Today's topic is important, because it points to the very core of the issue most people find offensive when dealing with the Narcissist - their calculating, manipulative ways often make their close friends and family members feel used as if they were some disposable mechanical objects, not living human beings with their own feelings, goals and loyalties.
Let me share with you what I know about calculating, manipulative tendencies of the Narcissist first hand- from my own experience.
I now clearly realize that I engage in constant calculation and "profit and loss" kind of analysis virtually every time I am thinking about any relationship. Because I never experienced any other way of relating to people, this realization was not that easy - it simply has never occurred to me that other people could have a different way of perceiving matters.
I tried to understand where this pattern of thinking could have originated, and concluded that it was "instilled" in me very early own, long before I could access it righteousness or even usefulness in my life. Let me explain. My mother, being a Narcissist herself, has trained both me and my brother to literally anticipate her every whim and every move. If we did what was "right"in her book, we were rewarded with praise and, however shallow and fleeting, approval from her. But if we got it wrong we were in REAL trouble - she would punish us with seemingly endless rage-filled fits, complete with shaming, threats and insults that were totally disproportionate to the supposed offense. I know to many of you this behavior sounds familiar, and you, no doubt, can appreciate what it does to even a grown person, let alone really young kids. So then you realize the incentives were pretty strong to get it right.
To help us "learn" what we were supposed to do, we were continuously subjected to lengthy explanations about how a certain behavior, or a feeling we displayed affected our mother and how we should behave instead, in order to make her feel better. And that type of "training" did not stop with just herself either - she also coached us on how to behave around other people on order to get the best outcome (mainly for herself, of course) and she often gave us a very detailed account of how a certain person thinks and behaves, and what personal traits do they have that can be leveraged in order to achieve a certain result.
This is where an important point, in regards to today's discussion, really lies. I have no doubt that many Narcissist learned very early on (probably well before this type of knowledge should be naturally acquired) how their behavior affects and determines actions of other people, while simultaneously being discouraged from producing authentic actions based on their real state of mind. Such excessive "molding" of their mind, while traumatizing them, also taught them a valuable lesson - one can always get their objectives met if he or she knows just what buttons to push when a certain person, group of people or a situation is concerned. In our household, your ability, your intellect and indeed even your value was mainly judged on how well you understood that point and how well you could "work it" in real life. Provided, we were very poor and disadvantaged in many ways, I can see how this type of thinking in could have aroused from necessity, but I also can't help but remember my mother was quite pleased and proud of the fact she had such skill of dealing with people and thought herself much more intelligent than those who could not "get" it.
I am only recounting the story to help you get a glimpse at least at one instance of a person who by many accounts is extremely calculating (of no longer manipulative) and can give you a sense of where this pervasive patter of thinking could have started.
With years and years of conditioning by living side by side with her and having her as a sole adult we could depend on has done its job. Both me and my brother know much better than many other people how someone mind's works and what kind of personality should we "morph" into in order to achieve our goals the quickest and most efficient way. I say that I am no longer manipulator, because unlike my mother and my brother I derive no pleasure or sense of pride from being able to "fool" other people. On the contrary, that makes me feel rather "turned off".
The whole situation had only come to light for me when I realize that under no circumstances can I relax and simply trust a person who is next to me - I am always "running" every even remotely plausible scenario of things going wrong and make my own "contingency plans" for each one, as if I was running an endless war exercise or chess match in my head. It is exhausting, and, as you can guess, it is ultimately counterproductive to fostering any close relationship. However, I am compelled to concede - I can not really stop it. Although I can, and I consciously have stopped myself from acting on such knowledge, unless it is really necessarily as a form of defense, I can not really stop perceiving people I meet and situations I get in that way.
Until recently, I thought that everybody had ability to "calculate" future outcomes of situations based on the facts they see, and I sometimes thought people unnaturally stupid (pardon, please) or even presumptuous for thinking that things work out in different way just for them, despite the pretty obvious facts and past instances where they clearly haven't.
I think every one of us hear of a despicably arrogant and self-centered "white collar criminal" or con artist that after tricking people out of their hard earned money and burning their best feelings of trust and high regard with the realization they have been "played" has the audacity to state that if his victims were stupid enough to believe in what he was laying before them, they were "asking for it". this is an extreme example, but it is a good example of the type of thinking many manipulative Narcissist employ.
Because of their earlier trauma, mentally they are forever "on alert", on the lookout for the next instance when someone tries to trick them or for the next kick in the teeth. So many of them genuinely can not understand how somebody else can be that blind or naive as to not see the obvious, and let them "work it" though they had all the means of seeing the situation clearly. See, in the Narcissist world trust no longer exist. Every man is out for themselves, in you are not strong enough, mentally or otherwise - it is your loss. That is their Modus Operandi and their justification.
If they choose to engage with you at all, it is always for a reason. Make know mistake every "debit" and "credit" of your interaction (emotional or otherwise) will be carefully recorded and stored until it is time to "settle the bill" - which is forever looming on the horizon, no matter for how long you know the person and how well you think you can trust them. Because were are talking about a Narcissist, not a full-blown Psychopath, emotional, or, should I say, psychological debits and credits get recorded too. This math, however, is likely skewed in one direction: if you praise and generally treat the Narcissist as an outstanding, very special, extraordinarily talented person - you are merely "staying afloat" - that is too say not loosing, but not really gaining points either. however, should you insult the Narcissist - and of course, you know by now that imaginary or unintended insults are just as real in his book then you might just loose all of your previous "savings" and indeed get yourself indebted.
The situation is further complicated by the fact that the Narcissist by no means feel obliged to inform you about their "rules' of what constitutes an offense and how much would it mean to them in terms of the future of your alliance. They will simply put a little "check" in their mind and then make you pay for it, though you may have not the slightest idea what was the real reason behind their sudden assault.
That will be especially true if they still need you to furnish other, more tangible rewards that were the reason for starting your relationship in the first place. Say, they still need you to supply certain information from their business competitor, or they need you to serve as a convenient "cover" and add prestige as a "stellar" spouse or a partner while they are trying to charm the public. They may be insulted by a certain gesture or off-hand remark of yours, but they will bide their time until you have served your other, utilitarian purpose - THEN they will discard you all the more ruthlessly since you dared to question their supposed grandeur.
In conclusion, here is the analysis of two correlated currents that keep your involvement with a calculating, manipulative Narcissist alive: it is the purpose you can serve to further his goal- this is initial, and main reason for that type of Narcissist to engage with you in the first place. Then there is also the need to maintain their "uncommon" view on themselves through your admiring eyes - although this requirement is secondary, that can still wound your relationship with the Narcissist to the point of him turning vindictive. If you "wounded" his pseudo ego enough, he may opt to end the relationship right then and there, and continue searching for another, more appreciative companion. If though, the benefit you are providing in more practical sense is important enough, they may choose to still keep dealing with you, but I promise you - they will never forgive you the real or supposed insult you were unfortunate enough to be linked with.
Of course, there is another scenario where you have seized to be of use, but still provide a pleasant background with your favorable view on the Narcissist. In this case you are likely to be disposed of all the same, even though you yourself haven't done anything wrong. You see, this type of a Narcissist is truly like a calculating machine, that does not want to be stopped and bothered with any "expenditures" that will not further his goal.
There is only one exception to this rule that I am aware of: there could come a moment in the Narcissist's life where everyone inn his immediate circle has caught up to his tricks (that is not difficult to do, for once you are used you are abruptly discarded, treated in dramatically different way, and contacted only when needed again) - and so the Narcissist has exhausted the sources for his supply and will "settle" for any, even imperfect one. If, despite being used and treated badly, you are still insistent on wanting to help, change, be there for the Narcissist, and does not have more appealing options at the moment, he will then, of somewhat reluctantly, "settle" for you. For the time being, of course.
Because the
moment the more suitable choice arrives he will sprint in the exhilaration of the fresh chase, living you in the dust, often only to return when the new "shining star" refuses to accept the foul treatment and otherwise questionable "rewards" fo the relationship you were willing to accept. And there, perhaps, lies the secret of the serial cheaters and their long-suffering spouses, who are willing to accept the "wandering husband" back in their arms time and again, possibly viewing themselves as extra understanding and forgiving, while their spouse is likely to just see them as "not their first choice", something less than ideal, but nevertheless "OK" to fall back on, if no other more enticing choices are around.
I am well aware that might sound pretty rough, but I would much rather be open and honest in hopes of reaching the ones that are "ready" for the message, then simply feed more "fluff" to those decent and indeed long-suffering people who quite remarkably choose to stick to their Narcissist against all odds.
I will continue to explore the topic of manipulative, calculating and vindictive Narcissist in my next post, discussing few possible tactics of incurring the least possible damage while being entangled in their schemes, as well as limiting the probability of their future attempts to manipulate you.
Here is the corresponding videos for this post:
Part 1
...and Part 2
No comments:
Post a Comment