Calculating, manipulative Narcissist

Today's topic is important, because it points to the very core of the issue most people find offensive when dealing with the Narcissist - their calculating, manipulative ways often make their close friends and family members feel used as if they were some disposable mechanical objects, not living human beings with their own feelings, goals and loyalties.

 Let me share with you what I know about calculating, manipulative tendencies of the Narcissist first hand- from my own experience. 

I now clearly realize that I engage in constant calculation and "profit and loss" kind of analysis virtually every time I am thinking about any relationship. Because I never experienced any other way of relating to people, this realization was not that easy - it simply has never occurred to me that other people could have a different way of perceiving matters. 

I tried to understand where this pattern of thinking could have originated, and concluded that it was "instilled" in me very early own, long before I could access it righteousness or even usefulness in my life. Let me explain. My mother, being a Narcissist herself, has trained both me and my brother to literally anticipate her every whim and every move. If we did what was "right"in her book, we were rewarded with praise and, however shallow and fleeting, approval from her. But if we got it wrong we were in REAL trouble - she would punish us with seemingly endless rage-filled fits, complete with shaming, threats and insults that were totally disproportionate to the supposed offense. I know to many of you this behavior sounds familiar, and you, no doubt, can appreciate what it does to even a grown person, let alone really young kids. So then you realize the incentives were pretty strong to get it right. 

To help us "learn" what we were supposed to do, we were continuously subjected to lengthy explanations about how a certain behavior, or a feeling we displayed affected our mother and how we should behave instead, in order to make her feel better. And that type of "training" did not stop with just herself either - she also coached us on how to behave around other people on order to get the best outcome (mainly for herself, of course) and she often gave us a very detailed account of how a certain person thinks and behaves, and what personal traits do they have that can be leveraged in order to achieve a certain result.

This is where an important point, in regards to today's discussion, really lies. I have no doubt that many Narcissist learned very early on (probably well before this type of knowledge should be naturally acquired) how their behavior affects and determines actions of other people, while simultaneously being discouraged from producing authentic actions based on their real state of mind. Such excessive "molding" of their mind, while traumatizing them, also taught them a valuable lesson - one can always get their objectives met if he or she knows just what buttons to push when a certain person, group of people or a situation is concerned. In our household, your ability, your intellect and indeed even your value was mainly judged on how well you understood that point and how well you could "work it" in real life. Provided, we were very poor and disadvantaged in many ways, I can see how this type of thinking in could have aroused from necessity, but I also can't help but remember my mother was quite pleased and proud of the fact she had such skill of dealing with people and thought herself much more intelligent than those who could not "get" it.

I am only recounting the story to help you get a glimpse at least at one instance of a person who by many accounts is extremely calculating (of no longer manipulative) and can give you a sense of where this pervasive patter of thinking could have started.
 With years and years of conditioning by living side by side with her and having her as a sole adult we could depend on has done its job. Both me and my brother know much better than many other people how someone mind's works and what kind of personality should we "morph" into in order to achieve our goals the quickest and most efficient way. I say that I am no longer manipulator, because unlike my mother and my brother I derive no pleasure or sense of pride from being able to "fool" other people. On the contrary, that makes me feel rather "turned off". 

The whole situation had only come to light for me when I realize that under no circumstances can I relax and simply trust a person who is next to me - I am always "running" every even remotely plausible scenario of things going wrong and make my own "contingency plans" for each one, as if I was running an endless war exercise or chess match in my head. It is exhausting, and, as you can guess, it is ultimately counterproductive to fostering any close relationship. However, I am compelled to concede - I can not really stop it. Although I can, and I consciously have stopped myself from acting on such knowledge, unless it is really necessarily as a form of defense, I can not really stop perceiving people I meet and situations I get in that way. 

Until recently, I thought that everybody had ability to "calculate" future outcomes of situations based on the facts they see, and I sometimes thought people unnaturally stupid (pardon, please) or even presumptuous for thinking that things work out in different way just for them, despite the pretty obvious facts and past instances where they clearly haven't.
I think every one of us hear of a despicably arrogant and self-centered "white collar criminal" or con artist that after tricking people out of their hard earned money and burning their best feelings of trust and high regard with the realization they have been "played" has the audacity to state that if his victims were stupid enough to believe in what he was laying before them, they were "asking for it". this is an extreme example, but it is a good example of the type of thinking many manipulative Narcissist employ.

Because of their earlier trauma, mentally they are forever "on alert", on the lookout for the next instance when someone tries to trick them or for the next kick in the teeth. So many of them genuinely can not understand how somebody else can be that blind or naive as to not see the obvious, and let them "work it" though they had all the means of seeing the situation clearly. See, in the Narcissist world trust no longer exist. Every man is out for themselves, in you are not strong enough, mentally or otherwise - it is your loss. That is their Modus Operandi and their justification. 

If they choose to engage with you at all, it is always for a reason. Make know mistake every "debit" and "credit" of your interaction (emotional or otherwise) will be carefully recorded and stored until it is time to "settle the bill" - which is forever looming on the horizon, no matter for how long you know the person and how well you think you can trust them. Because were are talking about a Narcissist, not a full-blown Psychopath, emotional, or, should I say, psychological debits and credits get recorded too. This math, however, is likely skewed in one direction: if you praise and generally treat the Narcissist as an outstanding, very special, extraordinarily talented person - you are merely "staying afloat" - that is too say not loosing, but not really gaining points either. however, should you insult the Narcissist - and of course, you know by now that imaginary or unintended insults are just as real in his book then you might just loose all of your previous "savings" and indeed get yourself indebted.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that the Narcissist by no means feel obliged to inform you about their "rules' of what constitutes an offense and how much would it mean to them in terms of the future of your alliance. They will simply put a little "check" in their mind and then make you pay for it, though you may have not the slightest idea what was the real reason behind their sudden assault. 
That will be especially true if they still need you to furnish other, more tangible rewards that were the reason for starting your relationship in the first place. Say, they still need you to supply certain information from their business competitor, or they need you to serve as a convenient "cover" and add prestige as a "stellar" spouse or a partner while they are trying to charm the public. They may be insulted by a certain gesture or off-hand remark of yours, but they will bide their time until you have served your other, utilitarian purpose - THEN they will discard you all the more ruthlessly since you dared to question their supposed grandeur. 

In conclusion, here is the analysis of two correlated currents that keep your involvement with a calculating, manipulative Narcissist alive: it is the purpose you can serve to further his goal- this is initial, and main reason for that type of Narcissist to engage with you in the first place. Then there is also the need to maintain their "uncommon" view on themselves through your admiring eyes - although this requirement is secondary, that can still wound your relationship with the Narcissist to the point of him turning vindictive. If you "wounded" his pseudo ego enough, he may opt to end the relationship right then and there, and continue searching for another, more appreciative companion. If though, the benefit you are providing in more practical sense is important enough, they may choose to still keep dealing with you, but I promise you - they will never forgive you the real or supposed insult you were unfortunate enough to be linked with.


Of course, there is another scenario where you have seized to be of use, but still provide a pleasant background with your favorable view on the Narcissist. In this case you are likely to be disposed of all the same, even though you yourself haven't done anything wrong. You see, this type of a Narcissist is truly like a calculating machine, that does not want to be stopped and bothered with any "expenditures" that will not further his goal.

There is only one exception to this rule that I am aware of: there could come a moment in the Narcissist's life where everyone inn his immediate circle has caught up to his tricks (that is not difficult to do, for once you are used you are abruptly discarded, treated in dramatically different way, and contacted only when needed again) - and so the Narcissist has exhausted the sources for his supply and will "settle" for any, even imperfect one. If, despite being used and treated badly, you are still insistent on wanting to help, change, be there for the Narcissist, and does not have more appealing options at the moment, he will then, of somewhat reluctantly, "settle" for you. For the time being, of course. 

Because the 

moment the more suitable choice arrives he will sprint in the exhilaration of the fresh chase, living you in the dust, often only to return when the new "shining star" refuses to accept the foul treatment and otherwise questionable "rewards" fo the relationship you were willing to accept. And there, perhaps, lies the secret of the serial cheaters and their long-suffering spouses, who are willing to accept the "wandering husband" back in their arms time and again, possibly viewing themselves as extra understanding and forgiving, while their spouse is likely to just see them as "not their first choice", something less than ideal, but nevertheless "OK" to fall back on, if no other more enticing choices are around.

I am well aware that might sound pretty rough, but I would much rather be open and honest in hopes of reaching the ones that are "ready" for the message, then simply feed more "fluff" to those decent and indeed long-suffering people who quite remarkably choose to stick to their Narcissist against all odds.

I will continue to explore the topic of manipulative, calculating and vindictive Narcissist in my next post, discussing few possible tactics of incurring the least possible damage while being entangled in their schemes, as well as limiting the probability of their future attempts to manipulate you.

Here is the corresponding videos for this post:

Part 1

...and Part 2

...heal thyself

So, I decided to take my own advice from the previous post, and try and renegotiated the terms on which I relate to myself, or, rather the terms on which my Superego relates to little ole me. I thought about it for a moment: what have I been doing up until now? I have been fighting that punishing, scolding inner voice the best I could, wasting most of my energy on this, ultimately, futile pursuit - trying to pretend or prove that I wasn't as bad as it was making me out to be, that I actually deserved acknowledgement and respect. Trying to hold all of that negative talk back and "hold the fort" up until the moment I suddenly couldn't anymore... Then I would give up, concede that I am indeed nothing but a sad, lost, no-good loser and therefore do not have the right to exist. 

Then, predictably, a period of withdrawal and kind of removed, disengaged attitude and depression would follow. So, that is what I have been doing up until now. If ignoring the punishing, berating voice won't do, and fighting it won't do either, than what is there left to do? Reason with it, perhaps? Well, in my experience it helps somewhat, but it does not take away the depth of the emotions its attacks produce anyway. So what then? Agree with it (Gasp!) on the merits (though, perhaps, tone down the degree a notch), but count its basic premise that being faulty automatically means not being worthy of acceptance and love out as untrue. 

It would go something like this:

Punishing voice within: You are a loser - what have you done with your life so far that is good?
I: I may be less accomplished than I could have been, but I still choose to love myself, since this basic love and acceptance is the only real way to be.

Any person who has loved, or even witnessed love in any of its forms - mother to child, lover to lover, owner to their pet will surely know one does not have to be perfect to be accepted and loved. Why, then, should you and I wait until we are flawless to feel good? We should not! Simple as that. Now, the other thing is to remember it and not slip into a familiar pattern of feeling assaulted and having to "prove" myself. There is no proof, and there is no need for the proof. I accept myself as I am and the world around me as it is - in all of its imperfection and beauty.

And I hope you know you are part of that wonderful world as well :)

This is the video I am referring to in this post:

Narcissist's "up and down" cycle and a proposed way to bring it in balance.

In this post I will try to allude to the reason for Narcissist's up and down cycles, as well as the solution to bringing peace to this seemingly hopeless inner dynamic.

To regular people Narcissist's sudden shift in interests and moods seems confusing, but, in my experience, there is an underlying logic behind this seemingly irrational behavior. Let's remind ourselves of a few important facts: the Narcissist's internal motivation varies a great deal from that of a regular person - they act, perform, indeed even exist in a constant pursuit of further proof of their own exceptional value as a person. Please note the word "exceptional". I will explain in a moment. 

Of course, this continuous desire for approval and upholding of the Narcissist's unrealistic view on what he is, or, in his more candid moment's, what he should be, but hopelessly is not is rendered hopelessly inadequate by his own uber vigilant, punishing and persecutory superego, which is only too quick to remind the Narcissist about all of the guilt and shortcomings that he will forever have to grapple with. Because this persecuting voice that was in all likelihood internalized from the overly critical or unfeeling parents, the Narcissist never, but never is able to experience lasting relief and self-acceptance. 

The fleeting moment of joy comes when a valued and respected opponent (because the Narcissist views every living being as a threat and opponent in some way) when that counter-party furnishes some praise or heartfelt positive feedback for the Narcissist. Then the Narcissist can let himself off-guard for a minute, enjoy his moment in the light and feel good. However, if the praise keep coming, constant and assuring as it should be in a normal, stable adult relationship, the Narcissist starts noticing that his inner deeply held view of himself and the feedback he receives from another person do not square. He can not just let himself off the hook and start believing what other people believe him to be - he feels that deep inside he is undeserving, unloved, deficient little fellow who could not even secure the love of his own parents. 

So what is the Narcissist to do in this situation? He has two choices: to stand up to his internalized punishing inner voices and at last assert himself as a valuable human being, who although not perfect, is still deserving of love and acceptance - OR keep clinging to his illusory grandiose view on himself designed to match the equally disproportional and downright fantastic requirements his inner parent imposes on him and then, by continuation, to discount the opinion of the person who likes him enough to keep coming around with the same positive attitude time and again. It is like the Narcissist is caught up in never ending cycle of first trying to prove that he is so special, so outstanding, so enormously gifted and he should be accepted even with all of the inner quits and shames that he keeps carrying from his childhood, and then letting that punishing, sadistic part of personality frustrate his best efforts at being accepted. 

The moment he feels he is on the pedestal, at last - the realization comes that deep inside he knows he does not deserve it. He must take himself down by sabotaging his efforts, devaluing and insulting the person who's opinion he valued so just yesterday.  You know this sharp and very accurate joke about Narcissist not being willing to join the club that would accept him - that is about the gist of it. After performing that familiar act of self-destruction the Narcissist can find himself sinking in the quiet state of disinterest and defeat, justifiably feeling hopeless in the situation he has no idea how to control.

The Narcissist can't win - the game is set up in a way as to forever lead him on the chase that can not end until one of the main premises of this game is destroyed, pulling down and destroying the other part with it. The trick is - there is only one correct sequence in that 1-2 step of destruction of this unfortunate "setting", and nearly everyone goes about it in the other way. 

Here is how it works: as we already established, the overblown false "ego" is constructed to withstand constant vicious attacks of sadistic, grotesquely overly demanding Super ego, that was internalized to funnel the guilt, shame and sense of inadequacy the Narcissist likely felt in his formative years. So, let us think about which of those two - the oversize ego, or the vicious voice within gets damaged by social disapproval or circumstances of reality that the Narcissist can not control. The answer invariably will be - the former. It is impossible to go through life without receiving blows to your ego, especially when your requirements in that respect are rather high.

 So what happens then when the false construct gets attacked? The Narcissist has an overwhelming sense of panic of being even more inadequate and even more undeserving than he initially felt. He fights for his false ego as if his life depends on it, and, in some respect, it really does. Now, what do we have in the end: more humiliation,  deeper sense of inadequacy and MORE reasons for the shaming, humiliating voice to get stronger, and, in turn, even more vivid and determined attempts to protect the false image, that is the only shield from an overwhelming sense of shame. The cycle continues, and stronger than before. 

But what if we chose to approach the problem from the different angle? What if we chose to "take out" the credibility of the vicious voice within first? Now, clearly, it is easier said than done, and in voicing this I am talking directly to the persons affected with NPD or Narcissistic traits, because their partners can not do this work for them, as much as they would like to - this section can be of benefit for them in terms of theory and information. 

So, let's continue our theoretical exercise: what if the credibility of the voice, and, indeed, even its right to exist was questioned? If there were no need for living up to impossibly high expectations, perhaps it would result in greater sense of acceptance and compassion towards oneself. Indeed, these are the antidotes to feeling the usual suspects in Narcissist's misery: shame and guilt. Also, that would probably lead to better understanding of one's shared basic humanity, and that would give way to feeling of greater sense of belonging, community and being part of the greater social network - and there goes our last misery-producing tool - sense of inadequacy. I, therefore, would argue that any hope we have as Narcissist as to try our best to question the validity of the "basic" equation we thought we had figured out long ago: my parent's did not love and accept me,  my presence did not make them happy, or even made them decidedly unhappy - therefore I must be bad, deficient, inadequate and wrong. 

Approaching the issue from purely logical standpoint, it is fairly easy to see that our parent's could be unhappy, cold, removed or  overly anxious for any number of reasons and that their own mental and emotional state is not by any means a reflection on our worth as their children, or now as adults. Though it is quite easy to understand it intellectually, we also must drive the same conclusion to our much deeper, emotional levels, putting out the fire of negative perceptions and feelings about ourselves that has been raging unchecked for too long, consuming our selves, our humanity and indeed our very live for too long. 

The horrific cycle we have been caught in relies on the two polarities - trying to run away from self-hate by pretending we are better than it is humanly possible to be, then frustrating that construct and conceding our own helplessness. 

Take out the need to be "much better than", the need to be perfect and accept the imperfect, yet magnificent experience of living life as a human being. The doors are now open - leave your monsters behind, they will starve and dissolve once there is nothing to feed on. You have a chance to live your life the way you always wanted, and who knows, may that is what the perfect life truly means.

Narcissists "hurt" by not hurting enough.

One viewer of my vlog-  NPDrecovery on youtube-  has recently asked these questions:

"... Why is a person with NPD so easily hurt, yet can not comprehend how their own words and actions hurt others? And if they become self-aware of this (temporarily), what happens? Thank you again, you are very brave and have provided invaluable insight."

Here is my attempt to answer: 

From my experience, what basically happens is the Narcissist reacts more to YOUR raw emotions when she or he are getting "hurt"(perhaps the absence of their own emotional phone is to blame for this extra sensitivity, sometimes also combined with being hyper-alert after having to rely on that trait to survive abusive childhood)- so they just "catch" what you feel and start feeling it and then experience this violent reaction of having to "push" it out and resist feeling unwanted emotions that they perceive as a weakness, and then also the emotions that come as a reaction to those,  like shame, guilt and so that manifests outwardly as rage at you for "making" them experience those emotions.

Suppose you came to them wanting more intimacy, some empathy or when you were saddened or upset by something. Internally, they view vulnerability and emotional openness as a weakness and then also a threat. Often having survived abuse in their childhood they mistakenly attribute the predicament to themselves being too "trusting", vulnerable  open and so on and so they fear and so try to avoid experiencing those emotions to avoid re-experiencing the trauma (which they often consciously "forgot") or even having to witness and therefore being reminded of those emotions and therefore of that perceived weakness.*  It seems they can not react in a healthy way to your hurt or reaching out for empathy - to them it is just an attempt to shame them, to show them how they are to at fault. Once they catch those emotions and perceived implications of those, they will, of course, will try and avoid feeling the pain by turning around and "defending" against you, blaming you and making it all about themselves.

(I can only imagine how puzzling and discouraging it is to be treated like this when you came to a person for empathy or understanding... :/ )

Now, In case when the Narcissist is the one who is hurting someone, they do not really feel anything inside (I know, kind of a horrible thing to say - but do see my point, it is not quite the "usual" implication) - in a sense that they do not really "set out" to hurt you the way they inevitably think you are doing when they are getting "hurt". They do it by NOT caring, by NOT showing emotions, by making sure you are not able to experience them in that way. In their mind they are almost giving you a favor by being so "shut down" and removed, because to them if they do not "bring" their emotions to the table then you can not be affected, since their only mechanism of experiencing discomfort is by "catching" your emotions. In a way it's like they are lacking initiative in the most basic way - they write themselves off as a person who can experience true emotions and therefore also as a person who can AFFECT  other's true emotions. You see what I mean?   (I don't blame you if you don't at first, I bet it is a puzzle for any regular person to think that way) They have not been really 'hear" or "seen" as an actual person when they were forming as persons, so they got used to the idea that their actions and feelings DO NOT truly matter. And in the rare event that they become for a second aware of those buried (and by now totally destructive  feelings, they think the dutiful thing      to do is to "shove it down" as deep as possible and pretend they do not exist.  So if they do not "impose" their feelings on you which, they figure, should make you happy and they are genuinely puzzled when you feel dissatisfied with that.

Narcissism is like a delicate dance of constantly having to re-balance internally, and get the best hold you can of all those explosive feelings and blaming, harsh, criticizing voices in you, while out worldly trying to present a composed, impenetrable  nearly perfect "front". It is exhausting, thoroughly dissatisfying and incredibly persistent - one can not simply stop and catch themselves for any length of time - once they are aware their frightened tiny inner being pushes them back into the "game' since there is not enough psychic energy to confront whatever the person fears feeling through.

As for being temporary aware, I can only speak from my experience and that "realization" always catches me speechless, and I become quiet and kind of (very mutely  sad, because I honestly have not an earthly clue how to stop behaving that way towards the very same people who care about me most. Just a rational realization in my mind, while better than nothing, does not amount to much - to re-condition one's behavior, or in this case,  their whole personality - their entire perception of the world and of themselves - that takes much more than a moment of intellectual awareness.

I attribute the limited progress that I made to the dogged determination to "dig deep"and figure out what had happened to me as a child and why am I experiencing this combined with the willingness to get through as much emotional pain as needed in order to see the truth, the reality of what IS my familiar situation and my make-up as a human being. It is the almost scientific curiosity coupled with the love of discovering the true "motive" behind things that lead me there initially, not necessarily the effect I was having on other people (pardon), though it did play a role later if only by intellectually realizing my responsibility towards others, without the "stick" of corresponding emotions to really make it, well, felt...

Please don't forget that all people are different, and Narcissism IS, after all, a spectrum disorder (even if this was said so many times it lost its original meaning lol)) I hope this helps to a degree, though I feel a little bad that I did not have more encouraging view. Thank you again for your initial question and please do feel free to ask again, comment and share what you think. 

Best wishes to you!

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers: my best wish for you is to find your own light

As daughters of Narcissistic mothers, we have been challenged to a fit that seems to be very hard to pull off: we must find the way to nurture ourselves, instead of looking for our mothers to assist us our growing, learning and gaining confidence. Whereas other babies and then kids have the luxury of their loving and caring parents "holding them up" to grow and develop to their best, we must do the difficult work of "growing up" internally, on our own.

As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us.  And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being  - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...

The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.

Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that  - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it  - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you)  has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.

And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.

Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you! 

Narcissistic Mother

Today's topic is particularly difficult for me to discuss, because it lies at the heart of my struggle with Narcissism. It is the topic of Narcissistic mothers, and their nothing short of devastating effects on her children's life. This topic is important to so many, that I decided to work on it even if it more personally disturbing than usual. I want to apologize in advance, since I am going to use my own experience to illustrate what it is like to be brought up by a Narcissistic mother, and some of the details can be  intense and unpleasant.

It has been said that being raised by a Narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. The negative effects of emotional abuse are so severe that a person often struggles with extremely low opinion of themselves, unsatisfying relationship and rocky, difficult romantic partnerships for their entire lives. Worst yet, realization that your mother did not really care or loved you at all is such a difficult one, that many people spend most of their energy trying to run away from that notion, blocking the very path that could bring some relief and begin the process of recovery.

I know from my own first-hand experience just how harmful being brought up by a Narcissistic mother can be. To make matters worse, ours was a one-parent household and my mother didn't bother to keep good relationship with most of her own family, and so we did not have a benefit of a presence of another, more level-headed and caring adult. Taxing and abusive as she was, our mother was all we had, and, being small kids, we loved her dearly, so we never could imagine that she was at fault. It is only after I have lived on another continent for many years, and had a chance to observe all the supportive, caring relationship other families had, that I began to realize just what was missing from my childhood experience.

Gradually I started to understand why it was so difficult for me to feel like I belong, have value and can contribute something positive to the world. For the longest time I have been treated as unfortunate nuisance, something to be barely tolerated, and constantly reminded of what great sacrifice it was having to raise me. Of course, all of that was done underhandedly, in a way that made sure the message came through loud and clear, yet others could not easily detect it.

     
It makes me furious even now to remember all the times my mother would completely destroy me emotionally in private, than come out smiling, good-humored, if a little patronizing toward me, and start telling all present about my latest achievements in school so that everyone would realize what an exceptional mother she was. Honestly, at the time I was so confused and so reliant on other people's opinions that I took everyone else's world for it and believed that I should be grateful for a mother like her. Only after years and years of working through severe depression, hurt and deep sense of inadequacy I started  to realize that I actually can not even remember experiencing anything other than a sense of shame, guilt, discomfort, and even some kind of repulsion toward my mother, along with an intense urge to move away from her physically. 

Never once I remember being lovingly looked at or embraced by my mother - not once in my entire childhood! Imagine my bewilderment, then when she acted completely betrayed and devastated when I took the first chance I had to moved out from her house at 16. Here was the same woman who made an awful scene almost everyday, crying and wailing about how ungrateful, useless and callous I am, how she should have had an abortion and never have bothered bringing me into this world, and how she would be better off dead, and perhaps she will still consider hanging herself and she wished an alcoholic mother on both of me and my brother so that we would learn to appreciate what she had to give and on and on. She routinely cursed and shamed me, calling me every disgusting word in the book without any proportion to a supposed "offence" I was guilty of - like not saying a "thank you" quick enough after a meal or something. When I was smaller 6 or 7, I rushed to her, cried with her and swore that I cared and I loved her and I would do anything she wanted just for her to stop crying, and made profuse apologies and amends for whatever set her off at the time.

Then, when I reached my teenage years, I started questioning what have I done to deserve such a severe response and even tell her that I do not remember asking her to bring me into this world, and therefore can not be held responsible, and that, come to think about it, I would rather her not given me birth at all than having to live this way. All of the surface bolstering and teenage rebelling aside, I nevertheless suffered terrible shame and guilt every time I saw my mother upset, as well as felt deeply inadequate because I couldn't help her and make her happy. While wisecracking on the surface, I was very disturbed and, of course, nowhere near discovering the true reason behind those scenes - a power trip, plain old desire to emotionally destroy and control. Only much later I started to realize that regardless of what she said and how hard she tried to portray herself as caring and self-sacrificing, my mother routinely made many decisions and acted in a way that betrayed her lack of concern for her kid's well-being. Though I was completely blind to that hurtful truth as a child, I now can clearly see it. Perhaps one of most telling of such decisions was her constant moving herself and her two small children to city after city, across the whole country, uprooting us from our schools, our friends, familiar environments time and time again just to have the last word in her numerous romantic relationships. My mother literally could not stand any length of time without being romantically involved with somebody, anybody - no matter how unsuitable to her life situation the person might be.

She has found herself in all kinds of trouble time and again, and the fact that she had two small children never stopped her from" "asserting herself" through fighting, ignoring or leaving her partner, which meant loosing our fathers for both me and my brother (we each had a different one), and it also meant less and less financial and physical security with every such episode. Even so, I have never questioned my mothers judgement while living through this. Ironically, is when I was once trying to re-establish our connection as an adult that she volunteered a reason for one particularly traumatic move, where I was robbed of any contact with my loving farther by virtue of us moving across the country, and where I forever lost any chance to go to a decent school and have a musical and performance art education for which I showed a lot of promise. 

At age of 7 I had a good school, a lot of caring teachers around me and contact with my estranged farther and his family. Suddenly we had moved to a some god-forsaken town where I spend next 8 years weeding plants and feeding animals (not that there is anything wrong with that), loosing any chance at a decent education and professional career. And, of course, I, in effect lost my farther once more, since I was not able to have any contact with him. I had always assumed there was a very good reason for us suddenly uprooting and moving like that. Imagine  my surprise, when in our adult conversation my mother confided that her then-lover got cold feet being involved with a woman older than him who had already had two kids of her own (that's my mother), and left for about a year to make up his mind, leaving her suddenly, without a chance to make her case and assuming she will be there when he gets back. Wrong move! To spite him and assert her independence, my mother yanked me and my brother out of school and from the place we knew, and moved from a big city to an agricultural heartland since that's where she could easily find a place to live.

And the kicker is, that I don't think my mother realized, not then, not now, not as she was telling me the story, that she has dramatically affected both of our worlds, and forever changed her kids life without giving it any consideration whatsoever. Just to prove a point!

Neither did she worry about her then lover's true feelings, which she demonstrated when the poor fellow showed at our new location just to find her married again, or her previous husbands for that matter, whom she also deemed "defective" and discarded with no second thought.

While we were too young to understand, subconsciously my mother must have realize something was amiss with her parenting style, and would have most definitely received those signals form other people, so she worked extra hard to keep our view on her and on life in general under very tight control. She had to make sure there is no way we would be able to realize that the mental and emotional abuse we were experiencing wasn't normal, that were other happy, healthy families around us. She kept talking to us about how so and so was inferior intellectually, or morally, how their joyful disposition was only a pretense  and how that parent was drinking, and another too pushy and so on. 
She continuously made fun of her sister's parenting skills, even though her sister was the only one trying to help her at the time. My mother was always quick to point out everyone else's weaknesses, which, she thought, made her look even more infallible  Of course, when she played with our impressionable children's minds we believed her - it is only natural for a little girl or a boy to look up to their mother. She was so successful with this "mind control" game that I did not even begin to realize what really has happened to me until I was well into my adulthood. And even then that was just the very beginning of the recovery.

This video recaps the same info that you have read in this post, but I thought I'd still share it so you can have an access to many kind and insightful comments it received, as well as other people's personal accounts of being raised by Narcissistic parents.

Learn more about the topic of Narcissistic mothers here

Thank you for visiting! I sincerely appreciate your time, attention, and comments! Stay well!

Learn more about the topic here

Breaking free of the Narcissist

The nature of the Narcissistic bond and the way to unravel it...

People familiar with the topic often note on how strong, and sometimes downright unbreakable our bonds with the people who hurt us may seem. As almost anyone who has been through Narcissistic abuse will tell you, it feels like a never-ending cycle: feeling very special in the beginning, then feeling hopeful that first feeling will return, then that nagging need for care that is never quite met, being hurt and disappointed time and again and still keeping on hoping for that first "click" to come back again, and hurting, and repeating the same thing through the years of disappointments and pain. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Imagine the despair of the person who realizes they are in this unhealthy spiral, but has no earthy idea of how to come out of it.

I do not have to imagine, because I have lived through this until one particularly awful experience shook me back into being aware, and that was beginning of my recovery. But it took many twist and turns, and I urge you to be patient with yourself: you have been through an immensely traumatic experience, in many cases may times over - and in my view, you should be proud you are still strong enough to look for solutions, you really do deserve respect and acknowledgement!

Now, back to the topic: why do we form such a strong attachment with a Narcissist and how do we undo it?

Any professional will tell you that our attitudes towards love and intimacy stem from childhood. It is from our parents that we learn how to receive (or be deprived of) love, care and attention, how to process and respond to it, and how to give it in return. By the time you were an adult, the patterns of exchanging that vital energy had set in - that is why it is said that every partner brings the attitudes and expectations of their parental home into relationships and tends to view their partner through that mindset. More often than not a person will even choose a partner who will fit in the "mold" of the relationship based on their childhood home.

Let us consider for a second what does it mean for those for people who grew up in the home where one or more partners were a Narcissist. They were groomed and trained from the beginning of their life to serve to demands of the Narcissist and to neglect their own feelings.

They would grow up feeling deep in their heart that their situation is actually normal, because they never experienced truly loving and caring attention. Sadly, these wounded souls will make a perfect target for Narcissists, and they will have a particularly hard time separating themselves from their abusive partners even though "in their head" they are fully aware that it is wrong.

It breaks my heart to think about all of the sweet, loving souls who would go through life giving their best to someone who can not really appreciate, let alone reciprocate, their gifts.

Sad as this situation is, there is a solution, though as everything worthwhile, it will require real effort on our part. It will require all the strength we have to go deep into the heart of our childhood trauma and relive the hurt while seeing it for what it is with our adult minds. Sounds difficult, almost impossible, but this is the way to freedom, and it has to be done.

Let us review the theory while we summon the courage. The unusual strength of the bond we feel when we are attached to our adult life Narcissist is because we subconsciously feel the need to find a resolution to our childhood trauma. And so may your partner. That is why you two made such a "perfect" fit and in the beginning you both had nothing short of elating feeling of "right" relationship. You were "high" on a fresh chance to resolve and heal your old wounds.

But the tricky thing is that you two knew your parts by heart by then and you kept acting it out without even thinking about it. And even if you did think about it, you did not have enough energy and will to just "stop" doing whatever you were doing. Human beings do not work like that.

So what is the solution you ask? The solution is to upgrade from whole "system" that has been installed in your mind by abusive parents. You see, you were taught the rules of trust, love, loyalty, but those rules were skewed. The person who taught you, did not have your best interest in mind - they protected their own. And so those rules do not serve YOU - never did and never will. When they taught you that loyalty means never questioning anything, or that care meant constant sacrifice and neglect of your needs in order to serve them, that is not how it supposed to work - they simply wrote you out of the equation.

     

You see what is so tragic about this? The person who were entrusted with keeping you safe, nurturing you, helping you grow instead had trained you to serve and help THEM. And so you grew up thinking that if you do everything "right" (by those rules) you then will deserve care and love. Well, pardon me for being brutally honest, but how did it work out for you? Right? I only have the courage to say all this because I have been though this myself, and I know how miserable it can feel. It is about as traumatic as it gets to realize that people you were attached to and trusted for your survival were so selfish they didn't even SEE you. Many people in this world will do whatever they can to distract themselves from that horrifying reality, and as a result will put themselves through constant most terrifying abuse to keep running away from that thought. They do not want to see the world can be so cruel - and indeed, how unbearably cruel is that?

BUT! I have a little extra note that could help, and it only came to me after years of working through my own experience:
There is something bigger and more profound than this that has sustained you until this moment, that insisted that you were beautiful and valuable enough to keep alive through it all. It still keeps you living, breathing, loving, wanting to learn more. Think about this.

Then get back to your parents, or your caregivers who "set up" the game in your head where you would continuously share your energy and get nothing in return, and they would string you alone with high words and principals. As an adult, you probably realize that teaching you to keep a secret or deny how you feel against your better instincts was anything but love, not matter how many "right" words they said. Once you see that first lie, you are going to see them all. One after one, they will begin falling like Dominoes.

Following normal grief and sadness comes liberation. You can now clearly see what loving relationship really includes and what it does NOT, you can also see what kept you locked into cycle of abuse for so long. They were the old rules you followed so loyally, the ones instilled in you by your abuser.

    

What do trust, loyalty, love and care really mean, what do they involve? Go through those old agreements and upgrade them based on what you now know about the world and relationships. If you need help finding better sources an "role models", you will find plenty - just look. The most important step is to see your primal relationship in the new light, all other things will follow.

I believe you are strong enough. Please do not hesitate to comment and share what your experience has been and what you feel and think.

It is a difficult subject to even think about let alone discuss, but through those conversations we are experiencing healing, and by healing ourselves we heal the whole world. So live with your heart open and be brave. 

Best wishes to you!

Here is a link to the original lens on the topic, complete with polls, highlights and related videos (as well as few helpful books) here

Here is the original video on the same topic - as usual, I post it here so you have a chance to see the comments and join the discussion on my channel. Thank you!

I appreciate your shares and comments! All the best!