As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us. And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...
The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.
Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you) has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.
And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.
Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you!
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