Depression - three major components and why they CAN be transformed. Part 1.

Depression sucks - plain and simple. If you ever had the misfortune to be affected by the decease,
I did not have to tell you this (other than to validate your experience). Others - the ones who have never been through it, however, find it difficult to relate to a depressed person's experience, and some even go so far as to doubt that the real problem exists. "Pull yourself together" - they say - "Snap out of it!" As if the person suffering through the darkest moments of their live have simply failed to recognize the need to "snap out". Clearly, if they had what it took to get out of their miserable state, they would have done so without any reminders! You do not exactly tell a person with a broken leg to pull themselves together and start walking as everyone else does. With depression,  however, as it is often the case with emotional and mental conditions, most observers simply fail to see the link.

Frustrating as it is, do not let them discourage you, or make you more feel more inadequate and likely to blame yourself. Depression is real, it requires some real work (utilizing some real science) to recover, but the best thing is - it is entirely withing your reach to start feeling better.

I am the living proof that one can overcome the darkest states without the help of pharmaceuticals, though the path by no means has been an easy one. Just to let you know that this was indeed serious,
I have been diagnosed with chronic and severe depression, and I have made a few attempts on my life early on. However, as the time went on, I learned how to overcome the worst periods, how to cope, how to function (though, sometimes, barely) and - best of all - how to slowly but surely get better over time.

Recently, my close friend had become extremely depressed, and since I have been through the state, I have clearly recognized the signals. In order to help him, I now had to clearly communicate what I have learned, as well as do more research in order to give weight (scientific back-up) to the ideas.

That got me thinking: there are a lot of folks in the similar situation all around the world. Since I am already streamlining and organizing what I have learned both through experience and research, why not share it? Though it will undoubtedly take many posts to cover the the subject, here is the first basic summary anyone who is troubled by depression should get familiar with.

It is easier to think of depression, if you underline the labyrinth of symptoms, states, effects and manifestations that it can produce with one simple structure (kind of like creating a map for a complicated natural landscape.) Here are three main areas where depressive states, once triggered, become a sort of sinister feedback loop that, if unchecked, soon transforms in a vicious cycle sucking you deeper and deeper into private hell known as depression.

So here is the first, and the most scientifically discussed factor:

1. Brain (and hormonal) composition.

Here is a fun fact: there is a certain area of the brain, called hypothalamus (which, among other things, deals with  emotion and memory) that is shown to be SHRUNK up to 25% when depression is experienced. (The good new is, it is also possible to regain the normal size, if a person have successfully recovered and stayed healthy for a prolonged period of time.) So there are actual organic changes your brain that take place when you are under immense stress that prolonged depression brings. (not to be confused with the stress that actually can initiate first bouts of depression, which we will talk about later in the third component/factor.) There are also profound changes in how the nerve/brain cells transmit and process different signals/information, that, though may be of a cognitive nature (second component) at first, may overtime "materialize" themselves in the actual brain processing changes.

Before we go any further, let me introduce (or remind you of) a concept called neuroplasticity. It is both fascinating and encouraging, at least for people who have bought into science's earlier notion that mental disorders such as depression where 'hard wired' into 'faulty' brain structure, and there was nothing we could do about it, other than pop pills and bear the side effects.

Long story short neuroplasticity simply means ability, as well as tendency of our brain to change in response to input and/or environment.

Say you were abused as a kid. Every day was a chaotic, deeply terrifying ordeal. If that kind of extreme stress went on for years, it is only logical to expect that the amazing survival-oriented 'device' that is our body will find the way to adopt, take in the input that it is receiving and make changes accordingly: it will likely alter the way we respond to extreme stress and an onslaught of hormonal, and therefore emotional storms it produces, and that in turn will alter how we express ourselves, as well as how we handle our thoughts, perceptions and memories.

If we were simply to leave the individual in shell-shocked state, even when changing the environment to a safe one, we can not expect them to automatically fully recover, because the damage the extreme situation produced have altered the chemistry -  indeed, the very structure of the brain, and reversing the changes will require highly focused and persistent work.

Another interesting fact is that our brain cells can attune themselves to 'highlight' and give priority to specific kind of responses. This makes complete sense as well. A soldier in combat quickly learns how to focus their attention on things that represent a threat, since their survival depends on it. In the same way, a kid that was physically abused will focus and heighten their sensitivity to particular "vibe", situations or facial expressions that can be a precursor of further abuse (though it is important to understand that creating intimidating and/or chaotic atmosphere qualifies as an emotional/mental abuse in its own right.) Growing up, without sufficient competent help the individual will likely focus on singling out similar expressions and signals from other people, and will dedicate a disproportional amount of their energy on dealing with the perceived threat and response to such signals, compared to a person who had a happy, self-affirming childhood.

In a case of depression, it is often the case that people give priority to negative input, focusing exclusively on the information that is likely to deepen their despair and/or confirm that there is indeed little to no hope for them. As for emotional response, that has been likely considerably muted, for the purpose of stopping the negative emotion's overload, and the chemical/hormonal mayhem it unleashes on the body.

The takeaway: there were likely perfectly rational, survival-oriented reasons for particular wiring of your brain in the past. Even if you do not think they were particularly traumatic experiences, your body likely had a pretty solid (from its perspective) reason to respond in a way that it did. Now that we had (hopefully) made it out of the particular environment that had called for such changes, given the awareness we gained, we are free to set up new cognitive/emotional patterns that will let us reach and remain in the state of wellness.

In the next couple of posts we will discuss:

1 Cognitive component and 2 Emotional states that pose a challenge in depression, as well as how to bring both of those back to balance.

Thank you for reading and please know that it is possible to make it back to healthy, balanced life.

Healthy vs. wounded part of self

Recently I was fortunate to work with a wise and sharp-minded therapist.

Among other things, she has drawn my attention to this quality of a human mind/personality:
practically all of us had an experience when we felt perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our actions, and felt strong and competent. The context for this assertion was that most people coming to therapy expect to work on their childhood experiences, wounds and the deep-held believes that were, for the most part, results of those wounds. I, too, came to therapy with that notion, and in all honesty I still believe that a lot of our present problems do depend on our experiences as children. This therapist, however, did not share this believe and in fact she told me that she downright denies her clients' frequent requests to work with their childhood wounds.

And this is the part that picked my interest: she stated that in her view every human being has what she called a 'healthy personality' and also a 'wounded personality', and all of us at one point or another used one of those as a platform for our actions, or, as she put it 'leaned' on it.

Now, I see no need to 'split' out internal world on two separate personalities :) and I would say instead that we all have separate 'sets' of certain states, beliefs, emotional, mental and behavioral patterns that we had accumulated at different stages of our lives, and that sometimes one of those 'sets' gets activated at the 'expense' of the other.

For example: you have agreed to meet your friend, came to a place of a meeting and have waited for her for a long time. She is obviously late and haven't called. You have a couple of different ways to react:
You may get frustrated and angry, feel disrespected by her lack of communication and storm out of that place, promising yourself to ignore any of her future attempts to connect.

Or perhaps you would feel worried, or sad and alone; or may be you would just assume she had her reasons for behaving that way and wait until you have more information to react.

Of course it is not hard to notice that one of these possibilities sounds a lot healthier and more balanced than others. Human beings can react in variety of ways. My therapist asserted that all of us choose healthy behaviors at times. The trick, she said, is to 'lean' on the healthy part as much as you can and put less attention on the wounded part. I liked that idea for its optimism, though, as I said, I personally still believe in the necessity of working with our childhood hurts.

A few days later I had an opportunity to test my therapist's idea in action. A friend of mine who I came to rely on had suddenly proved less trustworthy a few times on the row. The 'offenses' were relatively minor, but I, with my tendency to blow everything that has to do with my persona :) out of proportion, was cycling in my usual "she has betrayed me therefore she must be cut off from my life" mental rut, and then I suddenly 'heard' another part of me say: "Well, she trusted you enough to invite you to her house and let you sleep in her place, and she cared enough to be there when you were sick and lonely, so clearly she loves you and cares about you and deserves your trust and good will as well."

May be it is the usual thing for most people, but let me tell you, nothing of the sort has EVER happened in my mind. Nearly all of my interactions are organized around immediate benefits that I can get out of people, and I manage my connections very tightly exactly from the perspective of the most precise and beneficial gain. It is awful, but this is honestly how my mind operates and my life goes... The time that I do not spend persuading, managing and/or manipulating someone directly, I spend pretending that I care and showing off my good thoughts and deeds in hopes of giving the people enough reasons to give what I need in return. :/

Getting back to the main thought: I guess the idea that there is another, healthier part of my mind, of which I simply haven't made much use, had somehow stayed with me and later got 'highlighted' in such an unusual way. :) I am very pleased with the result and so I share it with you guys on hopes it can be of help.

 I was able to honestly more deeply relate to my friend that night, be genuinely grateful, connect and forgive her meager slip ups.

If I didn't have that little 'breakthrough' I would probably have to talk myself into not cutting off yet another connection because I still might need that person's help in the future or simply going with my darker feelings and ignoring her... :/

Yes, this is how sad and barren NPD-affected individual's interpersonal relationships really are... BUT there is hope, and I invite everyone who is looking for solution and reading this right now to try and imagine, or better yet, connect with a healthier part of their Self. Perhaps it would help to remember times when you felt more real and connected to yourself and others as a result of a different choice of pattern in thought and/or behavior.

From my experience I can tell you that being in your 'healthy' state feels like you are in touch with your body, energized, stronger, more connected to the present moment and your surroundings.
The physical sensation is unmistakable in a sense that you know you are right where you supposed to be.

I hope this can point you to the place where you too can find an authentic and empowering connection with yourself and others.

One new (somewhat unexpected) skill to learn while getting over Narcissistic Personality DIsorder

I was going over some material related to NPD and found one interesting thought (I am hesitant to quote because this particular excerpt is in Russian, and it is rather long and academical which makes it difficult to translate...) Anyway - the main idea is that a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder possesses a false sense of their own importance and entitlement, as well as a tendency to mistrust and (here is the interesting part) therefore finds it difficult to ask for what they need directly. I am assuming that is because they feel like people around them should realize what is it that they need and put that agenda front and center. In addition to that, some of their deeper emotional needs, are intimidating, as they make an NPD sufferer feel extremely vulnerable and confused. It's a, small wonder than that a Narcissist avoids discussing their needs directly, hoping and fantasising about a special time and persons who would be able to figure it all out.

Of course, in real life such "ideal" state of things is hardly possible, yet Narcissists find it extremely challenging, even humiliating to come out and say out loud what is it that they are requesting. NPD-affected people routinely resort to manipulation, lies, all sorts of tricks in order to bring about fulfilment of their supposed needs and goals without having to ask and therefore expose themselves (and their fragile pseudo-egos) to the risk of being denied (read humiliated.)

I found this view both fresh and helpful. It certainly rings true for me. I immediately concluded that I should challenge myself more to talk about my needs and feelings in the open and therefore expose myself to a natural outcome, rather than trying to plan, scheme and control my way into a guaranteed result regardless of the needs and wishes of the other person.

On my channel's discussion boards and in private messages, I often get questions from people who recognise certain Narcissistic traits in themselves. The most common one is - how can I deal with it and make it less hard on myself and others? I feel like this is a rare chance for me to give a clear "prescription" - do challenge yourself to express more of your real needs, feelings and thoughts even if that means to expose yourself to less-than-desirable (immediate) outcomes. Because in the long run you clear out your own inner "backed up" mental and emotional debris - the ones prevent you from healthy relating to your own self and that of others.