I was going over some material related to NPD and found one interesting thought (I am hesitant to quote because this particular excerpt is in Russian, and it is rather long and academical which makes it difficult to translate...) Anyway - the main idea is that a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder possesses a false sense of their own importance and entitlement, as well as a tendency to mistrust and (here is the interesting part) therefore finds it difficult to ask for what they need directly. I am assuming that is because they feel like people around them should realize what is it that they need and put that agenda front and center. In addition to that, some of their deeper emotional needs, are intimidating, as they make an NPD sufferer feel extremely vulnerable and confused. It's a, small wonder than that a Narcissist avoids discussing their needs directly, hoping and fantasising about a special time and persons who would be able to figure it all out.
Of course, in real life such "ideal" state of things is hardly possible, yet Narcissists find it extremely challenging, even humiliating to come out and say out loud what is it that they are requesting. NPD-affected people routinely resort to manipulation, lies, all sorts of tricks in order to bring about fulfilment of their supposed needs and goals without having to ask and therefore expose themselves (and their fragile pseudo-egos) to the risk of being denied (read humiliated.)
I found this view both fresh and helpful. It certainly rings true for me. I immediately concluded that I should challenge myself more to talk about my needs and feelings in the open and therefore expose myself to a natural outcome, rather than trying to plan, scheme and control my way into a guaranteed result regardless of the needs and wishes of the other person.
On my channel's discussion boards and in private messages, I often get questions from people who recognise certain Narcissistic traits in themselves. The most common one is - how can I deal with it and make it less hard on myself and others? I feel like this is a rare chance for me to give a clear "prescription" - do challenge yourself to express more of your real needs, feelings and thoughts even if that means to expose yourself to less-than-desirable (immediate) outcomes. Because in the long run you clear out your own inner "backed up" mental and emotional debris - the ones prevent you from healthy relating to your own self and that of others.
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Another look on therapy for Narcissism
While conducting research for my book, I came across this interesting work on the subject:
http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf
Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.
I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.
http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf
Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.
I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
More on psychopathy and its relationship with Narcissism
Here is a quote from Hervey Milton Cleckley, M.D. famous book - The Mask of Sanity, that describes the difficulty psychopathic people experience with deriving meaning from their lives the way a normal people do. While psychopathy is a deeper and more troubling condition than Narcissism (though lines are blurry when we are talking about extreme cases of NPD.) I can not help but see some parallels when it comes to socially appropriate behavior:
"He (the psychopath - NPDrecovery note) cannot achieve true and abiding loyalty to any principle or any person.
He is not adequately moved and he does not find subjective stimuli to make the major issues of life matter sufficiently to promote consistent striving."
In other words, the difficulty lies with not being able to connect and produce emotional satisfaction (or distress) from upholding (or violating) one's values, since values and by extension, rules that protect those values are not given serious consideration in the first place.
What most people find hard to understand is, in effect, a very simple concept: psychopaths and, to some extend, Narcissist behave in a certain way because there is no "barrier" to hold them from violating particular principles. In fact, they do not see it as violating at all, since there are no such values/principles in their world...
For us breaking someone's heart, betraying trust or taking advantage of a person's kindness is unthinkable, but for them it is just a matter of opportunity to fulfill their needs.
Once again, I see a big difference between psychopathy and NPD, but they are, in effect, within one spectrum (if on the different areas) of a disturbed mind and so one can perceive similarities even when equating the two would be too much of an assumption...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
What is self-respect, self-acceptance and self-love?
Today's topic is a little intriguing for me too, since I do not claim to know the complete answer to the questions I pose, but rather I share with you what I learned on the subject, and am looking forward to hearing what you guys think as well.
Just about every self-help and self-improvement program out there preaches self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance. However, not surprisingly, for a person who has been lacking in those areas and is coming from the background where those mental attitudes and skills were missing as well, these concepts are not easy to fully process and understand. I find that sometimes it is easier to see materials explaining why it is important, than the once telling you more about how the process of greater self-love and self-acceptance actually works.
For the longest time it puzzled and even somewhat bothered me as well, especially the concept of self-love. "How can I love MYSELF?!" - I used to exclaim with exasperation. Love is something you experience as coming towards you or from you. Say, someone smiles at you and looks at you lovingly - you feel like you are worthy of affection and loved. Same when you do truly appreciate someone - you express it with your actions and/or words and then they feel these good feelings reverberate. So how can you do it for yourself - it doesn't make any sense...
If you had that emotion in you, you would already feel it without having to "send" it over to yourself, and if you are lacking it, then by default you do not have anything to send, do you? You see how my confusion played out. Because I and naturally inclined to logically work out and analyze everything, I clearly could not make head or tail out of this, until, at last I stumbled on the question of identity.
Of course!! When I was so puzzled as to meaning of those calls for greater self-love, I failed to consider that I might have a broader concept of my own identity. Since I do not really have time to go on more about those somewhat philosophical aspects, I will leave you with this hint and hope that those you find such explorations interesting will easily pick it up from here.
But, staying on the topic of self-love and understanding it from more practical point of view, I, at last, settled on a different expression when attempting to explain this. Instead of saying we should love ourselves more, I propose that we open ourselves up to the love that exist in the Universe, and that still nourishes and sustains us despite all of the self-doubt or self-hurt that we generate. So for me it is a question of simply allowing more of the good stuff to come in into my life, taking down the obstacles on its path.
That also means no longer defending against any new input at all, positive or not, out of fear, which used to be my habit. Of course, once we feel loved in this more profound way, it becomes easier to radiate that kind of love from within, which set off a much more positive and fulfilling cycle than self-denial and limitation ever could.
Now, having somewhat covered self-love (and I really would like your opinions on the subject too), moving on to sense of self-respect and self acceptance. For the latter, my opinion is that self-acceptance really involves acceptance of our shortcomings and limitations, as well as our good qualities.
We, of course, live in the culture that continuously strives for bigger, faster and better and encourages individuals to do the same. However, as many of us learn, if left unchecked, this type of never enough attitude is more likely lead to total burn out and nervous breakdown than world domination.
While this type of never-ending strive is good for business, it, in my opinion, lacks in respect to natural ways life operates. Every human being needs some time to recuperate and some space to be able to be less than perfect and make mistakes. Too often type "A" personalities disregard that simple truth and drive themselves too hard in the pursuit of that illusive "perfection". However, denying your own needs can have a very high price, as many of us will only find out too late. Self-acceptance then, helps to maintain healthy balance and nourishes our self enough to keep going while feeling well. That is self-acceptance the way I see it, and much of it, I must confess, is purely theoretical so far, as I am absolutely terrible at accepting my own limitations, and expect myself to always perform perfectly which, of course, rarely happens and then beating myself up mercilessly for every little thing that went wrong.
In my family, my worth was always judged on my performance and so i can see where this way of behaving must have originated, and why it is so hard to get rid if it despite all of the good reasoning. The other end of this unbalanced behavior is of course, total burn out where I finally succumb to exhaustion
and simply let everything happen as it may, relinquishing any responsibility. Of course, none of this is healthy or helpful and so learning to accept myself is high on my list.
Alright, time to move to the last part of today's topic - self respect. I guess this one was the easiest one for me to figure out, or at least so I think. Of course, self-respect means recognizing once own value. This did not come as easily to me, and I think we somewhat covered this topic in the previous videos. Here, I will briefly note that for me, sheer fact that we still exist and that the force that created us still sustains our daily needs and therefore believes in our ability to improve and contribute, or even the fact that we are an inseparable part of this magnificent Universe is proof enough.
However, there is another special meaning that self-respect holds for me, and I think this particular one affected me greatly. You see, while I was able to admit I have many unpleasant and downright unhealthy tendencies of a Narcissist, concealing the truth was never a significant part of my arsenal.I simply do not tolerate myself intentionally misleading someone, unless they were first to try and take advantage of me.
I feel equally strong, or perhaps even stronger about lying to myself. For me, self-respect first and foremost means being honest with oneself. Because our cognitive function is easier understood in terms of differentiating between parts of self - we all know that other "voice" in our head that does not really feel like our core selves, but rather like some "other" part talking to another, professionals sometimes call that part Super Ego - it was easier for me to understand how one can try and conceal certain truths from another part of self, and I strive continuously to keep as much integrity in that way as possible.
That, of course, does not equal being a hundred percent aware of all of the "secrets" my subconscious holds - it it were the case indeed, I would not have to struggle with all the issues I have been talking about in this series. I am simply saying is that once a certain fact reaches my conscious mind I try my best to keep it in light and in focus, and do not let myself to conceal the "inconvenient truth" again, simply because it is more comfortable.
So, to me, at the root of self-respect lies self-awareness in a way that less-than-savory parts, once discovered, are acknowledged and processed and not staffed-down. I feel like this "core" discipline, when exercised, gives one enough strength to stand up to external challenges to their self-respect as well. It is almost like our internal "cleaning" gives us stronger immune system to ward off the less-than healthy input that comes from outside. Perhaps this is the only quality that kept me from going over-the-cliff as far as Narcissism or other imbalances, because absence of at least minimal self-awareness and willingness to act on it will make one "unreachable" to any kind of new input, and by extension, any kind of improvement indeed.
Of course, ability to stand up for oneself, put up healthy boundaries and determine when to exit a damaging situation or relationship are all signs of healthy self-esteem and therefore also signs of respecting oneself. However, I feel that at core of it all lies an ability to see your truth and act on it. So this is my take on the three skills/ attitudes often called for when trying to reach more emotional balance.
Until just a few days ago, I could honestly say I have never have given it much thought (other than the concept of self-love, which, as I said, used to bother me plenty). Thanks to this project and to you guys, I am once having to think-through and articulate some of the basic concepts of self-discovery and greater self-awareness, and therefore I have to thank you for this opportunity to share and learn at the same time. Thank you again for commenting and supporting this project in any way you see fit. I am grateful and impressed with you guys every time. As always, best wishes to you! Take good care!
Here is a video from NPDrecovery channel that goes over the same material discussed in this post:
Thanks again for visiting - all the best to you!
Just about every self-help and self-improvement program out there preaches self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance. However, not surprisingly, for a person who has been lacking in those areas and is coming from the background where those mental attitudes and skills were missing as well, these concepts are not easy to fully process and understand. I find that sometimes it is easier to see materials explaining why it is important, than the once telling you more about how the process of greater self-love and self-acceptance actually works.
For the longest time it puzzled and even somewhat bothered me as well, especially the concept of self-love. "How can I love MYSELF?!" - I used to exclaim with exasperation. Love is something you experience as coming towards you or from you. Say, someone smiles at you and looks at you lovingly - you feel like you are worthy of affection and loved. Same when you do truly appreciate someone - you express it with your actions and/or words and then they feel these good feelings reverberate. So how can you do it for yourself - it doesn't make any sense...
If you had that emotion in you, you would already feel it without having to "send" it over to yourself, and if you are lacking it, then by default you do not have anything to send, do you? You see how my confusion played out. Because I and naturally inclined to logically work out and analyze everything, I clearly could not make head or tail out of this, until, at last I stumbled on the question of identity.
Of course!! When I was so puzzled as to meaning of those calls for greater self-love, I failed to consider that I might have a broader concept of my own identity. Since I do not really have time to go on more about those somewhat philosophical aspects, I will leave you with this hint and hope that those you find such explorations interesting will easily pick it up from here.
But, staying on the topic of self-love and understanding it from more practical point of view, I, at last, settled on a different expression when attempting to explain this. Instead of saying we should love ourselves more, I propose that we open ourselves up to the love that exist in the Universe, and that still nourishes and sustains us despite all of the self-doubt or self-hurt that we generate. So for me it is a question of simply allowing more of the good stuff to come in into my life, taking down the obstacles on its path.
That also means no longer defending against any new input at all, positive or not, out of fear, which used to be my habit. Of course, once we feel loved in this more profound way, it becomes easier to radiate that kind of love from within, which set off a much more positive and fulfilling cycle than self-denial and limitation ever could.
Now, having somewhat covered self-love (and I really would like your opinions on the subject too), moving on to sense of self-respect and self acceptance. For the latter, my opinion is that self-acceptance really involves acceptance of our shortcomings and limitations, as well as our good qualities.
We, of course, live in the culture that continuously strives for bigger, faster and better and encourages individuals to do the same. However, as many of us learn, if left unchecked, this type of never enough attitude is more likely lead to total burn out and nervous breakdown than world domination.
While this type of never-ending strive is good for business, it, in my opinion, lacks in respect to natural ways life operates. Every human being needs some time to recuperate and some space to be able to be less than perfect and make mistakes. Too often type "A" personalities disregard that simple truth and drive themselves too hard in the pursuit of that illusive "perfection". However, denying your own needs can have a very high price, as many of us will only find out too late. Self-acceptance then, helps to maintain healthy balance and nourishes our self enough to keep going while feeling well. That is self-acceptance the way I see it, and much of it, I must confess, is purely theoretical so far, as I am absolutely terrible at accepting my own limitations, and expect myself to always perform perfectly which, of course, rarely happens and then beating myself up mercilessly for every little thing that went wrong.
In my family, my worth was always judged on my performance and so i can see where this way of behaving must have originated, and why it is so hard to get rid if it despite all of the good reasoning. The other end of this unbalanced behavior is of course, total burn out where I finally succumb to exhaustion
and simply let everything happen as it may, relinquishing any responsibility. Of course, none of this is healthy or helpful and so learning to accept myself is high on my list.
Alright, time to move to the last part of today's topic - self respect. I guess this one was the easiest one for me to figure out, or at least so I think. Of course, self-respect means recognizing once own value. This did not come as easily to me, and I think we somewhat covered this topic in the previous videos. Here, I will briefly note that for me, sheer fact that we still exist and that the force that created us still sustains our daily needs and therefore believes in our ability to improve and contribute, or even the fact that we are an inseparable part of this magnificent Universe is proof enough.
However, there is another special meaning that self-respect holds for me, and I think this particular one affected me greatly. You see, while I was able to admit I have many unpleasant and downright unhealthy tendencies of a Narcissist, concealing the truth was never a significant part of my arsenal.I simply do not tolerate myself intentionally misleading someone, unless they were first to try and take advantage of me.
I feel equally strong, or perhaps even stronger about lying to myself. For me, self-respect first and foremost means being honest with oneself. Because our cognitive function is easier understood in terms of differentiating between parts of self - we all know that other "voice" in our head that does not really feel like our core selves, but rather like some "other" part talking to another, professionals sometimes call that part Super Ego - it was easier for me to understand how one can try and conceal certain truths from another part of self, and I strive continuously to keep as much integrity in that way as possible.
That, of course, does not equal being a hundred percent aware of all of the "secrets" my subconscious holds - it it were the case indeed, I would not have to struggle with all the issues I have been talking about in this series. I am simply saying is that once a certain fact reaches my conscious mind I try my best to keep it in light and in focus, and do not let myself to conceal the "inconvenient truth" again, simply because it is more comfortable.
So, to me, at the root of self-respect lies self-awareness in a way that less-than-savory parts, once discovered, are acknowledged and processed and not staffed-down. I feel like this "core" discipline, when exercised, gives one enough strength to stand up to external challenges to their self-respect as well. It is almost like our internal "cleaning" gives us stronger immune system to ward off the less-than healthy input that comes from outside. Perhaps this is the only quality that kept me from going over-the-cliff as far as Narcissism or other imbalances, because absence of at least minimal self-awareness and willingness to act on it will make one "unreachable" to any kind of new input, and by extension, any kind of improvement indeed.
Of course, ability to stand up for oneself, put up healthy boundaries and determine when to exit a damaging situation or relationship are all signs of healthy self-esteem and therefore also signs of respecting oneself. However, I feel that at core of it all lies an ability to see your truth and act on it. So this is my take on the three skills/ attitudes often called for when trying to reach more emotional balance.
Until just a few days ago, I could honestly say I have never have given it much thought (other than the concept of self-love, which, as I said, used to bother me plenty). Thanks to this project and to you guys, I am once having to think-through and articulate some of the basic concepts of self-discovery and greater self-awareness, and therefore I have to thank you for this opportunity to share and learn at the same time. Thank you again for commenting and supporting this project in any way you see fit. I am grateful and impressed with you guys every time. As always, best wishes to you! Take good care!
Here is a video from NPDrecovery channel that goes over the same material discussed in this post:
-
Thanks again for visiting - all the best to you!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Daughters of Narcissistic mothers: my best wish for you is to find your own light
As daughters of Narcissistic mothers, we have been challenged to a fit that seems to be very hard to pull off: we must find the way to nurture ourselves, instead of looking for our mothers to assist us our growing, learning and gaining confidence. Whereas other babies and then kids have the luxury of their loving and caring parents "holding them up" to grow and develop to their best, we must do the difficult work of "growing up" internally, on our own.
As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us. And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...
The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.
Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you) has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.
And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.
Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you!
As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us. And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...
The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.
Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you) has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.
And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.
Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Narcissistic Mother
Today's topic is particularly difficult for me to discuss, because it lies at the heart of my struggle with Narcissism. It is the topic of Narcissistic mothers, and their nothing short of devastating effects on her children's life. This topic is important to so many, that I decided to work on it even if it more personally disturbing than usual. I want to apologize in advance, since I am going to use my own experience to illustrate what it is like to be brought up by a Narcissistic mother, and some of the details can be intense and unpleasant.
It makes me furious even now to remember all the times my mother would completely destroy me emotionally in private, than come out smiling, good-humored, if a little patronizing toward me, and start telling all present about my latest achievements in school so that everyone would realize what an exceptional mother she was. Honestly, at the time I was so confused and so reliant on other people's opinions that I took everyone else's world for it and believed that I should be grateful for a mother like her. Only after years and years of working through severe depression, hurt and deep sense of inadequacy I started to realize that I actually can not even remember experiencing anything other than a sense of shame, guilt, discomfort, and even some kind of repulsion toward my mother, along with an intense urge to move away from her physically.
Thank you for visiting! I sincerely appreciate your time, attention, and comments! Stay well!
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It has been said that being raised by a Narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. The negative effects of emotional abuse are so severe that a person often struggles with extremely low opinion of themselves, unsatisfying relationship and rocky, difficult romantic partnerships for their entire lives. Worst yet, realization that your mother did not really care or loved you at all is such a difficult one, that many people spend most of their energy trying to run away from that notion, blocking the very path that could bring some relief and begin the process of recovery.
I know from my own first-hand experience just how harmful being brought up by a Narcissistic mother can be. To make matters worse, ours was a one-parent household and my mother didn't bother to keep good relationship with most of her own family, and so we did not have a benefit of a presence of another, more level-headed and caring adult. Taxing and abusive as she was, our mother was all we had, and, being small kids, we loved her dearly, so we never could imagine that she was at fault. It is only after I have lived on another continent for many years, and had a chance to observe all the supportive, caring relationship other families had, that I began to realize just what was missing from my childhood experience.
Gradually I started to understand why it was so difficult for me to feel like I belong, have value and can contribute something positive to the world. For the longest time I have been treated as unfortunate nuisance, something to be barely tolerated, and constantly reminded of what great sacrifice it was having to raise me. Of course, all of that was done underhandedly, in a way that made sure the message came through loud and clear, yet others could not easily detect it.
It makes me furious even now to remember all the times my mother would completely destroy me emotionally in private, than come out smiling, good-humored, if a little patronizing toward me, and start telling all present about my latest achievements in school so that everyone would realize what an exceptional mother she was. Honestly, at the time I was so confused and so reliant on other people's opinions that I took everyone else's world for it and believed that I should be grateful for a mother like her. Only after years and years of working through severe depression, hurt and deep sense of inadequacy I started to realize that I actually can not even remember experiencing anything other than a sense of shame, guilt, discomfort, and even some kind of repulsion toward my mother, along with an intense urge to move away from her physically.
Never once I remember being lovingly looked at or embraced by my mother - not once in my entire childhood! Imagine my bewilderment, then when she acted completely betrayed and devastated when I took the first chance I had to moved out from her house at 16. Here was the same woman who made an awful scene almost everyday, crying and wailing about how ungrateful, useless and callous I am, how she should have had an abortion and never have bothered bringing me into this world, and how she would be better off dead, and perhaps she will still consider hanging herself and she wished an alcoholic mother on both of me and my brother so that we would learn to appreciate what she had to give and on and on. She routinely cursed and shamed me, calling me every disgusting word in the book without any proportion to a supposed "offence" I was guilty of - like not saying a "thank you" quick enough after a meal or something. When I was smaller 6 or 7, I rushed to her, cried with her and swore that I cared and I loved her and I would do anything she wanted just for her to stop crying, and made profuse apologies and amends for whatever set her off at the time.
Then, when I reached my teenage years, I started questioning what have I done to deserve such a severe response and even tell her that I do not remember asking her to bring me into this world, and therefore can not be held responsible, and that, come to think about it, I would rather her not given me birth at all than having to live this way. All of the surface bolstering and teenage rebelling aside, I nevertheless suffered terrible shame and guilt every time I saw my mother upset, as well as felt deeply inadequate because I couldn't help her and make her happy. While wisecracking on the surface, I was very disturbed and, of course, nowhere near discovering the true reason behind those scenes - a power trip, plain old desire to emotionally destroy and control. Only much later I started to realize that regardless of what she said and how hard she tried to portray herself as caring and self-sacrificing, my mother routinely made many decisions and acted in a way that betrayed her lack of concern for her kid's well-being. Though I was completely blind to that hurtful truth as a child, I now can clearly see it. Perhaps one of most telling of such decisions was her constant moving herself and her two small children to city after city, across the whole country, uprooting us from our schools, our friends, familiar environments time and time again just to have the last word in her numerous romantic relationships. My mother literally could not stand any length of time without being romantically involved with somebody, anybody - no matter how unsuitable to her life situation the person might be.
She has found herself in all kinds of trouble time and again, and the fact that she had two small children never stopped her from" "asserting herself" through fighting, ignoring or leaving her partner, which meant loosing our fathers for both me and my brother (we each had a different one), and it also meant less and less financial and physical security with every such episode. Even so, I have never questioned my mothers judgement while living through this. Ironically, is when I was once trying to re-establish our connection as an adult that she volunteered a reason for one particularly traumatic move, where I was robbed of any contact with my loving farther by virtue of us moving across the country, and where I forever lost any chance to go to a decent school and have a musical and performance art education for which I showed a lot of promise.
At age of 7 I had a good school, a lot of caring teachers around me and contact with my estranged farther and his family. Suddenly we had moved to a some god-forsaken town where I spend next 8 years weeding plants and feeding animals (not that there is anything wrong with that), loosing any chance at a decent education and professional career. And, of course, I, in effect lost my farther once more, since I was not able to have any contact with him. I had always assumed there was a very good reason for us suddenly uprooting and moving like that. Imagine my surprise, when in our adult conversation my mother confided that her then-lover got cold feet being involved with a woman older than him who had already had two kids of her own (that's my mother), and left for about a year to make up his mind, leaving her suddenly, without a chance to make her case and assuming she will be there when he gets back. Wrong move! To spite him and assert her independence, my mother yanked me and my brother out of school and from the place we knew, and moved from a big city to an agricultural heartland since that's where she could easily find a place to live.
At age of 7 I had a good school, a lot of caring teachers around me and contact with my estranged farther and his family. Suddenly we had moved to a some god-forsaken town where I spend next 8 years weeding plants and feeding animals (not that there is anything wrong with that), loosing any chance at a decent education and professional career. And, of course, I, in effect lost my farther once more, since I was not able to have any contact with him. I had always assumed there was a very good reason for us suddenly uprooting and moving like that. Imagine my surprise, when in our adult conversation my mother confided that her then-lover got cold feet being involved with a woman older than him who had already had two kids of her own (that's my mother), and left for about a year to make up his mind, leaving her suddenly, without a chance to make her case and assuming she will be there when he gets back. Wrong move! To spite him and assert her independence, my mother yanked me and my brother out of school and from the place we knew, and moved from a big city to an agricultural heartland since that's where she could easily find a place to live.
And the kicker is, that I don't think my mother realized, not then, not now, not as she was telling me the story, that she has dramatically affected both of our worlds, and forever changed her kids life without giving it any consideration whatsoever. Just to prove a point!
Neither did she worry about her then lover's true feelings, which she demonstrated when the poor fellow showed at our new location just to find her married again, or her previous husbands for that matter, whom she also deemed "defective" and discarded with no second thought.
While we were too young to understand, subconsciously my mother must have realize something was amiss with her parenting style, and would have most definitely received those signals form other people, so she worked extra hard to keep our view on her and on life in general under very tight control. She had to make sure there is no way we would be able to realize that the mental and emotional abuse we were experiencing wasn't normal, that were other happy, healthy families around us. She kept talking to us about how so and so was inferior intellectually, or morally, how their joyful disposition was only a pretense and how that parent was drinking, and another too pushy and so on.
She continuously made fun of her sister's parenting skills, even though her sister was the only one trying to help her at the time. My mother was always quick to point out everyone else's weaknesses, which, she thought, made her look even more infallible Of course, when she played with our impressionable children's minds we believed her - it is only natural for a little girl or a boy to look up to their mother. She was so successful with this "mind control" game that I did not even begin to realize what really has happened to me until I was well into my adulthood. And even then that was just the very beginning of the recovery.
She continuously made fun of her sister's parenting skills, even though her sister was the only one trying to help her at the time. My mother was always quick to point out everyone else's weaknesses, which, she thought, made her look even more infallible Of course, when she played with our impressionable children's minds we believed her - it is only natural for a little girl or a boy to look up to their mother. She was so successful with this "mind control" game that I did not even begin to realize what really has happened to me until I was well into my adulthood. And even then that was just the very beginning of the recovery.
This video recaps the same info that you have read in this post, but I thought I'd still share it so you can have an access to many kind and insightful comments it received, as well as other people's personal accounts of being raised by Narcissistic parents.
Learn more about the topic of Narcissistic mothers here
Learn more about the topic of Narcissistic mothers here
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