer needed. They would have to plan such a scheme well in advance, and at no point would they have elected to be out of control. Such person's behavior usually is very matter of fact and business-like and emotional outbursts generally do not figure into their schemes, unless our particular manipulative Narcissist has a flair for drama (as in all things theatrical ) and is not afraid to pull a public performance. 

Even conceding that they chose to go the "emotional" route, they would still fake it just to the point of attaining a particular goal and not a second further. Consider the following scenario: your partner realizes that their antics have all but destroyed the bond between you and you are getting ready to call it quits. Here is what I would not consider being manipulative behavior, although I know many others would choose to see it as such: your partner makes a huge emotional scene, try to convince you they can not possibly live without you and that if you do leave they may have no other choice but to hurt themselves in order to terminate their misery. Now, they may be exhibiting traits of BPD and may genuinely believe they can not survive without you. In my book, that does not constitute manipulative behavior, even if most level headed adults would be tempted to view it as such. Truly manipulative person would never allow themselves to disintegrate in the pool of tears and beg at your feet not to leave them as some poor lost little child would. The person we are discussing in this first instance is in genuine pain at the moment, and though they might tax your own energy and freedom at their limit, that feeling of burden is not by itself a proof of being manipulated. 

Consider another scenario that may look similar to an unsuspected spectator, but which, contrary to the first example, bear all the signs of manipulation. The premise is the same: your spouse or partner realize that you are about to leave them, yet they are depended on you financially or otherwise, and they do not wish to relinquish their cozy situation without a fight. They may try and make their case with you, plainly stating that they do not intend to let you get off easily. Note, unlike in the first example, the partner is in total control of themselves, and, indeed, very likely in control of the whole situation. Suppose you counter that you are set on leaving this time. They act cold and composed while you are saying this, yet dissolve in the state of uncontrollable grief/panic or feigned remorse once your family, pastor or any other influential person in the community or in your life enters the picture. This is a clear case of manipulation and deceit. 

Despite of the optics of the situation being very similar - we have seemingly uncontrollably grieving person begging their partner not to leave them - in this second example we have all the signs of real manipulation - the conduct is clearly premeditated, the person has not acted impulsively and is in total control of their own emotional state, behavior and the situation at large - though you may end up looking like an ass for trying to leave such a dedicated, loving spouse at their most vulnerable moment, you know for a fact that you have been played and there is not a drop of truth in what they are trying to "sell" others in order to advance their own goals. That would constitute a clear case of manipulation. 

Though, as I said, In my experience most skilled manipulators tend to stay away of emotional displays altogether, and deal instead in cold hard facts and logic. Anyway, thank you for enduring, such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it does help understand what I am about to try and parse for the remainder of the post. As we said, when dealing with skilled manipulator, the first hurdle is that you generally learn about their true intentions and objectives much too late. 

Even so, once you are aware of them your only chance of making it out with least damage possible, in my opinion, is to play your cards very close to your chest. At no point you are to confront such a person and demand an honest explanation - you would only be exposing yourself and inviting more deceit and manipulation or even outright intimidation and other unpleasant stuff to follow. Instead, you are advised to play dumb and play along. 

Let me explain:

First, you need to privately do the same thing the Narcissist does: you are to assess the situation coldly, with analytical state of mind,  and try to figure out the best you can their true ultimate objective and what is it that they are trying to get out of you in the process. Your "contribution" is not always the end result, and so you need to understand both very well. Once you are clear on what is it that the Narcissist wants to get out of you, your job is to convince them that you are incapable of providing it to them to a degree they have hoped, despite your undying loyalty and foremost admiration for them (sarc.)

You see, we are truly doing what Narcissist do when they set out to exploit other people's weaknesses: we are going to exploit their own. By the very nature of their disorder, the Narcissist are prone to believing that they are by far the smartest and shrewdest person around, as well as the one deserving of unlimited praise and loyalty. So if we are to play along by pretending not to be smart enough to serve their purpose, while simultaneously feeding their ego, they will probably conclude they have made a mistake in choosing you to do their bidding and soon move on in search of the better candidate. 

Say your boss likes to use your work and present it as his own. Contact a manager to whom your boss reports and politely ask them advice on including particular data your report and which data in their opinion would be most accurate etc. or whatever else would fit your situation, making the it as specific and memorable as possible. The point is to make them aware that you are the one responsible for the report. If well received, send a copy of the report with relevant areas highlighted prior to "official" presentation for their approval. Should your boss try and present your report as his own work later on, he will end up with an egg on his face, and you will always have the cover of simply being overly eager to do a great job. Possibilities are endless, the key rule is to engage the Narcissist on his own terms since being upfront only gives him more opportunities to mess you up. 

In the example of manipulative spouse the approach would be to concede their right to forever control you and your marriage as convincingly as you can and therefore pacify them before they really start fighting. While they are resting on their laurels, you would be wise to consult a lawyer, community leader, police officer and whoever else you find applicable in the effort to precede them and therefore take away their chance to "set up" the stage the way they want. Provided, the situation involving spouses and family are among the most difficult and I did not set out to discuss it in this video, I still want to try and illustrate the same approach even in the most puzzling circumstances. 

Generally, the idea is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try and operate from the most impartial, unemotional perspective you can manage, and then be brave, keep your end objective in mind and believe that your own determination and courage will see you through!