This post is in honor of all of my bighearted, giving, ever-supportive readers who through all the psychological pain, abuse and heartache still are choosing to stand by their abusers and desperately looking for a solution on how to "awaken" and change Narcissism- affected loved-one. Tonight I was thinking of many questions and personal notes I receive from these people, and I felt inspired to make a post just for them. In honor and hopefully, as a little comfort and help to them and, of course, also as a way to say thank you for being so extraordinary inspiring in your commitment to love, loyalty and compassion.
As almost all of such people who write to me quickly confirm, the most important question in their mind is how can they help their loved one see the light and what they - their partners can do to aid that change. Here is where I risk to disappoint you as my answer won't be exactly along the lines that you would probably expect and prefer, but since you already know my intention in my posting this, I hope that you trust me to have your and your loved one best interest in mind. Of course that goes without saying that I can only offer you my opinion, but I still hope some of you will find value in it. Well, without further ado I think the best way you can possibly help yourself and your loved one in such a difficult situation is... stop trying so hard to help them.
Yes. I know it sounds a little unexpected, but there is still a good reason for my saying it. In fact, I am pretty sure I alluded to the same solution in my other video/post, but I still feel like there is a need to highlight it. So, I am basically saying that your best chance in achieving some peace of mind and seeing actual progress in your loved one is to emotionally disengage.
Well, perhaps not fully, but still to a significant degree. I will explain... As I said in other videos, long term partners of Narcissist are likely to exhibit codependent tendencies, that is to say to have a deep sense of investment in the way your partner feels, acts and, basically, in the way they choose to live their life.
Of course, I understand that it is difficult not to care about how they feel and therefore behave when you are living under the same roof and often share children together. Please be assured - that is fully appreciated by me. However, what I am trying to say is that the partners of Narcissist have sense of responsibility and, by extension, a sense of control over how Narcissist acts and sees the world. Of course, you can not feel responsible for something you can not control, and therefore if you do have a sense of responsibility and are looking for different ways to influence your partner further, than, certainly you do believe you can indeed control their moods and their actions. Furthermore, this assumptions of yours is not entirely without ground. The Narcissist themselves probably worked quite diligently at instilling this idea in your mind. It is typical of abusers to claim that their victims "made them" do a certain thing or react a certain way. Even more bizarre is that they are probably not consciously lying that is to say they truly do believe and experience events in a way that makes them think it is YOUR actions that produce certain moods and behaviors in them and they themselves do not have control over how they feel at that moment. What to make of it then?
The key here is the very nature of the disorder is inability to produce and regulate stable perception of self and therefore consistent value of self-worth, one's place in the world and the relationship to the world.
This is precisely what drives the Narcissist crazy - the maddening inability to pull off something that everyone else on the planet takes per granted: basic feeling of security and stable feelings, and knowledge about themselves and the broader world.
So where then does your overwhelming desire to "help out" comes in? By your very kindhearted insistence on taking care of your loved one feelings and deficiencies you are not only highlight and reinforce the fact that they must depend on you for such functions, you are also perpetuating their own lack of such competence. You see how that is important, right? So it is one-two punch here - you are at once displaying your distrust in Narcissist ability to handle their own issues which probably leads to fits of rage since they resent that very dependency the most, but then you also insist on handling their issues for them so than they do not have any motive to change int he first place.
Think about it: if you give a baby a thing they were trying to reach for every time that happens, how is the baby to learn how to do that for themselves? Or if you insist on carrying a small child around just so they do not have to run and fall, then it is not exactly a service to them - and neither to yourself - is it? Of course, that is a rather exaggerated example, but there are distinct similarities. Now, believe me, I fully realize that you feel like you are acting out of love and concern (and sometimes your need for self-preservation), though if you are really honest, perhaps you would admit that there is some fear, mistrust and as a result desire for greater control in the mix. What I am trying to say is the only hope for a person as a Narcissist to ever learn how to handle themselves better is if the people around them will remove the "safety net" of artificially propping them out from outside, while ideally also displaying very trusting, loving (from afar), and supportive attitude towards their struggle. Just like you would with a baby that is trying to learn how to walk.
Do not imagine that your ever-forgiving or even submissive attitude will somehow resolve the Narcissist problem. It may bring about much needed truce, but the emotional slew of their deeply held self-hate and mistrust is sure to erupt sooner or later.
You are neither responsible for nor equipped to handle this situation - I really urge you to try and feel that through. All the love and support in the world can not cure a person who doesn't trust their SELF, does not accept their SELF, runs away from their SELF. It is, indeed, between them and their inner SELF. What you can do is provide a safe and non-judgmental background for their inner "battle" to play out until they finally notice they have beating up on their own deepest sense of what is real and what is true. Also you can model for them a better way to relate to your true SELF and therefore practice your own self-acceptance and love.
Just like children learn about life through watching what their parents do and how they feel much more than by listening to their "lectures", the Narcissist - being not much more themselves than a lost, stunted child, will only have a chance by watching people around them treating themselves better. Think about it: by insisting that your own peace of mind and happiness depends on how the Narcissist feels and behaves, you are reinforcing the same pattern you are desperately trying to avoid - clearly by meeting their needs through your feeding them with your attention and concern, they will have neither an intensive nor a clear blueprint for change. Many of them grew up in dysfunctional households where both partners were locked in that proverbial dance, and believed that they must depend on each other's emotional "moves" in order to be happy.
I encourage you to try a different approach. Instead of focusing on your partner's apparent shortcomings, try and nurture your own strength and power to a point that you are no longer interested in feeding that same-old dynamic. There will come a point when you see yourself AND your partner through the new set of eyes, and who knows, that might just be enough of a push for them to try something new as well. So here we have our singular set of paradoxes: you can help someone by withdrawing your usual "help" and then you can help yourself by trusting them enough to be their own rescuer and their own hero. Which, sure enough, was what they wanted to be all along...
In many ways Narcissism, as well as codependency is no more than a set of agreements that allows one to believe they do not have the power to achieve what they want and so they concluded they require someone else in order to fulfill their needs. In fact - as we saw just now - the opposite is true:each of us have what we need to be a perfectly secure and happy human being, and once there, we are so much better equipped to be a real partner to some one else. Of course, it is not that easy to apply this rule to our everyday relationship, and if it was, the whole world would be different then. However, one can try and try we must, especially when turning away from this truth has landed us in places where seemingly no one would want to be stuck in for too long.
I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this. Not many people would like to face up and see that solution lies within them - it seems easier and more comfortable to see what is not right with our counter party. However, the clue lies within us, and once we come to truly appreciate it - there is no turning back. A new, brighter world awaits and even the past trouble seem like a good thing once you know where they have been really leading. Well, my most sincere wish for you is that you reach that place. For my part, I will wish you well and trust that you have what it takes to get there. If you wish, check the corresponding video description on my channel (below) and see the song the lyrics of which I would like to share with you guys to help you think it through and forgive me this naive gesture if you are not into that style of music. I truly thank and love you guys! All the best to you!
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