5 things I do differently after my Codependent-Narcissistic relationship (part 1 - social settings)

We all know that surviving a Narcissistic romantic relationship changes us forever. First weeks and months we tend to keep our guard up all the time, and some people can work so hard in order to avoid the painful experience, that they screen out most of their new connection. However, as months (or, in my case, years) pass we get around to feeling a bit more secure and begin to step out and test the waters a little more in social settings. Still, it is good to work on having more awareness and keeping our hard-won lessons in mind so that we do not gravitate back to the patterns that can make us vulnerable to the Narcissistic types once again.

Here are some of the things that I learned to do differently in social settings so that I avoid the familiar pitfalls:

1. I listen to my instinct closely.

If I get an uncomfortable feeling around someone, I do not try to dismiss it or reason it away as I did in the past.  Instead, I act on what it is telling me. Being nice and polite has its place, but it should never mean forcing yourself to go against your own strong feelings, especially in social settings, where EVERYONE should have fun, including you.

2. I pay more attention to how the person really behaves not just an image they are trying to present.

This may sound odd at first, but it actually makes sense. Say, a guy you met at a bar is trying to appear very gentle and polite, but every time someone else tries to chime in the conversation they keep talking over them and generally ignoring the newcomer. Yes, they are paying close attentions to you (probably because they want something very specific out you) but they are betraying their inner meanie by being dismissing other people who are just trying to make new friends or have a conversation.

3. I do not hesitate to show my self-respect by distancing from an unpleasant encounter. 

If a person behaves in a way that I myself consider impolite, like acting in an arrogant, argumentative or distracted and disinterested way I do not hesitate to simply move on to the next conversation. During a casual social encounter, everyone in the room is looking for an engaging and uplifting experience, and if they are not ready to behave accordingly it is totally fine to move on and find a good match elsewhere.

4. I do not mask or withhold my opinion.

In my experience, being afraid of using your own authentic voice is a surefire way to end up being a passive audience to someone who will monopolize the conversation and waste valuable time you could spend meeting other people. Sure we need to be polite and considerate while voicing our own view on things, but there is no need to be afraid that the person won't like you if you do not second their views. If can not handle the fact that each person is entitled to their own opinion, then they are probably not someone you want to be closer with anyway.

5. I move to my own schedule.

If someone tries to hijack the evening, by which I mean have a very high-energy, involved conversation, suggest immediate or close future plans and then texts or calls right away and I am not ready to move as quick, I let them know in the polite but firm way how I feel. If they do get the hint, I contact them back if and when I genuinely feel like it. If they do not, I stop the communication altogether. And if that ever fails to stop the communication, I am sure I would be completely fine with letting them know their attention is so unwelcome it is bordering on harassment.

There was once a time when I felt obligated to carry on a correspondence that I did not enjoy for fear of deeply offending or hurting the person, and now I finally realize that equal respect and consideration should be afforded to both parties and that it is up to me to verbalize how I really feel if nonverbal cues fail to make the point clear.

Deconstruct your identity as a victim.

There is a fine balance between seeing our situation clearly (without venturing into denial territory) and internalizing our identity as seen through the eyes of the abuser.

After your dysfunctional relationship experience, do you often feel:

Broken

Like your life will never be the same

Less than other people

Powerless

Hopeless

Not intelligent or not attractive enough to matter
Depressed and uninterested in our own feelings and ideas
 

The more time we spend trying to understand how they saw us, and therefore molding our own view of ourselves that way, the more we re-abuse ourselves. What you as a victim may need to do is to disregard all of the ways that the abuser saw you, labeled you and treated you completely, and realize that they interacted with the shadows of their own twisted, tortured reality - not with you. They never saw you as a person at all, they never had the capacity to know you as a person, they were too caught up with their own inner drama to have the spare energy for understanding someone else's person.

The best proof that I can offer of the statement is the fact that your abuser, sadly, will go on treating everyone else who is open to them more or less the same way, no matter how nice those people are to them, because to them all of the people are a reflection of their own personal inner hell.

So if we are to truly understand that the abusive counterpart never knew us and never even experienced our trust or love the same way that other "normal" people would, it becomes easier to take the whole thing a little less personally.

Most people feel terrible because they have trusted the Narcissist and they feel completely shocked when they end up abruptly discarded as if they did not matter at all. That is because they see that kind of behavior as a reflection on their worth as a person. But that if it was the Narcissist's limitation that had them incapable of seeing your value? You know the famous adage about pearls before swine? Just because the pigs could care less about the jewels, does not mean the pearls are any less beautiful and precious to a person who knows their worth.

However, to me, the real healing begins a step further than understanding that it is the Narcissist's mind that has your value misjudged. The real healing and a source of power are in realizing that it is us and us alone who can fully know our own self-worth and we unlock the full potential of our person when we chose to cultivate and bring out our best qualities so that WE can enjoy them.

Unfortunately, the reverse can also be true - we abandon our most beautiful qualities when we adopt our abuser's unflattering view of ourselves as our own. You can all probably relate to this quick example: all of us have known a person who we thought was absolutely beautiful, yet they behaved in a way that betrayed their own poor opinion of their looks and personality. No matter how much you wanted to show them they were lovely they just didn't be-live in it, and so they were unable to tap that beautiful feeling you had when you shared time with them.
With our inner value things can get even more complicated as no other person can truly know all of your creativity, the feeling of aliveness and love that you carry inside - they may appreciate us as friends, co-workers, mothers etc but we must first realize of our own true worth as a human and it bring out in our own relationships with ourselves before we can begin to share it with others. That is why we hear so much about our relationship with ourselves - because it is the basis, the very centerpiece for developing all healthy relationship with other people, be they intimate partners, colleagues, friends, relatives etc.

Whenever you feel like you are holding back from doing something you secretly want to do, ask yourself: is this a natural way to see myself or am I feeling this way because of my history of abuse? Once you know the answer, the shift may happen all on its own, or it may need to be nudged a bit by trying on a different, kinder view on yourself that one time, then maybe again and once more until seeing yourself in a supportive way becomes your new reality.

As an exercise: pick one thing you secretly want to do but you feel you are not worthy of even trying and then view yourself as a person who is completely successful at that activity. Then when you feel a little more secure go out and make a first step toward making that inner vision come true.

There is no point in letting your abuser live on in your heart and mind perpetuating their toxic legacy. It has once been your experience, once you could not always completely control. Now it continues to live in your mind and emotions, where it is up to you which goals, agendas, ideas and themes to cultivate, and which ones to scrap. You may have seen yourself as powerless before - choose to see yourself differently today.

As a quick action point - go back to the list in the beginning of this post and pick one item that felt like it resonated with you. Reflect on the way you would naturally feel about yourself, excluding the abuser's influence. Chose to practice seeing and feeling yourself that way until that is once again the most natural way for you. My best wishes to you!

Blame, responsibility and healing in the aftermath of the Narcissistic relationships

Hello, everyone!

Thank you for joining me. Today I am going to discuss a topic that may ruffle a few feathers, but, nevertheless, it is extremely important to at least consider for anyone who is genuinely looking to heal and, hopefully, grow after they have been traumatized in the Narcissistic relationships.

To be honest, questioning these very topics moved me to start this channel in the first place, and I still see them as the most useful and important to consider out of the multitude of subtopics of discussion on Narcissism. However, consideration of those topics requires some courage, a maximally honest evaluation, and a strong intention to take charge and move on, and it probably comes as no surprise that many of the Narcissist's counterparts are not ready to venture that far just yet.

Before you think that I am trying to assign responsibility or even blame where it does not belong, let me clarify.

Everyone who has been abused by a Narcissist is very familiar with an overwhelming sense of anger and with desire to vilify your abuser if only to take care of all of the confusing painful emotions you experience and channel all that angst in a simple and genetically well-primed way that will bring about clarity and relief, even if short-lived.  Please do not misunderstand me: I know how inevitable and indeed even natural that kind of reaction toward your abuser can be. I am pushing 40, but there are still days when I remember my mother's past deeds and all I can do is rage. I have not spoken to my mother for over 5 years, but in those moments my memories ARE  my reality and I can not escape it. So just to be clear I am not judging anyone for that reaction by any means, which would be not only hypocritical but also quite useless.

What I am trying to say is that my motive for bringing this topic is purely utilitarian.
When I considered everything that has happened to me mentally and emotionally over the years of trying to untangle the mess my Narcissistic relationship left me with,
I came to realize that there are some valuable insights that can be gained out of the process. And, naturally, I wanted to share those with others who are having to do with similar pain.

But when I considered how I can communicate that subtle shift in understanding, I realized that it is going to be hard to do not only because of the nature of psychological change and growth, but also because some of this may come across as my trying to shift the blame away from one party in the dysfunctional relationship and put it on the other. So I want to say: this is not about the blame, or about trying to devalue or prohibit some of your feelings. I possess no such powers and neither would I want them.

As I said, those feelings are very familiar to me and they still present a formidable challenge at times, and I do not presume to have a right to judge anyone's response to a terribly traumatic situation. On the contrary, I always say it is you and you alone who decides what your inner truth is, what feelings and words communicate that truth the best and if and when and how you are ready to move on from those responses toward something new.  I just want to share this concept because it made a difference to me. And, of course, you are free to choose if that make sense and to use any part of it if you so choose to your own advantage.

OK, with no further ado here it is: for the codependent, the real healing begins with shifting the focus from their abuser to themselves in a way that assumes maximum responsibility for their own well-being and happiness, and completely excludes their abuser as a factor. Yeah, I said it (and I am sure some of you are not happy that I did) - it is counterintuitive for the most codependence, but I am convinced that that is actually the clearest and fastest way out. Before you dismiss it as unrealistic let me illustrate it in this little allegory.

Imagine, you are traveling to some remote country, and you have to stay in a little tiny hotel for a while. You have never been to the place before. Your tour agent promised you that your host will speak perfect English so that you can communicate clearly and get all your practical needs taken care of. When you arrive, however, you discover that the person who is supposed to help you does not speak a word in English, and also appears to be partially blind, hard of hearing and always busy. You are stuck with them for the night with no one to call and there is no way to get through to them about the fact you need some food and a few other items. You shout and point all you can, but they are not getting it, nor they are particularly interested. You ask for an iron, they give you a pen. You ask for shampoo, they give you someone else's bill. You need a Wi-Fi password, they say "One minute!" then disappear. Now, what would you do in this situation? I am sure you can see what I am getting at here. Just how much of the energy would you devote to trying to get your host to cooperate, and after learning they can not - how much time and power would you spend blaming them and raging at them. and how much of it would you reroute to getting your needs met on your own? Remember, they are not actively preventing YOU from getting what you need, they are just not playing the "good host" part and refuse to understand or supply what you need. Given this circumstance,  I am sure most of us would fairly quickly arrive at the point where we just went ahead and searched for the food and other items on our own or went without some and then left the wretched place as soon as we could manage. It is hard to imagine anyone spending the entire night (let alone years) trying to get the host to understand, to cooperate and to provide them with the things they needed.

Yet when it comes to a relationship people routinely do just that. They can not simply acknowledge the fact that their partner is not capable of understanding or caring about their needs, let alone of fulfilling them. Somehow it is so hard for some to accept the fact they were stuck with a person who is in a way incapacitated when it comes personal relationship that they would rather believe in some kind of demonic, satanic nature of the person conspiring to inflict that much pain on them, instead of seeing that the person they demonize also suffers greatly from not being able to relate naturally and from constantly being on the receiving end of other people's disapproval and judgement.

Remembering all of the encounters that hurt me so (if I am being completely honest) I can see that most of the time my "enemy" genuinely did not know how to give me what I need, or in some cases how to even want to give it to me. And blaming and raging at the people like that may seem righteous and bring a bit of a relief, but ultimately it only means that next time we will not see the same situation coming on. We will still be convinced that some people OWE us certain kind of treatment or actions only because it suits us. In a way, we will be exhibiting the same kind of behavior we blame the Narcissist for, as we have no interest and almost deny the experience of the other person as it does not suit us. Now, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this, but if among the listeners there are some people who are ready to at least consider what I am saying for a second, then it all was worth it.

So just to illustrate what I am trying to say here. Suppose you are in a romantic relationship with a man, and everything is coming along swimmingly. You go on the dates, he brings you flowers, you go on a trip together (here we ould ask ourselves what makes him act so perfect, but that is another topic)... THEN one of your conversation turn into a slight disagreement and he completely flips out. He is raging, chairs are flying  - you are feeling scared and confused. A few moments later, realizing that he has gone way too far, he apologizes and promises that that would never happen again. A classic setup for a domestic violence situation, right?

At that moment when he apologizes and asks you to forgive him, you have several choices: you can make an exit as soon as it is safe to do so, and never look back. You can flare up two, give him back what he dished out and then some, and then it would be a battle of the wills and volatile relationship. You can smile, accept his offer at a consolation gift/dinner whatever and pretend that nothing happened and you can try and question what triggered this kind of the reaction and how does see himself when he acts that way.

I would venture to say that the choice number one is the best one as far as your safety is concerned, But we also know that it not probably one a codependent person would pick. Consider the second choice - to rage and fight back feels very powerful, but still gives too much of control over your feelings to the other person. If you really found the behaviour he had shown earlier unacceptable, you would do your best to distance from the person. not try and connect with them more by explaining your feelings and expecting a reaction from them The third choice would be also popular among codependence - to pretend that nothing is wrong and that was just a fluke is to choose to protect your illusion and disregard the painful reality that was just shown to you as plain as day. It is not being nice and does no favors to the other person at all. Contrary to what most ppl think,  a dysfunctional relationship destroys both people and makes them suffer greatly in the long run. Just as you do no favors to the alcoholic by accepting their lies about how much they drink, you can not help an abusive person by pretending their terrible behavior is not real or very easy to quit.  So it is a lose-lose situation and both people will pay the price if they decide to go down this "pretend" path together. Now, the fourth choice was a bit of a trick. To remind you, I worded it this way: you can try and question what triggered this reaction and how does he see himself when he acts that way. If you assume that by "question" I meant literally asking a question of that person,  it may sound just like another set-up for a codependent person, focusing on their partner and letting them control the narrative and shape the story as they will, and let their illusions and defenses cover it up.

But what if I did not mean to ask THEM a question. What if I meant "consider" what triggered it etc. And not so that you can excuse them, but so you can truly SEE them, not your fantasy and not your (unmet) needs and your ruined romantic story. Once you see the true person - who is not completely in control, broken and aggressive it would be very easy to get to the option number 1, and not just automatically screening out unwanted behaviour but consciously realizing the whole depth of the situation and learning from it, so that you do not have to repeat it in the future. THIS IS what I am getting at. I am not saying accept who they are in a sense that you let them abuse you - of course not! I am saying see who they truly are and not your own illusion, your idea which can only overpower your judgment if you do not truly care about who the person is as long as they fulfill their assigned role in your scenario. Oh. my God, I feel like I am going to be hated for this, but yeah, I am saying it. I do not think it is possible to be sucked deep into a romantic situation with a Narcissist if you are willing to actually pay attention to their whole person, not their assigned role in your life. And it is not possible to take responsibility if you do not have the true picture.

Coming back to our earlier analogy, if you are in denial about your host condition, if you are thinking they are pranking you or worse, do it to you on purpose in some cruel plot, you are in for much more pain and a lot more wasted attempts to get something out of a hopeless situation. Once you know they are not coming through for you the solution is clear.  Similar thing can be said about an abusive partner, still in your life in the flesh or as haunting memory in your mind and heart - as long as you see them as actually incapable, emotionally and mentally unfit to fulfill your (or anybody else's) needs then you are more likely to chalk it up to an unfortunate occurrence (not unlike a natural disaster) and focus your attention on what YOU can do to feel better.

The elusive closure can be easily had without your ex-partner having to clear up the mess (which is fortunate because there was a very slim chance that they would every do that) - and it feels amazing to finally resolve to quit expecting others to do things differently and simply allow yourself to take care of things.

As a conclusion, I want to say that I did have an opportunity to revisit this lesson again when I run into a very difficult situation and once again ended up feeling powerless and sad. Although there were many components to the situation that had me feeling down, I realized that there were many of them I could not control and I decided to consciously focus on what I could do, and making one step toward a better situation for myself  no matter how small. I chose one simple action to take, and even before I actually did it my mood had shifted for the better.

Often times focusing on circumstances and people's power over us has us feeling completely powerless and afraid, or angry. Shifting focus to what YOU can do, even if it just taking a walk, cleaning up your space or eating a fruit instead of a cake can do a lot for our self-esteem and mood. And that is something that your abuser can not control (unless you let them.)

Dear friends - I thank you so much for staying with me until the conclusion! It is important for me to get it out as I care immensely about all the people who are suffering and are in search for the good information and practical solutions so that they could feel better once again, I still remember my own quest for the truth and how gut wrenching the first steps toward these insights were. I thank you all and I love you all, I care very much about how you feel and wish you all the best. I just want you to know that as I am telling you the things that might be hard to take at first - I only do it because I genuinely care.
On that note, please be well and we will speak again soon!

Trust and control in Narcissistic relationships.

This is a transcript of my new video, you can find it and all of my other videos on my youtube channel called NPDrecovery.

Hello, everyone! Thank you for joining me again!

Since I am using this new way to make the videos, I am feeling much better about being able to maintain a steady flow of new material for the channel, as I am in total control of all the elements of the process, except for uploading and playing the videos, which were all fine so far.

Now to the main topic of the video. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a Narcissist can attest to the feeling of underlying unease, something unwholesome and even dangerous lurking under the surface even in the very beginning and in the so-called "love-bombing" phase of the relationship. Now, charmed and overly trusting partners of the Narcissists are not always consciously aware of those inner alarm signals in the moment, but later on, while recovering from the abusive relationship, many of us will remember all the times those signals went off, but we were somehow magically distracted from fully realizing them and implications they hold.

It is worth mentioning that this state of cognitive dissonance when we have two conflicting sets of data and we do our best to ignore the one that we are not ready to see, can bring a lot of damage to our own ability to trust and have a good relationship with ourselves, but that is the topic for another recording.

For now, let us consider why do we have those signals, why do we keep feeling tense and "on guard" even when everything seems to be perfect on the outside? I think that is not only because our inner self says "stay away' or even "run for your life" since it knows the truth even if it directly contradicts what we can perceive on the surface. It is also because, being sincere, open and compassionate individuals, we can pick up the inner tension the Narcissist experiences when he or she interacts with us.

And let me attest to the fact as I am fairly certain that deep down the state of unease and downright misery never leaves the Narcissist. Not even for a moment. That is because they are convinced they can not afford to show their hated inner self to anyone, because if they did everyone would put them down or reject and abandon them right away. Of course, having to constatntly put on the show and appear much stronger, more in control and put together then they really are is taxing and deeply unhealthy, and, unable to self-reflect, Narcissist are more likely to transfer the blame for their inner state on you - their partner, even though you can do absolutely nothing to ease the pain(even if you really want to do that.) We can now remember the axiom "Hurt people hurt people," and see why it is not easy for the narcissist to keep up the pretense for too long considering the actual state they are in.

So I hope by now you can see how this all connects to the topic of the video.  Though they can appear very confident and strong on the surface, Narcissits will never trust you to accept their inner self and will do anything to prevent you from even seeing it. That is because they themselves learned to deeply dislike and reject their inner self. When their parents or primary caregivers treated them in cold, punishing, overly demanding or aloof and disinterested way these children concluded that they must be inherently flawed and unworthy. Then they had worked all their life to create the impeccable self that will be deserving of love and approval, even if it was just a facade. They never had a chance to realize that beynd our childhood experiences, each of us is responsible for own self-love and acceptance and other people will simply take our own attitude as a guide, not knowing and not being able to affect what goes on deep inside of us.

And that is where first part of the Narcissist-codependent dilemma comes in: as codependents, we can not affect the fundamental lack of self-worth that Narcissist experiences. It is actually the other way around: our inner settings, our innermost beliefs and attitudes that determine our reality in a sense that we will justify, rationalize and perceive events in accordance to those. For example, if a Narcissist really feels they are not deserving of real love and acceptance in the relationships, they will  devalue the partner who is giving them that type of nconditional love and acceptance. In other words, they will sooner conclude that there is something wrong with the partner for loving such a flawed, no-good person than they will believe that they are actually good based on the type of feedback they get from their partner. Now, remember this all happens on deeper, subconscious level, you will never hear the Narcissist say: I feel like I do not deserve your love, No, right the opposite - they will rage, and insult amd make you feel like you are the one who does not deserve to be with them. This is the process known as the projection, where the Narcissist, unable to face their own grim reality will instead project those issues on you as their partner. Nevertheless, deep inside they are hurting and desperate to experience that same deep self-love and acceptance they are denying themselves. It is very sad.

So, the bottom line: the Narcissist can never truly relax and trust their partner in the relationship, because they are unable to believe their real selves are worthy of good treatment. So they will pretend to be something bigger and better: all powerful, flawless, incredibly hard-working, talented, perfect mom, impeccable dresser - whatever it is they feel equals "great", and can help them earn their place and fit in. They can never get the concept that they already belong simply because they are here and they are human; there is something good and something not so good in all humans and that is alright, that is just how it goes.

Being unwilling to stay vulnerable, to connect, to trust - all of that stems from first very traumatic experience they had growing up. Some people conjure up enough energy and strength to re-calibrate and gain their confidene and self-acceptance later in life, and some were just so deeply hurt and confused by those first experiences with intimacy and trust that they have not been able to recover yet.

Once we have been through the incredible trauma that is a relationship with a Narcissist we become a lot more careful, and for a good reason: I think we can all agree that it is best to be vigilant and keep a safe distance from anyone like that in the future.

However, if you are still stuck in the relationship and for whatever reason can not yet distance yourself, perhaps knowing the inner dynamcs behind their confusing and seemingly irrational behavour will be of help. I do hope though that you will use this knowledge to comfort yourself and balance your own inner view on the stuation, and not to try and change how the Narcissist feels or behaves. As was mentioned earlier, your best efforts are not going to penetrate deep enough, where the Narcissist holds the unseemly truth under lock and key even from their own conscious awareness. Avoid needless conflict that becomes inevitable once you trigger Narcissit's defenses by implying they may need your help and compassionate (as opposed to worship-like) attention. Consider the situation privately, get used to seeing the real state of things in safety, and then do your best to come up with new sets of attitudes based on the newfound insight.

This is all I have to say on the subject for now, Thank you for being a part of this discussion! Feel free to share your thoughts and questions, and be aware that you can reach out to me privately, too. If you would like to get more consistent content if the future, please take a minute to support this blog or my channel by using "donate" or "support" features on both sources respectively.

Best of wishes to you guys and talk to you again!

Part 3 of "Depression - three major components and why they CAN be transformed."

Quick recap: In the Part 1 and Part 2 we have established that while a well-defined stressful incident (like being fired from a job), traumatic period in the past (e.g. being abused as a child), or even physical trauma can trigger an initial bout of depression, things can quickly spiral out of control due to self-feeding nature of organic, mental and emotional patterns such an episode can bring.

Being incessantly rehearsed in one's mind, negative thinking patterns and perceptions soon become a deeply ingrained belief, and then even become a real feature in one's life.

Here is a pretty common example: for whatever reason, a person decides that they are not good enough. By their own subjective standards they have failed as a spouse, as a professional, or in whatever capacity that is most important to them. By taking the initially isolated sense of failure further, they begin to feel as if they are deeply flawed as a person. All-pervasive feeling of shame begins to work its way into their psyche, and before they know it they dislike themselves so much they begin to isolate from people who are important to them. They suddenly feel like they are not good enough to be sincerely appreciated or wanted as a company. They no longer initiate contact, and what's worse, they do not return their friends'/loved one's phone calls/emails and reject invitations and offers of company. Left alone, in absence of a different, more balanced perspective, they sink deeper into the sense of inadequacy, left to listen to shaming voices of self-imposed echo-chamber.

Not knowing what to make of their friend's sudden loss of interest, and often assuming  they are too busy or simply lost interest in this particular relationship, the now soon-to-be ex friends begin to fall off the map. They do not initiate contact anymore, and the streams of social invitations gradually dries out. Needless to say, that only reinforces our unfortunate recluse's belief in their flaws. Feeling isolated, lonely and inadequate, they will likely to feel and think worse about their person.
Bottom line: a reaction to one unfortunate, traumatic incident  mushroomed into an all-pervasive pattern of thought and behavior that did the person in. Their ones mistaken opinion (I am not worthy of a genuine love/friendship) created an objective situation that would only reinforce such a belief.

OK, we outlined the problem - now what about a solution?

As most of us know, simply fighting the way you feel (and what you came to belief) does not work. Especially when your energy is sapped by a depressive episode. What I am proposing may sound a little counter-intuitive at first, but, in my experience, it works much better than the alternatives.
We have established in the previous posts that while a state of depression is supported on three different levels, it is probably easiest to start working on a cognitive change first. So you have a voice inside your head that keeps re-cycling all of those nasty thoughts that just make you feel worthless. And I say - agree with it! Say what?! Yes, agree with it. The dialog can go something like this:

"Judge"-How could I get to this point in my life? All I do is sit in my bed and surf the web all day. I can't believe how lazy, irresponsible and weak I really am.

You: I agree. I am behaving in way that can be seen as irresponsible. I am not doing much these days, which can be seen as being lazy. AND I am loved and beautiful, because life (God, divine will - whatever suits you best) flows through me in every moment I am alive.

I gave this little exchange as an example, but, of course, you can substitute the beginning for any hurtful thoughts you may have.
Instead of trying to fight the validity of the blame simply establish the bigger truth that you deserve to be loved because you are here right now, because you exist. Life, as a loving awareness flows through you and sees the world through you. You are deemed beautiful and loved simply by virtue of being that which life flows through.

This whole 'theory' may not make a lot of sense if you take it as an intellectual exercise. So don't.
Simply try this next time you here the onslaught of blaming-shaming voices within you. Give in.
Acknowledge them, agree with their 'message' and then proceed to love and cherish the life within you anyway. The priceless spark, the soul and the spirit that only you can know - it IS. There is no
reason to keep it cut off.

A little 'trick' I promised to discuss in the part dealing with Emotional component, actually is very much in harmony what I have just shared. I am pleased to say, there is an almost seamless transition from one step to another. I hope to meet with you again in Part 4, Emotional component.

Part 2 of "Depression - three major components and why they CAN be transformed."

In Part 1 of this series we briefly discussed the nature of the disease that is depression, and its arguably the most-sited component: changes in brain structure as well as responses that are unique to depression.

Now it is time to unearth the second 'layer' to this complex condition: cognitive traits.

Before we focus on that topic in earnest, it is worth noting, once again, that all of the layers - biological, cognitive and emotional are interdependent, they affect, modify and, in case of depression it would seem more accurately, "feed" onto each other, producing more and more dire states as time goes on.

As severe altering of the brain biology can produce a drastically different states and attitudes in a person, affecting both cognitive and emotional functioning, so can prolonged state of extreme stress - whether emotional or mental - alter the biology, and indeed the very structure of the brain (as evident in case of hypothalamus and amygdala), bringing with it new level of intensity and the nature of the responses.

With that in mind, let us proceed to the cognitive part of the puzzle :)

Suppose, as in an example we were discussing earlier, one was abused as a child, which led to altering of one's brain functions and responses. How is this going to manifest in the cognitive process? If the "danger" response part of the brain is overactive - because it has been stimulated for so long it went in the overdrive - the person is going to tend to focus on anything that 'threatens' them and therefore, in their mind, jeopardizes their goal of survival.

They will inadvertently hone in on the people and situations that they deem unsafe, and will perceive every minuscule bit of data that an unaffected person would never make an effort to discern.

/In my opinion, herein lies the secret of Narcissist's and/or Psychopath's "supernatural" ability to recognize, almost intuit people's tiniest signals, their wishes and moods. It is common knowledge that a large chunk (if not a majority) of people who have NPD and/or anti-social disorder were severely abused as children, which in turn led to profound change in their emotional and cognitive processing of the outside input. Anyway, back to our example./

What do you suppose this type of hyper vigilance, an intense focus on the factors that the person deems crucial to their survival, will do to their overall ability to function and perform? There is the same 'law' to this as to accounting: If the inordinate amount of energy is spent on performing one task, this means that the energy can not be expedited elsewhere. Thus the person may appear 'spacey', unable to concentrate, loosing focus, forgetting things etc.

Given the limited 'view' from outside, people may wonder just what is going on, and even the person affected by this may not consciously realize the mechanism behind their reactions - they may have been living in such a state for so long that they perceive it as normal. In addition to having their energy tied-up in this unconscious state of hyper-alert, they themselves may feel like they have little control over their apparent lack of concentration.

What is such a person likely to think (or, more accurately, tell themselves?) "I can not believe this! - I am such an airhead. I can not f on the lesson, I get stuck where everyone gets it with ease. I must be stupid" Now, looking a little bit ahead - what emotional states such thoughts are likely to produce? How might that affect the person's behavior? And in turn, will those states and behaviors alleviate or exacerbate the problem?

When emotionally and mentally overwhelmed, many people will go into protective mode and shut out the part of themselves that seems to 'cause' pain (more accurately would be to say "the part of themselves that holds the energy of the traumatic situation, until said situation gets resolved.) In order to function in their everyday lives, they simply "package" the uncomfortable parts of themselves and pretend they can move on without really having to resolve anything. Such attitudes towards their experiences and emotions, though understandable (and very prevalent) still brings very poor results. Unresolved feelings sooner or later manifest themselves in the most troubling ways, and a habit of denying our own real feelings and experiences can lead us too far astray, sometimes in the realm of neurosys.

In case of depression, we know for a fact that as a part of coping strategy, the area of the brain responsible for processing memory and emotions literally shrinks in size. In addition, in many cases the brain cells get "conditioned" to respond disproportionately to negative stimuli, and "ignore", or have far less response to neutral and positive input. Sounds familiar? Depressed people are notorious for seeing the world in "black" - they only focus on negative and painful events to the exclusion of everything else.

What about the first part - how does reduction in size of that certain (crucial) area of the brain manifest itself? Well, first the person stops experiencing the normal fluctuation of the emotions every healthy person experiences from time to time. It gets to the point where no matter what positive or negative situations arise the affected individual simply does not experience a response at all - they get the same flat, "numb", sterilized feeling no matter what the circumstance. (this one was, and occasionally is, big for me personally).

 Also, short term memory and ability to focus suffer as well. Now, this is likely to produce something like the following thoughts: "What is wrong with me? I used to be a completely different person. I can not even get any joy out of holding my grandchild (child, pet etc.) This is just not right - I am a disgrace to my family." as well as "I am always confusing/forgetting important details. I am going to get fired one of these days." Needless to say, this does only deepen the problem by making the person feel more inadequate and out of control. The more such thoughts and feelings run amok, the more one's self-esteem suffers, the more they try avoiding potentially embarrassing/ upsetting situations and so the vicious cycle is gaining momentum.

Repetitive negative, self-critical thoughts followed by feelings of deep shame and inadequacy (or numbness if the individual has gotten so overwhelmed they have opted-out of feeling altogether) are at the the heart of the disease. Worse yet, overtime they proceed to affect the brain and therefore hormonal processes further, making one sink deeper and deeper until there seems to be no way out.

It is not a pretty picture, huh? However, if we just approach it from purely antithetical point of view, what do we have? Some kind of a traumatic event (either physical or psychological, or both) altered the way one's brain is functioning, processing input. That, in turn, produced less-than-ideal perceptions and thought patterns, which then alter one's emotions. We know for a fact (it is scientifically proven) that each of the three factors - biological, cognitive and emotional, has the ability to affect the other too. If one is willing to change, where precisely do we start?

We all know what happens if we attempt to simply alter the first - biological (chemical) side of things. There are many ways to go about this, and the most common by far is to take the "missing" hormones and/or other necessary bio components in their synthetic form.

/Because I trust in your own ability to judge for yourself, I will not comment on this other than say that, in my opinion this is not an ultimate way of finding genuine and lasting relief from depression./

What else then? I do not suppose than one can do much about altering their emotional state when they are in the throws of a deep and dark depressive episode. For all of those "well-wishers" who recommend to "snap out of it" and, even more so, for those of us who are sick and tired of hearing that, I will say it again - depression is no joke. It is not some fleeting fancy one just able to wave away. There is a multi-dollar industry built on providing relief for the sufferers - and as much as I am not a fan of such solutions, it is BIG for a reason. That said, I will provide some practical steps that can be useful for natural altering of the emotional state in Part 3 of the series, and they work fabulously for me, but I will be the first one to recognize that they require an expenditure of willpower a deeply depressed person may simply be unable to muster at the moment.

/There is a little secret to jump-starting the process which I will be very glad to share with you in the future post on the emotional factor./

Supposing both of above passages are true, what are we left with? Ah, that's right! - the cognitive process - the way we consciously perceive and (key word!) verbalize said perceptions to ourselves. This we will discuss in detail in Part 3.

For now, we just want to clearly understand the three major components of the depressive state, and by that virtue open the door to the possibility of mastering it.

Depression - three major components and why they CAN be transformed. Part 1.

Depression sucks - plain and simple. If you ever had the misfortune to be affected by the decease,
I did not have to tell you this (other than to validate your experience). Others - the ones who have never been through it, however, find it difficult to relate to a depressed person's experience, and some even go so far as to doubt that the real problem exists. "Pull yourself together" - they say - "Snap out of it!" As if the person suffering through the darkest moments of their live have simply failed to recognize the need to "snap out". Clearly, if they had what it took to get out of their miserable state, they would have done so without any reminders! You do not exactly tell a person with a broken leg to pull themselves together and start walking as everyone else does. With depression,  however, as it is often the case with emotional and mental conditions, most observers simply fail to see the link.

Frustrating as it is, do not let them discourage you, or make you more feel more inadequate and likely to blame yourself. Depression is real, it requires some real work (utilizing some real science) to recover, but the best thing is - it is entirely withing your reach to start feeling better.

I am the living proof that one can overcome the darkest states without the help of pharmaceuticals, though the path by no means has been an easy one. Just to let you know that this was indeed serious,
I have been diagnosed with chronic and severe depression, and I have made a few attempts on my life early on. However, as the time went on, I learned how to overcome the worst periods, how to cope, how to function (though, sometimes, barely) and - best of all - how to slowly but surely get better over time.

Recently, my close friend had become extremely depressed, and since I have been through the state, I have clearly recognized the signals. In order to help him, I now had to clearly communicate what I have learned, as well as do more research in order to give weight (scientific back-up) to the ideas.

That got me thinking: there are a lot of folks in the similar situation all around the world. Since I am already streamlining and organizing what I have learned both through experience and research, why not share it? Though it will undoubtedly take many posts to cover the the subject, here is the first basic summary anyone who is troubled by depression should get familiar with.

It is easier to think of depression, if you underline the labyrinth of symptoms, states, effects and manifestations that it can produce with one simple structure (kind of like creating a map for a complicated natural landscape.) Here are three main areas where depressive states, once triggered, become a sort of sinister feedback loop that, if unchecked, soon transforms in a vicious cycle sucking you deeper and deeper into private hell known as depression.

So here is the first, and the most scientifically discussed factor:

1. Brain (and hormonal) composition.

Here is a fun fact: there is a certain area of the brain, called hypothalamus (which, among other things, deals with  emotion and memory) that is shown to be SHRUNK up to 25% when depression is experienced. (The good new is, it is also possible to regain the normal size, if a person have successfully recovered and stayed healthy for a prolonged period of time.) So there are actual organic changes your brain that take place when you are under immense stress that prolonged depression brings. (not to be confused with the stress that actually can initiate first bouts of depression, which we will talk about later in the third component/factor.) There are also profound changes in how the nerve/brain cells transmit and process different signals/information, that, though may be of a cognitive nature (second component) at first, may overtime "materialize" themselves in the actual brain processing changes.

Before we go any further, let me introduce (or remind you of) a concept called neuroplasticity. It is both fascinating and encouraging, at least for people who have bought into science's earlier notion that mental disorders such as depression where 'hard wired' into 'faulty' brain structure, and there was nothing we could do about it, other than pop pills and bear the side effects.

Long story short neuroplasticity simply means ability, as well as tendency of our brain to change in response to input and/or environment.

Say you were abused as a kid. Every day was a chaotic, deeply terrifying ordeal. If that kind of extreme stress went on for years, it is only logical to expect that the amazing survival-oriented 'device' that is our body will find the way to adopt, take in the input that it is receiving and make changes accordingly: it will likely alter the way we respond to extreme stress and an onslaught of hormonal, and therefore emotional storms it produces, and that in turn will alter how we express ourselves, as well as how we handle our thoughts, perceptions and memories.

If we were simply to leave the individual in shell-shocked state, even when changing the environment to a safe one, we can not expect them to automatically fully recover, because the damage the extreme situation produced have altered the chemistry -  indeed, the very structure of the brain, and reversing the changes will require highly focused and persistent work.

Another interesting fact is that our brain cells can attune themselves to 'highlight' and give priority to specific kind of responses. This makes complete sense as well. A soldier in combat quickly learns how to focus their attention on things that represent a threat, since their survival depends on it. In the same way, a kid that was physically abused will focus and heighten their sensitivity to particular "vibe", situations or facial expressions that can be a precursor of further abuse (though it is important to understand that creating intimidating and/or chaotic atmosphere qualifies as an emotional/mental abuse in its own right.) Growing up, without sufficient competent help the individual will likely focus on singling out similar expressions and signals from other people, and will dedicate a disproportional amount of their energy on dealing with the perceived threat and response to such signals, compared to a person who had a happy, self-affirming childhood.

In a case of depression, it is often the case that people give priority to negative input, focusing exclusively on the information that is likely to deepen their despair and/or confirm that there is indeed little to no hope for them. As for emotional response, that has been likely considerably muted, for the purpose of stopping the negative emotion's overload, and the chemical/hormonal mayhem it unleashes on the body.

The takeaway: there were likely perfectly rational, survival-oriented reasons for particular wiring of your brain in the past. Even if you do not think they were particularly traumatic experiences, your body likely had a pretty solid (from its perspective) reason to respond in a way that it did. Now that we had (hopefully) made it out of the particular environment that had called for such changes, given the awareness we gained, we are free to set up new cognitive/emotional patterns that will let us reach and remain in the state of wellness.

In the next couple of posts we will discuss:

1 Cognitive component and 2 Emotional states that pose a challenge in depression, as well as how to bring both of those back to balance.

Thank you for reading and please know that it is possible to make it back to healthy, balanced life.

Here is a link to a free course that could be of great help to those stuck in dysfunctional relationships.

(If you can not open it, try http://www.innerbonding.com/IBWeb/downloads/free_courses/Free_Course.pdf )

I do hope all of us let more peace into our lives...

Trust and Narcissistic personality.

Just a little note before I start on the main topic: through the research I am doing for my book I found that in reality Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial disorder have the same key core components, but the outwardly expressions of the states those components create differ in quality and in a degree of strength.

For example, after going through a lot of studies, clinical data, scientific articles, journal entries of individuals with a confirmed diagnoses and also taking into account my own personal experience, I can conclude that the basis for Narcissistic, Borderline and even Antisocial personality disorder is an overwhelming, out-of-control sense of FEAR, or better TERROR which we also can define as the absence of trust. While Borderline individual will cope with this by begging and clinging and doing everything possible to avoid a sense of separation from an individual who they count as significant (while at the same time exposing that individual to such strong bouts of rage that can only be perceived as hate by the unfortunate recipient), Narcissistic personality will cope by erecting the wall of false persona to hide behind and sometimes by emotionally manipulating and seeking excessive signs of approval in order to feel more affirmed and protected, and Antisocial personality will deal with the overwhelming sense of horror by completely disassociating from the whole spectre of emotions, by presuming everyone in the whole world is psychologically organized the same way they are therefore expecting the worse, and sometimes by ignoring or even seeking out obviously dangerous situations as in equal measure a stimuli and a relief, as they will never compare to the inner world of silent horror the individual is forced to occupy.

This, of course, brings us to the main topic of this entry. Keeping in mind the request of my brave readers who suspect they bear many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and would like to remedy the situation as best they can to share my thought on what particular steps could be taken, I am happy to share that I do indeed have another concrete piece of advice (btw, I also put it on my personal agenda, and if there will be anything useful to say I will share my experience in the later entries.)

So the advice is quite simple (but only in form of a phrase, not as an action :) ): consciously train yourself to trust more. If you notice, I did put in a few particulars: I didn't simply say "trust more" or even "learn to trust more" as it would imply a simplistic, as well as a somewhat too finite quality of the process. As I said before, as an action it is not as easy as simply hearing and intellectually processing the advice. Somewhere deep inside of you there is an imprint of a certain state and/or situation or perhaps (and more likely) a whole succession of situations and connected to them emotional states, that convinced you that the world and/or the people inside the world are inherently unsafe and can not be trusted. You lived with this internal "setting" for some time, and in some cases it served you really well, so there is a very slim chance that your unconscious (or even conscious :) ) side will agree to part with that deep inner perception easily.

Here is the dreaded (yet almost unavoidable) cliche: training yourself how to trust is a process. You are almost definitely going to experience bewilderment and a feeling that you do not even know that you do not know (typical for almost any kind of real learning), then frustration at the pace of the progress, and the fact that most people have no idea what you are going through (not all that new for people with NPD) and then also setbacks, wanting to forget it and give in and just hold on to what is familiar and also that (personally dreaded by me) sense of not having clear, sensible reason for going through all that mess, as we never even experienced the feeling and states of greater integration and true intimacy that supposedly should serve as a stimuli, an end goal and a "prize."

And no one but you will ever know what exact choices you should make to ever reach that goal, as you could only see the pointers from withing, yet, of course, some of us are not accustomed to feeling what is going on inside of us so well, and so we are bound to make a few wrong turns (if not go in circles) more than a few times.

Well, I do not blame you if all of this does not sound too appealing. :)

I, personally, decided to give it a go. Here I will share some of what I concluded, though I do want to say that I suspect this type of work varies a lot from person to person and I would sincerely encourage you to look within and decided how YOU going to go about it and what goals and priorities you as an individual will bring to this process.

So, for myself I think it is worth it to start by acknowledging that part of me that withstanded all the immense trauma I had to go through and still is protecting me in a way that is somewhat effective. I admire its loyalty, its will to endure and its honesty in a face of hostile circumstances.

Then I recognize that despite my still feeling like that wounded little child inside my outer circumstances have changed dramatically and that there is no reason for me to keep feeling like that right now.

Then I personally start working on my view of the whole world, not the specific person or situation that perhaps generated that reaction in the first place. In my opinion, when we go through a seriously traumatizing situation, our inner perception of the whole world as a (formerly) secure and friendly place changes - we feel betrayed not only (and perhaps not as much) by person as by our entire means of existence, our greater environment. For me personally it seems like it is the most significant, and perhaps the most difficult bond to repair.

So I started with my inner relationship with the world as a whole, and perhaps more importantly with the force, the main idea and the deepest meaning (for the lack of a better, more dynamic expression) of this existence and my life within it. I am not sure whether I am making myself clear, and perhaps I will edit this (out?) later, but those experiences are beyond words and so are often difficult to put in the inflexible frames of verbal expression.

All I can offer at the moment that I concluded that nature of our human existence is in unison with any other form of nature that we see: it is to grow and to strive and often in a very unkind if not downright brutal circumstance that we are challenged to survive or to yield to someone whose will to survive is stronger. In Eastern philosophical and spiritual traditions God is often depicted as someone who created the entire Universe to, in effect, entertain him- or herself, or, perhaps, to experience himself (or herself) in a capacity that is more controversial and polarized than his (her) usual all-encompassing, almighty and homogeneous state. :) It is a very cute theory, no? I always liked it and often came back to it in my mind. So it is if she (or he) just made a puzzle out of her (his) own existence.

What I am trying to say is that perhaps we should presume that a state where we are missing something is actually a norm within the circumstance we live in, and then a strive through a (sometimes overwhelming) difficulty is still an innate process and that by this means we are learning, growing and experiencing our ever-changing qualities. And though we do not always see meaning of this through our Ego-limited view, in a greater, infinitely more fluent, powerful scheme of things, a part of which we still embody, the strives and the challenges we are going through make a lot of sense.

All of this elaborate thought-structure was created to get around the fact that defenseless little creatures like children or kind, trusting people are often brutalized and traumatized in this strange world we all live in. If we were to learn to trust it, we must make a conscious choice to trust it despite the obvious inconvenience we have experienced before. And the more consciousness, good will and willingness to give up our little-minded Ego views we bring to the proces, the better the chances of us thriving. Of course, for some this whole assertion will not make any sense, and I have been there and thus perfectly understand them. However, this is what I personally "unearthed" when I decided to dig up my mistrust, my hurts and insecurities, and I could honestly say this brought the whole new quality to my perception of this world.

P.S. There will be a continuation of this topic. Please forgive me if this post reads a little uneven. I am going through a very painful situation and today I decided to write despite feeling more than a little upset :) (that is because if I was waiting until I feel fine I may never write a post :) ) Anyway, I will have more to share on this and a similar topic and so I am looking forward to seeing you soon!

Please share this post to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on relationships.
Thank you!

Healthy vs. wounded part of self

Recently I was fortunate to work with a wise and sharp-minded therapist.

Among other things, she has drawn my attention to this quality of a human mind/personality:
practically all of us had an experience when we felt perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our actions, and felt strong and competent. The context for this assertion was that most people coming to therapy expect to work on their childhood experiences, wounds and the deep-held believes that were, for the most part, results of those wounds. I, too, came to therapy with that notion, and in all honesty I still believe that a lot of our present problems do depend on our experiences as children. This therapist, however, did not share this believe and in fact she told me that she downright denies her clients' frequent requests to work with their childhood wounds.

And this is the part that picked my interest: she stated that in her view every human being has what she called a 'healthy personality' and also a 'wounded personality', and all of us at one point or another used one of those as a platform for our actions, or, as she put it 'leaned' on it.

Now, I see no need to 'split' out internal world on two separate personalities :) and I would say instead that we all have separate 'sets' of certain states, beliefs, emotional, mental and behavioral patterns that we had accumulated at different stages of our lives, and that sometimes one of those 'sets' gets activated at the 'expense' of the other.

For example: you have agreed to meet your friend, came to a place of a meeting and have waited for her for a long time. She is obviously late and haven't called. You have a couple of different ways to react:
You may get frustrated and angry, feel disrespected by her lack of communication and storm out of that place, promising yourself to ignore any of her future attempts to connect.

Or perhaps you would feel worried, or sad and alone; or may be you would just assume she had her reasons for behaving that way and wait until you have more information to react.

Of course it is not hard to notice that one of these possibilities sounds a lot healthier and more balanced than others. Human beings can react in variety of ways. My therapist asserted that all of us choose healthy behaviors at times. The trick, she said, is to 'lean' on the healthy part as much as you can and put less attention on the wounded part. I liked that idea for its optimism, though, as I said, I personally still believe in the necessity of working with our childhood hurts.

A few days later I had an opportunity to test my therapist's idea in action. A friend of mine who I came to rely on had suddenly proved less trustworthy a few times on the row. The 'offenses' were relatively minor, but I, with my tendency to blow everything that has to do with my persona :) out of proportion, was cycling in my usual "she has betrayed me therefore she must be cut off from my life" mental rut, and then I suddenly 'heard' another part of me say: "Well, she trusted you enough to invite you to her house and let you sleep in her place, and she cared enough to be there when you were sick and lonely, so clearly she loves you and cares about you and deserves your trust and good will as well."

May be it is the usual thing for most people, but let me tell you, nothing of the sort has EVER happened in my mind. Nearly all of my interactions are organized around immediate benefits that I can get out of people, and I manage my connections very tightly exactly from the perspective of the most precise and beneficial gain. It is awful, but this is honestly how my mind operates and my life goes... The time that I do not spend persuading, managing and/or manipulating someone directly, I spend pretending that I care and showing off my good thoughts and deeds in hopes of giving the people enough reasons to give what I need in return. :/

Getting back to the main thought: I guess the idea that there is another, healthier part of my mind, of which I simply haven't made much use, had somehow stayed with me and later got 'highlighted' in such an unusual way. :) I am very pleased with the result and so I share it with you guys on hopes it can be of help.

 I was able to honestly more deeply relate to my friend that night, be genuinely grateful, connect and forgive her meager slip ups.

If I didn't have that little 'breakthrough' I would probably have to talk myself into not cutting off yet another connection because I still might need that person's help in the future or simply going with my darker feelings and ignoring her... :/

Yes, this is how sad and barren NPD-affected individual's interpersonal relationships really are... BUT there is hope, and I invite everyone who is looking for solution and reading this right now to try and imagine, or better yet, connect with a healthier part of their Self. Perhaps it would help to remember times when you felt more real and connected to yourself and others as a result of a different choice of pattern in thought and/or behavior.

From my experience I can tell you that being in your 'healthy' state feels like you are in touch with your body, energized, stronger, more connected to the present moment and your surroundings.
The physical sensation is unmistakable in a sense that you know you are right where you supposed to be.

I hope this can point you to the place where you too can find an authentic and empowering connection with yourself and others.

One new (somewhat unexpected) skill to learn while getting over Narcissistic Personality DIsorder

I was going over some material related to NPD and found one interesting thought (I am hesitant to quote because this particular excerpt is in Russian, and it is rather long and academical which makes it difficult to translate...) Anyway - the main idea is that a person with Narcissistic Personality disorder possesses a false sense of their own importance and entitlement, as well as a tendency to mistrust and (here is the interesting part) therefore finds it difficult to ask for what they need directly. I am assuming that is because they feel like people around them should realize what is it that they need and put that agenda front and center. In addition to that, some of their deeper emotional needs, are intimidating, as they make an NPD sufferer feel extremely vulnerable and confused. It's a, small wonder than that a Narcissist avoids discussing their needs directly, hoping and fantasising about a special time and persons who would be able to figure it all out.

Of course, in real life such "ideal" state of things is hardly possible, yet Narcissists find it extremely challenging, even humiliating to come out and say out loud what is it that they are requesting. NPD-affected people routinely resort to manipulation, lies, all sorts of tricks in order to bring about fulfilment of their supposed needs and goals without having to ask and therefore expose themselves (and their fragile pseudo-egos) to the risk of being denied (read humiliated.)

I found this view both fresh and helpful. It certainly rings true for me. I immediately concluded that I should challenge myself more to talk about my needs and feelings in the open and therefore expose myself to a natural outcome, rather than trying to plan, scheme and control my way into a guaranteed result regardless of the needs and wishes of the other person.

On my channel's discussion boards and in private messages, I often get questions from people who recognise certain Narcissistic traits in themselves. The most common one is - how can I deal with it and make it less hard on myself and others? I feel like this is a rare chance for me to give a clear "prescription" - do challenge yourself to express more of your real needs, feelings and thoughts even if that means to expose yourself to less-than-desirable (immediate) outcomes. Because in the long run you clear out your own inner "backed up" mental and emotional debris - the ones prevent you from healthy relating to your own self and that of others.

More of NPDrecovery materials are coming, but... I may need your help

Hello, everyone! Thank you for reading and for coming back to this blog. It means the world to me that there are people who appreciate what I am doing and make sure to let me know via comments, subscriptions, etc. You are a BIG part of this project and I just want to let you know I am sincerely grateful to each and every one of you.

I have had some technical setbacks that prevented me from sharing all the material I wanted to share this last few months, and

I am perilously close to my set "deadline" for the book - that would be reaching 2000 subscribers on my youtube channel (thank you all for your support). So I am officially FREAKING OUT! :D

The situation is compounded by the sad truth that I am totally broke at the moment and barely have enough money to pay my rent and eat - and I do mean barely... SO when I need to invest in a camera so I can produce more videos for my channel, or when I need to have my laptop's keyboard repaired, I get stuck, often for weeks or months because I simply do not have enough resources to get those things done in a fare amount of time.

So, if the materials I put forward so far have been of help to you (as many of my viewers and readers indicate) I am asking you to please consider a small donation to help the project along.

It is only fare if you can not bring yourself to contribute - each of us have our different circumstances and I would be the first one to understand, given where I am :) but if you are in a position to help, know that many more people would benefit through your good will, as I am going to be able to produce more content that would help everyone who is looking for the information on the disorder and the process of recovery.

You can find a "Donate" button on the right side of the page, right under the Google+ icon.

THANK YOU for reading and for visiting this site.

Best wishes to you!

P.S. I am furiously working on the book, using a friend's laptop for now (when he doesn't need it) - so expect the "product" of my strive to come out some time very soon! :)

Beginning of recovery - my own experience.

I've been thinking about a question that most of my viewers/readers ask me : "How did your own recovery begin?" Prior to this moment I haven't been up to discussing that because it opens up another, even more personal layer of my life. However, my desire to find and share the truth has been my saving grace so far and so I am going to continue. I will describe exactly what happened to me and in doing so, hopefully, point to a way out of seemingly never-ending cycle of pain that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The biggest clue I have been able to find is the source of identity and the way it relates to their "true self." Now this must be very confusing for many people (I know it was for me) and dreadful as it is, I am going to tackle explaining this the best I can.

Many people identify with the predominant "voice" in their head  - the constant stream of thoughts, judgments, anticipations, worries and references to the past in an attempt to determine the future - as their main source of knowing who they are. Some go so far as to completely identify with that "voice" and treat it as the only source of credible information about themselves and the world. Everyone is familiar with that part of their existence, but there are people who completely equate themselves with the voice and do not let even the moment of quiet, direct experience of the world to come through unobstructed by their "analysis." In a case of Narcissist, there is a very definite reason for this guarded, inflexible, fear-based attitude, and in my view it lies at the very core of the disorder.

Now, lets examine where does this so-called "voice" come from? Omitting all of the professional jargon that does more to confuse than to explain :) I will venture out and say that it internalized rules, views and ideas of our parents and/or other significant caregivers as well as societal norms and ideas we have been raised to adsorb has much to do with the content of our inner "talk." It looks like we have first grown accustomed to and then "appropriated" the same ideas and underlying emotional tone of the people ans circumstances that had played a significant role during our childhoods. Think that is a little far-fetched? See if you catch yourself unawares when you are running a familiar "script" in your mind when you are reacting to a particular person or situation, or even to your own behavior. Then try and put the last few words you can remember on a piece of paper. Look at the words with as impartial attitude as you can manage - where do they seem to come from? Are they as loving, friendly or even truthful as you would want them to be if they came from your real self? (A little "test" that someone mentioned in a self-help Q&A and that stuck in my mind was to take your typical verbalized criticism of yourself and imagine you were talking to your best friend that way. Are you horrified? Is that kind of talk is absolutely out of the question? Than why are you treating yourself that way?) And more to the point of our earlier hypotheses: "who is talking down to you in those moments?"

For myself, epiphany struck when I finally realized I kept criticizing myself and treating myself exactly the way my abusive Narcissistic mother did, down to seething contempt of my real feelings, and persistent neglect of my physical and emotional needs - and this is decades after I have left my parental family's household. I unconsciously continued the same script to run, perpetuating the abuse and sense of profound sadness and despair that I felt growing up.

Horrifying as it was, this wasn't the main point that struck me in that discovery, although, of course, it was crucial. Even deeper point was "If the voice who is doing the abuse is against me, then WHO IS "ME?" Now, from an intellectual point of view this strange question may seem quite bizarre or even ridiculous, but if you go with the moment and try to imagine what I was going through, then perhaps you will see it - I clearly had completely relinquished a big part of myself, and so completely identified with the punishing voice in my head, taking its view of the world as a total, complete and unwavering reality, that I hadn't even been aware another part of myself existed! Talk about being deformed - I hadn't even been allowing any of my true needs or feelings to surface - so beaten down and unworthy I had been judging that part of myself to be! I was utterly shocked when it first came to me. Then I start feeling so much compassion for a little sweet child that had to go through years of emotional starvation, feeling unacknowledged and lost. No wonder I had been feeling hopelessly depressed and so awkward, ill-fitted for society and for life itself.

I had been wounded, betrayed, stifled in my growth and sacrificed on the altar of my Mother's immense ego, and worse of all I have been perpetuating the abuse by believing in what my mother told me, by still holding her standards and her ideas as basic rules of how to relate to myself and how to live my life. I had to at once acknowledge and apologize to that little trusting, vulnerable part of myself that endured so many years of maltreatment. And at that moment I felt like I had found something worth finding, something very important and real, something that held a key to a better existence.

This story can perhaps illustrate an idea I have been meaning to share: much of our suffering comes from a misidentification- a misalignment with the voice (internalized, perpetuated experience) of our abusive past that we take to be more valid and real than our neglected core self. As long as we are unaware that the other part of us is still suffering, starved for energy and care, we will continue to lash out at ourselves and others, driving hard in a never-ending strive for greater control, more ardent approval, bigger achievements and so on, wondering why does it feel like our life had lost its meaning long ago.

To begin a journey back, we need not add anything to ourselves - we have to take away,  we must tame that abusive voice within us in order to feel who we really are.

Narcissism - getting out of fantasy word...

It has been a while since I wrote any "personal experience" posts, and there is a reason for it  - some of these personal growth experiences are so hard not only to go through but also make sense of- your established mind patterns do not really want to give up so easily, and that almost always results in a kind of "mental block" or confusion and "fog" that some of my readers also describe. Good news - we are aware of it. Bad news - we have no idea how to make sense of things that just don't :)

The reason I am writing all this is that today I had kind of an interesting break through and, in a way, it has to do with getting around established mental patterns. As many of this kind  of experiences, this one happened in the morning, while I was still lounging somewhere in between dream world and "reality" but my mind was already starting to run its usual script. It had to do with what would happen if I had control and opportunity to affect the world in more direct way (if you ever looked at NPD diagnosis criteria,, then you know that preoccupation with fantasies of success, power etc. is one of those) and then something unexpected happened... Right in  the middle of the tirade about how I'd fix everything if only I, and not some bunch of idiots and thieves were in charge (heh) another line of thinking had come in and basically asserted  that I have no business wasting my morning  hours fantasizing about stuff that sure is not going to happened and that it was just a plot to divert my attention and avoid the messy task of paying attention to my real self and my real life and what really needed to be done. Immediately after realizing that "message" I felt a physical sensation of what could only be described as satisfaction deep inside my body, and I have to say that I, like many affected people, struggle mightily with ever feeling connected to my body, let alone experiencing it in such a profound way.  I guess I am trying to let you guys know that most people who "live in their head" and so associate with their "upper", cultivated persona that they downright shun and neglect the imperfect, human part of themselves - those people would do well to try and develop a better relationship with their body - the physical side of their being, which should help them to integrate their "upper" knowledge into something more "real" and workable.

Of course, theoretically I knew all about that diagnosis criteria for a long time, and I even spoke and though about and analyzed it quite a bit. But never before did I experience real integration of that knowledge to the point of self-reflecting like that. 
I am sure that other factors were involved as well, but I am particularly excited and hopeful about being able to relate to my real self, my body included, and being able to receive that "feedback" and therefore establish what is "real" and healthy, taking care of the confusion and disconnect so many affected people have to deal with and try to overcome.

Another look on therapy for Narcissism

While conducting research for my book, I came across this interesting work on the subject:

http://www.processwork.org/files/Bill%20Say%20Narcissism%20final%202%20pdf.pdf

Although the "process work" part of it was a bit long-winded for me, the "introduction" part with various takes on the origin and internal experiences of Narcissism were mostly in accordance with what I sensed during my attempts at better understanding and recovery.

I hope it will be a useful and interesting source for some people who are also searching for the deeper truth beyond the prevalent "popular" take on the disorder.

More on psychopathy and its relationship with Narcissism

Here is a quote from Hervey Milton Cleckley, M.D. famous book - The Mask of Sanity, that describes the difficulty psychopathic people experience with deriving meaning from their lives the way a normal people do. While psychopathy is a deeper and more troubling condition than Narcissism (though lines are blurry when we are talking about extreme cases of NPD.) I can not help but see some parallels when it comes to socially appropriate behavior:

"He (the psychopath - NPDrecovery note) cannot achieve true and abiding loyalty to any principle or any person.

He is not adequately moved and he does not find subjective stimuli to make the major issues of life matter sufficiently to promote consistent striving."

In other words, the difficulty lies with not being able to connect and produce emotional satisfaction (or distress) from upholding (or violating) one's values, since values and by extension, rules that protect those values are not given serious consideration in the first place.

What most people find hard to understand is, in effect, a very simple concept: psychopaths and, to some extend, Narcissist behave in a certain way because there is no "barrier" to hold them from violating particular principles. In fact, they do not see it as violating at all, since there are no such values/principles in their world... 

For us breaking someone's heart, betraying trust or taking advantage of a person's kindness is unthinkable, but for them it is just a matter of opportunity to fulfill their needs.

Once again, I see a big difference between psychopathy and NPD, but they are, in effect, within one spectrum (if on the different areas) of a disturbed mind and so one can perceive similarities even when equating the two would be too much of an assumption... 

Q&A: Why do Narcissists sabotage themselves?

Here is a request I received recently:

"(...) Can you explore this subject further in your writing/posts: Narcissists need/want admiration, but the big irony is that when they treat others badly, or fail to show authentic remorse or gratitude, they undermine the very admiration they seek. If they showed true remorse or gratitude, they would build trust and gain deep admiration, rather than pushing people away. When confronted, if instead of saying "I'm so terrible" in a sarcastic tone and feeling threatened by criticism, they instead used some objectivity, offered some sign of caring, of fairness, they would create a reciprocity, and get all they needed! It seems unfortunate that they don't learn this, and keep repeating the pattern. Once again, I really appreciate your work and willingness to put it out there."

Here is a short way to answer it, and I promise  to explore  this further in my book/future posts :

"(...) I guess the difficulty in understanding Narcissist's behavior comes from persistent myth (in my opinion) that Narcissist can make a rational choice in how to react and relate to people. It is called a disorder for a reason (and recent changes do not really cancel that as much as acknowledge overlap of certain conditions) Narcissists can no more control the way they really relate to people than a limping person can control the way they step. That is to say the real reaction to outside stimuli is deeply hardwired in their brain and is hardly a matter of a rational "picking" one view over another. 

Their actions is a whole another story. Many Narcissists, of course, can and do alter their behavior (for a while) to suit their ultimate purpose. However that type of 'surface" adjustment is seen as manipulative and misleading, and only serves to further harden the resentment toward them. But I assure you, this type of concealment of their true relations with people is all they can muster in even most honest attempt to behave in more acceptable way. 

It almost seems like you are proposing that kind of "cost-benefit" analysis when you wonder why they sabotage their own needs. Of course, should the Narcissist heed your advice, there would be many people ready to call them calculating monsters.

Truth is - at least the way I know it - that a Narcissist can not easily change their ways authentically - most of them are far from acknowledging that they even have an issue (in other words they are in complete denial in order to protect themselves from further trauma), let alone setting on a hard road toward finding a solution. The roots of the disorder are far deeper and more intertwined than most people realize. I am sorry I fail to provide you with an easy solution or answer, but I must remain honest, and I fear such a (simple) answer does not exist... (...)"

Upcoming eBook.

Thank you for visiting! Sadly, my video project, the results of which you can find on youtube NPDrecovery channel, has to come to a pause until I find an alternative way of producing similar videos. In a place of the videos, I am currently working on an eBook titled "The desert within - the inner workings of a Narcissist" Please let me know whether you would be interested in receiving the book once it is available. First 10 readers get it at no cost, though I would ask them for a brief (and completely authentic) review in exchange for a copy. Please let me know what you think of the idea and whether you have any questions or requests. Thank you!

Narcissist's biggest fear.

What is it that makes a Narcissist feel truly uncomfortable - what is their biggest fear?

If we were to guess, what would be the first few answers that were likely to appear in our mind? Let's see: first, Narcissist craves attention therefore he must fear being left alone and ignored. Alright, this seems fitting. Also, a Narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth, which means he hates being treated as a common, unremarkable person as much as he loathes being put down and humiliated. This observation seems fair as well. A Narcissist, in fact, can have very many fears - big and small, all branching out of their distorted view on themselves and reality around them, the "fantastic" view that gets challenged almost at every turn. Then what might we consider to be their biggest, their ultimate fear?

After much digging into my own mind, further researching the topic and considering those who are suspected (or diagnosed) Narcissists, I had to conclude that the fear of all fears for a Narcissist is the fear of losing control.

If you have dealt with a Narcissist in the past, this may at once confirm your experience and challenge it. We do know that a Narcissist loves being in control, craves it and indeed will go to great lengths to make sure he has as much of it as possible. But can that really be IT - the ultimate, the most important factor in his life? To illustrate why I really think so I must explain and expand the definition of the term. Of course, being in control often means having a position of power and influence over other people's feelings and behavior, and Narcissists are notorious for being very persistent in trying to gain and secure this type of control over their family and other people who are close to them. Indeed, the most egregious incidents are known to happen when the Narcissist is lead to believe he or she is losing their control of their partners.  

Setting that aside for a minute however, we can consider the broader definition of control - being in control of one's own emotions, behavior - one's life. As children, Narcissists are often made to feel powerless while simultaneously put in the position where they must prove their self-worth by performing better than an average person. This teaches them too lessons: lesson number one - your survival (because for a child approval and affection of their parent equals being able to survive) depends on how well you perform, not how you feel and only people who perform well are worthy of affection, and lesson number too - you are powerless unless you are not in full control of other people's feelings. Therefore, the power and search for control are placed externally, not internally, since controlling one's "audience's" emotions can keep one out trouble, while one's own feelings hardly matter at all.

So it is little wonder then, when a grown-up (in terms of physical form, at least) Narcissist places such great value on their ability to control other people's emotions and their actions toward the Narcissist. Because one's own feelings are rarely considered and explored, they become, by enlarge, an enigma to a Narcissists - and the further he moves away from his core, the scarier that enigma becomes. So when I say a Narcissist is most scared of losing control, I want to point out that this also means their fear of losing themselves in their own scary, uncontrollable emotions. They would much prefer to keep those locked away and would rather not open that "Pandora's box." Hence the fixation on keeping a steady stream of external stimuli, and ever more persistent attempts to control other people's view of them in hope of bringing some sense of balance in their world. 

However, there is another layer to his same fixation on control and being terrified of losing it. I would put it simply as a "fear of life". This may sound kind of absurd. But if we think about it, it is merely the extension of the same old fear of losing control. 

Every truly developed, well-functioning adult knows, and has learned to deal with the reality that life is messy, unpredictable and full of surprises - in summary - it is pretty much uncontrollable. Despite your best efforts, you never really know what is around the corner - people once madly in love get divorced, babies get born and loved ones die, and there are myriads of other things that we do not control but still have to learn how to deal with. I am convinced that the Narcissist is not truly capable of accepting this reality, and a lot of "mysterious" behavior that boggles their partner's mind can be explained by this simple fact. They are terrified of the truth - the outside world is not subject to any rational law, and therefore their life is never fully under their control. Observe anyone who you believe to be a Narcissist and I guarantee you that you will soon spot their inability to let go and let the life come to them as it will. 

Possibly due to their childhood experiences, they are convinced the the world is full of danger, ready to hurt them, nothing is as it seems and that they must be alert and up in arms at all times. They can not live with the fact that they will gain some advantages, relationship, things and lose the others, as well as accept the truth that they will lose their prime physical shape, age and die some day, just like everyone else. Their building the fantastic alter ego is just an attempt to shield themselves form unsettling reality - that they are rigid, inflexible structures that are not at ease with the ever-changing unpredictable life. All of the free-willing and smooth talking in the world can not hide away the relentless grip of control that is behind all that "charm". When they do not have anyone to control, the Narcissist are left with the cold truth: they do not know how to be at peace with themselves, their life and the fact that they do not know what is coming next. That is the most terrifying place of all.

I'd  would like to conclude with this: many people ask me how to "make" a Narcissist understand what they are going through, or how to make them feel a certain way. I am guessing there are some disgruntled victims who, at least for a time, would like to see the Narcissist suffer the consequences, than at least realize the magnitude of their (N's) issues. I say, if you want a Narcissist to finally fully face the enormity of their problem - do not try and "make" them feel a certain way - just leave them alone face to face with their own reality and they will be forced to confront the beast they have been trying so hard to escape. 

As for the people who suspect they may have Narcissistic traits, as hard as it may seem, allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up in the moment and just breathing, observing it and letting it happen, then noticing that your fear of that process is largely unfounded is the only way that I know of for reversing the construction of the "wall" that keeps you isolated and incensed to real life. Judging from my own experience, being brave enough to go down this road will give you new and uniquely satisfying way to feel at peace with yourself.

 

Thank you for reading and for your support! You are welcome to check out my NPDrecovery youtube channel and share this blog to raise awareness of Narcissism and its effects on our lives.