While conducting research for my book, I came across this interesting work on the subject:
http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf
Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.
I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.
Showing posts with label dealing with a narcissist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dealing with a narcissist. Show all posts
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Cheat sheet for dealing with a Narcissistic person
Hello, everyone! Thank you so much for your patience and support - I am glad I can finally make another post. In this one we will discuss a few important things that help you stay safe when dealing with Narcissist. I will list the main points and then briefly summarize the essence of each one. As usual, I hope that you do let me know what you think and add your own points based on your experience and thoughts - I thank all viewers who share their own wisdom and help others overcome difficult times, your input is much appreciated and are always welcome to the discussion.
Now, moving on to our first point. This one is most likely understood by you since you are reading this, but I will underline it anyway, as it is important and it is also good to point out you are already making proactive choices in bettering your future interactions. The first points is to educate yourself, so you can tell a Narcissist beforehand and avoid him or her. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? I guess so, but for the sake of completion, I included this as well.
The second point is - make yourself Narcissist-proof by understanding true self-esteem. I think the best way to describe true self esteem is as profound belief that EVERY living being has intrinsic value as a unique expression of the creative power, and every one of us is to be treated with respect, no matter what is our status or appearances. In other words, there is no need to think that you are better or less than anyone else. IF you make this your real life motto and avoid engaging Ego-driven people on the level that will suck you into their drama, than it is very unlikely that you are going to appeal to, and as a consequence, be hurt by a Narcissist. Their egos thrive on completion-driven drama, and if you are over those games, than they will not find anything to draw you in.
The third point I would like to discuss is a very important one, and though I have talked about it in my other videos, I feel compelled to highlight it again. Please, DO NOT ignore or excuse warning signs. IF you notice something that doesn't feel or sound right - take time to honestly evaluate it. It will save you lots of grief and time in the future. If you see the person treating a waiter or a sub-ordinate condescendingly, if you see them kicking their pet or telling insensitive jokes - take notice. What a person does when they think it is of no consequence says a lot about them. Think about it: would a goodhearted, compassionate person really laugh at another's misfortune? Would they find their "superior" position so intoxicating that they had to put others down just to feel more important? Can you really trust a person who seems to delight in feeling "better-than"? The trickiest situations will present a mixed bag of good and not-so-good qualities and opportunities all mixed up.
For example, I recently met a brilliant, energetic, driven man who also acts appallingly patronizing and disrespectful toward his girlfriend. He also finds my company very desirable and never allows such behavior towards me. Starved for intellectually stimulating company as I was, I quickly realized that should I accept his interest and his many "favors" at the start of our relationship, I will only be in for a familiar ride of "idealization-devaluation" and before long I will be treated the same way, if not worse, than his loyal girlfriend is treated now. I allowed myself no excuses and no second guesses as I made for a quick exit. MY body instantly felt more relaxed and uplifted, which had only confirmed what I already knew to be true, no matter how attractive his energy, drive and conversational skills might have been.
Time to move on to our forth point: once you have seen the "red flags" make every effort to distance yourself, do not engage in any kind of meaningful contact, even if you must interact socially, and, if you have already entered the relationship, exit as soon as possible. In most cases, there is no point in confronting the Narcissist with "the truth", as it will only lead to more engagement, confusion and emotional entanglements. Just chalk it up to be "lesson learned" an move on as quickly and efficiently as possible. Remember that your job is to protect and uplift yourself - you are not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's sole benefit.
Point number five deals with the situation when complete severance of relationship is not possible:
Be firm on your rights and boundaries, establish clear rules for what you will and will not tolerate and NEVER waiver on those. The last part is important, because Narcissists, somewhat like children, will take your being lenient once as a signal that they the rules do not really matter all that much to you, and the next time will try every trick in the book to make their way around your boundaries again. Once you said "No" it must be a complete and unwavering No, which will communicate precision and establish firm limits and consequences for breaking those limits in the future.
This brings us to point six: Document every undesirable conduct and inform future sources of support as soon as possible. Now, I know this may sound daunting, but this also is very important in cases of domestic, workplace, or pretty much any other abuse. Even if you feel assaulted and, as a consequence, very confused and traumatized emotionally (something that many abusers count on) - please make an effort of taking the incident very seriously in terms of documenting its occurrence and making it known to appropriate authorities.
For example, if your coworker has been verbally abusive and intimidating, do not wait to inform your supervisor and, if need be, an H R specialist at your company as soon as possible. There is no point in waiting for things to "improve" on their own (they hardly ever do), and the abuser only will take your perceived compliance as a sign of weakness and as a signal to go right ahead and continue or even escalate their abuse.
Tell everyone who may be your potential sources of support when, where and how precisely the incident happened - the more people know, the more of them may act, advocate and testify on your behalf should the matter reach the level of official inquest, as it routinely does. While dealing with authorities, communicate as clearly as you can, resist the urge to "enhance" certain facts in your favor and stir clear of getting overly accusatory or emotional. Now, this last bit may not seem fair, but as a matter of practical advice it will really help you if you do stay calm. Police officers, court officials, high level managers and supervisors are dealing with untold amounts of human drama in their professional lives, and less compassionate ones may be tempted to dismiss your entire testimony if they suspect you are trying to stir events in your favor by appealing to their emotional side. Remember, they are trained to be equally discriminating of both sides of the conflict, and in the effort to do so they may sometimes appear callous, or even downright unreasonable, but this is the way they see their duty and you are better off getting prepared ahead of time and presenting your case in as impersonal and fact-based way as possible.
It is also important to clearly understand your position on the matter, and NEVER waver from it while communicating with authorities. Leave your private ruminating and grieving to your own safe environment - there is not point in sharing your doubts and demonstrating your less-than-complete resolve to authorities. They are likely to just translate it as more of pointless work for them, and try and wiggle their way out of really addressing the matter. Classic example, of course, would be a spouse who calls police to restrain their abusive partner only to start having second thoughts at the precinct and end up not pressing charges or asking to release the offender. To the officers, such situations are a let down and a waste of time, and this is likely to be evident the next time you, or even another victim in the area contacts them. Please do yourself and others a favor and stand firm for your rights, your dignity and your safety.
Finally, if possible, avoid berating and emotionally pressuring the Narcissist, since, by the nature of the disorder, it is more likely to lead to long rage-filled denial-based tirades than to any real progress. Instead, if possible, try and express some understanding and a little bit of compassion towards them, while at the same time re-affirming your boundaries. For example, you may say something like this: "I understand the difficulties you are having, but I must repeat that this behavior is unacceptable to me, no matter what brought it on." This way you are not vilifying or pushing away the person as much as you reject their behavior, and believe it or not, it may make a difference in the amount of emotional push-back you are likely to get. Just keep asserting your right to be treated with respect and dignity and be sure that they understand that you are prepared to do what is necessary to protect those rights, while still having compassion towards them as a person having difficulties handling their emotions and perceptions of others. I think this compassionate attitude, if you are able to muster it, is best kept as a steady emotional background while interacting with the Narcissist, not as a consistently verbalized statement for them to react to. They do not have emotional maturity to handle that type of feedback and are likely to interpret it as condescending and/or patronizing and therefore insulting. However, if kept as an emotional base for every interaction, I believe this attitude can be helpful, even if just in keeping you calm and centered.
Thank you for reading! As usual, I am grateful for your comments.
Thank you for your continuous support. I am wishing you all a blessed day!
Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!
Now, moving on to our first point. This one is most likely understood by you since you are reading this, but I will underline it anyway, as it is important and it is also good to point out you are already making proactive choices in bettering your future interactions. The first points is to educate yourself, so you can tell a Narcissist beforehand and avoid him or her. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? I guess so, but for the sake of completion, I included this as well.
The second point is - make yourself Narcissist-proof by understanding true self-esteem. I think the best way to describe true self esteem is as profound belief that EVERY living being has intrinsic value as a unique expression of the creative power, and every one of us is to be treated with respect, no matter what is our status or appearances. In other words, there is no need to think that you are better or less than anyone else. IF you make this your real life motto and avoid engaging Ego-driven people on the level that will suck you into their drama, than it is very unlikely that you are going to appeal to, and as a consequence, be hurt by a Narcissist. Their egos thrive on completion-driven drama, and if you are over those games, than they will not find anything to draw you in.
The third point I would like to discuss is a very important one, and though I have talked about it in my other videos, I feel compelled to highlight it again. Please, DO NOT ignore or excuse warning signs. IF you notice something that doesn't feel or sound right - take time to honestly evaluate it. It will save you lots of grief and time in the future. If you see the person treating a waiter or a sub-ordinate condescendingly, if you see them kicking their pet or telling insensitive jokes - take notice. What a person does when they think it is of no consequence says a lot about them. Think about it: would a goodhearted, compassionate person really laugh at another's misfortune? Would they find their "superior" position so intoxicating that they had to put others down just to feel more important? Can you really trust a person who seems to delight in feeling "better-than"? The trickiest situations will present a mixed bag of good and not-so-good qualities and opportunities all mixed up.
For example, I recently met a brilliant, energetic, driven man who also acts appallingly patronizing and disrespectful toward his girlfriend. He also finds my company very desirable and never allows such behavior towards me. Starved for intellectually stimulating company as I was, I quickly realized that should I accept his interest and his many "favors" at the start of our relationship, I will only be in for a familiar ride of "idealization-devaluation" and before long I will be treated the same way, if not worse, than his loyal girlfriend is treated now. I allowed myself no excuses and no second guesses as I made for a quick exit. MY body instantly felt more relaxed and uplifted, which had only confirmed what I already knew to be true, no matter how attractive his energy, drive and conversational skills might have been.
Time to move on to our forth point: once you have seen the "red flags" make every effort to distance yourself, do not engage in any kind of meaningful contact, even if you must interact socially, and, if you have already entered the relationship, exit as soon as possible. In most cases, there is no point in confronting the Narcissist with "the truth", as it will only lead to more engagement, confusion and emotional entanglements. Just chalk it up to be "lesson learned" an move on as quickly and efficiently as possible. Remember that your job is to protect and uplift yourself - you are not obligated to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's sole benefit.
Point number five deals with the situation when complete severance of relationship is not possible:
Be firm on your rights and boundaries, establish clear rules for what you will and will not tolerate and NEVER waiver on those. The last part is important, because Narcissists, somewhat like children, will take your being lenient once as a signal that they the rules do not really matter all that much to you, and the next time will try every trick in the book to make their way around your boundaries again. Once you said "No" it must be a complete and unwavering No, which will communicate precision and establish firm limits and consequences for breaking those limits in the future.
This brings us to point six: Document every undesirable conduct and inform future sources of support as soon as possible. Now, I know this may sound daunting, but this also is very important in cases of domestic, workplace, or pretty much any other abuse. Even if you feel assaulted and, as a consequence, very confused and traumatized emotionally (something that many abusers count on) - please make an effort of taking the incident very seriously in terms of documenting its occurrence and making it known to appropriate authorities.
For example, if your coworker has been verbally abusive and intimidating, do not wait to inform your supervisor and, if need be, an H R specialist at your company as soon as possible. There is no point in waiting for things to "improve" on their own (they hardly ever do), and the abuser only will take your perceived compliance as a sign of weakness and as a signal to go right ahead and continue or even escalate their abuse.
Tell everyone who may be your potential sources of support when, where and how precisely the incident happened - the more people know, the more of them may act, advocate and testify on your behalf should the matter reach the level of official inquest, as it routinely does. While dealing with authorities, communicate as clearly as you can, resist the urge to "enhance" certain facts in your favor and stir clear of getting overly accusatory or emotional. Now, this last bit may not seem fair, but as a matter of practical advice it will really help you if you do stay calm. Police officers, court officials, high level managers and supervisors are dealing with untold amounts of human drama in their professional lives, and less compassionate ones may be tempted to dismiss your entire testimony if they suspect you are trying to stir events in your favor by appealing to their emotional side. Remember, they are trained to be equally discriminating of both sides of the conflict, and in the effort to do so they may sometimes appear callous, or even downright unreasonable, but this is the way they see their duty and you are better off getting prepared ahead of time and presenting your case in as impersonal and fact-based way as possible.
It is also important to clearly understand your position on the matter, and NEVER waver from it while communicating with authorities. Leave your private ruminating and grieving to your own safe environment - there is not point in sharing your doubts and demonstrating your less-than-complete resolve to authorities. They are likely to just translate it as more of pointless work for them, and try and wiggle their way out of really addressing the matter. Classic example, of course, would be a spouse who calls police to restrain their abusive partner only to start having second thoughts at the precinct and end up not pressing charges or asking to release the offender. To the officers, such situations are a let down and a waste of time, and this is likely to be evident the next time you, or even another victim in the area contacts them. Please do yourself and others a favor and stand firm for your rights, your dignity and your safety.
Finally, if possible, avoid berating and emotionally pressuring the Narcissist, since, by the nature of the disorder, it is more likely to lead to long rage-filled denial-based tirades than to any real progress. Instead, if possible, try and express some understanding and a little bit of compassion towards them, while at the same time re-affirming your boundaries. For example, you may say something like this: "I understand the difficulties you are having, but I must repeat that this behavior is unacceptable to me, no matter what brought it on." This way you are not vilifying or pushing away the person as much as you reject their behavior, and believe it or not, it may make a difference in the amount of emotional push-back you are likely to get. Just keep asserting your right to be treated with respect and dignity and be sure that they understand that you are prepared to do what is necessary to protect those rights, while still having compassion towards them as a person having difficulties handling their emotions and perceptions of others. I think this compassionate attitude, if you are able to muster it, is best kept as a steady emotional background while interacting with the Narcissist, not as a consistently verbalized statement for them to react to. They do not have emotional maturity to handle that type of feedback and are likely to interpret it as condescending and/or patronizing and therefore insulting. However, if kept as an emotional base for every interaction, I believe this attitude can be helpful, even if just in keeping you calm and centered.
Thank you for reading! As usual, I am grateful for your comments.
Thank you for your continuous support. I am wishing you all a blessed day!
Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Dealing with calculating, manipulative Narcissist.
As promised, this post is also on the subject of manipulative, calculating Narcissist.
This time we will discuss the ways to counteract their choices, and a few ways to try and minimize the damage and possibility of future attempts to manipulate you.
Fair warning: many of you may find this tactics a little less than scrupulous and I will be first to admit that in the ideal world none of us should ever stoop down to behaving that way. However, as in my video about leaving a Narcissistic partner, I do want to remind you that you are dealing with extremely self-centered, unfeeling human being who can and will make you feel very sorry indeed if you fail to appreciate who you are dealing with, equip yourself with knowledge and behave accordingly.
Make no mistake - manipulative and calculating Narcissist will not think twice about ruining your reputation, breaking ties with your family members or friends or grinding your self respect and even your very soul to pieces, if that suits their purpose. Such a situation is hardly a time to be overly magnanimous. Anyway, with this preamble taken care of, let us go to the core of the issue.
The situation as follows: you have found out that you are being "played", manipulated or otherwise controlled based on your trust and emotions you have invested in a certain person. As it usually the case, the realization came too late, and you find yourself quite involved in their "plot". What now?
Well first let me back up for a second and discuss the meaning of "manipulation" as I use it here. In my view, manipulation is an elaborate and quite deliberately chosen or constructed plan of action for the purpose of getting a certain objective, goal or needs met. That means that a person would have to do quite a bit of analysis and planning in advance, and then do some adjusting when their scheme is set in motion. In other words, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old when their needs have not been met or when they fear being abandoned does not constitute real manipulation - it is merely a knee-jerk reaction of the magnitude the "offending party" can not even control, let alone plan - and therefore they also can not control the way it would affect your relationship long term and are probably feeling at your mercy at that emotional moment, and justifiably so.
That is quite the opposite of manipulation, in my book, since a truly skilled manipulator would never let the person they have been manipulating realize what have been going on up until the point they have attained the goal and the concealment of their real objective or persona is no longer needed. They would have to plan such a scheme well in advance, and at no point would they have elected to be out of control. Such person's behavior usually is very matter of fact and business-like and emotional outbursts generally do not figure into their schemes, unless our particular manipulative Narcissist has a flair for drama (as in all things theatrical ) and is not afraid to pull a public performance.
Even conceding that they chose to go the "emotional" route, they would still fake it just to the point of attaining a particular goal and not a second further. Consider the following scenario: your partner realizes that their antics have all but destroyed the bond between you and you are getting ready to call it quits. Here is what I would not consider being manipulative behavior, although I know many others would choose to see it as such: your partner makes a huge emotional scene, try to convince you they can not possibly live without you and that if you do leave they may have no other choice but to hurt themselves in order to terminate their misery. Now, they may be exhibiting traits of BPD and may genuinely believe they can not survive without you. In my book, that does not constitute manipulative behavior, even if most level headed adults would be tempted to view it as such. Truly manipulative person would never allow themselves to disintegrate in the pool of tears and beg at your feet not to leave them as some poor lost little child would. The person we are discussing in this first instance is in genuine pain at the moment, and though they might tax your own energy and freedom at their limit, that feeling of burden is not by itself a proof of being manipulated.
Consider another scenario that may look similar to an unsuspected spectator, but which, contrary to the first example, bear all the signs of manipulation. The premise is the same: your spouse or partner realize that you are about to leave them, yet they are depended on you financially or otherwise, and they do not wish to relinquish their cozy situation without a fight. They may try and make their case with you, plainly stating that they do not intend to let you get off easily. Note, unlike in the first example, the partner is in total control of themselves, and, indeed, very likely in control of the whole situation. Suppose you counter that you are set on leaving this time. They act cold and composed while you are saying this, yet dissolve in the state of uncontrollable grief/panic or feigned remorse once your family, pastor or any other influential person in the community or in your life enters the picture. This is a clear case of manipulation and deceit.
Despite of the optics of the situation being very similar - we have seemingly uncontrollably grieving person begging their partner not to leave them - in this second example we have all the signs of real manipulation - the conduct is clearly premeditated, the person has not acted impulsively and is in total control of their own emotional state, behavior and the situation at large - though you may end up looking like an ass for trying to leave such a dedicated, loving spouse at their most vulnerable moment, you know for a fact that you have been played and there is not a drop of truth in what they are trying to "sell" others in order to advance their own goals. That would constitute a clear case of manipulation.
Though, as I said, In my experience most skilled manipulators tend to stay away of emotional displays altogether, and deal instead in cold hard facts and logic. Anyway, thank you for enduring, such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it does help understand what I am about to try and parse for the remainder of the post. As we said, when dealing with skilled manipulator, the first hurdle is that you generally learn about their true intentions and objectives much too late.
Even so, once you are aware of them your only chance of making it out with least damage possible, in my opinion, is to play your cards very close to your chest. At no point you are to confront such a person and demand an honest explanation - you would only be exposing yourself and inviting more deceit and manipulation or even outright intimidation and other unpleasant stuff to follow. Instead, you are advised to play dumb and play along.
Let me explain:
First, you need to privately do the same thing the Narcissist does: you are to assess the situation coldly, with analytical state of mind, and try to figure out the best you can their true ultimate objective and what is it that they are trying to get out of you in the process. Your "contribution" is not always the end result, and so you need to understand both very well. Once you are clear on what is it that the Narcissist wants to get out of you, your job is to convince them that you are incapable of providing it to them to a degree they have hoped, despite your undying loyalty and foremost admiration for them (sarc.)
You see, we are truly doing what Narcissist do when they set out to exploit other people's weaknesses: we are going to exploit their own. By the very nature of their disorder, the Narcissist are prone to believing that they are by far the smartest and shrewdest person around, as well as the one deserving of unlimited praise and loyalty. So if we are to play along by pretending not to be smart enough to serve their purpose, while simultaneously feeding their ego, they will probably conclude they have made a mistake in choosing you to do their bidding and soon move on in search of the better candidate.
Say your boss likes to use your work and present it as his own. Contact a manager to whom your boss reports and politely ask them advice on including particular data your report and which data in their opinion would be most accurate etc. or whatever else would fit your situation, making the it as specific and memorable as possible. The point is to make them aware that you are the one responsible for the report. If well received, send a copy of the report with relevant areas highlighted prior to "official" presentation for their approval. Should your boss try and present your report as his own work later on, he will end up with an egg on his face, and you will always have the cover of simply being overly eager to do a great job. Possibilities are endless, the key rule is to engage the Narcissist on his own terms since being upfront only gives him more opportunities to mess you up.
In the example of manipulative spouse the approach would be to concede their right to forever control you and your marriage as convincingly as you can and therefore pacify them before they really start fighting. While they are resting on their laurels, you would be wise to consult a lawyer, community leader, police officer and whoever else you find applicable in the effort to precede them and therefore take away their chance to "set up" the stage the way they want. Provided, the situation involving spouses and family are among the most difficult and I did not set out to discuss it in this video, I still want to try and illustrate the same approach even in the most puzzling circumstances.
Generally, the idea is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try and operate from the most impartial, unemotional perspective you can manage, and then be brave, keep your end objective in mind and believe that your own determination and courage will see you through!
This time we will discuss the ways to counteract their choices, and a few ways to try and minimize the damage and possibility of future attempts to manipulate you.
Fair warning: many of you may find this tactics a little less than scrupulous and I will be first to admit that in the ideal world none of us should ever stoop down to behaving that way. However, as in my video about leaving a Narcissistic partner, I do want to remind you that you are dealing with extremely self-centered, unfeeling human being who can and will make you feel very sorry indeed if you fail to appreciate who you are dealing with, equip yourself with knowledge and behave accordingly.
Make no mistake - manipulative and calculating Narcissist will not think twice about ruining your reputation, breaking ties with your family members or friends or grinding your self respect and even your very soul to pieces, if that suits their purpose. Such a situation is hardly a time to be overly magnanimous. Anyway, with this preamble taken care of, let us go to the core of the issue.
The situation as follows: you have found out that you are being "played", manipulated or otherwise controlled based on your trust and emotions you have invested in a certain person. As it usually the case, the realization came too late, and you find yourself quite involved in their "plot". What now?
Well first let me back up for a second and discuss the meaning of "manipulation" as I use it here. In my view, manipulation is an elaborate and quite deliberately chosen or constructed plan of action for the purpose of getting a certain objective, goal or needs met. That means that a person would have to do quite a bit of analysis and planning in advance, and then do some adjusting when their scheme is set in motion. In other words, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old when their needs have not been met or when they fear being abandoned does not constitute real manipulation - it is merely a knee-jerk reaction of the magnitude the "offending party" can not even control, let alone plan - and therefore they also can not control the way it would affect your relationship long term and are probably feeling at your mercy at that emotional moment, and justifiably so.
That is quite the opposite of manipulation, in my book, since a truly skilled manipulator would never let the person they have been manipulating realize what have been going on up until the point they have attained the goal and the concealment of their real objective or persona is no longer needed. They would have to plan such a scheme well in advance, and at no point would they have elected to be out of control. Such person's behavior usually is very matter of fact and business-like and emotional outbursts generally do not figure into their schemes, unless our particular manipulative Narcissist has a flair for drama (as in all things theatrical ) and is not afraid to pull a public performance.
Even conceding that they chose to go the "emotional" route, they would still fake it just to the point of attaining a particular goal and not a second further. Consider the following scenario: your partner realizes that their antics have all but destroyed the bond between you and you are getting ready to call it quits. Here is what I would not consider being manipulative behavior, although I know many others would choose to see it as such: your partner makes a huge emotional scene, try to convince you they can not possibly live without you and that if you do leave they may have no other choice but to hurt themselves in order to terminate their misery. Now, they may be exhibiting traits of BPD and may genuinely believe they can not survive without you. In my book, that does not constitute manipulative behavior, even if most level headed adults would be tempted to view it as such. Truly manipulative person would never allow themselves to disintegrate in the pool of tears and beg at your feet not to leave them as some poor lost little child would. The person we are discussing in this first instance is in genuine pain at the moment, and though they might tax your own energy and freedom at their limit, that feeling of burden is not by itself a proof of being manipulated.
Consider another scenario that may look similar to an unsuspected spectator, but which, contrary to the first example, bear all the signs of manipulation. The premise is the same: your spouse or partner realize that you are about to leave them, yet they are depended on you financially or otherwise, and they do not wish to relinquish their cozy situation without a fight. They may try and make their case with you, plainly stating that they do not intend to let you get off easily. Note, unlike in the first example, the partner is in total control of themselves, and, indeed, very likely in control of the whole situation. Suppose you counter that you are set on leaving this time. They act cold and composed while you are saying this, yet dissolve in the state of uncontrollable grief/panic or feigned remorse once your family, pastor or any other influential person in the community or in your life enters the picture. This is a clear case of manipulation and deceit.
Despite of the optics of the situation being very similar - we have seemingly uncontrollably grieving person begging their partner not to leave them - in this second example we have all the signs of real manipulation - the conduct is clearly premeditated, the person has not acted impulsively and is in total control of their own emotional state, behavior and the situation at large - though you may end up looking like an ass for trying to leave such a dedicated, loving spouse at their most vulnerable moment, you know for a fact that you have been played and there is not a drop of truth in what they are trying to "sell" others in order to advance their own goals. That would constitute a clear case of manipulation.
Though, as I said, In my experience most skilled manipulators tend to stay away of emotional displays altogether, and deal instead in cold hard facts and logic. Anyway, thank you for enduring, such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it does help understand what I am about to try and parse for the remainder of the post. As we said, when dealing with skilled manipulator, the first hurdle is that you generally learn about their true intentions and objectives much too late.
Even so, once you are aware of them your only chance of making it out with least damage possible, in my opinion, is to play your cards very close to your chest. At no point you are to confront such a person and demand an honest explanation - you would only be exposing yourself and inviting more deceit and manipulation or even outright intimidation and other unpleasant stuff to follow. Instead, you are advised to play dumb and play along.
Let me explain:
First, you need to privately do the same thing the Narcissist does: you are to assess the situation coldly, with analytical state of mind, and try to figure out the best you can their true ultimate objective and what is it that they are trying to get out of you in the process. Your "contribution" is not always the end result, and so you need to understand both very well. Once you are clear on what is it that the Narcissist wants to get out of you, your job is to convince them that you are incapable of providing it to them to a degree they have hoped, despite your undying loyalty and foremost admiration for them (sarc.)
You see, we are truly doing what Narcissist do when they set out to exploit other people's weaknesses: we are going to exploit their own. By the very nature of their disorder, the Narcissist are prone to believing that they are by far the smartest and shrewdest person around, as well as the one deserving of unlimited praise and loyalty. So if we are to play along by pretending not to be smart enough to serve their purpose, while simultaneously feeding their ego, they will probably conclude they have made a mistake in choosing you to do their bidding and soon move on in search of the better candidate.
Say your boss likes to use your work and present it as his own. Contact a manager to whom your boss reports and politely ask them advice on including particular data your report and which data in their opinion would be most accurate etc. or whatever else would fit your situation, making the it as specific and memorable as possible. The point is to make them aware that you are the one responsible for the report. If well received, send a copy of the report with relevant areas highlighted prior to "official" presentation for their approval. Should your boss try and present your report as his own work later on, he will end up with an egg on his face, and you will always have the cover of simply being overly eager to do a great job. Possibilities are endless, the key rule is to engage the Narcissist on his own terms since being upfront only gives him more opportunities to mess you up.
In the example of manipulative spouse the approach would be to concede their right to forever control you and your marriage as convincingly as you can and therefore pacify them before they really start fighting. While they are resting on their laurels, you would be wise to consult a lawyer, community leader, police officer and whoever else you find applicable in the effort to precede them and therefore take away their chance to "set up" the stage the way they want. Provided, the situation involving spouses and family are among the most difficult and I did not set out to discuss it in this video, I still want to try and illustrate the same approach even in the most puzzling circumstances.
Generally, the idea is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try and operate from the most impartial, unemotional perspective you can manage, and then be brave, keep your end objective in mind and believe that your own determination and courage will see you through!
Friday, November 2, 2012
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