For "victims" on narcissist who chose to hang on to their relationship.

This post is in honor of all of my bighearted, giving, ever-supportive readers who through all the psychological pain, abuse and heartache still are choosing to stand by their abusers and desperately looking  for a solution on how to "awaken" and change Narcissism- affected loved-one. Tonight I was thinking of many questions and personal notes I receive from these people, and I felt inspired to make a post just for them. In honor and hopefully, as a little comfort and help to them and, of course, also as a way to say thank you for being so extraordinary inspiring in your commitment to love, loyalty and compassion.

As almost all of such people who write to me quickly confirm, the most important question in their mind is how can they help their loved one see the light and what they - their partners can do to aid that change. Here is where I risk to disappoint you as my answer won't be exactly along the lines that you would probably expect and prefer, but since you already know my intention in my posting this, I hope that you trust me to have your and your loved one best interest in mind. Of course that goes without saying that I can only offer you my opinion, but I still hope some of you will find value in it. Well, without further ado I think the best way you can possibly help yourself and your loved one in such a difficult situation is... stop trying so hard to help them. 

Yes. I know it sounds a little unexpected, but there is still a good reason for my saying it. In fact, I am pretty sure I alluded to the same solution in my other video/post, but I still feel like there is a need to highlight it. So, I am basically saying that your best chance in achieving some peace of mind and seeing actual progress in your loved one is to emotionally disengage. 
Well, perhaps not fully, but still to a significant degree. I will explain... As I said in other videos, long term partners of Narcissist are likely to exhibit codependent tendencies, that is to say to have a deep sense of investment in the way your partner feels, acts and, basically, in the way they choose to live their life. 

Of course, I understand that it is difficult not to care about how they feel and therefore behave when you are living under the same roof and often share children together. Please be assured - that is fully appreciated by me. However, what I am trying to say is that the partners of Narcissist have sense of responsibility and, by extension, a sense of control over how Narcissist acts and sees the world. Of course, you can not feel responsible for something you can not control, and therefore if you do have a sense of responsibility and are looking for different ways to influence your partner further, than, certainly you do believe you can indeed control their moods and their actions. Furthermore, this assumptions of yours is not entirely without ground. The Narcissist themselves probably worked quite diligently at instilling this idea in your mind. It is typical of abusers to claim that their victims "made them" do a certain thing or react a certain way. Even more bizarre is that they are probably not consciously lying that is to say they truly do believe and experience events in a way that makes them think it is YOUR actions that produce certain moods and behaviors in them and they themselves do not have control over how they feel at that moment. What to make of it then? 

The key here is the very nature of the disorder is inability to produce and regulate stable perception of self and therefore consistent value of self-worth, one's place in the world and the relationship to the world. 
This is precisely what drives the Narcissist crazy - the maddening inability to pull off something that everyone else on the planet takes per granted: basic feeling of security and stable feelings, and knowledge about themselves and the broader world.

So where then does your overwhelming desire to "help out" comes in? By your very kindhearted insistence on taking care of your loved one feelings and deficiencies you are not only highlight and reinforce the fact that they must depend on you for such functions, you are also perpetuating their own lack of such competence. You see how that is important, right? So it is one-two punch here - you are at once displaying your distrust in Narcissist ability to handle their own issues which probably leads to fits of rage since they resent that very dependency the most, but then you also insist on handling their issues for them so than they do not have any motive to change int he first place. 

Think about it: if you give a baby a thing they were trying to reach for every time that happens, how is the baby to learn how to do that for themselves? Or if you insist on carrying a small child around just so they do not have to run and fall, then it is not exactly a service to them  - and neither to yourself - is it? Of course, that is a rather exaggerated example, but there are distinct similarities. Now, believe me, I fully realize that you feel like you are acting out of love and concern (and sometimes your need for self-preservation), though if you are really honest, perhaps you would admit that there is some fear, mistrust and as a result desire for greater control in the mix. What I am trying to say is the only hope for a person as a Narcissist to ever learn how to handle themselves better is if the people around them will remove the "safety net" of artificially propping them out from outside, while ideally also displaying very trusting, loving (from afar), and supportive attitude towards their struggle. Just like you would with a baby that is trying to learn how to walk.

Do not imagine that your ever-forgiving or even submissive attitude will somehow resolve the Narcissist problem.  It may bring about much needed truce, but the emotional slew of their deeply held self-hate and mistrust is sure to erupt sooner or later.

You are neither responsible for nor equipped to handle this situation - I really urge you to try and feel that through. All the love and support in the world can not cure a person who doesn't trust their SELF, does not accept their SELF, runs away from their SELF. It is, indeed, between them and their inner SELF. What you can do is provide a safe and non-judgmental background for their inner "battle" to play out until they finally notice they have beating up on their own deepest sense of what is real and what is true. Also you can model for them a better way to relate to your true SELF and therefore practice your own self-acceptance and love. 

Just like children learn about life through watching what their parents do and how they feel much more than by listening to their "lectures", the Narcissist - being not much more themselves than a lost, stunted child, will only have a chance by watching people around them treating themselves better. Think about it: by insisting that your own peace of mind and happiness depends on how the Narcissist feels and behaves, you are reinforcing the same pattern you are desperately trying to avoid - clearly by meeting their needs through your feeding them with your attention and concern, they will have neither an intensive nor a clear blueprint for change. Many of them grew up in dysfunctional households where both partners were locked in that proverbial dance, and believed that they must depend on each other's emotional "moves" in order to be happy. 

I encourage you to try a different approach. Instead of focusing on your partner's apparent shortcomings, try and nurture your own strength and power to a point that you are no longer interested in feeding that same-old dynamic. There will come a point when you see yourself AND your partner through the new set of eyes, and who knows, that might just be enough of a push for them to try something new as well. So here we have our singular set of paradoxes: you can help someone by withdrawing your usual "help" and then you can help yourself by trusting them enough to be their own rescuer and their own hero.  Which, sure enough, was what they wanted to be all along... 

In many ways Narcissism, as well as codependency is no more than a set of agreements that allows one to believe they do not have the power to  achieve what they want and so they concluded they require someone else in order to fulfill their needs. In fact - as we saw just now - the opposite is true:each of us have what we need to be a perfectly secure and happy human being, and once there, we are so much better equipped to be a real partner to some one else. Of course, it is not that easy to apply this rule to our everyday relationship, and if it was, the whole world would be different then. However, one can try and try we must, especially when turning away from this truth has landed us in places where seemingly no one would want to be stuck in for too long. 
I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this. Not many people would like to face up and see that solution lies within them - it seems easier and more comfortable to see what is not right with our counter party. However, the clue lies within us, and once we come to truly appreciate it - there is no turning back. A new, brighter world awaits and even the past trouble seem like a good thing once you know where they have been really leading. Well, my most sincere wish for you is that you reach that place. For my part, I will wish you well and trust that you have what it takes to get there. If you wish, check the corresponding video description on my channel (below) and see the song the lyrics of which I would like to share with you guys to help you think it through and forgive me this naive gesture if you are not into that style of music. I truly thank and love you guys! All the best to you!

Dealing with calculating, manipulative Narcissist.

As promised, this post is also on the subject of manipulative, calculating Narcissist.

This time we will discuss the ways to counteract their choices, and a few ways to try and minimize the damage and possibility of future attempts to manipulate you. 

Fair warning: many of you may find this tactics a little less than scrupulous and I will be first to admit that in the ideal world none of us should ever stoop down to behaving that way. However, as in my video about leaving a Narcissistic partner, I do want to remind you that you are dealing with extremely self-centered, unfeeling human being who can and will make you feel very sorry indeed if you fail to appreciate who you are dealing with, equip yourself with knowledge and behave accordingly. 

Make no mistake - manipulative and calculating Narcissist will not think twice about ruining your reputation, breaking ties with your family members or friends or grinding your self respect and even your very soul to pieces, if that suits their purpose. Such a situation is hardly a time to be overly magnanimous. Anyway, with this preamble taken care of, let us go to the core of the issue. 

The situation as follows: you have found out that you are being "played", manipulated or otherwise controlled based on your trust and emotions you have invested in a certain person. As it usually the case, the realization came too late, and you find yourself quite involved in their "plot". What now? 

Well first let me back up for a second and discuss the meaning of "manipulation" as I use it here. In my view, manipulation is an elaborate and quite deliberately chosen or constructed plan of action for the purpose of getting a certain objective, goal or needs met. That means that a person would have to do quite a bit of analysis and planning in advance, and then do some adjusting when their scheme is set in motion. In other words, throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old when their needs have not been met or when they fear being abandoned does not constitute real manipulation - it is merely a knee-jerk reaction of the magnitude the "offending party" can not even control, let alone plan - and therefore they also can not control the way it would affect your relationship long term and are probably feeling at your mercy at that emotional moment, and justifiably so. 

That is quite the opposite of manipulation, in my book, since a truly skilled manipulator would never let the person they have been manipulating realize what have been going on up until the point they have attained the goal and the concealment of their real objective or persona is no longer needed. They would have to plan such a scheme well in advance, and at no point would they have elected to be out of control. Such person's behavior usually is very matter of fact and business-like and emotional outbursts generally do not figure into their schemes, unless our particular manipulative Narcissist has a flair for drama (as in all things theatrical ) and is not afraid to pull a public performance. 

Even conceding that they chose to go the "emotional" route, they would still fake it just to the point of attaining a particular goal and not a second further. Consider the following scenario: your partner realizes that their antics have all but destroyed the bond between you and you are getting ready to call it quits. Here is what I would not consider being manipulative behavior, although I know many others would choose to see it as such: your partner makes a huge emotional scene, try to convince you they can not possibly live without you and that if you do leave they may have no other choice but to hurt themselves in order to terminate their misery. Now, they may be exhibiting traits of BPD and may genuinely believe they can not survive without you. In my book, that does not constitute manipulative behavior, even if most level headed adults would be tempted to view it as such. Truly manipulative person would never allow themselves to disintegrate in the pool of tears and beg at your feet not to leave them as some poor lost little child would. The person we are discussing in this first instance is in genuine pain at the moment, and though they might tax your own energy and freedom at their limit, that feeling of burden is not by itself a proof of being manipulated. 

Consider another scenario that may look similar to an unsuspected spectator, but which, contrary to the first example, bear all the signs of manipulation. The premise is the same: your spouse or partner realize that you are about to leave them, yet they are depended on you financially or otherwise, and they do not wish to relinquish their cozy situation without a fight. They may try and make their case with you, plainly stating that they do not intend to let you get off easily. Note, unlike in the first example, the partner is in total control of themselves, and, indeed, very likely in control of the whole situation. Suppose you counter that you are set on leaving this time. They act cold and composed while you are saying this, yet dissolve in the state of uncontrollable grief/panic or feigned remorse once your family, pastor or any other influential person in the community or in your life enters the picture. This is a clear case of manipulation and deceit. 

Despite of the optics of the situation being very similar - we have seemingly uncontrollably grieving person begging their partner not to leave them - in this second example we have all the signs of real manipulation - the conduct is clearly premeditated, the person has not acted impulsively and is in total control of their own emotional state, behavior and the situation at large - though you may end up looking like an ass for trying to leave such a dedicated, loving spouse at their most vulnerable moment, you know for a fact that you have been played and there is not a drop of truth in what they are trying to "sell" others in order to advance their own goals. That would constitute a clear case of manipulation. 

Though, as I said, In my experience most skilled manipulators tend to stay away of emotional displays altogether, and deal instead in cold hard facts and logic. Anyway, thank you for enduring, such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it does help understand what I am about to try and parse for the remainder of the post. As we said, when dealing with skilled manipulator, the first hurdle is that you generally learn about their true intentions and objectives much too late. 

Even so, once you are aware of them your only chance of making it out with least damage possible, in my opinion, is to play your cards very close to your chest. At no point you are to confront such a person and demand an honest explanation - you would only be exposing yourself and inviting more deceit and manipulation or even outright intimidation and other unpleasant stuff to follow. Instead, you are advised to play dumb and play along. 

Let me explain:

First, you need to privately do the same thing the Narcissist does: you are to assess the situation coldly, with analytical state of mind,  and try to figure out the best you can their true ultimate objective and what is it that they are trying to get out of you in the process. Your "contribution" is not always the end result, and so you need to understand both very well. Once you are clear on what is it that the Narcissist wants to get out of you, your job is to convince them that you are incapable of providing it to them to a degree they have hoped, despite your undying loyalty and foremost admiration for them (sarc.)

You see, we are truly doing what Narcissist do when they set out to exploit other people's weaknesses: we are going to exploit their own. By the very nature of their disorder, the Narcissist are prone to believing that they are by far the smartest and shrewdest person around, as well as the one deserving of unlimited praise and loyalty. So if we are to play along by pretending not to be smart enough to serve their purpose, while simultaneously feeding their ego, they will probably conclude they have made a mistake in choosing you to do their bidding and soon move on in search of the better candidate. 

Say your boss likes to use your work and present it as his own. Contact a manager to whom your boss reports and politely ask them advice on including particular data your report and which data in their opinion would be most accurate etc. or whatever else would fit your situation, making the it as specific and memorable as possible. The point is to make them aware that you are the one responsible for the report. If well received, send a copy of the report with relevant areas highlighted prior to "official" presentation for their approval. Should your boss try and present your report as his own work later on, he will end up with an egg on his face, and you will always have the cover of simply being overly eager to do a great job. Possibilities are endless, the key rule is to engage the Narcissist on his own terms since being upfront only gives him more opportunities to mess you up. 

In the example of manipulative spouse the approach would be to concede their right to forever control you and your marriage as convincingly as you can and therefore pacify them before they really start fighting. While they are resting on their laurels, you would be wise to consult a lawyer, community leader, police officer and whoever else you find applicable in the effort to precede them and therefore take away their chance to "set up" the stage the way they want. Provided, the situation involving spouses and family are among the most difficult and I did not set out to discuss it in this video, I still want to try and illustrate the same approach even in the most puzzling circumstances. 

Generally, the idea is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, try and operate from the most impartial, unemotional perspective you can manage, and then be brave, keep your end objective in mind and believe that your own determination and courage will see you through!

Calculating, manipulative Narcissist

Today's topic is important, because it points to the very core of the issue most people find offensive when dealing with the Narcissist - their calculating, manipulative ways often make their close friends and family members feel used as if they were some disposable mechanical objects, not living human beings with their own feelings, goals and loyalties.

 Let me share with you what I know about calculating, manipulative tendencies of the Narcissist first hand- from my own experience. 

I now clearly realize that I engage in constant calculation and "profit and loss" kind of analysis virtually every time I am thinking about any relationship. Because I never experienced any other way of relating to people, this realization was not that easy - it simply has never occurred to me that other people could have a different way of perceiving matters. 

I tried to understand where this pattern of thinking could have originated, and concluded that it was "instilled" in me very early own, long before I could access it righteousness or even usefulness in my life. Let me explain. My mother, being a Narcissist herself, has trained both me and my brother to literally anticipate her every whim and every move. If we did what was "right"in her book, we were rewarded with praise and, however shallow and fleeting, approval from her. But if we got it wrong we were in REAL trouble - she would punish us with seemingly endless rage-filled fits, complete with shaming, threats and insults that were totally disproportionate to the supposed offense. I know to many of you this behavior sounds familiar, and you, no doubt, can appreciate what it does to even a grown person, let alone really young kids. So then you realize the incentives were pretty strong to get it right. 

To help us "learn" what we were supposed to do, we were continuously subjected to lengthy explanations about how a certain behavior, or a feeling we displayed affected our mother and how we should behave instead, in order to make her feel better. And that type of "training" did not stop with just herself either - she also coached us on how to behave around other people on order to get the best outcome (mainly for herself, of course) and she often gave us a very detailed account of how a certain person thinks and behaves, and what personal traits do they have that can be leveraged in order to achieve a certain result.

This is where an important point, in regards to today's discussion, really lies. I have no doubt that many Narcissist learned very early on (probably well before this type of knowledge should be naturally acquired) how their behavior affects and determines actions of other people, while simultaneously being discouraged from producing authentic actions based on their real state of mind. Such excessive "molding" of their mind, while traumatizing them, also taught them a valuable lesson - one can always get their objectives met if he or she knows just what buttons to push when a certain person, group of people or a situation is concerned. In our household, your ability, your intellect and indeed even your value was mainly judged on how well you understood that point and how well you could "work it" in real life. Provided, we were very poor and disadvantaged in many ways, I can see how this type of thinking in could have aroused from necessity, but I also can't help but remember my mother was quite pleased and proud of the fact she had such skill of dealing with people and thought herself much more intelligent than those who could not "get" it.

I am only recounting the story to help you get a glimpse at least at one instance of a person who by many accounts is extremely calculating (of no longer manipulative) and can give you a sense of where this pervasive patter of thinking could have started.
 With years and years of conditioning by living side by side with her and having her as a sole adult we could depend on has done its job. Both me and my brother know much better than many other people how someone mind's works and what kind of personality should we "morph" into in order to achieve our goals the quickest and most efficient way. I say that I am no longer manipulator, because unlike my mother and my brother I derive no pleasure or sense of pride from being able to "fool" other people. On the contrary, that makes me feel rather "turned off". 

The whole situation had only come to light for me when I realize that under no circumstances can I relax and simply trust a person who is next to me - I am always "running" every even remotely plausible scenario of things going wrong and make my own "contingency plans" for each one, as if I was running an endless war exercise or chess match in my head. It is exhausting, and, as you can guess, it is ultimately counterproductive to fostering any close relationship. However, I am compelled to concede - I can not really stop it. Although I can, and I consciously have stopped myself from acting on such knowledge, unless it is really necessarily as a form of defense, I can not really stop perceiving people I meet and situations I get in that way. 

Until recently, I thought that everybody had ability to "calculate" future outcomes of situations based on the facts they see, and I sometimes thought people unnaturally stupid (pardon, please) or even presumptuous for thinking that things work out in different way just for them, despite the pretty obvious facts and past instances where they clearly haven't.
I think every one of us hear of a despicably arrogant and self-centered "white collar criminal" or con artist that after tricking people out of their hard earned money and burning their best feelings of trust and high regard with the realization they have been "played" has the audacity to state that if his victims were stupid enough to believe in what he was laying before them, they were "asking for it". this is an extreme example, but it is a good example of the type of thinking many manipulative Narcissist employ.

Because of their earlier trauma, mentally they are forever "on alert", on the lookout for the next instance when someone tries to trick them or for the next kick in the teeth. So many of them genuinely can not understand how somebody else can be that blind or naive as to not see the obvious, and let them "work it" though they had all the means of seeing the situation clearly. See, in the Narcissist world trust no longer exist. Every man is out for themselves, in you are not strong enough, mentally or otherwise - it is your loss. That is their Modus Operandi and their justification. 

If they choose to engage with you at all, it is always for a reason. Make know mistake every "debit" and "credit" of your interaction (emotional or otherwise) will be carefully recorded and stored until it is time to "settle the bill" - which is forever looming on the horizon, no matter for how long you know the person and how well you think you can trust them. Because were are talking about a Narcissist, not a full-blown Psychopath, emotional, or, should I say, psychological debits and credits get recorded too. This math, however, is likely skewed in one direction: if you praise and generally treat the Narcissist as an outstanding, very special, extraordinarily talented person - you are merely "staying afloat" - that is too say not loosing, but not really gaining points either. however, should you insult the Narcissist - and of course, you know by now that imaginary or unintended insults are just as real in his book then you might just loose all of your previous "savings" and indeed get yourself indebted.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that the Narcissist by no means feel obliged to inform you about their "rules' of what constitutes an offense and how much would it mean to them in terms of the future of your alliance. They will simply put a little "check" in their mind and then make you pay for it, though you may have not the slightest idea what was the real reason behind their sudden assault. 
That will be especially true if they still need you to furnish other, more tangible rewards that were the reason for starting your relationship in the first place. Say, they still need you to supply certain information from their business competitor, or they need you to serve as a convenient "cover" and add prestige as a "stellar" spouse or a partner while they are trying to charm the public. They may be insulted by a certain gesture or off-hand remark of yours, but they will bide their time until you have served your other, utilitarian purpose - THEN they will discard you all the more ruthlessly since you dared to question their supposed grandeur. 

In conclusion, here is the analysis of two correlated currents that keep your involvement with a calculating, manipulative Narcissist alive: it is the purpose you can serve to further his goal- this is initial, and main reason for that type of Narcissist to engage with you in the first place. Then there is also the need to maintain their "uncommon" view on themselves through your admiring eyes - although this requirement is secondary, that can still wound your relationship with the Narcissist to the point of him turning vindictive. If you "wounded" his pseudo ego enough, he may opt to end the relationship right then and there, and continue searching for another, more appreciative companion. If though, the benefit you are providing in more practical sense is important enough, they may choose to still keep dealing with you, but I promise you - they will never forgive you the real or supposed insult you were unfortunate enough to be linked with.


Of course, there is another scenario where you have seized to be of use, but still provide a pleasant background with your favorable view on the Narcissist. In this case you are likely to be disposed of all the same, even though you yourself haven't done anything wrong. You see, this type of a Narcissist is truly like a calculating machine, that does not want to be stopped and bothered with any "expenditures" that will not further his goal.

There is only one exception to this rule that I am aware of: there could come a moment in the Narcissist's life where everyone inn his immediate circle has caught up to his tricks (that is not difficult to do, for once you are used you are abruptly discarded, treated in dramatically different way, and contacted only when needed again) - and so the Narcissist has exhausted the sources for his supply and will "settle" for any, even imperfect one. If, despite being used and treated badly, you are still insistent on wanting to help, change, be there for the Narcissist, and does not have more appealing options at the moment, he will then, of somewhat reluctantly, "settle" for you. For the time being, of course. 

Because the 

moment the more suitable choice arrives he will sprint in the exhilaration of the fresh chase, living you in the dust, often only to return when the new "shining star" refuses to accept the foul treatment and otherwise questionable "rewards" fo the relationship you were willing to accept. And there, perhaps, lies the secret of the serial cheaters and their long-suffering spouses, who are willing to accept the "wandering husband" back in their arms time and again, possibly viewing themselves as extra understanding and forgiving, while their spouse is likely to just see them as "not their first choice", something less than ideal, but nevertheless "OK" to fall back on, if no other more enticing choices are around.

I am well aware that might sound pretty rough, but I would much rather be open and honest in hopes of reaching the ones that are "ready" for the message, then simply feed more "fluff" to those decent and indeed long-suffering people who quite remarkably choose to stick to their Narcissist against all odds.

I will continue to explore the topic of manipulative, calculating and vindictive Narcissist in my next post, discussing few possible tactics of incurring the least possible damage while being entangled in their schemes, as well as limiting the probability of their future attempts to manipulate you.

Here is the corresponding videos for this post:

Part 1

...and Part 2

...heal thyself

So, I decided to take my own advice from the previous post, and try and renegotiated the terms on which I relate to myself, or, rather the terms on which my Superego relates to little ole me. I thought about it for a moment: what have I been doing up until now? I have been fighting that punishing, scolding inner voice the best I could, wasting most of my energy on this, ultimately, futile pursuit - trying to pretend or prove that I wasn't as bad as it was making me out to be, that I actually deserved acknowledgement and respect. Trying to hold all of that negative talk back and "hold the fort" up until the moment I suddenly couldn't anymore... Then I would give up, concede that I am indeed nothing but a sad, lost, no-good loser and therefore do not have the right to exist. 

Then, predictably, a period of withdrawal and kind of removed, disengaged attitude and depression would follow. So, that is what I have been doing up until now. If ignoring the punishing, berating voice won't do, and fighting it won't do either, than what is there left to do? Reason with it, perhaps? Well, in my experience it helps somewhat, but it does not take away the depth of the emotions its attacks produce anyway. So what then? Agree with it (Gasp!) on the merits (though, perhaps, tone down the degree a notch), but count its basic premise that being faulty automatically means not being worthy of acceptance and love out as untrue. 

It would go something like this:

Punishing voice within: You are a loser - what have you done with your life so far that is good?
I: I may be less accomplished than I could have been, but I still choose to love myself, since this basic love and acceptance is the only real way to be.

Any person who has loved, or even witnessed love in any of its forms - mother to child, lover to lover, owner to their pet will surely know one does not have to be perfect to be accepted and loved. Why, then, should you and I wait until we are flawless to feel good? We should not! Simple as that. Now, the other thing is to remember it and not slip into a familiar pattern of feeling assaulted and having to "prove" myself. There is no proof, and there is no need for the proof. I accept myself as I am and the world around me as it is - in all of its imperfection and beauty.

And I hope you know you are part of that wonderful world as well :)

This is the video I am referring to in this post:

Narcissist's "up and down" cycle and a proposed way to bring it in balance.

In this post I will try to allude to the reason for Narcissist's up and down cycles, as well as the solution to bringing peace to this seemingly hopeless inner dynamic.

To regular people Narcissist's sudden shift in interests and moods seems confusing, but, in my experience, there is an underlying logic behind this seemingly irrational behavior. Let's remind ourselves of a few important facts: the Narcissist's internal motivation varies a great deal from that of a regular person - they act, perform, indeed even exist in a constant pursuit of further proof of their own exceptional value as a person. Please note the word "exceptional". I will explain in a moment. 

Of course, this continuous desire for approval and upholding of the Narcissist's unrealistic view on what he is, or, in his more candid moment's, what he should be, but hopelessly is not is rendered hopelessly inadequate by his own uber vigilant, punishing and persecutory superego, which is only too quick to remind the Narcissist about all of the guilt and shortcomings that he will forever have to grapple with. Because this persecuting voice that was in all likelihood internalized from the overly critical or unfeeling parents, the Narcissist never, but never is able to experience lasting relief and self-acceptance. 

The fleeting moment of joy comes when a valued and respected opponent (because the Narcissist views every living being as a threat and opponent in some way) when that counter-party furnishes some praise or heartfelt positive feedback for the Narcissist. Then the Narcissist can let himself off-guard for a minute, enjoy his moment in the light and feel good. However, if the praise keep coming, constant and assuring as it should be in a normal, stable adult relationship, the Narcissist starts noticing that his inner deeply held view of himself and the feedback he receives from another person do not square. He can not just let himself off the hook and start believing what other people believe him to be - he feels that deep inside he is undeserving, unloved, deficient little fellow who could not even secure the love of his own parents. 

So what is the Narcissist to do in this situation? He has two choices: to stand up to his internalized punishing inner voices and at last assert himself as a valuable human being, who although not perfect, is still deserving of love and acceptance - OR keep clinging to his illusory grandiose view on himself designed to match the equally disproportional and downright fantastic requirements his inner parent imposes on him and then, by continuation, to discount the opinion of the person who likes him enough to keep coming around with the same positive attitude time and again. It is like the Narcissist is caught up in never ending cycle of first trying to prove that he is so special, so outstanding, so enormously gifted and he should be accepted even with all of the inner quits and shames that he keeps carrying from his childhood, and then letting that punishing, sadistic part of personality frustrate his best efforts at being accepted. 

The moment he feels he is on the pedestal, at last - the realization comes that deep inside he knows he does not deserve it. He must take himself down by sabotaging his efforts, devaluing and insulting the person who's opinion he valued so just yesterday.  You know this sharp and very accurate joke about Narcissist not being willing to join the club that would accept him - that is about the gist of it. After performing that familiar act of self-destruction the Narcissist can find himself sinking in the quiet state of disinterest and defeat, justifiably feeling hopeless in the situation he has no idea how to control.

The Narcissist can't win - the game is set up in a way as to forever lead him on the chase that can not end until one of the main premises of this game is destroyed, pulling down and destroying the other part with it. The trick is - there is only one correct sequence in that 1-2 step of destruction of this unfortunate "setting", and nearly everyone goes about it in the other way. 

Here is how it works: as we already established, the overblown false "ego" is constructed to withstand constant vicious attacks of sadistic, grotesquely overly demanding Super ego, that was internalized to funnel the guilt, shame and sense of inadequacy the Narcissist likely felt in his formative years. So, let us think about which of those two - the oversize ego, or the vicious voice within gets damaged by social disapproval or circumstances of reality that the Narcissist can not control. The answer invariably will be - the former. It is impossible to go through life without receiving blows to your ego, especially when your requirements in that respect are rather high.

 So what happens then when the false construct gets attacked? The Narcissist has an overwhelming sense of panic of being even more inadequate and even more undeserving than he initially felt. He fights for his false ego as if his life depends on it, and, in some respect, it really does. Now, what do we have in the end: more humiliation,  deeper sense of inadequacy and MORE reasons for the shaming, humiliating voice to get stronger, and, in turn, even more vivid and determined attempts to protect the false image, that is the only shield from an overwhelming sense of shame. The cycle continues, and stronger than before. 

But what if we chose to approach the problem from the different angle? What if we chose to "take out" the credibility of the vicious voice within first? Now, clearly, it is easier said than done, and in voicing this I am talking directly to the persons affected with NPD or Narcissistic traits, because their partners can not do this work for them, as much as they would like to - this section can be of benefit for them in terms of theory and information. 

So, let's continue our theoretical exercise: what if the credibility of the voice, and, indeed, even its right to exist was questioned? If there were no need for living up to impossibly high expectations, perhaps it would result in greater sense of acceptance and compassion towards oneself. Indeed, these are the antidotes to feeling the usual suspects in Narcissist's misery: shame and guilt. Also, that would probably lead to better understanding of one's shared basic humanity, and that would give way to feeling of greater sense of belonging, community and being part of the greater social network - and there goes our last misery-producing tool - sense of inadequacy. I, therefore, would argue that any hope we have as Narcissist as to try our best to question the validity of the "basic" equation we thought we had figured out long ago: my parent's did not love and accept me,  my presence did not make them happy, or even made them decidedly unhappy - therefore I must be bad, deficient, inadequate and wrong. 

Approaching the issue from purely logical standpoint, it is fairly easy to see that our parent's could be unhappy, cold, removed or  overly anxious for any number of reasons and that their own mental and emotional state is not by any means a reflection on our worth as their children, or now as adults. Though it is quite easy to understand it intellectually, we also must drive the same conclusion to our much deeper, emotional levels, putting out the fire of negative perceptions and feelings about ourselves that has been raging unchecked for too long, consuming our selves, our humanity and indeed our very live for too long. 

The horrific cycle we have been caught in relies on the two polarities - trying to run away from self-hate by pretending we are better than it is humanly possible to be, then frustrating that construct and conceding our own helplessness. 

Take out the need to be "much better than", the need to be perfect and accept the imperfect, yet magnificent experience of living life as a human being. The doors are now open - leave your monsters behind, they will starve and dissolve once there is nothing to feed on. You have a chance to live your life the way you always wanted, and who knows, may that is what the perfect life truly means.

Narcissists "hurt" by not hurting enough.

One viewer of my vlog-  NPDrecovery on youtube-  has recently asked these questions:

"... Why is a person with NPD so easily hurt, yet can not comprehend how their own words and actions hurt others? And if they become self-aware of this (temporarily), what happens? Thank you again, you are very brave and have provided invaluable insight."

Here is my attempt to answer: 

From my experience, what basically happens is the Narcissist reacts more to YOUR raw emotions when she or he are getting "hurt"(perhaps the absence of their own emotional phone is to blame for this extra sensitivity, sometimes also combined with being hyper-alert after having to rely on that trait to survive abusive childhood)- so they just "catch" what you feel and start feeling it and then experience this violent reaction of having to "push" it out and resist feeling unwanted emotions that they perceive as a weakness, and then also the emotions that come as a reaction to those,  like shame, guilt and so that manifests outwardly as rage at you for "making" them experience those emotions.

Suppose you came to them wanting more intimacy, some empathy or when you were saddened or upset by something. Internally, they view vulnerability and emotional openness as a weakness and then also a threat. Often having survived abuse in their childhood they mistakenly attribute the predicament to themselves being too "trusting", vulnerable  open and so on and so they fear and so try to avoid experiencing those emotions to avoid re-experiencing the trauma (which they often consciously "forgot") or even having to witness and therefore being reminded of those emotions and therefore of that perceived weakness.*  It seems they can not react in a healthy way to your hurt or reaching out for empathy - to them it is just an attempt to shame them, to show them how they are to at fault. Once they catch those emotions and perceived implications of those, they will, of course, will try and avoid feeling the pain by turning around and "defending" against you, blaming you and making it all about themselves.

(I can only imagine how puzzling and discouraging it is to be treated like this when you came to a person for empathy or understanding... :/ )

Now, In case when the Narcissist is the one who is hurting someone, they do not really feel anything inside (I know, kind of a horrible thing to say - but do see my point, it is not quite the "usual" implication) - in a sense that they do not really "set out" to hurt you the way they inevitably think you are doing when they are getting "hurt". They do it by NOT caring, by NOT showing emotions, by making sure you are not able to experience them in that way. In their mind they are almost giving you a favor by being so "shut down" and removed, because to them if they do not "bring" their emotions to the table then you can not be affected, since their only mechanism of experiencing discomfort is by "catching" your emotions. In a way it's like they are lacking initiative in the most basic way - they write themselves off as a person who can experience true emotions and therefore also as a person who can AFFECT  other's true emotions. You see what I mean?   (I don't blame you if you don't at first, I bet it is a puzzle for any regular person to think that way) They have not been really 'hear" or "seen" as an actual person when they were forming as persons, so they got used to the idea that their actions and feelings DO NOT truly matter. And in the rare event that they become for a second aware of those buried (and by now totally destructive  feelings, they think the dutiful thing      to do is to "shove it down" as deep as possible and pretend they do not exist.  So if they do not "impose" their feelings on you which, they figure, should make you happy and they are genuinely puzzled when you feel dissatisfied with that.

Narcissism is like a delicate dance of constantly having to re-balance internally, and get the best hold you can of all those explosive feelings and blaming, harsh, criticizing voices in you, while out worldly trying to present a composed, impenetrable  nearly perfect "front". It is exhausting, thoroughly dissatisfying and incredibly persistent - one can not simply stop and catch themselves for any length of time - once they are aware their frightened tiny inner being pushes them back into the "game' since there is not enough psychic energy to confront whatever the person fears feeling through.

As for being temporary aware, I can only speak from my experience and that "realization" always catches me speechless, and I become quiet and kind of (very mutely  sad, because I honestly have not an earthly clue how to stop behaving that way towards the very same people who care about me most. Just a rational realization in my mind, while better than nothing, does not amount to much - to re-condition one's behavior, or in this case,  their whole personality - their entire perception of the world and of themselves - that takes much more than a moment of intellectual awareness.

I attribute the limited progress that I made to the dogged determination to "dig deep"and figure out what had happened to me as a child and why am I experiencing this combined with the willingness to get through as much emotional pain as needed in order to see the truth, the reality of what IS my familiar situation and my make-up as a human being. It is the almost scientific curiosity coupled with the love of discovering the true "motive" behind things that lead me there initially, not necessarily the effect I was having on other people (pardon), though it did play a role later if only by intellectually realizing my responsibility towards others, without the "stick" of corresponding emotions to really make it, well, felt...

Please don't forget that all people are different, and Narcissism IS, after all, a spectrum disorder (even if this was said so many times it lost its original meaning lol)) I hope this helps to a degree, though I feel a little bad that I did not have more encouraging view. Thank you again for your initial question and please do feel free to ask again, comment and share what you think. 

Best wishes to you!

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers: my best wish for you is to find your own light

As daughters of Narcissistic mothers, we have been challenged to a fit that seems to be very hard to pull off: we must find the way to nurture ourselves, instead of looking for our mothers to assist us our growing, learning and gaining confidence. Whereas other babies and then kids have the luxury of their loving and caring parents "holding them up" to grow and develop to their best, we must do the difficult work of "growing up" internally, on our own.

As distressing and unfair as it seems - this is the hand that life has dealt us, and it is up to us to rise up to the challenge, or live our entire lives in state of victimhood and regret.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "second-hand" Narcissism (or, on the other hand, a tendency to overly please and submit to others, neglecting our own needs) - is a reaction that the victim develops in order to cope with the abuser and constantly stressful environment - that type of learned Narcissism steams from the lack of trust and true connections to ourselves and others and therefore, a heightened need to "manage" and control our environment, including other people and their reactions to us.  And no wonder - how can anyone trust and connect well with others when their own mother has made them feel like a constant inanimate "source" of supply and an object to be utilized and abused, instead of a capable, valuable and cherished human being  - the normal perception between mothers and children. OF course you are going to be scarred, bitter, and unwilling or unable to connect in a healthy way. The antidote to this unfortunate predicament, then, would be to nurture your own soul and your own self to its healthy state in which it naturally trusts and connects out of abundance of love (not need for approval or love) and thus can never truly lose out and get hurt quite as bad than when you are hoping for care and approval you did not get as a child, ending up even more hurt once and again...

The next question, of course is - how do I do it? How do I find and nurture my true self? And then, disappointing as it is (only at first) there is no straight answer... Everyone is truly unique and in that is the beauty of life - I'll bet that what you need to do to fully express your true nature and needs and the way to meet those needs is a very different experience from what I myself would like, and so you alone hold the key to that mysterious place of your own "inner knowing" and "true happiness" A baby and her mom were meant by nature to have a very intimate intuitive connection that would help nurture the baby's first steps and feeling and accepting herself, however, unfortunately, in our case something went terribly wrong - our mothers were seemingly bent to destroying our sense of self-worth and "beating us down" with the force of their own "false" ego, not "prodding" us gently up, as a healthy, caring mother would have done. Moreover, because you were robbed of the experience of having your basic emotional needs met and your self and worth be gently affirmed, you may still unconsciously seek that experience from others years later. Except for our parents (and even than just to a certain extend), though, we can not really hope anyone to know our needs so intimately as to meet them without words or explaining what we really need (and often times even we ourselves do not really know what we truly need). SO it is up to us to discover it.

Oh, I remember myself having SO much resistance to that particular point! I thought really cheated, like it was so unfair, wrong, even unnatural to have to do this for myself (and it probably is on certain level). But now, having gone through all that  - lots of struggle, lots of "pushing through" and self-discovery and setbacks and confusion and darkness and hurt - I am still glad because I realize that life was hiding the sweetest "gift" in the disguise - the gift of self-knowledge and acceptance and even deeper understanding of human nature and our "inner world" and - most definite lesson of this particular challenge - unwavering determination to STAND BY MY TRUE CHARACTER and to not let ANYONE, even my own mother, mow over it - no matter how persuasive the reasoning and how "righteous" the demeanor. NO ONE is allowed to alter my true identity or try and convince me of its "lower" worth - the DIVINE POWER (I call it  - feel free to use GOD or whatever suits you)  has made me this way and therefore this was right and just, no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does.

And so I urge you to start on your own self-discovery, acceptance and self-affirmation path: it will be immensely positive for you and every one in this world who believes in power of love, light and truth over the lowly games that seek to feed on your life force. Ones you identify with the powerful core center withing you it will be much easier to see right through characters and situations that used to puzzle you to the point of total confusion. Now you will see everything clear and you will be happy you had the courage to start and stay upon this road until it took you where you were truly meant to be.

Start small: when confronted, remind yourself: I am worthy, I have power and truth inside of me, the divine force that has created me meant for me to be strong, beautiful and true to myself. I can go through everything and still stay powerful and strong, willing to learn and grow, accept, love and take good care of my self: my feelings, my ideas, my insights, the truth I know and the path I want to follow and the actions I really want to take. Stay strong and let yourself bloom in a beautiful being whose potential you always held within you. Many blessings and best of wishes to you!