Breaking free of the Narcissist

The nature of the Narcissistic bond and the way to unravel it...

People familiar with the topic often note on how strong, and sometimes downright unbreakable our bonds with the people who hurt us may seem. As almost anyone who has been through Narcissistic abuse will tell you, it feels like a never-ending cycle: feeling very special in the beginning, then feeling hopeful that first feeling will return, then that nagging need for care that is never quite met, being hurt and disappointed time and again and still keeping on hoping for that first "click" to come back again, and hurting, and repeating the same thing through the years of disappointments and pain. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Imagine the despair of the person who realizes they are in this unhealthy spiral, but has no earthy idea of how to come out of it.

I do not have to imagine, because I have lived through this until one particularly awful experience shook me back into being aware, and that was beginning of my recovery. But it took many twist and turns, and I urge you to be patient with yourself: you have been through an immensely traumatic experience, in many cases may times over - and in my view, you should be proud you are still strong enough to look for solutions, you really do deserve respect and acknowledgement!

Now, back to the topic: why do we form such a strong attachment with a Narcissist and how do we undo it?

Any professional will tell you that our attitudes towards love and intimacy stem from childhood. It is from our parents that we learn how to receive (or be deprived of) love, care and attention, how to process and respond to it, and how to give it in return. By the time you were an adult, the patterns of exchanging that vital energy had set in - that is why it is said that every partner brings the attitudes and expectations of their parental home into relationships and tends to view their partner through that mindset. More often than not a person will even choose a partner who will fit in the "mold" of the relationship based on their childhood home.

Let us consider for a second what does it mean for those for people who grew up in the home where one or more partners were a Narcissist. They were groomed and trained from the beginning of their life to serve to demands of the Narcissist and to neglect their own feelings.

They would grow up feeling deep in their heart that their situation is actually normal, because they never experienced truly loving and caring attention. Sadly, these wounded souls will make a perfect target for Narcissists, and they will have a particularly hard time separating themselves from their abusive partners even though "in their head" they are fully aware that it is wrong.

It breaks my heart to think about all of the sweet, loving souls who would go through life giving their best to someone who can not really appreciate, let alone reciprocate, their gifts.

Sad as this situation is, there is a solution, though as everything worthwhile, it will require real effort on our part. It will require all the strength we have to go deep into the heart of our childhood trauma and relive the hurt while seeing it for what it is with our adult minds. Sounds difficult, almost impossible, but this is the way to freedom, and it has to be done.

Let us review the theory while we summon the courage. The unusual strength of the bond we feel when we are attached to our adult life Narcissist is because we subconsciously feel the need to find a resolution to our childhood trauma. And so may your partner. That is why you two made such a "perfect" fit and in the beginning you both had nothing short of elating feeling of "right" relationship. You were "high" on a fresh chance to resolve and heal your old wounds.

But the tricky thing is that you two knew your parts by heart by then and you kept acting it out without even thinking about it. And even if you did think about it, you did not have enough energy and will to just "stop" doing whatever you were doing. Human beings do not work like that.

So what is the solution you ask? The solution is to upgrade from whole "system" that has been installed in your mind by abusive parents. You see, you were taught the rules of trust, love, loyalty, but those rules were skewed. The person who taught you, did not have your best interest in mind - they protected their own. And so those rules do not serve YOU - never did and never will. When they taught you that loyalty means never questioning anything, or that care meant constant sacrifice and neglect of your needs in order to serve them, that is not how it supposed to work - they simply wrote you out of the equation.

     

You see what is so tragic about this? The person who were entrusted with keeping you safe, nurturing you, helping you grow instead had trained you to serve and help THEM. And so you grew up thinking that if you do everything "right" (by those rules) you then will deserve care and love. Well, pardon me for being brutally honest, but how did it work out for you? Right? I only have the courage to say all this because I have been though this myself, and I know how miserable it can feel. It is about as traumatic as it gets to realize that people you were attached to and trusted for your survival were so selfish they didn't even SEE you. Many people in this world will do whatever they can to distract themselves from that horrifying reality, and as a result will put themselves through constant most terrifying abuse to keep running away from that thought. They do not want to see the world can be so cruel - and indeed, how unbearably cruel is that?

BUT! I have a little extra note that could help, and it only came to me after years of working through my own experience:
There is something bigger and more profound than this that has sustained you until this moment, that insisted that you were beautiful and valuable enough to keep alive through it all. It still keeps you living, breathing, loving, wanting to learn more. Think about this.

Then get back to your parents, or your caregivers who "set up" the game in your head where you would continuously share your energy and get nothing in return, and they would string you alone with high words and principals. As an adult, you probably realize that teaching you to keep a secret or deny how you feel against your better instincts was anything but love, not matter how many "right" words they said. Once you see that first lie, you are going to see them all. One after one, they will begin falling like Dominoes.

Following normal grief and sadness comes liberation. You can now clearly see what loving relationship really includes and what it does NOT, you can also see what kept you locked into cycle of abuse for so long. They were the old rules you followed so loyally, the ones instilled in you by your abuser.

    

What do trust, loyalty, love and care really mean, what do they involve? Go through those old agreements and upgrade them based on what you now know about the world and relationships. If you need help finding better sources an "role models", you will find plenty - just look. The most important step is to see your primal relationship in the new light, all other things will follow.

I believe you are strong enough. Please do not hesitate to comment and share what your experience has been and what you feel and think.

It is a difficult subject to even think about let alone discuss, but through those conversations we are experiencing healing, and by healing ourselves we heal the whole world. So live with your heart open and be brave. 

Best wishes to you!

Here is a link to the original lens on the topic, complete with polls, highlights and related videos (as well as few helpful books) here

Here is the original video on the same topic - as usual, I post it here so you have a chance to see the comments and join the discussion on my channel. Thank you!

I appreciate your shares and comments! All the best!

I just had this small encounter with a Narcissist, and, to my delight, was not affected emotionally by that they way I used to be before. In this video I attempt to quickly reflect and comment on why, I think, I made the breakthrough and give you a couple of helpful hints as well! 

How to leave a Narcissist.

I have received many comments on this video: some people are asking whether it is appropriate to act similar to how the Narcissist does, when trying to make it out of the relationship safely, saying that one shouldn't have to hide their intentions. Others are responding with a confirmation on just how unsafe and careless it would be NOT to do so. Obviously, I side with the latter point of view.

There are several reasons for that. First: why should you consider emotions of an abuser above your own, when they are clearly oblivious to how you feel? It is not like your suffering is going to help them in any meaningful way, even if some partners may have that (very wrong!) idea.

Second, larger point I was looking to make is this: it is not easy trying to free your life from a Narcissist - it is hard work, and most of that work is done in your mind, in your heart and only then is manifested in your actions.
While trying to break up with an abuser, the focus (of only privately) should be on your own feelings and your own safety. This is NOT the time to be your most giving, honest self - abusers thrive on dealing with people who are so attached to those ideals, that they forget common sense.

You do not have to put some one else's judgments of you, or their "hurt feelings" above your own life and well-being  - they are your soon to be "ex" for a reason, and chances are, they fully deserve the title. It is time to put your own needs front and center.
Pull yourself together, remember your own worth, and let your better human qualities come through when you are dealing with a person who is actually able to appreciate it, as well as give the same in return. For now it is all about courage and respect for yourself.
Best of luck!

This post is about relationship between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and addiction, and the underlying reason for Narcissist's addictions: 

Vilifying Narcissists

Today I wanted to discuss a topic that became important to me over the time I have been spending researching NPD online, in addition to speaking with specialists. It is the topic of Narcissist-bashing, or vilifying the Narcissists. OK, after having been through Narcissistic abuse more than once in my life, believe me, I completely understand just how incredibly painful it can be to realize the extend of the abuse and to make your first steps to recovery. By trying to look on the Narcissist's side, I am by no means looking to dispute the extend of the damage for YOU, their unfortunate partner, and neither am I looking to devalue your feelings about that abuse. I am just trying to fit what we know about NPD with the situation that has developed where ex partners hurt by Narcissist come out in force to dehumanize and label them in a way that will sure not inspire a healthy attitude towards ultimately very disordered people, and sure is not going to help those victims to recover sooner, if not hold off a recovery.

Let us consider a few key points professional psychologists know about the disorder:

Individual affected by NPD alienates her or his real self to avoid unbearable feelings of hurt and trauma that the true self has been experiencing. They lock out and deny their own real feelings, because they can no longer process the overwhelming stimuli in healthy ways. They are over capacity with other coping strategies human beings normally employ and so they resort to construction of false self.

False self is deliberately created to fence off the pain any "risky" interaction can bring, therefore it is desensitized to any emotional input. Period. The individual who is affected by NPD will flat out deny their and other people's right to validation of their emotions and feelings, and therefore will use every tick in the book to not let their own or other people's feelings reach their consciousness, aside for purely analytical, calculating part of their brain. The main message here that deep inside they are TERRIFIED of your real feelings because it would demonstrate their own inability to be honest and process their own unwanted emotions.

Now, please please understand although this is written and told to you plainly here using the data and analysis professionals have at their disposal, that does not at all mean the Narcissist has the same quality insight of their condition. Far from it! Indeed if they had a real insight into their situation, they would have made a first GIANT step toward recovery (though not the only one necessary, but still a giant step) Most Narcissists I have dealt with in my life - and I had my fair share, sadly - were not even aware they had ANY problem, let alone knowing what exactly they have difficulty with or how it is different from what normal people are experiencing. Think about it - they never HAD an experience most normal people take per granted - they never learned how to bond, how to trust and how to deal with their feelings.

Now, given all this, how do "normal" expect any kind of healthy interaction, and more importantly, why do they react so violently angry toward the Narcissist for frustrating their feelings, once they understand how this disorder works. It is just as irrational to expect healthy heartfelt interaction from such a damaged individual as it would be to expect a cactus to bear some mangoes for you.

I understand how bewildering it is to be dealing with NPD-affected individual when you do not know what is wrong with them, and when you are still looking for a guy or a gal that was perfect for you - kind, attentive and sweet, Bust once you know you are dealing with NPD as most online "Narcissist bashers" do, why do you keep treating them like an average human being in terms of standards for their behavior. The point IS that they are not normal, and chances are - never will be.

You do not shame a delusional person who thinks you are an alien and must be fought off. Neither do you get so angry with them you use terms like "monster", "animal" and such. You simply realize something is terribly wrong, take care of your own feelings and move on. Heck, you probably even feel bad for a guy, and rightly so!

Narcissism is more socially functional disorder in a sense that affected person does not betray their condition so easily. But they still do not have control over how they react to "threatening" stimuli, and by God most of them not have a slightest clue what is wrong, or even that they are not normal at all. To them this IS normal. To them your behavior is confusing, very puzzling indeed.

You see what I am trying to say here? To make an imperfect analogy, a rational human being will not get mad at a light pole, even if it falls and badly damages the body of their "victim". They are bound to feel hurt, traumatized, even pity themselves for their misfortune, but they will not embark on online campaign to stir resentment and hate  toward every light pole in the country! One thing to alert people to the danger of being traumatized and quite another is to vilify your disordered counterpart to the point where most of your audience feel like there is nothing human about that person at all. Actually, the person have been a victim of horrendous abuse themselves, and that is why they are behaving in a way they do. By all means, do NOT try to rescue them yourself - you are not equipped for it. Get out of the way, protect yourself and your loved once but also PLEASE have some compassion on for this badly damaged individual, not for him - he will never understand or accept any of it, or even acknowledge his need for it - but just to preserve your own sanity, your own human heart that have survived against all odds and does want to be forsaken in the name of pride.

This is the same material in the form of the video- please feel free to reference it and share it with your friends

Here is a second video I created on the triad of Narcissist's suppressed emotions: RAGE, GUILT, and SHAME. It would be wonderful to learn about your thoughts on the subject as well. Thank you.

It is extremely hard to deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The chaos and emotional turbulence that are at the center of the disease are often too much to bear for both the individual suffering from the disease and her/his loved ones. Trauma created by actions of a person affected with NPD is so great that attention tends to focus almost exclusively on their partner's suffering, and the other party is almost always is regarded as a kind of supernatural "monster" who is totally devoid of feelings and enjoys good people's suffering. I attribute it in part to the shock and pain of the partner once they realized the nature of the relationships they have been participants in, and partly to a tendency in homegrown "experts" on the topic to cross-reference such terms as "sociopath", "psychopath" and "narcissist".

In this blog, I set out to share my personal journey from years of almost unbearable pain and failures in relationship in every area of my life to realizing I have been affected with NPD, to very careful and slow attempts at progress and recovery. It has been years since a particularly ugly break-up forced me into discovering underworld of socio- and psychopathology and Narcissism. At the time I identified the disturbing traits in my ex-partner, and in the effort to understand what happened, I kept pursuing the knowledge in any form - from online posts to interviews with specialists and plain folks who had an encounter with the phenomena, and I had not an earthiest clue that I was affected with the disease myself.

The experience I have been through is not unlike having your world repeatedly turned upside down - from realizing the person you thought you knew is nothing at all like you imagined, to discovering there is a whole group of people you never knew existed, to realizing your own mother was affected by the same disease and that is what made your childhood so unbearably painful, to finally understanding that you yourself came to exhibit the same traits you abhorred so much! At last, because I am only now starting to seriously look at myself from the perspective of knowing about NPD and facing a challenge of recovering from it, I am trying to share whatever insight I gained into this condition with my fellow sufferers and with people who are (or were) close to them and are looking to understand the dynamics.

I do not claim to have all the answers, however I have to say that because of the reason I discuss in my first video, and for many others, mental health industry have, to a large degree, failed to make any significant progress with NPD, and so it is often up to the individual themselves to try and figure out the way out of the maize that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I intent to try my best, so that my findings can benefit not only myself but others. 

All of your comments and/or questions are appreciated, and it would truly mean a lot for the discussion if you help share these posts by, well, sharing it, liking it and posting a comment. Here is a link to my NPDrecovery vlog. Thank you and best wishes to you!